keep looking, keep leaving

When I was blowing my hair at night, I was thinking about the movie "The Lion" that I just watched. The film is adapted from the biographical novel "The Long Way Home". The protagonist of the novel, Saroo, was lost with his family when he was a child, and was finally adopted by a couple in Australia. Although the adoptive family is well-off, Saroo still has something to lose - he no longer communicates with his parents when he grows up, and he cannot love and get along with his girlfriend who loves him deeply like an ordinary couple. His life hit a dead end. In the dream, in reality, he saw his biological mother and brother calling and looking for him everywhere. He began to search for his roots with scattered childhood memories.

The movie images that were floating around in my head like spider silk were suddenly webbed and merged into dots—I thought of my father.

Before my parents divorced, my mother often complained to me that my father was naive and ignorant—how good it was to stay in the old unit when he was young, he had a staff, and now pension and medical care are not a problem, but he had to resign in a hurry. More than ten are still wandering in the field to work. In fact, I have never understood the difference between with and without organization. Apart from the fact that the former is an iron rice bowl, there is no essential difference between the two. In my impression, there is not much difference between the two in terms of pension and medical insurance. But maybe it's because my mother talks too much, and every time she has a very iron-like air, maybe it's because I habitually echo what others say, and my father is like a child in my heart, naive and ignorant.

But maybe, like Saroo, the father is missing a part - he keeps quitting his job, running between different cities, maybe just trying to find the missing part and get out of the "dead end" in the uncertain future.

When I was cleaning things in the old house a few years ago, I turned to my father's diary - a 24-year-old father, the dream is restless in his heart, but the reality is stagnant, uneasy, confused, anxious-this is the 28-year-old Myself.

From high school at the age of 16 until graduate school is about to graduate, I rarely look back - I am afraid, it is almost blank for more than ten years, and countless dreams have been entangled in my heart, but in the end it is just a dream. I've never been desperate for a dream. Shame on me in the past. I am always leaving, from Hunan to Jiangxi, from Jiangxi to Guangdong, from Guangdong to Beijing, in Beijing, and dreaming of going to Shanghai, "now" is always incomplete for me, I am always entangled and hesitant, In pain, it seems that only by leaving can I find the fulfillment I want in the uncertain future.

About 6 or 7 years ago, I told my friend about my father, and I said he was "young and feisty" at the time. My friend said, how do you know that he was "young and vigorous" at that time, you are not him, how do you know that the choice he made at that time was because of "young and vigorous"?

Over the years, I kept chewing on what my friends said to me, and kept trying to find the reason why my father chose to "leave". Today, I probably found the answer.

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