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Allison: Are you stalking me?
Carl Allen: No, I would never do that. Oh, by the way, the new furniture looks great from the yard.
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Allison: The world's a playground. You know that when you are a kid, but somewhere along the way everyone forgets it.
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Allison: Have you met my friend Ian? He's a computer hacker. He helped me erase your MySpace page, and your band's MySpace page, and your FaceBook page. Happy networking, asshole!
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Carl Allen: The era of "yes" has begun.
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Carl Allen: Was I chewing gum before?
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Carl Allen: Yes!
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Tweed: Can you explain why you were at the airport buying a ticket with no luggage?
Carl Allen: You know it was a spur-of-the-moment trip.
Tweed: Yeah I was just explaining to my partner here how much I've always wanted to see Lincoln, Nebraska.
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Carl Allen: What I have to share is huge... and I want to share it with you.
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Carl Allen: Hey, Carl... you wanna give your money away to some homeless guy? Yes, yes I do. How 'bout letting him use up the phone battery so that you can't get help when your car runs out of gas? You know what? That sounds like a fuckin' great idea!
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Carl Allen: [drunk] Hey... I'm just saying 'yes' to life... 'cause... you gotta say 'yes' to life... I'm in a secret covenant... That sounded naughty!
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Carl Allen: You ever had a Red Bull? Ive never had a Red Bull before, but I had a Red Bull last night - I really like Red Bull.
[shakes his glow-in-the-dark hoop]
Carl Allen: ... got this new... glow in the dark thing... cant really see it right now, unless you go like this...
[holds part of the hoop to his eyes and covers it with his hands]
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Carl Allen: Steph...! I can't... I'm so sorry.
Stephanie: What are you saying?
Carl Allen: ...I'm saying "no."
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Multack: We knew another Carl that we weren't fond of, now did we, Tweed...?
Tweed: ...His name was "Marx."
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Carl Allen: I can't believe I tripped like that.
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[last lines]
Terrence Bundley: YES! Say it a million times. Then say it a million more. And the word you will have said two million times is...
[looks around and sees everyone at the seminar is naked]
Terrence Bundley: Oh, my God.
Yes People: [while covering themselves up as best they can] YES!
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Carl Allen: [incredibly drunk, after losing a bar brawl, said very sadly] She's never gonna go to a ball.
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Allison: [singing with her band] Don't call me past 11 PM, it won't happen again. You can call me at 10:59 but don't call me at 11 because that's my rule now.
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Allison: [singing with her band] Don't call me past 11pm, it won't happen again. Happened once, it happened twice, it happened three times, maybe four times, maybe five times, maybe, maybe it happened six times, but it won't happen seven times.
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[first lines]
Carl Allen: [refusing incoming cell phone call] No.
Carl Allen: [refusing another incoming call] No means no.
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Norman: We! Are! Sparta!
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Norman: You called me Norm!
Carl Allen: Yeah.
Norman: Could that like be my nickname?
Carl Allen: Yeah, I guess.
Norman: Ah nice, I like your style, Car. That could be yours.
Carl Allen: Yeah, Carl's pretty short already but...
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Nick: [listing things he's done since he started saying "yes"] I killed a cow with a bazooka... I'm not proud of that last one.
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Allison: [riding on a motor scooter] Am I going too fast for you?
Carl Allen: Nah. In fact, I think you should go faster. That way if we crash, at least I'll die. I just don't wanna be kept alive artificially.
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Carl Allen: I am gone-o-reha. That didn't sound right.
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Carl Allen: [talking to himself, walking back to town] Why don't you take a late night stroll through the hills and get killed by the Manson family? Don't mind if I do!
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Carl Allen: [while watching Saw on DVD] Oh come on, you're halfway through, just snap it off already!
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Nick: Psh, fine! I wipe my ass with fine!
Carl Allen: ...Wow. Um. Ok?
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Terrence Bundley: You can't audit life, my friend.
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Allison: [singing on stage] I shoulda been the one to break up with you. / He said who are you, who are you? / I wanna snap your neck and spit on you. / He said who are you, who are you?
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Wes: [after telling Carl he's been promoted for making money by giving out so many loans] Nice work, Carl. Now bump my fist.
[Carl bumps fists with Wes]
Norman: [Norman leans forward to join in and bump Wes' fist, but Wes sits back down, ignoring Norman] Ah, I missed it. I was going to fist you.
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Tour Guide: We've got a fainter down in head-removal.
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Wes: At first I thought you might be raiding our coffers.
Carl Allen: I would never do that!
Wes: I would if I could so why wouldn't you?
[uncomfortable silence]
Wes: [Wes laughs like it was a joke]
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Terrence Bundley: [narrating his audiobook] Chapter 26: Words That Rhyme With Yes. Guess. Mess. Tess. That's a name. Less. A word *and* a name.
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[at the seminar, Carl is asked to come on stage but he refuses]
Terrence Bundley: If the molehill won't come to Terrence...
[he slips off his shoes, jumps off the stage and sprints down the aisle towards Carl]
Terrence Bundley: Terrence will come to the molehill!
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Terrence Bundley: You're dead, Carl. You say no to life, and therefore you're not living. You make up excuses to the people around you and to yourself. You're stuck in the same dead-end job, you have been for years. You don't have a girlfriend, you don't have anything close to a girlfriend and you lost the love of your life because she couldn't be with someone who didn't live theirs. And on most nights you're so bored and filled with ennui, you can't even summon the enthusiasm necessary to masturbate. Am I right, Carl?
Yes Man Quotes
Extended Reading
