I remember when I was a child, she asked for leave in the afternoon to pick me up from kindergarten, and took me to the Youth Palace to paint sand paintings, holding hands big and small. I remember when I locked the door in the rebellious period she cried with an axe and smashed my door open with an axe, and the cold war I didn't look at for weeks. She and I have never been the model mother and son in the TV series. I and her have blurred boundaries between love and hate. We are like two primitive savages who do not pay attention to proportions, do not understand restraint, and hurt each other. But I love my mom, and my mom loves me too.
In November last year, I cried and called Xiaojiwei Shrimp across the ocean. I said I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to tell my mother that I was gay. I didn't want to hide it. I was so tired. Xiaojiwei Shrimp finally stopped me. She said, I know your pain, but wait and give her more time.
If coming out is like turning over a new leaf in life, then coming out presents an inescapable choice. In this new chapter of life, how many people will be chosen to stay in the shadow of my old life, and how many people will be able to participate in my new life?
To keep my mom living in a phantom that I've moved away from, I can't. I don't want to give her an unreal me in her life that started counting down time. If I don't tell her, I can't share my emotional frustration with her, I can't complain to her that there are so many scumbags, I even have to block my friends' network, my whereabouts, and my beliefs. The more time I concealed, the narrower the transparent window between me and her became, until one day no light could penetrate, and I locked my mother in the darkest corner of my heart.
I'm going to tell my mom that I'm gay because I'm going to let her witness my happiness and let her participate in my life. I want to hold her hand, just like she used to hold mine, and watch me grow into an adult.
I don't know the world and I have no intention of letting her miss too much, and I can't bear to force her to miss the rest of my life intentionally.
But I know, I'm still scared. No matter how much I wanted to hold her tight and let her prove how much she loved me, I couldn't tell.
Not because I feel ashamed to be gay, I'm telling you I'm proud.
It's not because I'm afraid that she won't love me after I tell her, I'm telling you that my mother is great.
It is because, while telling my mother that I am gay, I forced my mother to put down the picture of big hands holding small hands in kindergarten, and I forced my mother to give up the dream that I brought her a traditional family. Forcing my mother and I to bear the pain of reality together.
As a son who loves her, I don't want her to kick up the stairs. This woman who has been busy all her life just wants me to be happy. This woman who treats me like a treasure sees me being scorned by this society. Let her see me, scarred and worn out against the beasts of this world.
I don't want to, at the party of the seventh aunt and the eight aunts, my mother has to smile back at the criticism of the acquaintance. I don't want to give her one more worry in the tranquility she should have enjoyed in her old age.
Even I am afraid that the splendid future that I have worked so hard for will be disillusioned because of a sign of sexual orientation. This person who loves me more than himself has to work hard.
I'm afraid she doesn't have enough black hair on her head and the spine on her shoulders isn't straight enough.
When it comes to
being gay, neither one's own values nor discussions of "is sexual orientation a thing" matter. The pressure from society is the most realistic, and it is a problem that everyone in this circle must face.
No way, as a Chinese, it's hard for me not to feel guilty about my parents, and it's hard not to think that coming out will put pressure on my parents. After all, I can’t feel like a foreigner that my life is not guided by my parents. I will live in this society with clear rules. Even if I am open and my mother is open, this social environment is not ideal. I feel that as a child, I should let my parents worry less and share less pain for me.
Should I come out to my parents? I think it is necessary. But I'm really faltering on the way out, and I'm afraid I can't bear the guilt of my mom crying for me. I just hope that, with your endless tolerance and understanding of me, Mom, give me a little more time and let me live in the happy and carefree memories of me and you. Please allow me to hurt you one more time. Give me enough time, muster up the courage, hurt you once, then force you to heal with me, and then force yourself to carry you on your back.
The atmosphere is too serious, let's end it with a joke. Xiao Ming asked his mother why he didn't take him to the park to play in the spring. Xiao Ming's mother said that because your face was too square, if I was not careful, you would be blown away like a kite, and I was afraid that I would not be able to catch up.
(by WeChat public account: Male pet Ellis)
"Mom, I love you, and I'm gay too." "How can you say these two things in one breath? Saying you love me while hurting my heart like this."
- Saving Face
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