When making love, he said: You will remember this afternoon in the future. Even if you forget my looks, my name.
A 30-year-old man patiently scrubbed the body fluid from his legs for his 15-and-a-half-year-old lover, which was mixed with virgin blood. This scene has been lingering in my mind for a long time, gradually brewing, expanding, and becoming a colorful and gorgeous erotic legend.
Duras’s “Lover” based on his autobiography, if the gorgeous label of the title “LOVER” is removed, it essentially tells a bad girl who is in the rebellious period of youth and a physically weak and disabled person. The entanglement of lust among the dudes.
This definition is not because I disrespect Duras. I love this woman so dearly, and all the literary works are women who have reproduced the romantic affairs of my life. Her desire for eroticism was so eloquent that she confessed to the shame of a man. But at the same time it was her who used dignified words to cover up her unscrupulous and indignant private life. What we saw was a strong woman with dignity, wisdom, vicissitudes, self-mutilation, full of suffering but never defeated. With her high-grade literary creativity, she finally won a lofty person in the history of French and even world literature. The status of admiration.
Duras's literary magic is inseparable from the fact that she has spent all her life creating and feeling sexual events. A large amount of dew and love endlessly provided her with inspiration and material for her creation. She has openly lived with two men at the same time many times. Even so, never miss the opportunity to have an affair with a man other than a regular lover. She was also married and divorced, had children out of wedlock, and spent her entire life constantly looking for men who could give her passion for life and writing in an immoral state. Her history of working for a Nazi organization became a flaw in people's moral criticism and was expelled. After being a member of the Communist Party, she still considers
herself a communist... From Duras's shocking famous saying, you may be able to see her position: If a woman has sex with only one man in her life, it is because she doesn't like sex. And: the way to deal with men is to love them very, very much, otherwise they will become unbearable. I love men, I only love men. I can have 50 men at a time.
She even created a mysterious, fatalistic Duras-style sentence, which is fascinating: Before I drank, I had a face of drunkenness.
She even used one sentence to capture me to this day: I have been struggling with feelings different from ordinary people all my life.
Then, it is not difficult to understand the life pain of this woman I love deeply. Therefore, I also understand the anxiety, hunger, despair, and complacency of the white girl who wants to sell her body as a prostitute in "Lover".
Literature begins with describing the pain of oneself. Every heart eager to talk must have a heavy footnote about love and hate. If a writer does not have deep-seated pain in his heart, but plays a light-hearted word game, then he (she) is not a true writer, and there will never be a popular masterpiece.
Duras's inner desire world is a rushing river that will never dry up. Alcoholism and indulgence, her self-harm comes from an innate sense of destruction. And this sense of destruction stems from her family. Before she started to use a kind of absurd sexual activity and alcohol anesthesia as a way of life, the world she lived in had been devastated by natural and man-made disasters. Her spiritual homeland means that the enthusiasm for life and the confidence in family affection no longer exist. What brought her this subversive disaster, as can be seen from her works, was her mother, and all the misfortune, embarrassment, poverty, and poverty caused by her mother’s bad luck to the family under the special colonial background at the time. Endless quarrels. Duras's hunger and thirst for lust has taken shape in the environment of lack of love.
I'm very fortunate that Duras, who was 70 years old, wrote the story of "The Lover", not the little girl who was only 15 and a half years old at the time who yearned for writing. I am convinced that when Duras was young, he might not have the power to express tragedy so affectionately. Time can polish away all extreme emotions in people's hearts. Just like the Chinese writer Chi Li once said, maturity is all boiled out, until dripping water turns into ice. At the age of 70, the gray-haired Duras is full of deep passion, using poetic language to excavate a dusty past more than half a century ago. We felt the pain of the red face and the white head, but Duras made a high-profile appearance of the hero and heroine in the name of love, which made the gray background about the failure of colonial family entrepreneurship, the love and hatred of the filthy dispute between mother and brother, and the disillusionment of youth. , Devastation and thirst... all go behind the scenes. Only the fragile Chinese lover described by Duras, like the only light in a deep tunnel, came through time and space.
At the beginning of this article, I denied that this encounter on the Mekong was because of love. At least at the beginning, the hero and heroine of the story are just a battle of desires for each of them. Duras cannot be blamed for beautifying a relationship between prostitution and prostitution. What the years reminded her was all the good and hurtful edges and corners of the other party, but they had been quietly smoothed out in her heart.
The 15-and-a-half-year-old Duras, wearing an old silk dress and inlaid cheap sequins and sludge, severely worn high heels, the wind on the Mekong slightly blew the open collar under her neck, she was not yet formed The tiny nipple tips are looming behind the light clothes. Her lips with lipstick curled up slightly, but with presumptuous and licentious eyes... What kind of a moment of attracting the wind and butterflies, someone is destined to release her lust. Not him, there will be others. And he just caught up-he walked out of the old-fashioned car, handed the cigarette case with his yellowish fingers to her who was coquettish with one foot cocked on the railing. At this moment, he was trembling because of the desire in his heart.
Her pride speaks for itself. He bluntly said to her: You are so beautiful, you can do whatever you want.
On the way he took her to the church school, his hand was already between her legs wantonly doing whatever he wanted. Her eyes, glanced at his car, and the huge gold ring on his finger, the shame and anxiety that had haunted her for a long time, born of poverty, when this man appeared in front of her with his heavy wealth, All disappeared. She knows she can do whatever she wants. The lip print left on his car window was more intense than any physical temptation, detonating the last bit of restraint on both sides due to strangeness.
In the dormitory of the mission school, her only white girlfriend said to her that she would rather sell her body than take care of the leper. She stroked her naked body and said with envy: Blessed are those men. Finally, she followed him to his magnificent room and said: Do to me what you did to other women. In the hot and gloomy room, the light and shadow of the shutters were indistinct. Separated by a wall was the chaotic and noisy downtown at that time. They are like Adam and Eve isolated from the world. Enriched with a strong and shameless lust. At that moment, all I felt was desire, the sexual stupidity, growth, and spread, like dense insects, biting people's hearts to pieces, and covering up the stains of human nature.
Perhaps due to a deep-rooted ideological and conceptual racial discrimination, Duras deliberately repeatedly emphasized the weakness of her Chinese lover, both physically and spiritually. Seeing her 15-and-a-half-year-old carcass with her baby teeth clean, this virgin land that had never been developed, made him cry between a certain kind of moral struggle and a sensation of desire. That was a Chinese man who had been hollowed out by his long sensual life. At the beginning, he had only naked desires for her. The desire to make love proves that such a yellow man can possess a white girl's desire, so that he spares no effort in the process of making love, with a solemnity that can almost be described as comical.
Duras described this encounter as "the loss of virginity of a young white girl." In the process of watching the movie, Liang Jiahui, who played the Chinese lover, truly showed such a deep, repressive, and distorted sex. But I always feel that Duras has such a superior sense of superiority to the Chinese lover who is seduced and conquered by her. Comes from race, and age.
The heart is high above, while the body is below. From the way she looked at her lover, at least I can be sure that she did not fall in love with him. Not yet at this time. This sex was made entirely out of desire and sexual desire, and there was no sublime at all. Maybe, it can't even be called making love, it's just a sexual activity, helping her free herself from the shackles of survival. A rebellious adolescent girl with nothing, who can advertise this rebellion to the society has no other power besides physical misbehavior. At that time, Duras had not yet grown into a master of literature, and he didn't even know his own talent for writing. Otherwise, maybe she would have a better choice than easily dismissing the virgin body.
He also has a sense of psychological superiority because of his wealth and the fact that he has invaded this white girl. In the high-end restaurant, during the candlelight dinner, he smiled condescendingly and announced that I cannot marry you because you are no longer a virgin.
She grabbed the time to gorge herself and answered with a smile, that's great, anyway, I don't like Chinese people.
Do you see the breath of love? I only saw a pair of beasts of different genders facing the arena, each showing their own psychological superiority, self-expansion, and ruthlessly suppressing each other while in need of each other. She brought her family, and she wanted to use his wealth to defeat the shame of poverty and suspicion brought to her by her relatives, and to show them her rich lover even though he was a yellow-skinned Chinese. When he took out a few large bills to settle the bill, the fearful awe and yearning in the eyes of her family members once again established the importance and scarcity of money for her and her family. Her psychological superiority was stabbed, so she doubled affectionately to dance with her own brother, and her crotch writhed loosely between his brother's legs, showing her sexual charm unscrupulously. This move is to make him understand how insignificant his place in her heart is.
In the old place where they had sex, he slapped her, pulled off her panties, used sex to vent and warned her that she was attached to him. After being raped, she was able to ask him face-to-face: How much do you think I am worth? He threw the money to her. In the night when the light was cut across the horizontal grid on the door panel, he said to her, follow me, you came to me for money.
She said, I came to you for money.
In front of this shocking truth, he laughed mockingly. His smile showed pain for the first time. Perhaps at this moment, he has a need for her beyond sexual desire. Occupy her body, but can't rule her soul. What an unspeakable failure for him. When a man always pays attention to a woman's body, he deceives himself and others by paying attention to her soul, and when her body succeeds, he will be so greedy that he wants to find out what the other person's thoughts are.
It was not her fault that she fell in love with his money instead of him. It was like he could not marry her but obeyed an arranged marriage. She wandered around in the crowd watching his jeweled bride, her eyes were numb, and she continued to love and drift away. She has not yet possessed a heart mature enough to perceive love. Love needs to be compared. Different individuals and different environments should be compared together. So later, let us make sure that this love is Duras, who has experienced the sea at the age of 70, and not the 15-year-old and half-young woman. On the contrary, it was him, with the stinging truth-on the eve of the wedding, he delved deeply into her hollow eyes in despair and luck, and muttered, you don't love me. Her acquiescence gave him a positive answer.
They are such a poor and hungry couple. She is really poor and humble, with numb self-esteem, lack of true love ability, and the other is so poor that there is only money left, and he has no freedom of love and marriage.
He said, oh, you are such a born bitch. She actually smiled. Immediately, a teardrop fell from his twitching cheek.
With his funding, she returned to China. The ferry to France floats under the stars of the Indian Ocean, and Chopin’s piano music overflows from the lively hall. At this moment, all his favor and affection for her surfaced like God's blessing, inspiring her, melting her, crushing her, and destroying her. She felt like an afterthought, her desires suddenly disappeared, and her love suddenly awakened. She cried bitterly for the parting between him and her life.
Until then, the hero and heroine have completely completed the journey from sexual desire to love. Duras, who was 15 and a half years old, also peeled away the cocoon of lust and desire at this moment, and found himself who truly belonged to that age. Her tears are the best proof of the appearance of this love.
Perhaps love did not exist that day, only because of the heavy makeup of memories, love showed its beauty in the beginning of love.
End with a famous quote from Duras: If I am not a writer, I must be a prostitute.
Thanks Duras. Thank you for your pain. Thanks to the years I have learned to love you instead of obsessed with you, you once said that obsession is a kind of devouring. But loving you means that even if you fill the soul of a writer with the shell of a prostitute, I will remain committed to it.
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