A paraplegic patient with a high level of life depends on the help of his family to live well. He has always wanted to be euthanized, and wanted to leave with dignity, but he was not recognized by others, and was even misunderstood. This is the storyline of the 2004 Spanish film "Eternal Sleep".
In addition to seeing the protagonist Raymond pursuing euthanasia, "Eternal Sleep" also conveys a philosophy: respect others and never judge others at will.
judge
In "Eternal Sleep in the Deep Sea", the female lawyer asked the protagonist Raymond why he wanted to euthanize instead of choosing to use a wheelchair instead, because many people who are paralyzed like him live well in wheelchairs. For example, in "Eternal Sleep in the Deep Sea" and Lei A paralyzed priest.
Raymond replied, I'm not judging anyone, and I beg you not to judge me either.
In "Eternal Sleep", as long as there is a judgmental dialogue, the relationship between the two will become very tense, even if they are close as brothers. Raymond's brother has always disagreed with Raymond's choice of euthanasia. Because for him, it is the most important thing for his brother to live well. Brother Raymond said that the mind is free, but he didn't understand why Raymond thought this way. Raymond's thoughts were terrible and made the whole family humiliated. Neither of them said goodbye until Raymond left.
In another place, in "Eternal Sleep in the Deep Sea", a woman whose life is unsatisfactory comes to visit Raymond and persuade Raymond to live and let Raymond not be autistic. This made Raymond, who was chatting and laughing at the beginning, immediately become aggressive, and clearly told her that he didn't know anything about him: don't judge him at his home. The two people who had been chatting easily, after the woman judged Raymond not to be autistic, Raymond rudely counterattacked each other, just a frustrated woman, the woman ran away in anger.
The most conflicting is the dialogue between Raymond and the priest. After the video of Raymond applying to the court for euthanasia was released on TV, the paralyzed priest like him, sitting in a wheelchair, said that Raymond did this because his family did not give enough love, and Raymond just wanted more. Just pay attention. The priest even went to Raymond's house in an attempt to reform his mind and persuade Raymond to give up his pursuit of euthanasia.
Because the wheelchair the priest was sitting in could not be moved upstairs, so he had to rely on others to run up and down to convey the message. Raymond couldn't stand the priest's remarks, and the two directly debated loudly.
The priest said: Freedom without life is not freedom. Raymond said: Life without freedom is not life.
Not only did the conversation between the priest and Raymond broke up, but the usually gentle sister-in-law Raymond, because the priest said on TV that her family did not love Raymond, led to Raymond's remarks that he wanted to euthanize, which made Raymond's sister-in-law brave. He stood in front of the priest and told the priest that the priest was wrong, everyone in their family loved Raymond very much, and what the priest said was empty talk.
As long as people start chatting with emotions, they will definitely provoke resistance from the other party. In "Eternal Sleep in the Deep Sea", when the female lawyer and Raymond discussed love, Raymond said that he could not love now. The female lawyer is disabled, and it is very likely that she will become paralyzed in the future, so she is sensitive to Raymond's words and feels that Raymond is judging herself. The atmosphere became tense. Smell of the quarrel, ending with Raymond saying "I'm talking about me".
Judgment is the beginning of the quarrel. Raymond's brother, woman, priest, and even the female lawyer who has always supported Raymond, as long as there is a taste of judging each other, no matter how pleasant the conversation was, the relationship between the two will become tense. stand up.
do not judge
Only those who do not judge others at will, can the relationship between the two be maintained well. In "Eternal Sleep in the Deep Sea", when the female lawyer asked Raymond's sister-in-law what she thought about her brother-in-law's desire to be euthanized, the sister-in-law replied: That's what he wants, and it doesn't matter what she thinks.
The female lawyer was able to walk into Raymond's heart because she understood Raymond and never judged him. The female lawyer just used various methods to understand the real Raymond and what kind of person he was.
The conversation between the sister-in-law and Raymond has always been very gentle, and the female lawyers can enter Raymond's heart because they don't judge Raymond. Including the woman who later helped Raymond achieve euthanasia, when she finally stopped judging Raymond, she decided to help him.
Similarly, in "Little Joy", Aunt Liu Jing and Yingzi, a high school student, became friends because Liu Jing never judged Yingzi, and it was more an understanding. Yingzi carried her mother on her back and begged her father to sign the application form she wanted to attend the Nanjing University summer camp. Liu Jing analyzed it carefully for Yingzi. After listening, Yingzi felt that she had done something wrong and asked Liu Jing if she wanted to get the return form? Liu Jing said that as a friend, she analyzes from Yingzi's point of view, and there is no right or wrong choice. If Liu Jing said something like "you did it wrong", I'm afraid that Yingzi would not take Liu Jing as a friend again.
Whether it is between family members or friends, one thing that people do too easily is to judge each other. There are judgments everywhere in life.
farewell to judgment
Krishnamurti said: When one's mind compares, judges, condemns, or accepts, we give these reactions a chance to take root.
Maybe from waking up in the morning, because the child doesn't get up, you lose your patience and say to the child: "You are such a big slacker, stay in bed every day.". Since then, the child has really become a difficult household to get out of bed.
Children don't like to say hello to strangers. You say to others, "My children are introverted and never take the initiative to say hello to others." In fact, children will greet people they know well, but when they hear their parents say this, they will Slowly turned into not saying hello to people.
In interpersonal relationships, many conflicts begin with judging each other. Marshall Luxemburg's "Nonviolent Communication" points out that the first step in nonviolent communication is observation, not judgment. To observe is to state facts objectively, without any personal emotional overtones . As Corey Patterson puts it in Critical Conversations: How to Communicate Effectively:
Facts are the least controversial content.
For example, "He really complains when he's talking to me." That's a judgment. To state the facts, you can describe it like this: "When he was chatting with me yesterday, he said three times that he didn't like his current job."
In life, how to do it, just state the facts without judging?
1. Describe the facts with the SCOUT checklist
This is a fact-focused approach from Mark Murphy's "Speak with the Facts: 8 Principles of Transparent Communication." Specifically, SCOUT is:
- Specific-specific
- Candid - just
- Objective-objective
- Unemotional - Unemotional
- Timely-timely
In life, the most judgmental words are:
- every time/always/always/often
- never/rarely/no one
- never/impossible
These words are usually subjective evaluations. If you add specific time, frequency, etc., you can make the content specific and make it easier for the other party to listen. For example, "Always stay in bed", change it to "This week, I got up three times late."
To be fair , to explain in the correct language, rather than evasive and evasive for the sake of affection. Mark Murphy gave such an example in "Speak with Facts": When an employee is late a few times, as a supervisor, you have to inform the other party that if you are late again, you will lose your job. The only fair way to say it is to tell the other party the information directly, not to say "don't worry too much, it's not that bad."
Be objective , just look at the facts. Not all facts can be concreted. The easiest way to judge others is: It's your fault. And the voices of opposition also have the corresponding common sentence pattern "It's not my fault, because who caused it." This will make the conversation deviate from the direction and become an argument about who is right and who is wrong, and many things are not wrong or right. problem, but a different position. To get out of this debate, we must be objective and put aside who caused the fault first.
Not being emotional is the hardest thing to do. It's easy to blurt it out: you idiot. He is so selfish. What he did is really stupid... all these words are judgments. In other words, labeling others. Mark Murphy says:
Once we label someone as above, we stop thinking about a particular context and behavior.
Ronald B. Adler and Russell F. Proctor pointed out in "The Art of Communication" that emotional language actually indicates the speaker's attitude toward something . Next time, before you speak, think about what you say, do you label others and wear hats? If so, keep your mouth shut and think about how to use the words to describe the facts objectively.
Timely , refers to focusing on what is in the moment. If you have a holiday with a certain person, and you start to turn over the old accounts as soon as you discuss things, then this conversation is destined to be unpleasant and will turn into a quarrel. And in time, paying attention to what is happening at this moment can make the conversation more rational.
Using the SCOUT checklist to describe the facts in a specific, fair, objective, unsentimental, and timely manner is the first step in focusing on the facts and not judging others at will.
2. When confronting, use the language of "I"
Common conversations in life are:
- "you are wrong"
- "You stupid"
- "You're always so careless"
- "Your jokes are disgusting"
Unsurprisingly, the quarrel and confrontation between the two will soon follow. If replaced with:
- "This matter, I think it will be better to do this?"
- "On this paper, you forgot to write the decimal point twice. I'm a little angry."
- "It embarrassed me when you told these jokes."
Replacing the language of "you" with the language of "me" will make it easier for the other party to accept it. Ronald B. Adler and Russell F. Proctor in The Art of Communication
"You" language expresses the speaker's assertion about the other party. "I" language is a way for the speaker to accept responsibility for information.
The language of "you" will arouse the defense of the other party, and even if the content of what is said is correct, it is difficult to listen.
When confronting, using the language of "I" and the language of "you" when complimenting can make communication smoother .
3. Self-extraction
Mark Murphy's definition of self-distraction in "Speak with Facts":
When we replay conflict in our brains and fundamentally change the way we see things, emphasizing only the facts, it can have a major impact on our state of mind.
Psychologists have done research, let two groups of people recall from the perspective of non-first perspective and self-detachment, respectively, with lovers or friends, the results show that the people who use the first perspective, the emotions when recalling are still the same. Very strong, while those who use self-extraction do not fluctuate much.
In the study, when the experimenter used self-distraction, he regarded himself as a fly lying on the corner of the wall and pulled himself away from his body to observe how he interacted with other people. You can imagine yourself as a fly, you can also imagine yourself as a spider in the corner, of course, if you don't like small animals, you can also imagine yourself as a camera, just recording. As Sulla Hart and Victoria Hodson advise in Nonviolent Communication for Parents:
To develop the ability to observe without judgment, think of yourself as seeing through the lens of a camera. What exactly did you see (or hear, remember) there?
Self-detachment, just to see and listen, to understand what the truth is, so that we can communicate more rationally.
In life, when you want to give advice to others, use the language of "I" more, use the SCOUT checklist to focus on the facts, use the method of self-distraction, develop the habit of looking at facts in three steps, and try not to judge others at will. A lot of emotional conflict can be avoided.
We do not like to be judged, but we like to judge others. Changing a habit is difficult and requires constant reflection and practice. As stated in Difficult Communication:
You have the power to reflect on your own conversation and bravely restart it.
When we focus on the facts, and we restart the conversation, there may be a lot less confusion, as sung in Ruth Bebenmeier's song:
如果不把事实和意见混为一谈，
我们将不再困惑。
因为你可能无所谓，我也想说：
这只是我的意见。View more about The Sea Inside reviews
