Tallahassee: It's time to nut up or shut up.

Albuquerque: That saying's very 2009.
Tallahassee: [dressed as Santa Claus] What would you like, little girl? A pony?

Little Rock: No, I'd actually like for you to stop calling me "little girl."

Tallahassee: Well, technically, you are little and you're a girl.

Columbus: [sits in Tallahassee's lap] Well, I am not a little girl, but do you know what I would like?

Tallahassee: [pushes Columbus off of his lap] I don't give a fuck what you like.
Tallahassee: I have nothing against pacifists. I just wanna beat the shit out of them.
Nevada: [pointing a gun at Tallahassee] Start talking.

Tallahassee: You first!

Nevada: [loads gun]

Tallahassee: [in a childlike voice] Hi, my name's Tallahassee.
Wichita: When you love something, you shoot it in the face... So it doesn't become a flesh eating monster.
Tallahassee: [entering the White House] Hail to the motherfucking chief.
Tallahassee: [sitting behind the desk in the Oval Office] You're welcome, America!
Wichita: Don't listen to this guy. He's killed more celebrities than cocaine.
[first lines]

Columbus: Welcome to Zombieland. Back for seconds? After all this time? Well, what can I say, but thank you. You have a lot of choices when it comes to zombie entertainment, and we appreciate you picking us.
Little Rock: Wait, why does he get to be president?

Tallahassee: Well I think would have made a damn fine president. Kissed a few hands, shook a few babies.

Wichita: You would have brought real dignity to the office.

Tallahassee: Thank you.

Wichita: You don't have what it takes. I'll be president. And I nominate Little Rock as my VP.

Little Rock: So that means I get to be president if you get killed by zombies.
Reporter: [Actor Bill Murray is being interviewed at a "Garfield 3: Flabby Tabby" press junket] But the question is, why in the world Garfield 3?

Bill Murray: Can this be just between us?

Reporter: Yes.

Bill Murray: Drugs cost money.
Columbus: I feel sort of guilty.

Madison: Because of Jesus?

[whispers]

Madison: I know ways around that.

[winks]
Madison: [Columbus pushes Madison away as she's kissing him] OK, look, I've been alone in a freezer for years, so either we're doing this right now, or I'm biting the bullet and I'm doing the old guy!
Madison: [the group approaches an RV] You guys, I partied with Three Doors Down in one of these.
Madison: You guys, they are much more afraid of us than we are of them.

Wichita: Oh, that is not even remotely true.
Tallahassee: They ain't got what we do.

Madison: Guns.

Tallahassee: We don't have guns.

Madison: What?
Madison: I'm like, really good at surviving. I carry a can of mace with me everywhere I go. And I can run really, really, really, really fast. Probably because I used to do, like, hot yoga and SoulCycle.
Columbus: [about Madison] Hey, come on. She is a living, thinking being. Okay?

[relenting]

Columbus: She's a living being.
Nevada: [angrily at gunpoint] Why the hell are you wearing Elvis' actual shoes?

Columbus: Comfort.
Tallahassee: [dispensing some fatherly advice] Don't do nothin' I wouldn't not do... You get what I'm saying.

Little Rock: Not really, no.
[after a T-800 zombie gets up after being shot twice]

Tallahassee: Two plus two still equals four, right?
[last lines]

Bill Murray: I hate Mondays.
Tallahassee: You know why she's still alive? Because zombies eat brains and she ain't got none.
Madison: I'm really good at surviving. I'm literally alive.
Tallahassee: Rules are for pussies, nothing personal.

Columbus: How could that not be personal? That's like my whole thing.

Tallahassee: Yeah, you're right. It was personal.
Columbus: Well, the only reason we've survived the last several years is we've gotten to know our bloodthirsty enemies better than we know ourselves. In the time since we last saw you, zombies have evolved, so we've given them different names. This lady here is getting chased by the dumbest Z there is, what we call a Homer. In a world without YouTube, who isn't entertained by a Homer?
Columbus: But for better or worse, we were a family. And for the first time since the virus, we were living somewhere truly safe, making every day feel like, well, like Christmas morning.
Tallahassee: Now from where I stand, there's only one thing we can do.

Civil War Bearded Guy: Group sex, right? No. Um... we'll fight them.

Tallahassee: You'll be the first to die, but I like your enthusiasm.

Wichita: You might die.

Columbus: Thank you for your sacrifice.