Before, I never understood why the victim who was beaten into a pig's head didn't run away?
Change to another city, hide at home, call the police, expose scumbags, seek social protection, tell neighbors and friends that if they want to ask for help, there seem to be many opportunities, but they don't. What are they silently enduring and waiting for? It was rescued from serious injuries or even death, and when I had to leave, it seemed like the end of the episode.
but why? This is my first time thinking about this question.
1. Mouse droppings in seafood porridge
The occurrence of domestic violence is very secret. Except for the close people, everyone sees a warm appearance. The old husband and wife are still enthusiastic, good father and good husband. Typical Bai Fumei, the two are a good match, and everyone is envious.
It's not even that perfect, but there are always a lot of advantages, and it's a good Mr./Mrs. that others will envy.
Even the nanny blushed with envy. You said that you couldn't answer the phone for the time being, and your best friend knew that you and your husband were tired and crooked together. All appearances made it impossible to doubt this relationship.
Even he himself fell into it.
A pot of precious and sweet seafood porridge, should I give up because of a small mouse poop?
Anyway, no one knows, pick this mouse poop away, it is still delicious and attractive.
2. Denial
I was most impressed by the dialogue with the psychiatrist. From the beginning to the last episode, the victim was full of denial and rejection.
She was sitting in the consultation room, but she didn't seem to know why she came or why she wanted to come.
The first time was when the couple sought help together, but since then, he has never been involved and has always had an excuse to avoid treatment.
Even if the counselor guides you step by step, the victim is very repulsive and confused about the words being beaten and abused. Thinking of the sweetness and mutual support, we are obviously loving partners, how can it be an abuse and a victim?
I remember reading a book before, which said that because the victim wanted to protect himself, he would constantly recall the good side of this relationship in his mind, and gradually form a "complicity" with the abuser. After forming a "complicity", all behaviors The boundary seems to be blurred. He is not simply a victim, but he also has a bad side. It may be the result of the violence caused by the abuse of words or the dissatisfaction caused by the resistance of the behavior.
Without complicity, the relationship will turn into a painful self-blame and unsustainable, but persuade yourself that everyone is bad, and each hits 50 big boards, so you have a reason to stay in the relationship.
When a third party tries to break the conspiracy, it will cause the victim's doubts and resistance.
The three-line rejection here specially took a long picture. The heroine very solemnly stated that she is not a victim, and they still have feelings.
But in the consultation, she always inadvertently revealed her loneliness.
During the consultation, the victim has been embarrassed to deny the violence, until the doctor tried to define the relationship as domestic violence, the first time the heroine wanted to escape.
And prompting the victim to sit down is when the doctor mentions the child, and the child is one of the reasons why many victims cannot easily escape.
Children don't know anything, they think they are in a happy family, how can they bear to easily destroy this illusion because of their injuries?
Once a conspiracy is formed, it is very difficult to break it up. Even the parties, some girls with high education, it is difficult to think about this relationship with a sober reason, but try to prove to others that this relationship has been sweet and supportive. .
Even as rehearsed many times, it is easy to say a lot of reasons to stay.
This is also a place where domestic violence is hidden and difficult to rescue, because the victim and the perpetrator will work together to bury the fact of violence, using the so-called "love, family, shame, sex" and so on.
3. Acknowledgment
Constant denial is never the first step to change.
Only by asking and questioning again and again, constantly trying to find out the answer and acknowledging the fact that the violence happened, can things turn around.
When the counselor asked for the first time: Have you ever thought that you might be beaten to death?
The answer here is very intriguing, because violence is mixed with sex, confession, sweetness and understanding after the fact, and it seems that it cannot be answered with "yes or no".
Even xing cannot be simply defined because it is tightly wrapped by the violence before and the sweetness afterward.
Until I candidly with the counselor, behind each abuse is the honeymoon period to repair the relationship, after the tornado-like violence, there are various compensations and sweetness, he will send himself expensive gifts, beautiful and gentle sex, earnest help and promises .....
I have collected a box of jewelry, and I don't know if it was a gift from the bruise for the first time.
The psychiatrist guides him again and again before he mentions the power game of the relationship, which is also one of the reasons why the victim becomes a complicit, because the power is not always in the hands of the perpetrator. , which will allow the victim to have occasional inversions of power.
As long as one day does not come out, the change of power will go back and forth between injury and recovery.
Acknowledging that I was involved, too, was an important turning point.
Don't stop here, go further, ask yourself why you don't tell others, why don't you ask for help, only by touching your own heart can you break the predicament.
Afraid of the eyes of others, not only how they view this matter, but more importantly, will anyone believe me?
I have been defending this relationship all the time, and now I shout that he is a devil, who will listen? Things happen in the most private family space, how to speak? Will the children and parents suffer if I even think about my escape? But all this is unknown, and all that is known is that if this continues, one day he will die under his fists and sweet words.
Acknowledging violence is the beginning of change.
Acknowledging that from the moment he punched, his feelings have changed, and he is no longer the one who protects you, but the one who hurts you;
Acknowledging that no matter how the illusion is created, the child will still know it, detect a trace of strangeness, and even learn and imitate to hurt the people around him;
Acknowledging that he's said countless changes just for the next stormy rage, without actually acting on it;
Acknowledging that you are long overdue to leave, whether for the sake of your children, for your parents, or for your life;
4. Change
After realizing and acknowledging the fact of domestic violence and its devastating effects, you need to build up your strength and leave a way out.
The psychiatrist gave three clear paths, one of which is to build a nest ;
It's very important to have another place where you can escape harm, if you feel like you're alone, there's not even a place to escape, but a dead end.
This place can be in the same city or in a different place, it can be a friend’s residence, or it can be a community anti-domestic violence center, women’s protection center, etc., pay attention to these places first, and ask for help as much as possible;
Save some money for yourself, ask relatives, friends, colleagues and neighbors to borrow it, or apply for credit card cash withdrawal with your ID card, and try your best to build another nest. If his arms are no longer safe, he must find another safe haven.
The second is a witness , talk to your best friends and friends, show them your scars, and find a way together. Like JANE in the play, she also has the support and courage to take the first step of change after talking to Maddie.
Even if your best friend can't help, when you finally tear up your face and want to file a lawsuit or call the police, you will become a third person's testimony, proving that what happened to you is not a dream.
The third is to record the process of domestic violence , take photos and upload to the media, call the police, and ask relatives and friends for help in the community.
At this time, get rid of the firm mentality of the scumbag, recognize the fact that the other party cannot give you and your children a happy home, and prepare the safe nest to escape, both personal and physical evidence.
Ask yourself again, do you want to leave him?
This is not the time to laugh it off, but to take action.
5. The initial signal
Going back to the beginning of the incident, it is also a handsome and gentle gentleman. What are the danger signs?
In the book PUA Talk and "The Evil Lover with Poisonous Personality", I found that many poisonous lovers have very sweet mouths, and they are very good at complimenting people. Usually WB brushes 100 kinds of straight men's chats, they will never say, They are keenly aware of the traits that can be praised, and praise you to heaven.
1) He may be very good at praising people, holding you up, and pampering you like a princess
2) He will also shift his focus and accuse you. Obviously he changed his plan suddenly, but it is often your fault; as long as he grabs your little braid, he will be nagging for a long time; it may be one of your old lovers, maybe If you are too close to a certain boy, or even if you don't put your shoes on according to his rules after you go home, it will be the reason for him to repeatedly accuse you;
Even when you accuse him of using violence, he will accuse you of hitting him, saying that you violated your oath, etc. If you don't have psychological construction, you will easily be taken into the pit, thinking that you have used violence and you are not qualified to accuse him. , without realizing that it is a self-defense counterattack;
3) He doesn't like you making friends, you don't like your work, and he doesn't even like your love. It's better that you just stay at home, just like a kitten in captivity, only exists for him, and these will all be Put on the beautiful banners such as "exclusive desire" and "love you too much";
4) For his own faults, he is very good at "minimizing big things". Even if he pushes you vigorously, he is just "grabbing hard". Note that it is pretty hard, not too much hard.
It is obviously to slam your body against the wall with great force, but it is described as "grabbing her arm";
5) His reasons are always the most abundant; because he is worried about the child, he is strong, because you are too good to make him feel insecure, because he cares too much about you, he wants to keep you at home, and because you make him angry, he is angry. ... He always has a reason, the more he is given a chance, the more he will have the illusion that he will act when he is not good at the end;
6) His repentance is always the most sincere; he is keenly aware of the edge of your collapse, and when you want to escape, he said that if you give it another chance, you will definitely change it next time;
I have repented with you countless times, agreed to change it next time, and even sometimes took some actions, such as going to see a psychiatrist for help together, but soon you will find that this kind of disguise will not last long, and only the waving of your fists can really make you feel better. he is satisfied;
Escaping domestic violence is not as simple as a frivolous "why not go".
It needs the support of the society, the protection of relatives and friends, the courage of the victims, and the justice of the law, but before these, it is very important to identify scumbags and have a sound emotional outlook. Loss, whether you are fleeing or fighting, you have a strong inner backing to protect yourself.
come on!
View more about Big Little Lies reviews
