It was a day after Consula left. My son Kenny came to my apartment and he told me he was having an affair. Kenny described to me that his lover, Della, was a different woman, he loved her and wanted to marry her, and he wouldn't be like his father who only enjoyed the dew without the responsibilities of an intimate relationship. But he also told me that he couldn't live without his wife Lisa and their children.
I don't know how to answer Kenny. He is so honest and moral. And on the other hand I got caught by him, I was always running away from responsibility, I even told him that he should leave Della decisively because how could he be so stupid to jump from one cage to another? Yes, for most of us men, marriage is a prison.
I never meant to take any responsibility and just enjoyed switching from one relationship to another. As a well-known cultural commentator, I also know that there are often young female students who are impressed by my humor and charm.
It wasn't until I met Consula one day that I began to realize that I was getting old and that I had lost all self-confidence. From the first day I met Consula, I wanted to have her, I loved her youth and body. But at the same time I couldn't believe I would have her forever, and I kept fantasizing about a younger and better man who would take her away. This fantasy disturbs me. me and her? There is never a chance. Never ever. We can only be together for a few days? How many months? or years? When will the day be over? But we all know that day will come.
I don't even dare to see her family and friends and make any jokes. When they see me as an old man, they are as surprised and overwhelmed as young couples coming home and seeing their children make the house in a mess.
Of course I made the right decision, which couldn't be more natural. My relationship with Consula came to an end. This is of course the right thing to do, in line with the standard. When I was drinking coffee with my old friend George once, we talked about Consula, and we all agreed: I have proved to Consula that I am not so old; She brought another experience. You know, we men often discuss similar topics about women, and often get similar results, which is not surprising. As men, we often just need to prove that we are young, dynamic, and naturally rational. We know what is light and what is heavy, and we will never let a relationship be shackled.
Consula never called again. At first, I would turn on the answering machine every day when I got home, hoping to hear Consula's voice. But never. Slowly and finally, I also regained the balance and independence of my life, but I will always think of her inadvertently and miss every place we have been to. I have repeatedly wondered whether the choices I made were right or wrong. Two years later, I lost my best friend George, and he left us forever. Since then, I think I've really started to age. My lover Caroline and I have known each other for 20 years, but it was the first time that I opened up about our hearts. It was the first time I offered to take her to the airport. But whether I'm alone at home or walking in a crowd, playing ball or resting, no matter what Caroline and I are talking about, the only thing I miss will always be Consula.
One day, two years later, I received a message from Consula. She wanted to meet me in person and tell me something. I called her back and it was a familiar and unfamiliar voice. I didn't even know what to say. We made an appointment to meet at my apartment. I think Consula must have come to tell me that she is getting married, to reap my blessings. Only at that time, I didn't expect to see Consula cut short hair again, but what I want to tell me is that she is ill, suffering from cancer, breast cancer.
Time slips away inadvertently. We all thought that an old man like me would leave this world first, but we forgot that life is always full of surprises and variables. Consula pressed my nose with the tip of her nose and said softly: Now I am older than you. I burst into tears and couldn't cry, I was more scared than Consula. But at the moment I was afraid, I was lying in her arms. And at the moment when the inspection results came out, the next moment, the next moment, she took on everything alone. Our meeting confirmed that I missed her so much in her absence, and confirmed that she never stopped missing me.
We wasted two years in vain because of a "right" decision. When our lives are threatened with death, we realize that the things we thought were important in the past are no longer important, and the people we want to see should go to see them right away. Face your heart, love and accept love honestly, because life simply cannot stand the slightest waste. But before the disease comes, people will never think about such questions, they will never come to their own conclusions, but they will do what everyone will do and live the life that everyone will live. Like now, if you ask me, go back to two years ago, would you still make the right decision? It's hard to say no. Because we are men who are afraid of being restrained, we are afraid of getting old, afraid of being unreasonable, afraid of lack of self-confidence... The power of fear always makes us deliberately ignore the most real emotions in our hearts. I know that when we realize it, there will be guilt and remorse, and a bleak rest of life. But isn't that how most people's lives come about? Powerless to think, powerless to change, and then to grow old alone in a dying struggle.
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