I've been watching Patrick Melrose and little Patrick these past two days. I feel really distressed, as if I'm watching my own childhood. Very depressing, very dark, full of dark thoughts of children, that may be the most vicious thoughts in the world, beyond the imagination of adults. Hiding in the dark and crying, or staring at something as if to see through it. In this process, there will be something like a black vortex, which will slowly swallow up the little self. In this process, anger, self-esteem, self-confidence and the bottom line will be slowly swallowed up, resulting in something called tolerance. A self-sacrificing personality is gradually formed. Children will be infinitely tolerant of any behavior that does not harm their own body, and self-hypnotize. This is good. I can understand why Patrick struggled until he was twenty-six, it was hard, he was etched in his bones, and it was hard to take away a part of who he was for so long, what I would call his black self. The black self will haunt you. As long as the people who brought you the original harm do not disappear and their memories do not disappear, they will always be tormented by the black self. Even if they disappear, you will find that what the black self can remove is only his anger, the thorns on his body, and those scars are deeply engraved in the bones, no matter how to wash them off. You can only make peace with yourself, accept your imperfect self, and accept what you don’t like.
Would it benefit me if I could help some kids with the same problem? Will you fulfill your dream in another sense? I hope that you, who are surrounded by darkness, have the courage to try. You are not alone.
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