—Christine at 35 Original on 2019/11/05
Before the final exam of the first grade, I got up and read Rebecca many nights after my parents slept. The frightened fawn-like new Mrs. Derwent described her nightmare rival, the late Mrs. Derwent, Rebecca: "She was 36, wearing a black satin dress and a pearl necklace." That year, my mother accompanied me to watch the movie "Butterfly Dream", a remake of the novel. Rebecca only used partial close-ups to appear in the film: seductive eyes, provocative red lips, and aggressive demands. Probably such an independent, rebellious, and charming mature female symbol has become the psychological salvation for girls trapped in exam-oriented education. Like me, the docile and well-behaved female classmate who read this novel and deeds named herself "Rebecca" in English, such as Like the signature described in the novel, the capital R is stretched into a wild rose in full bloom.
35 years old in a blink of an eye. From a young girl to now, I have felt more and more Rebecca's powerful and original power. Her life is based on "charming"; but she has gradually understood the inevitability of her death. The natural and original power has not been supplemented and nourished by spiritual energy for a long time. , Rebecca is destined to shine, destined to be evil, destined to be lonely, destined to be short. At the age of 35, what I felt in the first half of my life and what I wanted in the second half of my life: obsessed with Rebecca-style charm, and eager for the infusion of spiritual power.
obsessed with charming, obsessed with pleasing oneself
Rebecca's maid, Mrs. Danforth, recalled that Rebecca, who was a young girl, was beautiful and dexterous in equestrian training, but there was confusion in her eyes. Mrs. Danforth said to her, "Miss, don't worry about waiting, you will definitely turn out beautiful." Rebecca laugh happily. Strong self-confidence and the resulting arrogance and charm are the cornerstones of her hanging. Children of this generation in China have been taught since childhood to deliberately ignore image beauty and wholeheartedly pursue spiritual beauty. Looking back, deliberately ignoring image beauty education should be severely criticized. For whatever purpose, deliberately ignoring image beauty education, and even creating an atmosphere of scorn for image beauty seekers, let children use a distorted perspective to be defenseless. Entering the adult aesthetic ecology is a major mistake in this generation of education. In such a large atmosphere, all the aesthetic education that the family invested in was not awakened in me until adulthood. However, the bias between family aesthetic education and mainstream aesthetics leads to the fact that even if the aesthetic consciousness is finally awakened, it suddenly finds itself out of tune. When I was a teenager, my mother used a lot of Western movies and literature to enlighten my aesthetic consciousness. In my impression, besides "Butterfly Dream", the movies that my mother took me to watch every weekend included "Golden Pond" and "Soul Broken Blue" Bridge, A Streetcar Named Desire, Cassandra Bridge, and more. All of these movies are classic mature Western beauties as the main heroine. Therefore, when girls of the same age are chasing stars Xu Huaiyu and size S, the definition of beautiful women in my mind is Vivien Leigh and maybe Sophia Loren. In the first year of the first year of junior high school, whenever female classmates gathered in the audio store to listen to girl star CDs after school, I rode to the bookstore to read Vivien Leigh's autobiography, and the more I read, the more fascinated I became. After that, my weekends were filled with more classic Hollywood movies, and I finished reading Notre Dame, Les Miserables, and Les Miserables in the order of French-English-American-English-French-Russian in the winter and summer vacations of middle school. The Laughing Man, Jane Eyre, A Butterfly Dream, Little Women, Uncle Tom's Cabin, Gone with the Wind, Sister Carrie, Wuthering Heights, Sense and Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice, The Count of Monte Cristo, How Steel Was Made, Anna Karenina, War and Peace, it looks like a bunch of titles are cool, but it's even more fun to read . Because of my interest, I read "Little Women" five times before and after. I sat on the computer chair and read "Uncle Tom's Cabin", crying so much that the chair cushion was soaked with tears. Until high school, in order to prepare for the college entrance examination and hand in a free essay every week, the teacher gave me the advice that I have widely cited Western literature, but I have not seen any implantation of Chinese literature. So in my first year of high school, I followed the enthusiasm of Qian Zhongshu and finished reading "Besieged City", but a "Dream of Red Mansions" made my summer vacation miserable, and the progress of reading was lagging behind. Can't resonate, and once you put down the red building and reread "Little Women", it is completely different. Since then, I have never forced myself to complete the reading of the four famous novels.
The definition of beauty "white, melon-seeded face, apricot eyes, cherry mouth, half-covered face with a pipa, shy" has never entered my aesthetic world. Instead, I was naturally attracted by Vivien Leigh's "Cheshire cat-like charming charm" , The head-to-body ratio of European and American models, deep contours, and very individual symbols such as "big teeth, morbid beauty" are ignited. Zhang Ziyi, Lin Zhiling, Gao Yuanyuan, etc. can be described as goddess-level Oriental beauty, but in reality, if many girls are unable to pursue Oriental goddess beauty, they will according to their own conditions, such as round face, round eyes, round nose, etc., plus pout and wink in front of the camera Create a "cute" beauty; but the oriental female stars that attract me are Shu Qi and Gong Li. Shu Qi and Gong Li both have some "disadvantages" that cannot be ignored from the perspective of strict oriental aesthetics, but this charming "untidy" is the essence of aesthetics in my heart, such as Angelina Jolie, her face is definitely not neat, But it is very personal, and there is always a surprise when you look at it again and again. As I get older, I find that my aesthetics of character are also in the same line, with advantages and disadvantages, and a less neat personality is the soul of flesh and blood in my eyes. Perhaps among many metrics, the only thing I expect neat is the overall proportion of a person. A small head + a body with a certain width and length is the basis for shaping the overall temperament, and it is the dominant gene that speaks. Because the aesthetics is out of tune with the surrounding, for a long time I don't know how to advocate my own aesthetics, let alone show the charm of my ability. It is written in a psychology textbook that "the love for students of the opposite sex in youth often becomes the secret of many people's lives." This sentence made my thoughts pause for a long time. A crush in my boyhood ran through middle school and high school, and it lasted until my junior year because I was admitted to a university on and off. In this long 8 years of secret love, he actually insisted on getting the attention of his secret crush by getting good grades in the test, getting a high ranking in the competition, and taking an important position in the club. Fortunately, he was good enough, and attracting his attention became the driving force for my academic progress. But now I would ask, why not be charming? Since beauty and charm are the same advantages as cleverness, and since aesthetics can be diversified, if someone thinks I am charming today, I will be grateful to you that I have this quality in your eyes, and strengthen it to become a helper to achieve your goals. For potential admirers, no longer be ashamed, but be good at showing beauty, let quality play a role.
Acceptance of one's own aesthetic concepts and daring to stand for it have become a new source of pleasure. The bangs that were grown in the youth were carefully trimmed into oblique bangs in order to modify the facial features that were not smooth enough in traditional aesthetics: the short face length and the skinny facial structure were carefully trimmed into oblique bangs to increase the visual face Part length and smooth the connection of facial bones and fat. God knows these slanted bangs have been kept for 15 years at once, and they are trimmed regularly every month to ensure that the shape of the bangs achieves the purpose of contouring. When you were in your 20s, an ex once joked about how old you plan to keep your bangs. Have you ever imagined yourself without bangs? This question panicked me. "The Legend of Zhen Huan" accompanied the growth of Zhen Huan, An Lingrong, and Huan Bi, and they all changed from straight bangs to side bangs or no bangs. As for me a year ago, on the one hand, I was worried that as I got older, one day I would need to accept no bangs, and on the other hand, I was worried about what would happen without bangs. And this year's acceptance of my own aesthetics has allowed me to go through the embarrassing stage of bangs covering my eyes, bangs touching the tip of my nose, and bangs lining my chin, until the forehead hair grows long enough to be tied up, from loose long hair to only forehead hair , to the ponytail, to the updo, every hairstyle that shows the full face is generously tried. The age-reducing effect of bangs on the temperament and the weakening of the aura have limited my choice of clothing. After accepting the full face without bangs, I put on a long skirt and high-heeled shoes, and a tall, cold and light mature woman with almost eight heads appeared in the mirror. The senior translators compared Rebecca to a butterfly. I yearn for my 35-year-old to be as charming as a butterfly, and this image that matches my inner world makes me happy. This is what I want to see, a 35-year-old self.
My soul mate, your presence will make you and me whole
At the age of 16, I heard Rachel say "the beauty of life is that it is full of uncertainty", and for a long time I thought it was a rare, non-truth, nonsense in "Friends". This year, I participated in the Fan Deng reading club with my friends, and listened to the teachers from Fudan sharing "What got you here may not get you there", which triggered a reflection at the right time. Looking back on the past, a me who likes to make plans and pursues meticulousness in everything has led me to where I am now, and may be a good individual contributor. However, if you need to continue to develop, you need to think about the overall situation, you need expressiveness to win resources, you need influence to gather your peers to achieve goals, and you need to control your emotions to output positive energy under pressure. The advantages of some nature that have brought me here will not be enough to lead me far. Compared to the strides of 28-33 years old, the experience of 33-35 years old has made me realize that my limitations will make me quickly reach my ceiling. Rebecca's life is as gorgeous as a dream, but also as illusory as a dream. Because she was overly immersed in her beauty and talent, she always lacked positive spiritual support, and her fiery desire eventually became the driving force of her destruction. What I don't know is that many lessons in the past two years have come to me again and again. At many very lost nodes, fortunately, a very sincere partner helped me and encouraged me to write down what I wanted to be in order to drive me out of the slump and slow down. Slowly pay attention to my emotional changes and gently input positive energy into me, and set a living example by conquer their own weakness...and my dearest mother, who has witnessed me being lost with sleeping pills and coffee to maintain consciousness, and when I withdraw the drug When I was on the phone every morning, listening to me talking about the pain of sleepless nights on the phone every morning, and then strongly encouraging me to stick with it for another day, another week, until I was sure I was off the drug control. What I remember from this experience is that the alarm bells for drug dependence in this life are ringing, and it is also the infinite gratitude and attachment to family and friendship. Throughout "Butterfly Dream", Rebecca's powerful self-personality seems to have made her uninfected by the brilliance of human nature in her life. Isn't it the biggest regret that she walks back once in her life.
Compared to my rejection of uncertainty when I was 16, I, who have experienced ups and downs, appreciate uncertainty more and more. The uncertainty of life has given me the opportunity to get here, and it will also give me the opportunity to go further. It’s just that going further requires me to challenge more of the opposite of my nature. I need a sympathetic partner to accompany me through the process of integrating myself, and my tenacity will definitely become the support for my partner to achieve success. No matter how many roads a person has gone through, when he is fragile, he will inevitably suspect that the past is illusory and dreamlike. There are spiritual partners who support each other. The road is solid and the heart is at ease. In this life, I have reached a stage of maturity enough to accept my incomplete self and supplement my partner who also needs to integrate energy.
Remembering my 35-year-old, like a butterfly, not as good as a dream.
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