Zookeeper Quotes

Griffin Keyes: How long have you been able to talk?

Donald the Monkey: Let's see, today's Tuesday so... always.

Griffin Keyes: How did you get past the enclosures?

Donald the Monkey: You don't wanna know.

Griffin Keyes: Actually, I do.

Donald the Monkey: Okay, but I don't wanna tell.

Kate: So basically, you're using me?

Griffin Keyes: Not basically. I am.

Crow: Do you know what I think we should do?

All The Other Animals: Not a zoo animal!

Kate: I'm taking a job in Nairobi.

Venom: What?

Kate: I was gonna pass, 'cause I started having feelings for someone here, but... he's with somebody else. So... you know?

Venom: I do.

[leans over to kiss her. Kate pulls away]

Kate: What are you doing?

Venom: Oh, what are YOU doing? Don't you play possum.

Kate: What?

Venom: You know, you started having feelings? Come on, "someone here."

Kate: [snorts] I was talking about Griffin.

Venom: Tragic misread of situation.

Stephanie: Griffin Constantine Keyes... Mm! The changes I've seen in you these past few weeks have been nothing short of remarkable. And I've been doing a little soul searching, and I did a mistake five years ago on that beach, and I wanna correct it. So...

[pulls out an engagement ring]

Stephanie: Will you...

Griffin Keyes: Yeah, not gonna happen.

Stephanie: What?

Griffin Keyes: Come on, you had to see this coming. When we first started dating, you assumed I was gonna turn into the type of guy that you always dreamed about. But you know what? I don't like that guy. I don't like this job, I...

[turns to Dave]

Griffin Keyes: don't, bro, I'm sorry...

Dave: It's not...

Griffin Keyes: Yeah, this I love. But we'll always have this, you know? I love you, right?

Dave: Yeah...

Griffin Keyes: Okay, good.

[turns back to Stephanie]

Griffin Keyes: I don't like this suit. I don't like our Chintaki chairs...

Stephanie: It's Chintoko.

Griffin Keyes: Either one, I don't like them. I don't like the fact that I can't understand 90 percent of the stuff you talk about! But most of all... I hate who I have become.

Griffin Keyes: [about Kate leaving] Oh, man, it's my fault. I blew it.

Joe the Lion: No, it's my fault. I was the one who told you to be someone you're not.

Janet the Lioness: No, you know what? It's my fault. I was so worried you were gonna leave, I wasn't thinking about you.

Donald the Monkey: It's not my fault. I said throw poop at her. That always works.

Kate: What the hell are you doing?

Griffin Keyes: I was cartwheeling.

Kate: What?

Griffin Keyes: Oh, you said... You said eagles mate for life.

Kate: Yes.

Griffin Keyes: Well, when an eagle finds its perfect mate, they cartwheel, right? That's what they do. They... they lock their talons together, and they spin out of control, and just before they hit the ground... they break apart. The only difference between me and an eagle is... I will hit the ground, as you've just seen.

Kate: You said you were done with the Zoo Game.

Griffin Keyes: I thought I had to change who I was to be happy... But I was wrong. Kate, it took me five years to get over someone I wasn't even in love with. I can't imagine how long it would take to get over you. And on a side note, I may have crushed an ostrich getting here.

Kate: I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know...

[they kiss]

Donald the Monkey: Don't get mad at us because you don't hear a kid say, "Mommy, I want to see a crow."

Crow: Okay, that's the captivity talk.

Donald the Monkey: Oh, not now, Barry. You just started your diet today.

Jerome the Bear: He's not even chewing.

Bruce the Bear: Take a deep breath.

Barry the Elephant: What? I'm stress-eating; STOP LOOKING AT ME!

Pizza Guy: Okay, let's review your order. That will be 64 meat lovers pizzas and 32 caesar salads. Can we interest you in our new fudge roll?

Bernie the Gorilla: [Bernie turns to Barry who shakes his head yes] Yes.

TGIF Waitress: And you, sir?

Bernie the Gorilla: Thirty oranges.

Griffin Keyes: [to Joe] Lionesses do the hunting.

Janet the Lioness: We do.

Griffin Keyes: [to Janet] Thank you.

Janet the Lioness: And fighting.

Griffin Keyes: Joe!

Joe the Lion: What the h - - is wrong with you? Huh? Oh, I mean:

[growls]

Griffin Keyes: [Screams in panic] Ahhhhhhhh!

Griffin Keyes: Bern, I gotta do this on my own. I'll sit at another table.

Bernie the Gorilla: You won't even know I'm there. I've got unbelievable mingling skills.

Griffin Keyes: Bernie, you're a gorilla.

Bernie the Gorilla: WOW! I can't believe you just went there.

Bernie the Gorilla: I didn't do it, you know.

Griffin Keyes: I'm sorry?

Bernie the Gorilla: I didn't attack him.

Griffin Keyes: Oh, yeah, he says you did though.

Bernie the Gorilla: He's a liar, okay? He never treats us with any respect. To get us to move, he prods us with a long stick with a nail in the end of it. One day, I guess I wasn't walking fast as he wanted me to, so he swung the stick at me, but I caught it, and he slipped and fell. He told everyone I attacked him.

Griffin Keyes: Wow, I never knew any of that.

Bernie the Gorilla: And my only mistake was assuming he would tell the truth. I guess that's what humans do. They lie.

Griffin Keyes: Not all humans, Bernie.

Joe the Lion: Stick to your cozy life because take it from me, you would never make it in the wild.

Griffin Keyes: What did you just say?

Joe the Lion: I'm saying, in the wild, I would never let a rival dictate the outcome of a situation.

Griffin Keyes: "In the wild"? You were born in captivity, Joe. In this very zoo, I bottle-fed you! "In the wild." You've never been in the wild a day in your life. I could walk 25 yards and buy a balloon on a stick. "Wild."