translated by Shen Yubing
[Bergerman's explanation] I didn't write the screenplay in the usual sense. What I wrote seems to be more like the melody line of a piece of music. I hope that with the help of my colleagues, it can gradually develop into an orchestral piece during the production process. In many respects, I am not sure, in some respects I don’t know. I found that the theme I chose was very ambitious, and what I wrote or included in the final video (annoying idea) was destined to be completely arbitrary. Therefore, I urge readers or viewers to use their imagination and freely process the materials I have written.
1
I imagined the transparent ribbon of the film beam from the projectionist. The mark and the screen were all cleaned up, leaving only the trembling reflected light from the screen. From the speakers, we can only hear the sound of the amplifier, and the slight sound of the dust raised is continuously transmitted through the recording and reproducing device.
The light establishes itself and gradually deepens. Short fragments of incoherent sounds and words, like sparks, began to fall from the ceiling and walls.
From this pure whiteness appeared the outline of a cloud, no—it was a pool of water, no—it must be a cloud, no—it was a leafy tree, no—it was a moonscape.
The noise spiraled upward, and all the words (incoherent, distant) began to emerge like deep-water fish.
It's not a cloud, not a mountain, or a small tree covered by Tingting, but a face whose eyes are fixed on the audience. This is Miss Irma's face.
——Have you seen Mrs. Vogler, Miss Irma? Not yet? Maybe it's a good thing. let's go together. Then I can introduce you. Let me briefly talk about Mrs. Vogler's situation and why you were hired to take care of her. The thing is simple-Mrs. Vogler is an actress (you know that), and she was still in "Electra" the last time. In the second act, she suddenly stopped talking, just staring around blankly, as if looking for something in surprise. She could not accept reminders from the prompter, nor could she accept hints from other actors. She just kept silent for a minute. Then she continued on, as if nothing had happened. After the performance, she apologized to the other actors and explained the reason for her silence, just because: "I suddenly wanted to laugh out loud."
-She removed her makeup and went home. She and her husband had a hasty dinner in the kitchen. They chatted for a while, and Mrs. Vogler also mentioned something that had happened during the performance, but she just took it in a hurry, and she was a little uneasy.
——The man and his wife say goodnight to each other and rest each other. The next morning, people called from the theater to ask if Mrs. Vogler had forgotten that there was a rehearsal. The butler walked up to Mrs. Vogler and found that she was still lying on the bed. She woke up, but did not answer the butler's question, and did not move.
——This state has been going on for three months. Various tests were conducted on her. The conclusion couldn't be clearer. As far as we can see, Mrs. Vogler is completely healthy, mentally and physically healthy. There was even no sign of a hysterical reaction. In the process of her becoming an artist and an adult, Mrs. Vogler has always been happy and healthy. What do you want to ask? In that case, we can go see Mrs. Vogler.
2
——Good morning, Mrs. Vogler. I’m Irma, hired to take care of you for a while.
Mrs. Vogler looked at her with concern.
——If you like, I can tell you some of my situation. I got a nursing certificate two years ago. I am 25 this year and I am engaged. My parents have a farm in the country. My mother was also a nurse before getting married.
Mrs. Vogler listened.
——I will raise your pillow so that you can be more comfortable.
3
——So, miss, what do you think?
——I don’t know, doctor. Hard to say. I kept looking into her eyes. At first you will think her face is so soft, almost childlike, but then you look at her eyes and it's different. I don't know how to say it. She stared at you sternly. For a moment I almost wondered if she hated me talking to her. It's not that she seems impatient. No, but I can’t figure it out. Maybe I have to
...-Say whatever you want, miss.
——For a moment, I thought I should turn down the job.
——Is there anything that scares you?
——No, I don’t want to say that. But I think Mrs. Vogler should have someone older than me, more experienced, and more experienced in life to take care of her. I mean, I may not be able to take her.
——What does this mean, can’t bear it?
--mentally.
--mentally?
——If Mrs. Vogler did not want to move on purpose, I think she must be because she is perfectly healthy......
——Oh?
——Then, she must be determined. I think that no matter who takes care of her, she needs a strong mental power. I just don't know if I have such power.
——Miss Irma, when I needed someone to look after Mrs. Vogler, I talked to your principal for a long time, and she mentioned you all at once. She thinks you are suitable in every respect.
——I will do my best.
4
Miss Irma had given Mrs. Vogler an injection and helped her to adjust the pillow. She removed the bedside lamp, went to the window, and rolled up a little curtain. It's night time, but the sky is shining brightly over the layer of Lin Yuanxiu in late autumn. Just above the cross pane, a crescent moon was hung.
—Mrs. Vogler, I think you might like to lie down and watch the night. I can roll up the curtains a little bit later. Do you want to turn on the radio? Low? I think there will be some drama on the air.
Miss Irma's legs are diligent, walking around the room like a gust of wind, but she feels that Mrs. Vogler has been looking at her. From the radio, we can hear a vague woman's voice.
-Forgive me, forgive me, dear, you must forgive me. I just want your forgiveness. Please forgive me so that I can breathe again-live again.
The actress's recitation was interrupted by Mrs. Vogler's enthusiasm and burst of laughter. She laughed and laughed until tears came to her eyes. Then, she was silent suddenly so that she could continue listening. The woman's voice continued tirelessly.
——Do you know what compassion is, what do you know is the pain of a mother, the pain of a woman dripping blood?
Mrs. Vogler suddenly burst into another burst of cheerful laughter. She raised her arm, grabbed Irma's hand, pulled her to the side of the bed, and then tremblingly touched the radio's volume control button. The woman's voice melted into the supernatural.
——Oh God, God, you surround us somewhere in the dark. Have mercy on me. You, great love.
Miss Irma turned off the radio in horror and the woman's weak voice. She looked at Mrs. Vogler with an awkward smile, her forehead wrinkled from the silent laugh. Mrs. Vogler shook her head slowly and motioned to Miss Irma calmly.
——No, Mrs. Vogler, that kind of thing is not my specialty. I like going to theaters and cinemas, but, unfortunately, I don’t have time to go there often. At night, I am always too tired. although……
——Although I do admire artists, I think art is extremely important in life — especially for those who are in trouble.
Miss Irma was full of embarrassment when she said this last sentence. Mrs. Vogler looked at her with concern.
——Do you want me to turn on the radio again? do not want? There may be music. No music? Good night, then, Mrs. Vogler. sleep tight.
She put down the big, damp, green hand--a heavy, beautiful hand, a hand that seemed older than her younger face. Then, she left the room and we heard the sound of two doors closing gently. We heard what she said in the corridor.
In the end, everything returned to silence.
Elizabeth Vogler leaned her head heavily on the pillow. The injection started to work, and she was drowsy. In the silence, she listened to her breathing, feeling that it was so weird, yet a suitable companion. Tears welled up in her eyes again, then slowly flowed through her temples and into the tousled hair. Her soft mouth was half open.
It's getting darker and darker. The trees gradually disappeared into the dark night. She heard distant, deep voices coming towards her own peaceful breathing. Unknown words, fragments of sentences, some syllables are mixed together, or alternate intermittently.
Her eyes were still full of tears.
5
Irma began to undress and go to bed.
She did some fine work slowly in the small bedroom. Washed socks.
Watered a pot of coniferous plants of indeterminate species. Unscrew the radio. Yawned several times. Sitting on the edge of the bed in a pair of old-fashioned pajamas.
——You can behave properly and do any old-fashioned things with confidence. I will marry Karl Henrik, have a group of children, and I will raise them up, all of this is in my heart, it is destined. I don't need to make everything clear, and I don't need to know how they will be. This makes me feel very safe. And I will do some work that I like. Work is a good thing-just in a different way. I just don't understand what is going on with Mrs. Vogler.
6
one morning a few days later, Miss Alma found her patient was in a clear state of anxiety. An unopened letter lay on the sheet.
——Shall I open the letter, Mrs. Vogler?
Be affirmed.
——Should I read it out?
Reaffirmed.
Miss Irma has long learned to understand and explain Mrs. Vogler's facial expressions, and she rarely guesses wrong. She opened the letter and began to read it in a tone that was as unfeeling as possible. From time to time, she felt a little hesitant, and the handwriting was difficult to distinguish. She couldn't recognize a few words at all.
Letter:
Dearest Elizabeth. Since I was forbidden to see you, I have been writing letters. If you don't want to read my letter, don't read it. In any case, I can't help but want to contact you because I am tortured by such a constant uneasy and eternal question: Did I hurt you in some way? Did it hurt your heart without knowing it? Is there any terrible misunderstanding between us all the time? I asked myself countless questions, but no answers.
As far as I know, we have been very happy recently. Of course we have never been so close to each other. Do you remember what I said: I am only now beginning to understand what marriage really means. You taught me (I can’t understand the word) You taught me (The word is unrecognizable) You taught me (Oh, yes) We have to support each other, like two anxiety full of kindness and the best wishes The child is dominated by forces beyond our control (this word must be dominated).
Do you remember saying this? We were out, walking in the forest together, suddenly you stopped and grabbed my belt.
Miss Elma paused and looked at Mrs. Vogler in frustration. Mrs. Vogler sat on the bed with a stiff expression.
——Do you want to continue?
She shook her head.
——You better lie down, Mrs. Vogler. Do you want me to bring you something?
Same as before.
--do not want? Oh, there is a photo in the letter. A picture of your child. Do you like it? He looks very energetic.
Mrs. Vogler took the picture and stared at it for a long time. Miss Irma was standing by the bed, her hands resting on the edge of the bed. She has put the letter in the pocket of her apron. Mrs. Vogler tore the photos to pieces, looked at the fragments in disgust, and handed them to Miss Irma.
That night, Miss Irma went to a small local theater where an old film starring Elizabeth a few years ago was being staged.
8
On the night Miss Irma went to the cinema, an episode of concern occurred. Mrs. Vogler (like many other patients) has a TV in the room. To many people's surprise, Mrs. Vogler showed a keen interest in various TV shows. The only thing she wanted to avoid was the TV theater.
That night, she was watching a political program. One of the scenes showed a Buddhist monk who set himself on fire in public on the street in order to protest the government's religious policies. Looking around, Mrs. Vogler suddenly yelled loudly and sharply.
The female doctor came to Mrs. Vogler's room and sat on the visitor's chair.
——Elizabeth, it doesn't make much sense for you to stay in the hospital. I think it will only be harmful to you. If you don't want to go home, I suggest you move to my summer villa by the sea with Miss Irma. There is no one around. The village is the best doctor, I assure you.
She sat there, thinking, gesturing in her palms with her nails. Mrs. Vogler was resting on the bed, wearing a dove-grey ankle-length robe. She is cutting the pineapple with a sharp knife. Sweat dripped on her fingers.
——Well, what do you think?
Mrs. Vogler looked at her with an apologetic smile. The doctor's expression was as serious as before.
——You'd better make a decision right away, otherwise you will regret the whole life because you keep thinking about this problem. I have already told Miss Irma about this. She did not appear very enthusiastic, because she has a boyfriend. But when I said he could live in the visitor's cabin when he was free, she compromised. Also, we can also give Miss Irma some benefits. I think she must be saving money for a dowry, or something old-fashioned and unpleasant.
Mrs. Vogler ate a slice of overripe pear. She spread her fingers, looked for a napkin, carefully wiped her palms and lips, and then dried the hilt of the knife.
——Miss Irma is a terrific little person. She will create a wonderful world for you.
The doctor got up from the chair, walked to the bed, and patted Mrs. Vogler's feet.
——It doesn’t matter. Tell me tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. You better leave something to torture yourself, now, everything else is taken away.
Upon hearing this, Mrs. Vogler really seemed to be tortured.
——Now, you look really tortured! The main problem is that you have never touched your wounds carefully.
Mrs. Vogler shook her head.
——You know, we have to tender it. Otherwise, it will only get worse.
Mrs. Vogler closed her eyes as if to shut the doctor out, and then carefully raised her eyes. The doctor is still there.
——I do understand, you know. Desperate dreams of existence. Not behavior, just existence. Pay attention and pay attention to every second. At the same time, there is an abyss between you for others and others for you. The feeling of swirling and constant burning needs to be exposed. In the end, it was seen through, big things turned into small things, and small things turned into small things. The tone of every voice is a lie, an act of perfidy. Every posture is a disguise. Every smile is a grimace. Wife, friend, mother or lover, which one is the worst role? Which one is the most painful? Play an actress with a funny expression? Rely on an iron fist to gather these pieces together and make them adapt to each other? Where did it crash? Where is your failure? Was it the role of mother that caused you to collapse and fail in the end? Obviously it was not your role in "Electra" that made you like this. That just gives you a break. She actually made you hold on for a while longer. She is just an excuse for your "real-life role" for you to play a more unsatisfactory role. But when "Electra" is over, there is nothing left for you to continue to cover up, and there is nothing left for you to continue. There are no excuses. Therefore, with your request for the truth, with your disgust, you were left there alone. suicide? No-it's too dirty, you won't commit suicide. But you can stop moving. You can remain silent. So you at least stop lying. You can cause yourself to be hit hard and close yourself up. So you no longer need to play a role, put on a mask, and make a false posture. That's how you think. However, reality teases you. The place where you hide is not waterproof enough. Life began to leak in all aspects. And you are forced to react. No one has asked if it is true or false, whether you are true or not. Only in the theater is that an important issue. Even in the theater, people did not ask this question. Elizabeth, I understand that you stay silent and stop moving. You have to introduce this loss of will into an incredible system. I understand this and admire you for it. I think you will continue to play this role until one day you lose interest in it. When you play to the end, you will abandon it, just like you abandon other characters.
10
Ruthlessly, the click of the film ribbon came from the projectionist. It spreads at an alarming rate of 24 frames per second. Shadows flowed across the white walls. This is magic, of course. But it was unusually sober and ruthless. Nothing can be changed, so don't do it. It just rolls forward like Chunlei, always carrying the same cold and unchanging will. Put a piece of red glass in front of the camera, and the shadow will be red-however, it will not help. Turn the video upside down or upside down, and the result will not be any different.
There is only one huge difference. Turn off the button, eliminate the arc of the hissing call, rewind the film, put it in the box, and forget it.
At
the end of the summer of 11 that year, Mrs. Vogler and Miss Irma moved to the doctor's summer villa. It is located in a very remote place, with a long coastline to the north and steep cliff bays to the west. Behind the house stretched a heather bush and a big forest.
The beach restored Mrs. Vogler's health. Her indifference in the hospital began to fade after long walks, fishing trips, cooking, writing letters, and other ways of relaxing and relieving boredom. However, from time to time, she would fall into great depression and petrified pain. At this time, she became no longer moving, groggy, and repelled.
Miss Irma is enjoying the isolated country life, taking care of her patients with all her heart. Regarding the patient, she was meticulous, and she wrote to the doctor to report the situation in every detail.
12
an episode
they sat in a huge white garden table.
Miss Irma is cleaning a kind of edible fungus, and Mrs. Vogler has a fungus chart in front of her, trying to find out the different types. They sat together in the sunshine and breeze. It is afternoon. The sea surface was silver, sparkling.
Mrs. Vogler grabbed Irma's wrist and began to scrutinize her palms, putting hers aside and comparing them with each other.
Irma laughed and withdrew her hand.
——Comparing the palm of your hand will bring misfortune, don’t you know?
13
Another episode of
a calm, sunny summer day. They drove a motorboat out to sea, then turned off the engine and started sunbathing. They both had a book in their hands. Irma broke the silence and attracted Mrs. Vogler's gaze:-Do
you want me to read something from the book? Will I bother you? The book says: "All the anxiety we endure, the disappointing dreams, the cruelty of unforgiveness, our fear of perishing thoughts, our painful insights into the living conditions on earth, have gradually crystallized. Our hope of salvation in heaven. The great cry of our faith, and the resistance to darkness and silence, are the most disturbing evidence of our abandonment, and the disturbing, unexplained knowledge."
14
It is early morning. The rain kept hitting the windowsill. Thick clouds piled up, and the sea roared among the rugged reefs of the bay.
Two women are sitting at the table in front of the window with manicure.
-People should do something for themselves. I don't think that if I change, I will become abnormal. But there are many things in me that I don't like.
She glanced at Elizabeth, who was busy fixing her ring finger.
——Of course, I really like my job. Even when I was young, I didn't think about other jobs. Really, I like working in the surgery classroom. That's really interesting. I started taking this course this spring.
She interrupted herself. This is not fun at all. But she noticed that Elizabeth Vogler was looking at her with concern. She was a little uneasy at first, but she gained the courage to go on.
——Do something for yourself. My worst habit is being too lazy. This makes me feel uneasy, I am so lazy. Karl Henrik always criticizes me, saying that I am not enterprising at all. He said I lived like a sleepwalker. However, I don't think this is fair. I have the best grades in my class. However, I think he was referring to something else.
She smiled and leaned over the table to get the coffee pot. Pour coffee for Mrs. Vogler and himself.
——Do you know my inner wish? There is a home for elderly nurses in the hospital where I train. Those who have been nurses all their lives live there. They always wear uniforms. They live in small rooms, and they live and die near the hospital. Can you imagine that people's beliefs can make them dedicated their lives to it?
She took a sip of strong coffee.
Mrs. Vogler leaned forward slightly, resting her elbows on the table. She stared at Irma's face intently. For Irma, this is both interesting and disturbing.
-What to believe. Do something and think about your life is meaningful. I am what I like to do. Hold on to something tightly, no matter what happens. I think people must do this. It also means something to others. Don't you think so?
——I know this sounds naive. But I believe this. If you don't... you have to know. Especially when you have no religious beliefs.
She changed her tone, adjusted her bangs, then leaned back in the chair and looked out the window. It's just a rough idea: I don't care what the actress is thinking about sitting there. Of course, she doesn't think about problems like me.
——Oh my God, what a heavy rain.
Later this day. The storm is a bit smaller. The two women have eaten lunch and are sitting on tall stools fixed to the bar on both sides of the wall.
--he is already married. We had a private relationship for five years. Then he got tired. But I got stuck very deep. I really love him. He is also my first lover. I remember it clearly, like an unforgettable pain. Long-term pain, then short-term...
She didn't know what words to use. She was smoking nervously, a little uncomfortable.
——Since you taught me how to smoke, you remind me of it. He is always smoking. Think about it later, it's really boring. You know, it's like a novel, it's just real.
She looked at Elizabeth hesitantly. She is smoking peacefully. Wait for her to continue.
——After all, this is not entirely true. I don't know how to explain it. At least, I am not very true to him. But my experience is completely real. real. However, I think this is all unclear. That's how it is. This is true even if we have said to each other.
That afternoon. The thick, gloomy, damp silence, only the occasional sound of broken branches. Somewhere a window was open, and the smell of the sea water was full of salty, cold swoosh, and the smell of the wet wood soaked in the sea water and the juniper boat washed by the rain. They set up a fire in the fireplace in the bedroom and huddled up on Elizabeth's bed with a blanket on their legs. Each of them had a glass of sherry within reach. Irma has drunk a lot. Elizabeth Vogler still looked very concerned. She listened to every word and paid attention to every movement. Irma became less and less self-aware, less and more inattentive, and more and more fascinated by someone (for the first time in her life) that she would be so interested in herself.
——Many people have said that I am a good listener. That's ridiculous, right? I mean, no one wants to listen to me all the time. I mean, as you are doing now, you are listening to me. You look very kind. I think you are the first person to listen to my conversation. That can't be particularly interesting, right? But you sat upright and listened to me. You could have read this book. Gosh, where did I go? I hope it doesn’t bore you, right? It's great to be able to speak.
Elizabeth Vogler shook her head and smiled softly, her cheeks flushed slightly.
——No, everything feels so warm and cozy now, I feel this, and I have never felt this way in my life.
She paused and laughed. Elizabeth laughed with her and touched her face gently like a big sister. Irma drank the glass in one go.
——I have always wanted a sister, but what I have is a large group of brothers, a total of seven. It's ridiculous, isn't it? I am the youngest one. Since I first remembered, I have always been surrounded by big and small brothers. However, this has always been fun. I like boys.
Her expression began to become a little weird, and suddenly there was an urge to tell. A secret and magical experience.
——Of course, with your own experience, you know all that. You are an actress, and you have experienced so many. Of course you know it, don't you?
Elizabeth Vogler looked at her in horror.
——I like Karl Henrik very much——Well, maybe you only loved it once. I am honest with him, of course. Otherwise, in our work, other things may happen..., I dare say. Not that.
She thought about it, poured more sherry for herself and Elizabeth, then sighed against the wall, and then adjusted the bangs on her forehead.
——It was last summer. Karl Henrik went on vacation with me. It was in June and we felt quite lonely. One day he went to town, and it was sultry and hot that day, so I went to the beach. There is also a girl sunbathing there. She lived on a small island nearby and came to our beach in a canoe by herself, because this beach faces south and is much more secluded.
Elizabeth looked at her and nodded. Irma realized this fact quickly, almost with a smile of shame. She put the wine glass back on the bedside table. She touched her bare forehead again.
——We lie there almost naked and sunbathe, fall asleep for a while, wake up, and touch some sunscreen. Both of us have a big straw hat covering our faces, you know, the kind that is big and cheap. Mine also has a blue ribbon. Sometimes I peeked at the scenery, the sea and the sun through the straw hat. That's just too interesting. Then, I saw two figures jumping on the rock far above us. They hid from time to time, peeping at us from behind the rocks. "A group of boys are peeking at us," I said to the girl. Her name is Catalina. "Let them see," she said, turning over and lying on her back. It is such a strange feeling. I always thought of putting on my bathrobe, but I just lay high on my belly and buttocks, without feeling embarrassed at all. It was surprisingly calm.
Catalina has been lying beside me, showing her small breasts, thick thighs, and thick black hair. She lay motionless, only laughing occasionally. I saw the boys approaching. Now they are not afraid at all. They stood there looking at us, and didn't even want to hide. They are all very young, about sixteen years old.
Irma lit a cigarette. Her hands were shaking and she could barely breathe. Elizabeth Vogler remained motionless, almost as if to hide. When Irma handed her a cigarette, she just shook her head.
——One of the boys, bolder, walked to Catalina and squatted down. He pretended to be busy with his feet, then sat down and fiddled with his toes. I started to feel sweaty all over, but I was still lying down with my head resting on my hands and my face buried in the straw hat. Then, I heard Catalina say: "Why don't you come closer?" She grabbed the boy's hand, pulled him toward her, and helped him take off his shorts and shirt.
Suddenly he was on top of her, and she was helping him with her arms around his thin, hard buttocks. Another boy sat on the slope and stared blankly. Catalina laughed and said something in the boy's ear. I saw his flushed face. So, I turned around and suddenly said to another boy: "Why don't you come?" Catalina laughed and said, "Leave, now you go to her." He came out from her, hard. The ground fell on me, he grabbed one of my breasts, and I screamed because he hurt me, and I was almost ready, ready immediately, can you believe it? I just wanted to say be careful, don’t let me be pregnant, he came, I can feel this, before or after this, I have never felt this in my life, how did he shoot me . He grabbed my shoulders tightly and pulled them back, it felt like it would never end. It was hot and big, and it came to me time and time again. Catalina lay on her side and looked at us with her arms around him from behind. When he was over, she hooked him with her hands, and her body moved up and down with his hands. When she was about to arrive, she screamed desperately. Then, we laughed together, the three laughed together, and called another boy, that boy was Peter. He slowly walked down the slope, looking dizzy in the sun, stiff and frozen. When he approached, we found that he was probably only 13 or 14 years old. Catalina unbuttoned him and played with him. He sat there, serious and quiet, while she stroked him and put him in her mouth. Then, he started to kiss her back, she turned to him, grabbed his head with both hands, and gave him her breasts. The other boy became so excited that he and I started again. It came quickly, but it was as good to me as the first time. Later, we took a bath, and later, we left. When I got home, Karl Henrik had already returned from town. We ate dinner and drank some wine. Then I went to bed. We have never had such a good time between us, not in the past, and never again...
night. The storm stopped. The waves hit the rocky beach. Otherwise, everything is quiet. The lighthouse was on, shaking its arc, shooting into the night sky.
——Next, I became pregnant, of course. Karl Henrik was studying medicine, and he took me to a friend of his and had a baby. We are all happy to get rid of it so easily. We don't want any children. Not only then, not at any time.
Suddenly, Irma began to cry. A puzzling sip, full of pleasure. Elizabeth Vogler put her big hand on Irma's. Irma sighed and tried to continue, but gave up the idea of searching for words.
——This is not appropriate. When you start to think, everything is gone. Immoral thoughts about all of this are irrelevant. Can you understand what I mean? Can you change someone completely? Closely connected, at the same moment? Then, what happened suddenly to everything you believed in? Doesn't it matter? Oh, that's too stupid. Anyway, there is no reason to scream like an owl. Wait, I have to blow my nose.
She blew her nose, wiped away her tears, looked around and smiled unnaturally.
——It's getting late. Think about what else I can do. I've been talking about myself all day, and you just listen and listen. You must be bored. My life cannot interest you. People should like you.
Elizabeth smiled in surprise. Irma cleared her throat. She found it difficult to sort out her thoughts. Also, she was completely exhausted and too excited.
——On the night I went to see your movie, I stood in front of the mirror and thought "We are very similar" (laughs). Don't get me wrong. You are much more beautiful. However, in a sense we are very similar. I think I can turn myself into you. If I really want to. I mean the heart. Don't you think so?
She thought about this idea again. Then, quite unhappy and tragically: ——Of
course, you have no difficulty in becoming me. You can do it, just like that. Of course, your soul will be kept out of the door a little bit, because it is too big and mine is too small. That seems to get weird.
Elma put her heavy head on the table, raised her hands on top of her head, and yawned.
——You'd better go to bed, otherwise you will fall asleep on the table, Mrs. Vogler said in a calm, clear voice.
Irma did not respond at first, but soon she gradually realized that Elizabeth was talking to her. She sat up straight, staring at the sea outside the window, speechless.
——Yes, I will go to bed now. Otherwise, I must fall asleep on the table. That must be uncomfortable.
15
That night, Irma had a peculiar experience. She slept deeply for several hours, and finally woke up from the urgency of urination. Dawn was breaking, and seabirds swooped into the bay from high altitude screaming. She tiptoed to the walking silhouette, went around the corner, and disappeared among a few juniper bushes. She squatted down there, urinating with pleasure for a long time, still half awake and half asleep. When she entered the room, she had a few cold silences, feeling a little uncomfortable. But soon, a new burst of drowsiness hit, and she fell asleep again.
Someone was walking around the house, and she was awakened. A white figure flashed silently at the door and passed. At first she was a little scared, but she immediately realized that it was Elizabeth who had come to see her.
For some reason, Irma said nothing. She lay there motionless, eyes half-open and half-closed. After a while, Elizabeth came to her bed in a long white nightgown and a small crocheted cardigan. She bends down to Irma. Gently kiss her face with her lips. Her long hair covered her forehead, covering their faces.
16 The
next morning, they sat together knitting, which was something they both liked.
——Elizabeth...
——?
——I want to ask you some questions. Did you talk to me last night?
Elizabeth smiled and shook her head.
——Did you come to my room last night?
Still smiling, she shook her head. Irma bent down deeply and leaned over their braid.
17
Miss Irma drove an old-fashioned car along the windy, rugged forest road. She is going down the mountain to send a few letters to the small town post office. One of them was written by Mrs. Vogler to the doctor. It was lying on top of the pile of letters in the front seat, with the reverse side of the envelope facing up.
Irma knew it was not sealed. She drove the car to a fork in the road and stopped, found the glasses in her handbag, and opened the envelope.
Letters
Dear, this is what I should never had lived. Keep silent, cut off from the world, have a clear heart, and feel how a broken heart finally begins to calm down again. I'm returning to the basic and long-forgotten feelings, the excitement of the greedy hungry before eating, the childish sleepiness at night, the curiosity of a fat spider, and the joy of walking barefoot. I am hollow and stubborn. Floating in a kind of mild half-awake and half-sleeping mid-air. I have realized a new kind of health, a kind of unbridled joy. Surrounded by the sea, I live in a cradle like a fetus in the womb. No, no longer longing, even no longer longing to see my little son. But, of course, I know that everything is fine with him, and this makes me feel calm.
Irma is good, a person who can really relieve boredom. She took care of me and pampered me in the most moving way. She has a kind of powerful and completely worldly sensibility that pleases me. Her agility is both inspiring and relaxing. Of course, her physical nature is part of my curiosity. I think she is very happy and very attached to me, in fact a little bit in love with me, albeit in an unconscious and elegant way. Studying her personality is really enjoyable. She is quite "learned", has many opinions on morality and life, and is even a little stubborn. I encouraged her to talk and benefited a lot. Sometimes she would cry for past sins (an episode of orgy with a strange boy, plus an abortion). She complained that her insights about life did not fit in with her behavior.
Anyway, she trusted me and told me all her troubles. As you can see, I caught everything, as long as she doesn’t notice this, it doesn’t matter...
Irma has been reading the letter slowly, excitedly, sometimes with long pauses. She got out of the car, took a few steps, sat on a rock, and then stood up again.
Such treachery.
Later that day, when she came back, she said that the car had broken down and she had to go to a repair station.
18
An autumn morning, the air was fresh, and there was still the warmth of summer. A strong beam of light hit the terrace stones and the uneven pebbles of the path. Miss Irma got up early as usual (her room faces east). She walked into the kitchen, poured herself a glass of orange juice, holding the glass in her right hand, and tiptoeing barefoot into the bright sun. She sat down on the lowest step and drank orange juice slowly. She had to squint her eyes when she looked at the dizzying mirror-like reflection of the sea from a distance.
She put the empty cup aside, and then when she looked for the sunglasses in the pocket of her bathrobe, she knocked it over. Shards of glass scattered all over the steps and paths.
She froze, with a very unpleasant gesture. Then, she muttered to herself, brought a broom and a fen skip, and carefully cleaned all the broken glass, which was both careful and laborious. She knelt down, picked it up with her fingers, looked around carefully, everything seemed to have been resolved, and then cleared the debris in the fne skip into the trash can. Then, she came to the steps again, lit a cigarette, and observed the life of the insects on the cobblestone path through the sunglasses.
Suddenly, among the small rocks on the path, she saw the reflection of a large, irregular glass shard. This is a shard of glass at the bottom of the cup, with a jagged pointed mouth standing up high. She stretched out her hand, but her hand stopped in the middle.
She heard Mrs. Vogler walking around the room.
After thinking for a while, she picked up a magazine, put on her wooden slippers, and opened a reclining chair that had been folded on the terrace. The pointed mouth of the broken glass was just a few steps to her right, shining on the side of her sunglasses. She opened the magazine gently, and it turned gray under the sunglasses, and there were a few colorful attached pages.
Elizabeth Vogler also came to the steps, holding her little coffee cup in her hand. She put a short coat over her yukata and was barefoot. She put the cup on the table in the garden, and kept walking across the cobblestone path. To move a chair for the first time, then a rake was leaned against the wall.
Every now and then, her feet were very close to the broken glass.
Then she lay down beside her coffee and books. Everything returned to silence.
Miss Irma got up and went to her room to put on her bathrobe.
When she came out again, Elizabeth Vogler was crouching on the steps, pulling the piece of broken glass from under her left foot. Blood came out of the wound all at once.
Miss Irma stood motionless for a while, and she met Mrs. Vogler's gaze without blinking.
19
A cold, sunny morning. Elizabeth Vogler looked around for Miss Irma in the room. Just without her shadow. She went to their bathing place again. There was no one there. She went back to the garage. The car stopped there. The branches were creaking, complaining, and the shadow of a large cloud swept over the moss. The north wind hit, and the waves roared in the bay.
When she returned to the terrace, Irma stood there with her back leaning against the wall, looking out to the sea.
Elizabeth walked towards her. Elma turned away, wearing a pair of sunglasses.
——Have you seen my new sunglasses? I bought it in town yesterday.
Elizabeth walked into the house and looked for her sweater and book. Came out again. When she walked to Irma's side, she touched her face again, very lightly. Irma let her be free, still leaning quietly against the wall. Elizabeth sat down in a big wicker chair.
——I see you reading a play. I will tell the doctor. This is a good sign.
Elizabeth raised her head and looked at Irma with questioning eyes. Then he started to read the book.
——Maybe we can leave soon. I already miss the city a bit. How about you, Elizabeth?
Elizabeth shook her head.
——Can you do something for me? I know this is too demanding, but with your help, I can do something.
Elizabeth looked up from her book. She had been listening carefully to Irma's tone, and suddenly, a shadow of fear passed in her eyes.
——This is not dangerous. But I do hope you can talk to me. I'm not talking about anything special. For example, we can talk about the weather. Or what do we eat for dinner, or whether the sea will become cold after wind and rain. It's so cold that we can't jump in or something. Can't we talk for a few minutes? Just a few minutes? Or you can read your book to me. Just say a few words.
Irma was still standing against the wall, her head tilted forward slightly, her sunglasses sliding onto her nose.
——It’s not easy to live with someone who doesn’t say anything, I have to say. It will destroy everything. I can't bear to listen to Karl Henrik's voice anymore. He sounds so fake. I can't talk to him anymore, it's too unnatural. You can only hear your own voice, nothing else. You will think "Don't get my voice distorted." This is all my words. You see, I’m talking to you now, I can’t help but I hate talking, because I still can’t say what I want. But you made things simple, you just shut your mouth. No, I can't get angry. You don't say anything, it's your business, I know. But now, I need you to talk to me. Please, you, can't you tell me something? Even a little bit? This is almost unbearable.
There was a long pause. Elizabeth shook her head. Irma smiled, as if trying to restrain herself from crying.
——I know you will say no. Because you don't know how I feel. I always thought that great artists have great compassion for others. I think... they can create something out of their great compassion for people and their need to help people. I am so silly.
She took off her sunglasses and put them in her pocket. Elizabeth sat there, deeply disturbed, but motionless.
——Use it, and then throw it away. You have been using me-I don't know why-now, you don't need me anymore, you have thrown me away.
Elma wanted to go back to the house, but stopped at the door, and she suddenly broke out howling.
——Yes, I know, I can clearly hear how fake all this is. "You don't need me anymore, you have thrown me away." This is what I encountered. Every word. And these sunglasses!
She smashed the glasses out of her pocket and threw them to the terrace. Then she sat down on the steps.
——No, I just got hurt, that's all. I have been exhausted, sad and desperate. You hurt me so fiercely. You have been laughing at me. You are a demon, a complete demon. People like you should be shot. Think about it, I read the letter you wrote to the doctor, and you laughed at me in the letter. Think about it, I did this, it was opened, it is here, I never sent it, I tell you, I really read the letter. You forced me to say it. It was you who asked me to tell what I had never told anyone. But you sent it gently. How abominable your approach is. Is not it? You can't do that-you can't!
She stood up suddenly, grabbed Elizabeth's arms, and started shaking her desperately.
——Now, you can talk. What do you have-now, my God, I want you to talk to me!
With the help of the sudden shock, Elizabeth pulled out and slapped Irma with the back of her hand. The blow was so heavy that Irma staggered and almost fell. But she immediately maintained her balance and rushed towards Elizabeth, she spit in her face. And Elizabeth hit her again, this time on her mouth. She bleeds immediately. Elma looked around. She saw a thermos on the table, grabbed it, pulled out the stopper, and poured boiling water onto Elizabeth's face.
——No, stop! (Elizabeth screams, squatting on the ground face down in fright.)
Elma stopped, her anger shifted, and she stood there for a while, looking at Elizabeth. Irma's lips and nose were bleeding. She wiped her face with her hands, looking ugly.
——Ah, at least you are finally scared, aren't you? At that moment, you may be absolutely sincere. A sincere fear of death. Irma is crazy, you think. What kind of person are you, you? Or you are just thinking "I want to remember that face. That expression. That tone." I'll give you something you can't forget.
She suddenly waved her arm to grab Elizabeth's face. Then, something shocking happened. The actress started laughing.
--now it's right. Laugh. Things are not that simple for me. It's not that interesting either. However, you can always laugh.
She went into the bathroom and washed her mouth and nose with cold water. After a while, the blood basically stopped. She tugged a ball of cotton to plug her nose. I combed my hair, feeling exhausted, and yawning constantly.
When she appeared again, Elizabeth was standing in the middle of the kitchen, drinking coffee from a large cup. She handed it to Irma, who took a few gulps greedily. Then, the two women began to get busy in the kitchen.
As Elizabeth passed by, Irma stopped her and grabbed her wrist.
——Does it have to be like this? Is it really that important not to lie and always maintain a sincere tone? Is this necessary? Can you really live without speaking? Say something boring, forgive yourself, lie, avoid something? I know you stop talking because you are tired of all the roles you play, and you can play every role perfectly. But wouldn’t it be better to make yourself stupid, sloppy, and nagging? Don't you think you can really be better, if you let yourself be yourself?
Elizabeth smiled sarcastically.
--Do not. You don't even understand what I mean. A person like you cannot understand this. The doctor said that you are in good spirits. I even suspect that you are going crazy. You are playing a game with health. But you did it so perfectly that everyone believed you. Everyone believes in you, except me. Because only I know how rotten you are.
Irma came from the kitchen to the terrace. The sun was on top, hitting her eyes directly, making her tearful eyes aching. She was smoking a cigarette, shivering in this sunny and cold afternoon.
——What am I doing? (She mutters to herself)
She saw Elizabeth walking towards the beach, taking big, determined steps. She threw away her cigarette butt and ran after him. While shouting "Elizabeth, wait!" he chased after him. She caught up to her and walked side by side with her.
——Elizabeth, please forgive me, if you can. I looked like a fool just now. I mean, I'm here to help you. I don't understand what is wrong with me. You make me like an idiot. You must forgive me. It must be because of that terrible letter. Only when I think about it, can I write an equally evil letter about you. But I feel so disappointed. You want me to talk about myself. I drank so much wine, and you are so kind, so kind, and considerate. It's good to have a chance to talk about everything. Also, I guess I am a bit spoiled, a great actress like you would be interested in me. I think I almost hoped that what I said was of some use to you. People are very interesting, aren't they? This is pure ostentation. But that's not what I really want to say. Elizabeth, you must forgive me anyway. Because I like you so much, you mean so much to me. You taught me so many things, and now I don't want us to be enemies. do you understand?
Irma stopped, trying to get Elizabeth's attention, but she went on walking indifferently, and disappeared among the rocks by the sea. Irma screamed angrily behind her.
——No, you don't want to forgive me. You will not forgive me. You are very proud, aren't you? You won't treat me with dignity, because you don't have to do that. I won't go-I don't want to go anymore!
She was still screaming angrily, but she could only hear her own voice, her voice with a listless and humiliated tone that gradually turned into a moan of pain. She sat down on a rock and let the cold wind blow her mind, letting herself accumulate the weight of the sea.
20
Irma returned to the house.
It was dusk, the sun was gradually sinking in the thick fog, and the sea became very quiet. Cold fog filled the sky over the coastline. An alarm reporting heavy fog came from afar.
She had a desire for revenge and weak anxiety accumulated in her heart; she felt upset, wanted to vomit, went to bed without eating anything.
After sleeping drowsy for a few hours, she was awakened by a sensation of paralysis—a stiff sensation that rushed to the left and right of her lungs and then groped her heart. The fog passed through the open window, and a layer of blue-gray floated in her room.
She successfully raised her hand and touched the bedside lamp-but there was no light.
A small radio was talking to itself. A slight voice can be heard from a distance.
——Don’t say, don’t listen, can’t understand-what kind of means are we—we go to persuade—to listen. Actually—it was ruled out. These constant calls-the
sound was drowned in a powerful disturbance. Then, there was silence, only the fog warning faintly came from a distance.
Suddenly, someone was calling. This is the voice of a man. He called: "Elizabeth!"
Irma managed to get to the floor, close the window, and walk down the corridor to Elizabeth's room.
She found that it was also gray, half-dark and half-dark.
Elizabeth was lying on her back on the bed. She was pale and her eyes were dark. Her breathing is barely noticeable. She half-opened her mouth, like a dead person.
Elma bent over to her, touched her neck and forehead, and took her pulse. The pulse is weak but normal.
Her own lips were so close to the face of the sleeping woman that she could feel her breath. She touched her chin lightly and closed her mouth.
——When you fall asleep, your face is loose, and your lips are swollen and unsightly. There is already a damn wrinkle on your forehead, and it won’t take long for you to have any secrets. Your eyes will never shine again—now, you are just a bunch of helpless, exposed fat. You exude the breath of sleep and breathing, and I can see the blue veins on your neck. You still have a scar there, which is left after the operation, and you always cover it with cosmetics. Now he was calling there again. I'm going to see what he wants from us. In our isolated place.
Irma left the sleeping woman and searched the rooms one by one. She came to the back of the house. Come to the garden.
She heard someone talking behind her and turned around unwillingly. She saw the figure of a tall man in his 50s. He smiled awkwardly at her.
——I'm sorry, if it scares you.
—I’m not Elizabeth.
Irma caught a glimpse of the figure behind the man. It was Mrs. Vogler, looking at her with a slight, mocking smile.
——The absolute limit of pain...My letters...All those words...I'm not asking for anything...The
man is still very upset. Irma felt a creepy anger at the humiliation of this striptease fragment. Mrs. Vogler's secret smile was in the shadows all the time, and the man put his hand on her shoulder.
——I don't want to disturb you, don't think I don't understand. The doctor explained many things to me. (He smiles sadly) The most difficult thing is to explain to your little son. However, I am doing my best. Some things are more profound and harder to understand.
He looked at her with an uncertain, surrendering expression. Thin lips twitched. He is trying his best to muster his courage.
——You fall in love with someone else, or Wu Ning said you said you fell in love with someone else. This is something you can control, easy to understand like words. I mean...
Mr. Vogler, I am not your wife.
——So you are loved by others. You formed a small society. It gives you a sense of security, you see a path of endurance, don't you? Oh! Whatever I have thought about, how can I say it without feeling lost? How can you say it without bored you?
Irma could always see Mrs. Vogler's face and her smile. Irma heard herself speaking with hypocritical tenderness.
——I love you as much as before.
--I believe you.
The man's eyes were full of tears, and his lips were very close to hers.
——I have always believed in you so much, sincere and childish. People are looking for each other, trying to understand each other, trying to put themselves behind.
But Irma used her hypocritical voice to protect herself.
——Don't worry about it, my dear. We all have each other. We all trust each other. We know what each other thinks, and we love each other. All of this is true, isn't it?
Mrs. Vogler's face became serious, almost numb from the pain of the transfer. However, Mr. Vogler continued.
——Understand each other like two children. A wounded, helpless, and lonely child. What matters is hard work, right? Not what we get.
He became silent and wiped his eyes with shame with his hand. Irma tried her best to cheer her up. Her voice was stiff and false.
——Tell our youngest son that my mother is going home soon. She has been ill and has been looking forward to seeing him. Don't forget to buy something for him. That's a gift from mother, don't forget.
—You know, I feel so tender to you, Elizabeth. It was almost unbearable. I really don't know how to treat it.
Elma answered him in a harsh tone.
——I rely on your tenderness for a living.
Behind this man, Elizabeth Vogler made a disgusting face. Now he leaned against Irma, then kissed her lips, stroked her breasts, and muttered some kind, affectionate words.
The limit of tolerance has not been reached:
-Do you like to be with me? Isn't it good to be with me?
——You are a great lover, dear. You know this, my love.
--Dear. Elizabeth, my love.
Now, she couldn't bear it anymore, it happened, she whispered, her face was close to his, her forehead was close to his ear:
-Give me something to make my feeling numb, or else , Just kill me, kill me, I can't do it anymore, I can't. Don't touch me, shame, hypocrisy, all this is false, a lie. Go away, I am poisonous, mad, cold, and rotten. Why can't I die? I don't have the courage.
All of this was spoken in a very well-controlled voice. Mrs. Vogler, who was hiding behind her husband, left with a tired expression.
Mr. Vogler took Irma into his arms, held her tightly, and comforted her. He touched her forehead and shoulders, squeezing her clenched fist. In a vulgar, desperate voice, he murmured something meaningless and completely inaccurate. Tearsless, burning eyes stared at her unfamiliar lips.
Mrs. Vogler turned her face to the audience in the dark, and said in a firm, almost hoarse voice:
-Language, just like emptiness, loneliness, strangeness, pain and helplessness, has lost its meaning.
twenty one
Irma was alone, her pulse beating fast. She turned to the room and walked into a room she had never seen before, a glass balcony-style room with a sleepy paraffin chandelier hanging from the ceiling. In the center of the room is a big table. Sitting at the table was Elizabeth Vogler, but she was wearing Irma's uniform.
Elma walked to the table and sat down opposite her. After a long silence, Irma said: ——Now
, I have learned a lot.
——Learned a lot. (Mrs. Vogler said)
Irma put her right hand on the table, palm up. Elizabeth watched attentively, then raised her left hand and placed it on the table with her palm facing up.
This procedure was repeated several times, and the tension aggravated. Irma's teary eyes were hazy, but she tried her best to restrain herself.
—
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