On the morning of the last day of my life

Lloyd 2022-04-19 09:02:33


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Early in the morning on the last day of my life, I remembered what Om said to me two days ago, that we played with the fountain of life, and we failed.
I don't understand what this means. We have had so many beautiful summers.

As the sun came up I thought back to the men I met, some with names and some without. And Zu, my husband, lay in the next room. How I spent these years with him I can't remember all of them, until now I still miss the days when the war kept us away, as if only by staying away can people keep the hope of love, and only by keeping the hope is it real live.
At that time, I was alone at home, and I didn't go to anyone else. I read Zu's letter over and over again, imagining his longing for me. Those fiery sentences convinced me that I was young and attractive.
Then the war ended, we got married, had a baby, and I didn't love him anymore.

I fell in love with Zhan, in fact I fell in love with Zhan before the war, but then I also loved Zu. Yes, two men, they were once in my heart at the same time. God knows what I'm saying is true.
The three of us once lingered in the theatres and riversides of Paris together, unforgettable days. I could see something in Zhan's eyes, but Zu took the lead in expressing his love, and I was with Zu.
That doesn't mean anything to me. But Zhan Zhan kept his distance from me, and even in the same room with me, he was silent like a coward. If he invites, I will certainly agree to meet him.

After the war we reconnected with Zhan.
One day, Zu told me that he would invite Zhan to be a guest at his house. Except for going out on a date with other men, except for the month when he eloped with my ex-boyfriend, I have not dressed up like this in all these years! Because of his arrival I was rejuvenated. I deliberately added lust to my smile as he got off the train.

The sun is fully up. I don't know why Zhan went to Paris and never came back. I was pregnant with his child, but he didn't come to see me, saying that he couldn't be sure that the child was his. He must have forgotten the months when the three of us lived together and everything was in perfect harmony. Why is he suddenly going to promise loyalty to another woman?
I never promise anyone, but every emotion I give is true!
Two people in love is not enough, I never give up love! I get some happiness from everyone, and my happiness cannot be given by one person. From the zero point to the boiling point of love, what I give to each person is different to determine the length of time I spend with them, and I have a good grasp of them over the years!
am I wrong? Why do you want to leave? Why should I leave when I dedicate all my love to him? Why did Zu talk about that Chinese drama about the emperor? Why did things get messed up and why did accounting say I failed and we failed?
Because of the fact that I felt unfree from leaving, I had never experienced this kind of pain. I even began to feel that the kind of freedom I had felt didn't exist at all.

Today, dangerous enough to start doubting freedom, the sun is over my head, and I'm going to die.


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Extended Reading

Jules and Jim quotes

  • Jules: The most important factor in any relationship is the woman's fidelity. The husband's is secondary. Who was it who wrote, "Woman is natural, therefore abominable?"

    Jim: Baudelaire, but he was describing a certain world.

    Jules: Not at all. He spoke of women in general. What he says about a young girl is magnificent: "Horror, monster, assassin of the arts, little fool, little slut. The greatest idiocy combined with the greatest depravity." Wait. I'm not finished. This is marvelous: "I'm always astonished they allow women inside churches. What could they possibly have to say to God?"

    Catherine: You're both fools.

  • Jim: I understand.

    Catherine: I don't want to be understood. It's almost dawn.