Looking back at my twenty-seven years of life, it was an impassioned but also a history of struggle that blended blood and tears.
Born into a poor family in Henan Province, my life is not destined to be easy. My early life was completely arranged by my parents. Although they were not high-level intellectuals, they somehow had a persistent pursuit of quality education, and this pursuit was all pinned on a frail child. I had no choice but to do my best. The obsession that my parents instilled in me "education changes destiny" deeply influenced me and set the tone for my lifelong study journey.
However, in a family that is far from a scholarly family, it is obviously a luxury to cultivate children's interest in learning. I am 100% devoted to learning, not because I am a person who loves learning, but just an obedient child. I had to, to know how suffocating the heaviness of parents' high expectations and reality of poverty was. The indifference or scolding that comes with wanting to relax for a while is impossible for a child to face. As a child, I had to be obedient and try my best to satisfy my parents in exchange for a sense of security. Of course, the deep fear brought about by failing in the exam is not worrying about your own future, but just the fear of facing the disappointment and resentment in the eyes of your parents. I studied hard with all my life, just hoping to get a comfortable smile from my parents and a moment of relaxation in my heart.
After the college entrance examination, all this seems to have changed. Sending their children to college seems to be a watershed moment in their life mission in this era. They gradually became less strict with me, replaced by reassuring smiles. However, at the age of 20, when I was suddenly free of pressure, I felt that it was not easy. A nerd who devoted all his attention to his studies did not even know what an apple or an ipad was. How should I go, where should I go. How do I fit into the environment and gain friendships. I never gave up my studies, although during that time, I did not know why. At the same time, I tried to let go of the arrogance of "everything is inferior, only reading is high", to experience the secular culture, and even indulge myself and integrate into the environment in exchange for friendship. However, although my studies left the supervision of my parents, it never left me from beginning to end. It's a bond that I can never let go of.
After losing the heavy pressure of the college entrance examination, I had the idea of escaping my studies, but even without the burden of studying for my parents, I still couldn't give it up. Perhaps, 20 years of hard study in the cold window, although not voluntary, has become one with me. Or maybe, I am naturally suitable and like to read, but the heaviness of my family makes me unable to look directly into my heart. I think it's both, and anyway, after a little bit of confusion in college and masters, I seem to see what I really want.
When my supervisor asked me why I was a PhD student, I thought about it. After a few things, I think it's time to settle down again. This time, not for others, but for myself.
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