In my opinion, the story of the first season is not about the first experience of love, but Devi's desires, all kinds of desires, these desires are actually born out of fear and sadness. Behind the voice of "want to fall in love" and "want to become popular" is not so much rebellion, disgust and dissatisfaction with one's own life, as it is being scared by life and running away, nothing can be done for a second Stay longer.
I want to become another person because I can't face my original life anymore. I don't have the ability to deal with the complex issues before me, so I can only cowardly seek escape and breathing opportunities by refusing to accept that I continue to exist as my "self". There is a big hole in my life. I filled different desires into this hole so that I can pretend that "everything is okay" and constantly strengthen other feelings in my life. I want to hypnotize myself and ignore the changes brought about by the accident. The huge impact that came, hypnotized myself "Hey, I'm just an ordinary person, I can continue to spend adolescence in an ordinary way". Behind all the actions that want to change oneself and highlight one's sense of existence is actually the hope that one can exist as an "ordinary person" and be accepted by everyone
This fear is based on the fear of becoming an alien in the eyes of others (minority identity, nerd at the bottom of the school food chain, loss of father, sudden disability), which reflects a search for an external sense of belonging (in sadness) There is no way to bear more loneliness), and it also contains a kind of self-examination and criticism, not afraid of becoming a stranger, but afraid of becoming a "machine" that cannot function normally. The emotional resolution is The shutdown of the machine and the breakdown of emotions are the disorder of life, even if this temporary chaos is to enable oneself to continue his life better-what I want to say is that Devi's examination of himself is not only based on the judgment standards of his peers. It is done, and it is also done through the eyes of the mother who has been deeply embedded in his mind-"Am I still a good daughter in my mother's heart?"
In Devi's story, if you lose your father, do you feel like you have lost the only person in your life who will love and embrace yourself unconditionally? In Devi's desire, does her desire for intimacy include to some extent her search for a candidate to fill the vacant father role? Instinctively hope to replace the missing fatherly love with another kind of love-not wanting to love but wanting to be loved-so in the first season of the story, it really doesn't matter if you kiss Paxton or Ben. It really matters. I want to make sure that I am loved-as long as you love me, I welcome it-"who do I love" is the question that hasn't been cared about at all
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