——I. New York State Super Invincible Beautiful Girl
At the end of 2017, I wrote a diary fragment: "Okay, good, good, if I can go back to the past, I am willing to escape all loneliness and no longer overturn the definition of happiness. I am willing to follow the steps, There is a solid class group and love, and there is a warm existence. I would like to study the Chinese Department of Peking University, and I would like to go to Weiming Lake for running every day, the lake there is like a mirror, I would like to sit by the mirror, right Mirror decals are yellow. If everything could be done all over again. I would like to learn a nice Beijing accent and be exiled on Chang'an Avenue. If I could go back in time to nine years ago, I would like to make a new choice and go somewhere else."
These words are Written on the plane back to the US. At that time I was in a trance and had a nervous breakdown. At that time, I hated all organizations to escape the trauma of collectivism. I have no school pride, no national pride, I hate rhetoric, propaganda, I hate clothes that basically don't have the school logo on it, this is in an American university, I'm a literature major, and we discuss communism and capitalism in a literature class, All American students yearn for communism.
I ask, if there is communism, will these personalities of yours still be promoted? Your race, body shape, sexual orientation, likes and dislikes, do you think you can still be yourself?
It's a paradox because a kid in the movie writes that we're all the same regardless of our race.
That is to say, if communism has created a world that is exactly the same, the world will be united, then there will naturally be no discrimination.
The person whose personality is suppressed is the person who has never been discriminated against. It's a girl karo who finds herself looking like a nun in white clothes and never wears it again
I'm half karo, but I never wanted to change, I just wanted to leave. I was brought up like that, I had everything, I learned everything, everyone loved me, everyone respected my opinions and ideas, and I grew up reading books, that kind of person.
What does it mean to not feel like a demon in a group? Japan invaded China, Nazi Germany, Red Guards during the Cultural Revolution, China smashed Japanese cars, and so did Japanese shops. Because they have the so-called sacrifice of themselves, the so-called integration into the collective, for a larger goal. common goal.
Doing evil is justifiable. That's the collectivism I hate, I've hated it since I was a kid. I hate wearing red scarves, because in elementary school, if you don't wear a red scarf, you won't be allowed to enter the school gate, and the head teacher will humiliate you. I hate school uniforms. At that time, I was wearing skinny jeans and rolled up my trouser legs to show my ankles. If you don't let me do anything, I will show you what I do. I'm sorry, my ankles are too beautiful.
At that time, there was a girl I liked a year older than me. She wore tight short sleeves and hung out with boys in the playground in summer. Call her bitch behind her back. I was proud to have the same dress as her back then. Her legs are not thin. She danced ballet since she was a child. She has a well-developed body and a straight waist. When other girls raise their glasses, they will say, "Look at her, her legs are thick, what's wrong with her, and she is so showy. It must be with people." slept. What does a 14-year-old know? Later, like me, she flew far away to a country full of individualism.
At that time I wrapped myself tightly because the head teacher used to shame me, just because I didn't wear school pants. Ankle exposed.
At that time, I was in the best class in the best school, and at that time, the sense of honor was terribly high. At that time, we had to cut our hair to the base of our ears. At that time, if the bangs were over the eyebrows, the fat middle-aged female teacher would be pulled out and humiliated in front of the whole school. The word slut could be spoken, from the students to the ancestors. Eight generations, the female dean's lipstick is so dazzling, the yellow hair is so dry, and the body is like Winnie the Pooh's honey pot. At that time, when we wrote essays, we had to use templates. I couldn't stand it, so I never wrote essays. At that time, when we stood in front of the national flag, we had to take an oath, and there was also the school flag. At that time, when our "teacher is good" was not loud enough, we had to stand up and shout again. At that time, when we went to the sports meeting, we had to hold on when we ran. , The teacher looked at me and said, Xiaohong did not come today at 5000 meters, you, you go to me. At that time, I was holding on to the run, because I don't usually run. At that time, I worked hard and felt that the collective was everything.
At that time, I read all the books that should not be read, I read the lover, why the bird in the cage sings, I read a hundred years of solitude, love in Hiroshima, toni morrison's song of solomon, the cather in the rye. Many of these books are banned for high school students in what is now Iowa, a state famous for its literature.
After so long, I was escaping from the collectivism I used to be.
To this day, when I put on makeup and good-looking clothes, I have a momentary sense of guilt, which is already very light, but still there.
As if I'd always have to wear a school uniform, with my hair cut to the base of my ears, to be right.
No matter how stylish and casual my college hoodie is, I feel ugly wearing it because I instinctively hate things that represent collectiveness and belonging.
One thing is that when you were young, you didn’t understand, you didn’t understand anything, you didn’t understand that what you experienced was wrong or right, and you couldn’t distinguish between good and bad experiences. Obedience, you don't know love and hate, good and evil, so you bully others like a hooligan, and you don't know either.
But what are the counter-results of the overthrow of collectivism? Humans are lonely. Japan is a country with a high degree of loneliness, so they had fascists. I don't know Germany, but I know what it's like to be alone and not understood, like the diary I wrote on the plane while crying.
I remember that feeling of loneliness. I was sitting on the playground of my high school last summer, listening to the head teacher and parents kindly analyzing the students, thinking of my high school, American high school, the price I paid for leaving the group, and the inevitable of loneliness. I think of the freedom of American high school, and of my own disdain and loneliness in freedom. At that time, I and a very beautiful British girl who could play the guitar but was very indifferent, and an American boy who was very smart and good-looking, hung out every day, and smoked after class. The three of us were all lonely people because we didn't I like super bowls, but I don't like school meals, I don't like American bluffs, Americans' simplicity and frivolity, and Americans' stupidity. We listen to a lot of indie, the last time is lana del ray, never listen to justin bieber and. We sat on the couch and watched 10,000 movies and talked deeply ridiculous, what authoritarianism, what censorship, what culture, what sex, what feminism, mess, we escaped from boarding school to New York on weekends, great escape, Sounds romantic and beautiful.
This is what freedom brought me, my small group, at that time, I really wanted to integrate into the mainstream because of loneliness.
Actually not. At that time, I was extremely lonely, sad, and unforgettable. I was 16 years old at that time, and I wanted to have a superficial brain, and I also wanted to have a high school boyfriend like everyone. At that time, I knew that I would never have another in my life. The opportunity to be a sweet and simple high school student, but I keep turning it down and hate what everyone does.
All my efforts are half to escape from the group, and half to mourning that I have no chance to be a normal girl. I have always felt that I have to be corrected. until today. I'm someone torn by half of myself.
So freedom is difficult for me, with countless tears and confusion. The road is long and difficult. I think freedom is difficult for everyone, especially in a place of collectivism.
Collectives are ugly, I've always felt that way. Ugly and smells stupid.
I hate college entrance examinations, school uniforms, military training, running gymnastics, and telling others about how good our school is. I do not.
Collective means sacrifice, obedience. But what about my loneliness. When I was watching the movie, I thought over and over again, if I had to choose again, would I really choose the group instead of the individual.
What about a small group? Just like a family, a family where middle-class parents have nothing wrong, Karo's family brings her a completely different experience and awareness.
What about the unfortunate people? What about the lonely ones? What about karo's broken boyfriend? What about the less-than-good-looking fragile girl who likes her boyfriend? The fragility and repression of people in the dark make them breed extremes. The loser of every society is a high-risk individual who commits crimes. Tim is such a child.
I have always, always understood tim's loneliness and knew he was going to kill himself before he shot himself. A person who sees the wave as higher than anything else, a child who only has that thing to cling to, full of juvenile blood, how fragile and sad. He had no power himself, and pinned his power on the pistol.
It's weird that part of the ego is karo and part of the ego is tim. Both can feel the same, half torn apart. relatable. So how complicated is human nature.
The girl who liked her boyfriend said that Karo just felt that she was not valued in the wave, so her ego was playing a role in making her oppose the wave. With such a familiar brain hole and logic, the girl projected her jealousy onto Karo. Her inferiority complex was at work, and she knew it from beginning to end.
Why do we dare not talk about the Cultural Revolution? Why do American college students, who study politics, literature, art and philosophy, even those professors who are so flamboyant and full of knowledge, still choose communism. Can you say that they are really higher-end than those who think the Cultural Revolution is meaningful?
Do not. People are all the same, people need belonging, even if these belongings stink, even if these belongings are ugly, from jealousy and oppression, why should we face the loess and turn our backs to the sky? What are the benefits? We are the ones who contribute more to the country. Where would you go to fill your stomach without me? Overthrow capitalism, overthrow hedonism, individualism, burn down capitalist class corruption novels, and break down the four olds, because we people, facing the loess and turning our backs to the sky, or playing cotton in factories and smelting steel, how much have we sacrificed. Why do you have such a good life.
How can you dress so good-looking, I have never been so good-looking in my life, you take a shower once a day, your hair is so black, so soft, your waist is so soft, all men look at you, okay, I think you don't eat the world The way you look, let me see if you can eat human fireworks, I don't believe you don't shit.
In one of the Red Guards' self-reports, she wrote that when they beat people to death, she really felt that she was doing something bad. She was 17 years old at the time, but the thought of self-blame flashed by, and she turned around and smashed another person's courtyard.
I tell you, human beings are just like flowers and plants, it is accidental and meaningless, we have no value, and this world has no value. I do not create value for this society, because it is not necessary.
If I was born poor, I would be a poor man with peace of mind and experience all the misfortunes and sorrows of the poor; if I was born rich, I would be at ease to be a rich man and experience all the profligacy and emptiness of the rich. If I was born into this world and not of it, I would accept my fate and experience what I should experience with peace of mind. I am a flower, a grass, rooted and grown where it can take root, and then enjoy the sun, rain, storm, everything, the stop of pedestrians, the gaze of painters, the lens of photographers, the hands of children. Then die peacefully, don't remember me on purpose.
Actually it's not that simple. The reason why people are people is everything.
In East Asian culture, especially in Chinese culture, Confucius and all the philosophers are teaching us the importance of family. So Chinese people are not alone, so we are never the perpetrators, but the victims of fascism.
Because the satisfaction of tyranny requires two conditions, one is loneliness and helplessness, and the other is lack of personality, not feeling oppressed.
Loneliness makes people join groups, and lack of individuality makes people feel a sense of belonging.
I take back the sentence that we are not the perpetrators. We have lost all Chinese civilization. The Cultural Revolution is the best example. We, the peaceful, silent and wise Chinese civilization that is not good at war, will be so brutal.
Because we've lost our traditions, we've lost our families, we've lost our education, we've lost all our bondage, all of a sudden. Losing the bond will leave most people scrambling, confused and lonely.
So they armed themselves and brought down all individualism.
I have not overcome loneliness either, I still wrote a month ago, I am willing to have a warm collective. At that time, after I had watched Feng Xiaogang's unrecognizable film Youth, but once when I was in a group, no matter what group I was, I was always the one who resisted, and the one who wanted to escape. Perhaps all collectives require some degree of self-sacrifice.
When can people overcome loneliness, when will they overcome fascism.
May you not be without a branch, and may your peace of mind be the Peach Blossom Land, not fascism.
Just hope, can only pray. I am human too, and I also have human helplessness and vulnerability.
❤️I
would like to dedicate this article to my own, yours and his loneliness.
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