"Don't you realize that I still love you, and sometimes I hate everything you've done, and sometimes I don't care about you for hours. And that puts me in heaven. I've I have everything I want. I have my own friends, even a lover. Godchildren, happy careers, all of which I enjoy and do well. But I'm always tied to your past, and I don't know why. Maybe I'm a masochist, or a woman who can only be with one man, from start to finish. I don't know. It's all torture, Joann. I don't want to live with anyone but you, everyone else Makes me sick. I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty or to ask you for spiritual comfort, it's just to let you know how I feel, that's why I can't stand your kiss, can't stand you Make love to me. I don't know any other way to explain why, because after that you're still going and I'll just stay and wait. I've leaned towards seeing you, feeling on the water side. Please let's all Stay safe, or you'll just make me suffer."
Yesterday, I indulged in fun, and for the first time this year, I felt like I had my life back. And look forward to the days to come. Suddenly, I looked through old photos from my school days. I was only ten years old at the time. I seemed to want to find the reason why I became cowardly and escaped. I've lost myself and I don't know anything about it. I've always done what others want, and for as long as I can remember, I've been so submissive, decent, almost humble. When I was a child, I was capricious once or twice, but my mother would use etiquette and dogma to punish me severely. Their upbringing for me, and for the growth of my sisters, was to teach us to be meek. The fact that I am average and uneven in shape reminds me often. It was only later that I realized that my actions would benefit me a lot if I had my own way, if I had an attractive body and a simple mind. I started my most unrestrained deception during adolescence, all my thoughts, feelings, and actions revolved around sexuality. But I don't tell my parents, or anyone else. So I do it all with deceit and sneaky. My father wanted me to follow him as a lawyer, but I hinted to them that I wanted to be an actor, or do something related to the theatre industry. But they laughed at me. After that, I could only pretend to be crazy and act stupid. In getting along with other people, in getting along with men, I was shrewd in every facet. I always acted and tried my best to please others. I never think about what I like, but I always think, "What other people think I like," which is not generosity, although I've felt that way in the past. This is really just cowardice. What's more, it's all rooted in my indifference to myself. My life is unremarkable, and I have no talent for living a wonderful and exciting life. But now, for the first time, I have a deep sense of the drive to find the life I want to live. In the little happiness that Joan and I lived together, we were indifferent to everything. This is a kind of hidden cruelty and coldness. Every time I think about it, I am always more startled. Grooming our stable relationships comes at a heavy price. That is the gradual erosion of your humanity. It is always easy at first to tame the unruly motives of a child, and in my case, my tameness is Poison-like infusion, and it worked 100%. The guilt, at first, leaned more toward my mother, gradually toward others, and finally toward Jesus and God. In an instant, I could see the person I was about to become. Knowing this earlier, I would never be willing to let others arrange my life for me. I also wondered if I had lost myself, alone and helpless, if the source of happiness deep within me had withered. Or the root is still lurking, ready to wake up and be reborn at any time. I thought about what kind of wife and woman I wanted to be. If I can be unfettered, I will be as capricious as ever. Whether Joanne and I will ever get together, I'm sure we are destined to get together. Because I only need to do a little sincere analysis, we all loved and attached to each other at that time, the fault was only the fault, we never escaped the shackles of family. The ideal life worth living has not been created.
"Both you and I were born rich, but we let those fortunes burn away, leaving only poverty, misery and anger in the end."
"Although this is old-fashioned, it is true. We are all blind in our relationships. We have studied anatomy in Africa, and some farming methods, and we have also learned mathematical formulas by heart. But for the mind, no one has ever taught us. The emotional world people live in, we don’t know anything about.”
"It's because I cared too much that the cracks in our love appeared. If I didn't let myself be held back by guilt, I would have known that we were all wrong."
Joan "It doesn't make sense to go through these old accounts now."
Marianne "Your stupid sarcasm drives me crazy, what power do you have over my thoughts and feelings."
Joanne "I really want to smash the coldness and resistance that radiates from you"
Joan "There is a pure feeling between people, it has nothing to do with rational perception, and it has nothing to do with sexual desire. For you, it is impossible."
The love story is also top-notch:
"Time gave me a third partner and that was my experience"
"Hide your razor-sharp arguments, your terrifying feminine tenderness."
Marianne: "Sometimes I get sad because I never fell in love with anyone. I don't think I've ever been loved by anyone."
Joann: "Now you're emotional again. I know how I feel. I love you in a selfish way. I think you love me too, in your cumbersome, obsessive way. We all love deeply. The other side, in that vulgar and mutilated way. And you are so greedy for happiness."
Marianne: "Yes"
Joanne: "But look at me now, in the middle of the night, there's no pretense. In a darkroom somewhere in the world, sitting under your shoulders and cuddling with you, and you're holding me. I'm not one of the men The most emotional, I don't think I can be romantic. I don't know what my love is like, I can't describe it, and sometimes I don't feel my love."
"You really think I love you too"
"Yes, I believe"
idea:
When a man is proud, he wants to leave the marriage, and when he is disappointed, he tends to return to the family.
Not only women, but men also think that they have lost themselves in marriage, that they are living and fighting for their families, and have forgotten their original desires.
Camera movement tips:
It continues Bergman's photography characteristics of following the characters' movements with fast push-pull + panning. Lots of telephoto shots and great close-ups.
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