babble, don't care

Carl Casper: [excitedly reading Ramsey Michel's review] "Gauloises: Eager to Please. Ten years ago, I had the good fortune to dine at Chef Casper's revelatory Miami bistro, Marrow. The sheer audacity of this fresh, brave voice of the culinary scene reminded me why I write about food as a vocation. It is nearly impossible to separate my glowing regard for Chef Casper and how much he inspired me from my expectations as I sat down to dine at the recently remodeled Brentwood Gallic staple, Gauloises. Oh, how times have changed."

[not so enthused]

Carl Casper: "Over the last decade, Carl Casper has somehow managed to transform himself from the edgiest chef in Miami to the needy aunt that gives you five dollars every time you see her in hopes that you will like her, but instead causes you to shrink from her cloying embrace which threatens to smother you in her saggy, moist cleavage. The signature app, intended to impress the country club brunch crowd, is the caviar egg. A shirred egg topped with a dollop of caviar is an excuse for the chef to overcharge us for his insecurity and lack of imagination. Carl Casper can be best summed up by the first bite of his needy, and yet, by some miracle, also irrelevant chocolate lava cake. Casper didn't even have the courage to undercook the cake, thus curiously lacking its signature molten center. This sad dessert is emblematic of Carl Casper's disappointing new chapter. His dramatic... weight gain can only be explained by the fact that he must be eating all the... food sent back to the kitchen. Two stars."

Percy: [sets up a Twitter account for Carl] Okay. So, what do you want your username to be?

Carl Casper: Carl.

Percy: You can't just put "Carl". It's got to be "at" something.

Carl Casper: At Carl Casper.

Percy: At Carl Casper. Taken.

Carl Casper: Somebody took my name?

Percy: At Chef Carl Casper? Is that cool?

Carl Casper: Yeah, that's good.

Percy: At Chef Carl Casper.

Carl Casper: So is this for sex?

Percy: Ew. No. Is that what you're doing this for?

Carl Casper: No, I'm not doing it for that. Someone wrote something bad. I wanna see what they wrote.

Percy: Good. Oh, shit.

Carl Casper: Hey! You can't talk like that. I don't care if mommy's not around. I don't want you cursing around here.

Percy: That review went viral.

Carl Casper: What does that mean?

Percy: It means it got picked up and re-tweeted everywhere.

Carl Casper: So, all these people have read the review?

Percy: Yeah.

Carl Casper: Oh, shit.