1
There is such a plot in "The Perfect Stranger".
17-year-old Sophia goes on a date with her boyfriend.
This date is extraordinary because there may be sexual relations.
And she was still a virgin.
She informed her father of this.
I think that for any parent, hearing about such a thing, how to face and deal with it, is a test.
If you stop brutally , it's simple: No, you can't go!
As a result, her daughter was brutally prevented and controlled her generation. Either she felt shame or she gave birth to a rebellious heart.
The moral judgment is also very simple: Are you a little bit ashamed? I want to sleep with a man at such a young age...
As a result, her daughter was injured, full of resentment, and estranged, and she would no longer be honest with her parents. Moreover, it will not play any positive role for her daughter in the choice of "go or not".
Laissez-faire , it is equally simple: you do I do not care, can figure ......
As a result, the daughter felt that she was not taken seriously, so she naturally went to sleep.
None of these are good strategies for dealing with this difficult problem.
2
Sophia's father did a great job.
When he was having a family gathering with his friends, Sophia called her father in the process.
Father: Hi, my dear, how are you doing?
Sophia: Hi, Dad, I'm fine. Is it convenient to talk now?
Father: Of course you can.
Sophia: I don’t know how to speak, Gregorio’s parents are not at home, and then he tells me... to go to his house for the night... Dad, are you listening?
The father was gentle from beginning to end, without anger, judgment, and blame.
He said: Well, then what did you say?
Sophia: I don't know, but I want to go... but I didn't expect it to be tonight. If I don't go, he might be unhappy. what should I do?
Father continued to say gently: Don't go to his house because he is unhappy, this shouldn't be the only reason.
Sophia: Of course not.
Father: And don't expect me to support you more.
Sophia: Don't do that, Dad.
Father said:
What I want to say is that this is an important moment in your life, something you will remember throughout your life. It's not just for you to chat with your friends tomorrow, if you think about it in the future, whenever you think about it, this thing will make your mouth smile, just do it! But if you don’t think so, or are not sure, then forget about it! Because you still have a lot of time.
How rational and warm.
I have to say that this is really the most sensible and gentle response.
As the mother of a psychologist, she also said to her father: You handled it very well.
3
But Sophia would not say this to her mother.
Because, if she listens, "If she doesn't listen to the explanation, she will only lose her temper."
Her thoughts will only be exposed to someone who does not judge her.
Her honesty will only be given to someone who understands her.
When the other party cannot give understanding and tolerance, and she is not yet strong enough to ignore the attitude of others, then she will lie or escape.
At this point, everyone must have an experience.
When I was a child, I fought with my classmates and was hurt. After returning home, my father asked, "What's the matter?"
You would say: "I fell."
Because if you tell the truth, what is waiting for you must be even more embarrassing humiliation and punishment.
When the workbook is used up, you will lie: "The school has to pay for the workbook, 20 yuan..." Because, if you ask your parents for money on the grounds of your own demands, they will never give it.
If you fail the exam, you will throw away the test paper.
Go home and say to his parents: "Not bad, more than 70 points."
Because the price of telling the truth is too great.
When a person chooses whether to lie, he has already made a subconscious judgment:
Honesty = a steady stream of trials + unbearable complaints. Lying = high probability of calm + possible benefits.
4
Honesty is conditional.
One is a sense of self-power, and the other is foreseeable tolerance.
Self has power and can be fully responsible for mistakes. He will choose to be honest.
Foreseeable to be tolerated, the price will not be too great, he will also choose to be honest.
If both of these are missing, lying, it becomes a form of self-defense.
This is not a problem that simple moral education can solve.
If the child is excessively required to be honest, and bluntly preaching that "honesty is a virtue" and "honesty is the foundation of being a human being" will often create a "less honest" child, who will use more secretive, circuitous, and painstaking efforts. The way to deal with parents and conceal the truth.
If things go on like this, he will be dishonest to himself.
Where is the root cause?
It's the child and you.
You have to understand enough, he wants to grow up freely.
5
When you are angry about his lies, be sure to ask yourself: If he is honest, will you give his honesty a way to survive?
If not, then you are just controlling .
In this kind of control, there is no respect, no understanding, only "you must listen to me and follow me" and the fear of losing control.
These are all contrary to true love.
In Chai Jing's "Seeing", there is a great saying:
The foundation of tolerance is understanding, do you understand? Tolerance is not morality but awareness. Only with a deep understanding of things can you have a complicated understanding and understanding of people and the world, and have the habit of thinking that is not easy to criticize and praise.
In a family full of respect and love, each child can grow up freely, allowing the inner spiritual embryo to grow out of his own wonderful future.
When will a person not lie?
The answer is simple: when there is no need to lie.
For example, Sophia in "The Perfect Stranger".
She doesn't lie to her father because she doesn't need it.
She knew that her father could understand herself.
Will not be rudely controlled;
Will not judge morally;
Will not let it go.
No matter what he grows into, he can give himself rational and warm support.
Therefore, after watching this film, many people will sigh and say: Only with such a father can he be treated favorably by fate, and life will truly bloom freely, full of miracles and full of possibilities.
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