When Dad left, I didn't feel real at all, it seemed like an innocuous thing.
The tears I shed were more like emotions rendered by the environment, like the tissues that were piled up in a hill full of snot and tears when watching "The Undertaker", which was passive.
Baoshan Funeral Home is more like a corpse market, noisy and crowded, and you can even walk through the corpses freely, "observing" the old people who are as stiff as wax figures. Daddy was brought straight from the freezer to us, in his tall, dark blue suit. The little aunt collapsed on the spot, and I just reassured her that what was happening in front of my eyes was so absurd.
There were a lot of people at the funeral, and it didn't have the solemnity and serenity of the movie, as if we couldn't wait to get rid of the body, which was a hassle.
In fact, Dad's remains were very peaceful, which made me unable to speculate on his pain, but it was not until the coffin was pushed into the cremation furnace and I heard the roar of burning that I suddenly realized that Dad was dead and I had never seen you again. Not him anymore.
The whole life we worked so hard for ended up in ashes, and this feeling of loneliness scares me deeply for a long time to come.
"Death may be a door, passing away is not the end, but a transcendence, leading to the next step. Just like a door."
This is a word that saved me, and it must have saved many confused people.
Dad, forgive me, I'm not too sad, maybe I understand this truth deep in my heart, but I don't want to let myself romanticize funerals. Be at ease with your departure, the skin you lost, we decorated it carefully, buried it under the flowers, and sent it to another world. They will bind you in the next life, and then, soon, we will meet again.
"Thank you, see you later."
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