My parents got divorced because of a fight when I was four years old. Although I was only four years old, I clearly remember the scene when they quarreled and smashed things. I talked to my father, and I almost lost contact with my mother. When I grew up, I realized that my mother had an affair. In the middle, because my father was busy with business, I was taken by my grandparents for a while. The family is also close to the second and third fathers, and they are also very good to me. However, everyone has a bad temper, plus the shadow of childhood, so I am very sensitive to glass heart. Later, when I was in fifth grade, my father remarried, and I came to a new reorganized family. Looking back from the current point of view, my stepmother is generally okay with me, and she has cooked a lot of meals for me, but sometimes speaking can make people uncomfortable and feel strange. She brought an older brother two years older than me. In the sixth grade, I had to pay dozens of dollars in class the next day. My father was away on a business trip, so I had to bite the bullet and borrow money from my stepmother. Perhaps because she had just quarreled with her father, she said she had no money. I had to borrow it from my classmates the next day, and then go to my grandparents' house on weekends to get the money and pay it back.
After entering junior high school, my father and stepmother began to quarrel frequently at home, and I still did not get a very stable home environment conducive to learning. The day I look forward to the most every week is Friday. In addition to the reasons everyone has to rest on weekends, I can leave this "home" every weekend and spend it at my grandparents' house. When I was in the third year of junior high, my grandma who gave me the most warmth passed away. My grandfather also treated me well, but I know that he bullied grandma when he was young. There's nothing left for me to miss in this city. When I was in the third year of junior high school, I heard that students with exceptional academic performance had the opportunity to go to high school in the provincial capital, and I made up my mind to leave here. Like Antoine, I worked hard to escape this environment, studied hard (but I was always at the top of the list for the first two years), and finally got into the high school in the provincial capital. I succeeded. Those three years in high school were the happiest three years of my life, and I made some good friends who are still in touch.
But now, many years later, I am in a new predicament. I am slow to escape from the environment where I am not present. Because gap and COVID have been at home for a long time, now the family is much more harmonious, and there are occasional quarrels. I successfully applied for a postgraduate study in the United States, but due to visa issues, I can only take online classes in China temporarily, and may continue to stay at home. I wanted to start school and go out for an internship, but I was worried about not being able to balance my studies and internship, and whether there was a place for me. Also, what should I do if I can't get a visa? It is obviously unreliable to take online courses until graduation, and I also hope to have the opportunity to work abroad. I don't want to do anything, but I don't want to do anything. I don't know when such a suffocating state will end. I don't know where to flee, maybe more confused than Antoine.
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