While showering, I thought about the bed scene just now, which was wonderful and cruel.
The night was already very deep.
No rest yet, just sleeplessness, not fear.
The so-called fear should be to magnify the ugliest thing in human nature itself, just like some people are afraid of the person in the mirror, it is not because of the image in the mirror, but because of the fear of the other self hidden deep in the heart. .
Everyone has a vulnerable side in their hearts. It's just that we are very careful to take care of, for fear that if something goes wrong, we will lose ourselves. When someone tries to get close to them and spy on them, we will hide it subconsciously. If we are lucky enough to escape, we will be relieved; if we are unfortunately discovered, the result will be unimaginable and fearful. , Anxiety came, we began to evade responsibility, escape from the eyes of the world, escape from the city of life... Then we began to not believe in life, do not believe in anything, and began to look at all kinds of things with a suspicious attitude.
I have always been very timid, and I am afraid of many things, especially the kind of fear that goes deep into the bone marrow and has the potential to develop into a neurosis. Some people are afraid of loneliness; some people are afraid of darkness... It's just an appearance, in fact, the real horror is the sudden disappearance or absorption that should have been extended.
Nicole is a woman who has lost her husband and is suffering from hallucinations, and I think this fear may be eliminated. I seem to be born with a fear of "limits" for no reason, and that probably doesn't help. When I was very young, I had nightmares, nothing but an infinitely expanding space (or a plane? I can't figure it out). I instinctively hope that it will shrink, and then it really starts shrinking, but it shrinks infinitely, it seems to be a point, and it continues without end. The fear did not disappear, but intensified. I felt that I was going to be swallowed by that limit, and I didn't know how to escape. Of course, the result was that my mother woke me up, but I don't know why I felt that powerlessness that my mother couldn't protect me. When I was a child, I often felt chest tightness about how big the universe is. Of course, I know that the universe has no boundaries, but this explanation can't be emotional at all.
Sometimes I forget that I have this kind of fear, maybe I am a person who is easy to escape. I don’t dare to investigate the root cause of many things. On the one hand, I feel that it is extreme to enter something completely, and I will lose the ability to think calmly. I don’t like being a philosopher or a lunatic. I am even more reluctant to give up the right to be a normal person, such as the existence of a genius idiot, living only in the world of genius, and not knowing other pleasures, such as eminent monks who can see through everything, but I was born in the mundane world. I would rather experience the troubles and joys of this by myself. People only have this lifetime, how dare they not cherish them.
Suddenly I remembered the mathematics I was good at in middle school. When I learned the limit, I was in a mess, and I had a headache when I saw infinity. Maybe this has nothing to do with the theme, but I will find such an excuse to excuse myself. The high number in college was my dead end. It was a subject completely filled with limits and infinity. It's scary to think about it~
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