I watched this movie in crying state. After watching it, I was alone in crying for a long time. It evoked my emotional resonance immensely. And it's the deep part inside. I seemed to mourn for the past self.
The film attribute of "Autistic Journey" is inspirational. Tempe Granding is the protagonist of the movie. She is a child from the stars. Her growth process is very inspirational. In her growth path, there are mothers, aunts, and Dr. Carroll who are also teachers and friends. At every important growth turning point, someone is willing to accompany her growth. Undoubtedly, her life is surrounded by love.
However, I would like to talk more about the perspective I felt when I watched the movie, or some of my own experiences that I thought of when looking at her.
This line of the movie is very famous:
Different, not inferior to others
Tempe Granding was very lucky. Her mother took her to try boarding school and met a major turning point in her life. For her, she met Dr. Carroll, who reopened her perspective of self-knowledge.
You are special, you have autism, it does not mean that you are a little bit less than anyone else, you have a different perspective on the world.
When I saw Temple in the movie, my eyes widened, like hyperthyroidism, the blood vessels in my throat were hanging up, hoarsely fighting for myself, I am autistic, and I can see what other people can't see. I was a little envious.
Temple has her independent world, and this world makes her need to bear a lot of pressure and pain, but she is so brave and so open, when others do not understand what she is doing, she can use her own uncomfortable state, But speak for yourself.
I am autistic, and I can see things that other people can't.
She spoke so bravely and firmly again and again.
If I have the opportunity to travel to my childhood, I also want to tell me when I was a kid, you are not very strange, you are just a little special, you will handle it. I think that when I grew up to this day, there must have been a message to the little girl in the parallel space.
I would ridicule my inner experience of suspicious autism and depression for more than ten years. I myself know that I am suffering from internal pain. I seem to have closed my mind to the understanding of emotions since I was very young, but I can feel the emotions around me very casually. This feeling is like Temple's visual thinking. For me, it is my unique way of seeing the world.
I can easily feel the emotions and thinking of others. But before me, I didn't even know that I was perceiving my surroundings in this way. I don't know the inferiority complex that my words and deeds convey, and I don't even know why I became like this.
When I saw my aunt at Temple Farm teaching her what emotions are, I felt sorrow and envy.
What is laughing, what is crying, why do people suddenly become angry for a while, why do they cry suddenly, why they quarrel, why they slap, why they yell, what are depressed emotions, what are irritable emotions, and what is Sad emotions, what are the emotions of liking, why people are happy, sad, why do they like you for a while, why do they not like you for a while, why can one person like many people at the same time, and why beating is a curse Love, it would be great if someone could call me. But when I thought about this, I believed that I traveled through time and space, and finally saw the helpless and restless little girl in my heart.
Growing up to this day, I will still feel guilty because the other person is in the mood and want to please. I will feel my body’s stomach and heart tighten. When guilt strikes, I will feel the emotions in the other person’s language and expressions. They will be affected by my body in a state of energy. Perceiving it, I will unconsciously want to take it. This is my fault, I upset you. When I see the other person's mood improves, I will finally relax. In the middle process, I have to deal with my inner emotional energy group. I want to tell myself that one part is the energy group of the other person I feel, and it has nothing to do with me. I have to make room and trust the other person. He also has the subject of his own growth; the other part I want to see is my guilt , I think that I am too high and too low, I feel that I hurt others, and that I did not better deal with it in the realm of Yuantong in the process. I can do better. I want to allow my own existence, the existence of others, and the existence of all kinds of emotions.
To be honest, this growth of internal digestion and processing is not so pleasant. Especially I know that my perspective on the world is different from theirs. I want to tame the anger and grievance of my ego. I know that my emotions have a great influence. I want to get along with it and let it go. The state of adduction. The energy is calm and introverted, and when needed, it can be mobilized downstream. This is the state I want to keep practicing. I am very grateful for the company of my family and friends, and I want to practice my patience and compassion at all times.
I would tease that I am a dead house. In addition, now that I can buy a dish and can deliver it to my door, I can stay at home without going out. On the one hand, I am quite used to enjoying this kind of living at home. To be honest, socializing that may be enjoyable or easy for others is not so easy.
Although to a certain extent, I can also perform socially well. Just like Temple is writing a paper in the cattle farm, and the guard does not let her in, she starts to observe the imitation and let herself go in. I will also mobilize myself to social mode through observation and experimentation.
Sometimes necessary social interaction is needed, and it is easier for me to feel some of the emotional energy of my mind. I want to practice, practice transparency, practice emptiness, practice my own dullness, focus my attention on myself, and feel the other person’s discomfort, and practice the state of presence and not be led away by guilt. Seeing, acknowledging, and allowing my own social attributes to be different, and taking advantage of what others think is my real comfort zone, such as staying at home to write, read, and think deeply, it also took me a long time.
When I arrived in junior high school, I found that I didn't dare to look at others. I deliberately practiced, letting myself look at other people, looking straight into their eyes. My classmates ask me to go out to play, and I will feel uncomfortable. When I arrived in high school, I dared to tell my close classmates that I didn't like crowded occasions very much. But at that time, I couldn't help it at all. I truly accepted from my heart that I couldn't actively participate in social interactions like other classmates, and I could play well in crowded situations. I will envy, I will feel inferior, I will feel abnormal. I pretended to comfort myself again, I was different from them. But there is no way to really accept and allow yourself to be different.
When I was studying, I would be very scared to be praised suddenly by the teacher. I did an assignment casually, how come I was praised. Being praised makes me scared. On the arrogant side, I feel that I don't have to do anything, just do it casually. I have never had a chance to really see how I am thinking. Although I am studying, I really don’t know why I want to study in my heart. Okay, my parents say that reading is useful, so read it. If they can apply for a tutor for me, okay, for the money they paid and for the tutor. For their efforts, then I will learn for them. I didn’t know until I had the opportunity to see the learning style of Xueshen when I was in graduate school, and others would review it in the library overnight before the exam, they would concentrate on sprinting, and they would write their usual homework seriously. I didn’t know. , It turns out that this is called learning for yourself-self-driven. At this point, I really want to thank that time-space classmate who contacted me to study in the library.
Probably it is my inner twisting syndrome, which has been depressed for too long. Seeing Temple immersed in her own world, weird and firm, insisting again and again for what she wants to do, and carrying her inner turbulent sensitive emotions time and time again, to communicate and fight for. I was hit.
Being treated differently by men on the farm, she disregarded their vision and ridicule; when the humanized slaughter system she designed was not understood, she could so firmly demonstrate her self-confidence and persuade the people on the spot from the perspective of economic benefits.
It looks very inspirational, but the pain and fear she carries, her struggle with the personal inner world, there is no gunpowder, but it is also extremely fierce. So I thought, this is why it poke me and make me cry cry. Sometimes, some feel the inner journey of emotions, there is really no way to speak, only to mourn. I want to grow up. Growing pain is delightful.
Some bystanders will tell me that I am too sensible. When I first heard it, I was puzzled, but my body felt very honest, with a sad energy group. I remember that my tears came down after brushing the ground. By the way, I didn't allow myself to cry before. As long as I felt like I wanted to cry, I would suppress it and use some curse words to suppress it.
Since I have the gift of emotional intuition, I will use it in a positive place. To tame, to manage, to be friends with emotions and feelings. Don't be ashamed of them and dissipate energy outwards. Slow down in learning, share the decision-making process in your brain with others, open your own silos, and establish emotional communication. Since it would be uncomfortable not to be seen, go out by yourself and bring your true self to others to see. Create on your own initiative.
I really admire Temple. The inner pressure she was under was beyond my imagination. Temple himself still has the characteristics of wandering eyes and tight mouth corners. After achieving "success", she will still say, I'm still autistic.
Autism is not a disease.
It may come from some kind of imprint naturally carried by birth. It may not be healed, but we can choose to open a door bravely like Temple, and firmly believe that after opening the door, there is a new world.
Do you say I understand myself now? Some understand, but don't understand. But I know that what I can do is continue to open one of my own doors and walk on.
Just like Temple is mourning the passing of horses and the passing of Dr. Carroll, mourn well, keep up to date, and remind yourself to live well, mourn for the last second, and move forward with good memories. .
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