Last night I watched the movie Weekend, never thought a little independent movie would touch me so much that I still feel like I'm traumatized. The sense of despair, the sadness passed down to my throat so easily like a shot of gin and burns my stomach from within to without.
I resonate so much with Russell in the movie, because I feel like we are really similar in a lot of ways. We are both shy, down to earth kind of people, not really looking forward to do something huge but comfortable with our life. Glenn asked him,' do you feel happy? He answered 'I am absolutely fine, off course I could have been better but I am absolutely fine with wherever I am right now.' I read an article and it described it as living in the default. For some reason, there's something intrinsically charming, captivating about living in the default, it's something everyone would experience but would try everything to run away from. We constantly want to stimulate our sensory, trying to achieve the peak moment described in the positive psychology class. We talk fast, we pretend to be happy but the truth is we don't have to,it's fine to just be like a living being and do whatever it means.
Living in default is effortless, it makes a tiny peak moment seem like the high light of life. Something you can remember forever. For this very long time, I can finally understand what the guy in house of cards meant when he described his crave for stories, it's like entering an adventure, looking at someone's life closely, see who they really. It's addicting. I am not attracted to beautiful people, powerful people or even successful people. I am attracted to real people, people that have flaws, people that have their own problems and they just chose to live with it. People that allow their emotion that would be busted out and not feeling embarrassed. And that is my definition for how to be a human. How to be real, how to put yourself on the ground and feel like you are dissolving into the mud,it's a feeling of disappearing but also a feeling of an ultimate fulfillment because from thereon, you are the earth. That's when you feel you are most secure.
That movie was beautiful, because it's so real, it feels like something that could happen on me ( I travel a lot). That simple interaction with another human being, with all the social context, identity, nationality stripped away, just perspiration and truly loving gaze into each other's eyes. And that will be the most beautiful.
(totally something out my journal, not really meant to make any sense, brain fart-ish)
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