A man huddled in the corner of his bedroom in a room full of darkness, watching the end of the film with headphones in front of the screen, my consciousness is no longer my own but Alpa and Ada, the end of our separation I couldn't help holding myself and crying, I was thinking of her.
It’s been a long time since I experienced the sense of substitution I experienced from watching a movie. I always wanted to stop being emotional, but it’s impossible for me to not be emotional, and after I broke up with her again, I fell into endless regrets, I told myself , All this is the result of my immature emotionality, I blame myself, I regret, I tell myself to stop being emotional, I must always supervise myself not to be emotional, I am my own prison boss.
After a lapse of 8 months, I stayed in the cage of myself for 8 months. I kept reflecting in the prison, and kept improving myself, and progressed to an extremely delicate and stupid appearance. I denied my ideals, denied With the art I love, I want to be a rational person, an adult, and adults only talk about pros and cons. I thought that if we met again like this, she would fall in love with me again
Many of the girls I met after her couldn’t be like the ones I liked back then. I told myself that if I look at myself, conditions, circumstances, my social relationships, and my knowledge structure from the perspective of historical materialism, I won’t be able to experience that day. There was a hazy premonition in the sun and she just happened to appear in front of my eyes. At that time, my heart skipped a beat. Pain and emptiness filled my brain after she left. I studied the psychology of "Intimacy", and I read "Cognitive Psychology" to demonstrate the changes of "love" in my cognition. I went calm and objective. To analyze a person, only talk about the pros and cons to analyze the girl you meet, conceptualize, abstract her personality, use the learned love formula to get along with her, and make love and talk just like the college entrance examination. I tm really convince myself.
When I tried to look at Ada from Alpa's perspective, the whole world changed. I loved her so much but struggled so much in my heart, just like the spring rain breaking into the dry and cracked earth. At this moment, my The inner protective layer is split open as if by an axe, and love can enter.
I often want to arrange to get love through precise calculations, and I feel lost when I can't calculate. And when the calculation is successful, the psychology is like Alpa struggling to say goodbye to Ada. When it is about to be successful, I ask myself is this love? I honestly told myself that this is not the case. I feel that evaluating a person today is largely to judge her morally. When I realized that I was evaluating people in this way before, I realized such one-sidedness and ignorance. What is morality? In the words my high school classmates told me, when you are immoral to a person, all members of society can be immoral to you, but when I was a jerk, I played with the feelings of my female classmates unintentionally, and was spurned by the whole class. I thought it didn't matter at the time, but when an old friend of mine got together with a girl who I liked to pursue for a while (and then stopped chasing) I deeply felt the feeling of being immoral, the feeling of betrayal made me angry and made me realize When it comes to the mistakes of my previous behavior, I gradually use harsh moral standards to judge a person from the moral commanding heights. When I know that he/she has a lack of morality, I judge this person is not worth interacting with. Recently, I looked at avoidant personality. When I realized that this was a flaw, I was too harsh on others when I was not comfortable with myself.
I originally wanted to use a scientific method to cultivate my ability to love by reading psychology books and philosophy books. Did I get it? The means of love are obtained. I dress up my appearance, voice and conversation to be popular in the love market, but now it is deeply unlovable, just stay in love, I use scientific methods and logical methods to give myself Implant the concept of love, can love be conceptual? I originally thought it was possible, but after reading Lonely Heart, I felt that it was not possible, love is love, love is a feeling, love is a whole body and cannot be carefully studied with science. Pollution, before I fall in love, I have to think about whether I am in a passionate relationship with this person for a while and then leave, or if I plan to stay for a long time, and then make a decision, and the result of the decision is the word "give up", it doesn't matter if you think about it ,not worth it!
Hello! Dude, I really convinced you, just like the girls who listened to you about Marx, this kind of smart and stupid happens to you at the same time, listen clearly, love someone in the future to be as brave as Alpa (don't imitate him) scum in the sense)
Okay, that's all I have to say, wait, is there an ambient pot?
Yes, the operation of college girls also made me stunned. A girl chatted with several men at the same time and then chose from it, and I happened to be the best choice among all his spare tires, if I hadn't seen her and another The couples space opened by the man, tm almost got her way, another friend knew the girl who is also the sea king in the sea king, just in the first semester of freshman I know that she flirts with the next man, and also I met an extra person she talked about on Tantan after the college entrance examination during the summer vacation. One month after the university started, she suddenly sent a message to the man saying: Let's break up, and then delete it in seconds. The man was eating at the time, threw his rice bowl on the table and shouted tmd, and then Pixingdaiyue bought a train ticket and rushed back to the school where the girl was, and the girl had already talked about it at this time.
Is it that I can't love anymore or the circumstances don't allow me to love?
After reading some broken thoughts, I would like to use these words to commemorate the night of January 15, 2020 0.53 points
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