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Zohan: I just want to make people silky-smooth!
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Claude: It's not that big.
Zohan: No, not that. The bush, is biggest you ever seen, right?
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Gail: Usually he's harder than trigonometry.
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[Zohan shows Gail the gel that was thrown at the salon; Gail tastes the gel]
Gail: Oh, that's Neosporin! I use it on cuts and on genital sores.
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Salim: [to the two women riding his cab] And you are stupid cow!
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Michael: What are you? Bionic?
Zohan: No, no, no, no, no, I only like the girls... Thanks anyways.
-
Michael: Well, tonight's our night for the Community Nightwatch.
Zohan: The Communism tight crotch? What?
-
Dalia: Zohan! He has a bomb... and puppies!
Zohan: No!
James: Imma blow up this whole block, Imma blow you up, Imma blow up these puppies! And we all gone' go to hell together, cause I hate these puppies!
-
Zohan: So let's go.
-
Zohan: [the limo passenger is battered about as Zohan hits warp-factor 10 speeding through the streets] Don't worry! I will lose them!
Limousine Passenger: Nobody's following us!
-
Zohan: [Zohan approaches apprehensive-looking young kid sitting in Barber chair] Young man! Look what I have found here, a nice balloon. Do you want it?
[hands kid balloon]
Zohan: You know, you shouldn't jump around when this nice woman is holding a sharp pair of scissors. If you move she could slip and slice your jugular vein, on accident. There is no way to stitch the jugular. All of your blood will be on the floor in four minutes. I have seen this. I have done this. You don't want this.
[kid bursts into a flood of tears, Zohan nerve pinches him and the kid slumps unconscious in his seat]
Zohan: Well then, at least it is good time to shave his neck...
-
Zohan: Unbelievable! This enema gets to live his dream...!
-
The Phantom: Okay, okay, okay! What you want, huh?
Salim: I want muchentuchen restaurant chain.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: But if I tell, you no have chain anyway.
The Phantom: So, you not give any incentive.
Salim: Okay. I want 50 percent of muchentuchen chain. We call it "Phantom & Salim Muchentuchen".
The Phantom: No.
Salim: Twenty-five percent.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: I want yogurt shop attached to store, like food court.
The Phantom: Okay.
Salim: I get profits from store.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: Some profits.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: I get free yogurt when I come to store.
The Phantom: Okay. Within reason.
Salim: And... I want some of your wives.
The Phantom: How many wives you want?
Salim: Twenty.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: I sleep with one wife.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: She give one pee-pee touch.
The Phantom: Okay.
-
Zohan: It is... you. Dalia, I don't know how to tell you this. I cannot make sticky with anyone else. *You* are the special one. I will only be "Steve" for you.
Dalia: Uh, who is Steve?
Zohan: Stiff, with an F.
-
[first lines]
Danny: You don't mess with the Zohan!
-
Zohan's Father: You've caught so many terrorists, it's an art. You're like Rembrandt with a grenade.
-
Zohan: [after being smacked in the face with a paddle] Why you do this? You know I feel no pain.
The Phantom: No no no no no... I feel no pain!
-
Gail: Well Australia, it must be really nice there since they got rid of the apartheid.
Zohan: Oh yes, the weather is much cooler.
-
Aharon: You ever cut a sister's hair before?
African American Salon Owner: Yes, sister, brother, grandma, grandpa, the whole family. I'm good at this.
-
Oori: [wistfully] Once you start in an electronics store, you *never* get out.
-
Announcer: All this month, order Muchentuchen happy lunch and get actions figures from the new movie, Phantom presents Death to Zohan.
[toy blows up]
Announcer: Limit one per customer. America is satan.
-
Zohan: One woman, one zikpah, one life...
-
Business Man #1: I spoke to the manager at Going Out of Business again yesterday. I stated our price and the urgency of the matter, and he offered me 2/3rds less and a Toshiba DVD player.
Business Man #2: Yeah, the people at Everything Must Go were just as difficult. They offered me a Blu-ray disc and a jar of hummus.
Business Man #3: What's hummus?
Business Man #2: It's a very tasty... diarrhea-like substance.
-
James: You want us to get some mud people out'ch-your buildin' so you can build some kind-a roller coaster mall. Sir I just wanna thank you for this opportunity. I mean it's a gift to mess with the Jews and terrorists on the same night. I mean it's like, uh, it's like uh, uh, it's like Christmas in July. Right now we are scheduled to sabotage a black people's parade in Chicago, uh but we could move that.
-
Nasi: People don't like us.
Oori: Come it's not easy for us. People don't like us too.
Hamdi: Why?
Oori: Because they think we're you.
-
computer read-out: [superimposed in Zohan's binoculars] Name: James T. O'Skanlon / Hates: Jews, the Arabs, the Blacks, the Yellows, the French, the Latins, the New York Times, the George Clooney, the Hillary, the Obama, the Whole Foods, the Prius, the dogs in purses, the Oprah, the Ellen, the condoms, and sunsets on the beach. / Likes: the Lethal Weapon 1, the Lethal Weapon 2, the Lethal Weapon 3, what women want. / Occupation: fake Arab for the Walbridge.
-
[last lines]
Zohan's Father: And this is your Palestinian wife.
Zohan: Yes papa.
Zohan's Father: Does she know you're a faygelah?
[chuckling]
Zohan's Father: Congratulations. Now cut my hair...
-
John McEnroe: What's with the cheers? Isn't that guy a terrorist?
Hacky Sack Tournament Celebrity Judge: People used to believe you were one too, Johnny, remember?
John McEnroe: I wasn't a terrorist.
Hacky Sack Tournament Celebrity Judge: You were pretty bad.
You Don't Mess with the Zohan Quotes
Extended Reading
Director: Dennis Dugan
Language: English,Hebrew Release date: June 6, 2008