Wild Hogs Quotes

[first lines]

Dudley Frank: [after getting a fist-tap from Woody and nearly wiping out] Whoa! Whoa! Oh! Man, oh, man. I almost lost it back there. I didn't know what was going on.

[hits a sign face first]

Jack: You're gonna pay a disobedience fee of $10,000! Plus another $40,000 to rebuild the bar! And if you wanna see your friend alive again, do not call the cops! If you're not here in half an hour to settle this, I'm gonna take the fine out on your friend's legs! I'm gonna break 'em with this tire iron!

Dudley Frank: Don't bring the money! I'm a computer programmer! I don't need my legs!

Jack: Fine! I'll break his hands!

Dudley Frank: Oh, damn it. Bring the money!

Dudley Frank: [upon seeing Maggie] She is perfect.

Doug Madsen: You like the waitress?

Dudley Frank: Oh, man. I wanted to say something funny to her, but all I could think of was black jokes.

Bobby Davis: Like which ones?

Dudley Frank: I forget.

Bobby Davis: Why don't you tell the one that ends with you getting your ass whooped.

Dudley Frank: Would that be funny?

Bobby Davis: I'll be laughing. Oh, I'll be cracking up.

Bobby Davis: [after being called out by Jack] Anyone else getting that pre-rape feeling?

Red: [grinning] I do.

Doug Madsen: You're the sheriff, aren't you going out there?

Charley: Hey, I took my law enforcement course on the internet! For arms training they just told us to play Doom!

Woody Stevens: [a large yard is full of a bunch of leaves] Well go home, Toby! You make me sick!

Toby: I can't do this many leaves for $10!

[Woody kicks a pile of leaves]

Dudley Frank: I'm looking foward to the parade this year. I got little Tootsie Rolls to throw to the kids.

Woody Stevens: Tootsie Rolls? You cannot even put on your left blinker without wiping out.

Dudley Frank: And I got a girlfriend. Punch that out of me, bitches.

[gets knocked out]

Maggie: That's too bad. I wanted you to try my chili. It's pretty hot.

Dudley Frank: No, I'll try it. I like your kind of hot. Chili, chili hot. Food hot. That's the hot I want to kiss. Eat.

Charley: Needless to say, we don't carry firearms anymore. Sometimes you pull them out and think they're not loaded, and...

Bobby Davis: You blow your deputy's ear off.

Charley: Yeah.

Woody Stevens: Come on, guys, we're exhausted. I think we should take the bikes back to the hotel, put them in a shed with the doors closed, and then play Scrabble in the room with the shades down.

Doug Madsen: Look Aunt Bea, maybe you want to do something else here in Mayberry!

Doug Madsen: Woody, sorry I said you had ego issues.

Woody Stevens: Sorry I said you were a pussy.

Doug Madsen: You didn't call me a pussy.

Woody Stevens: Well, not to your face, but that's what I was thinking.

Red: When we drink piss, we drink it cold!

Murdock: What?

Red: We don't drink piss!

Doug Madsen: Did he just say "cracker"?

Dudley Frank: "Cracker-ass."

Doug Madsen: Oh, perfect.

Woody Stevens: That's not a discussion.

Dudley Frank: Yeah, that's a lawsuit.

Dudley Frank: What'd you do, Woody?

Woody Stevens: I cut the gas lines of their bikes, and then I maybe blew up their bar.

Doug Madsen: You're the sheriff, why don't you go out there?

Charley: I'm the sheriff of a town of 500 people. I got my qualification from a course on the internet. For my arms training, they just told me to play Doom!

Maggie: You coming back through?

Dudley Frank: Maybe. A biker never knows. A week, a month.

[pauses]

Dudley Frank: Six days, ten hours, 27 minutes, give or take six minutes for wind resistance.

Doug Madsen: Well, what has your wife ever made us?

Bobby Davis: Hard.

Highway Patrolman: 4 counts of indecent exposure... 2 counts of lewd, lascivious behavior, and one count - pure jealousy

Doug Madsen: [shocked] Huh?

Highway Patrolman: [Smiling] How you doing?

Mother-in-Law: In my day, the women stayed home. Not the lazy men.

Bobby Davis: In your day, men were busy building pyramids! How long ago was that?

Bobby Davis: You called The Firm?

Clerk: Some truck driver must have crapped an entire cow in there, man. Good luck. I knew in my gut not to let him go, but I didn't trust my instincts. I saw my father shot, but I did not cry till today. I was robbed yesterday, and I know now, your job is the bad one.

Bobby Davis: You call The Firm?

Clerk: Yeah, men's room. Some trucker musta crapped a whole cow in there. Good luck.

Bobby Davis: [turns to leave]

Clerk: I didn't want to give him the key, but I didn't trust my instincts.

Bobby Davis: [turns to leave]

Clerk: I saw my father shot. I never cry until today.

Bobby Davis: [turns to leave]

Clerk: I got robbed yesterday. And now I know: you have the bad job.

Bobby Davis: Yeah...

Dudley Frank: Hey, guys, does this sound better?

[Revs engine, bike accelerates and crashes]

Dudley Frank: I'm okay, I hit my butt!

Dudley Frank: Thanks, Woody, I feel really safe with you.

Woody Stevens: I noticed that. If you ever lay your head on my back while riding bitch, I'll throw you into traffic!

Dudley Frank: I was just trying to keep the wind out of my face.

Woody Stevens: I felt you smell my neck!

Bobby Davis: Did you smell that man's neck?

Dudley Frank: His cologne is fantastic. It's musky with an oaky finish like a... lawyer cowboy.

Bobby Davis: A lawyer cowboy?

Dudley Frank: I got a tat.

Doug Madsen: Hell just froze over.

Woody Stevens: Let's see it!

Dudley Frank: I'm a biker dude!

[shows tattoo of Apple logo]

Woody Stevens: It's an Apple.

Dudley Frank: I know, it's trademarked, but what are they gonna say... It's in my skin, bitch!

Woody Stevens: Dudley, you have to get rid of that or else I'm going to vomit in your lap.

Dudley Frank: Fine, I'll hang it from a tree.

Woody Stevens: Don't hang it in a tree.

Dudley Frank: Why?

Woody Stevens: Cause bears don't eat shit!

Doug Madsen: [convincing him to go skinny-dipping] Come on...

Woody Stevens: Fine, I will get naked with my gay friends. If any of them look at my junk, I will kill them!

Bobby Davis: I think we better get out of here.

Woody Stevens: No, we'll get out of here at sundown after we've had our beverage.

Dudley Frank: Nice that. Where'd you get it?

Huge Tattooed Biker: Leavenworth. You?

Dudley Frank: Meadow Hills Galleria.

Jack: I knew you assholes the minute I laid eyes on you! Look at the four of you!

Doug Madsen: You don't know us.

Jack: [to Doug] You think I don't know you? You're probably a... podiatrist or an ear-, nose-, and throat-specialist.

Doug Madsen: I wish.

Jack: An orthadontist?

Bobby Davis: Close enough.

Jack: [turns to Bobby] Bobby, guarantee you're hen-pecked! The wife wears the pants!

Bobby Davis: You know my wife?

Jack: [to Dudley] And you, no luck with women. I guarantee you bag your own shit.

Dudley Frank: Wow, you're good. What color am I thinking of?

Jack: Shut up!

[turns to Woody]

Jack: And you, you're the biggest poser of them all... aren't ya, Squinty! Go home!

Jack: Those assholes got balls.

Red: That i'm gonna put them in my mouth and chew on!

Jack: You're gonna put what in your mouth?

Doug Madsen: Woody, remember the theme of this trip? "Whatever", remember? "Whatever?"

Woody Stevens: Okay, fine! Fine. We'll stay the night, and get gas in the morning. Okay.

Doug Madsen: Calm down. I just don't understand what your rush is.

Woody Stevens: I'm not in a rush, man. I just wanna ride, man. I just wanna ride. You know? Sally, ride. You are so weird! You ask some weird shit and say the weirdest things. Why don't you just, what, what?

Woody Stevens: Come on, let's go!

Doug Madsen: What's your rush?

Woody Stevens: Come on, man, it's the open road. Riding free, that's the rush! This isn't freedom, this is a gas station built by the man, a prison for our souls!

Bobby Davis: my soul needs something to drink.

Dudley Frank: We'll get gas at the next station, come on Wild Hogs! Let's go! Woo-hoo!

[last lines]

Doug Madsen, Dudley Frank, Bobby Davis, Woody Stevens: Wild Hogs!

Doug Madsen: Look, guys, sign at the curve of the road!

Bobby Davis: Madrid.

Woody Stevens: Spain?

Jack: Another Wild Hog!

Dudley Frank: Yep. Yep-er-oonie. That's our little gang.

Doug Madsen: Ooh boy, my ass is sore.

Dudley Frank: Mine too, its Woody's fault for riding us so hard yesterday. The human body wasnt made to stradle something that big for that long.

Woody Stevens: Well ya know its gonna hurt a little bit but that's all part of the experience. Its why we didnt bring our wives.

Bobby Davis: Wut da...? What the hell? Someone wanna explain to me why I'm the one in the dirt? When I got sore jaws from 3 hours of blowin...

[notices Highway Patrolman]

Highway Patrolman: Please... Please, for the love of God, finish your sentence.

Damien Blade: [Damien walks up to the Wild Hogs after the Del Fuegos leave] The posers. What do you guys call yourselves?

Woody Stevens: I'm Woody...

[the others say their names]

Damien Blade: [interrupting] No, no... you all riding together? What do you call yourselves?

Dudley Frank: Hogs... Wild Hogs.

[turns around and shows Damien the back of his jacket]

Damien Blade: [laughs] Wild Hogs. Well, Wild Hogs... ride hard or stay home. Oh, and guys... lose the watches.

[he leaves]

Dudley Frank: [to Woody] 60% of motorcycle fatalities can be avoided by using the proper protective headwear.

[holds up his helmet]

Doug Madsen: What's that leather condom gonna protect you from? Snoopy? The Red Baron? Dating?

Jack: [after being confronted by the sheriff and the entire town with makeshift weapons] Well, we'll fight you and the children of the corn too! 'Cause the Del Fuegos don't back down! This is our highway! And we're gonna defend our highway!

Damien Blade: [showing up out of nowhere] Wrong, Jack. It's MY highway.

Jack: [pleasantly surprised] Blade!

Damien Blade: [turns to Maggie] Hi, Maggie.

[she smiles and nods back]

Damien Blade: Hmm... bar burned down.

Jack: Yeah... these posers. These four posers right here.

Damien Blade: Four guys... stand off 50 bikers... and they're the posers.

Jack: Yeah... they burnt down the bar that you built.

Damien Blade: It was a shithole. I insured it for twice what it's worth. The guys did me a favor.

Jack: [contrite] We were just following the code that you wrote.

Damien Blade: Why do you think I don't wear the colors, Jack? Why do you think I ride alone? 'Cause you don't know about it anymore. I think you all oughta get back on your bikes and go out and ride the highway until you remember what riding's all about.

Red: Let it go, Jack.

Jack: [turns to face the four, then to Damien, pats his shoulder] Ok, Pop.

Damien Blade: [shakes his head, smiling] Takes after his mom.

[Jack gets on his bike and leaves, the Del Fuegos follow]

Woody Stevens: [jumps in the water naked, shivering] Whoa, that's cold!

Woody Stevens: Why are you naked?

Dudley Frank: I thought we were doing this wild and free thing. You guys kept your skivvies on?

Doug Madsen: Yeah, there might be snappin' turtles or somethin'.

Bobby Davis: I kept mine on because I didn't want it to get dark in here!

Doug Madsen: Did you ever wake up one morning and wonder what happened to your life?

[Woody nods his head]

Doug Madsen: You know, I thought my life would be an adventure. All of a sudden, I'm a suburban dentist.

Bobby Davis: Look, Doug, I feel your pain, man. I mean I swore I would never return to a job where I had to where condoms on my shoes.

Woody Stevens: You're still at The Firm?

Bobby Davis: Yea. I get yelled at by an ungrateful wife. I swear the whole thing has made me...

Doug Madsen: ...a wimp.

Bobby Davis: I was gonna say miserable.

Bobby Davis: [pause] What? You think I'm a wimp?

Doug Madsen: No, I thought you were gonna say wimp, so I'd thought I'd say it for you.

Woody Stevens: You're a wimp, Bobby. I'll say it. I mean you're afraid of women. It's kinda embarrassing.

Dudley Frank: I'm afraid of women.

Woody Stevens: You're afraid to talk to women. Bobby's afraid they'll kill him in his sleep.

[Doug and Woody laugh]

Dudley Frank: Wow... now I'm really afraid of women.

Woody Stevens: The trip is over because some tattooed bullies pushed us around?

Doug Madsen, Bobby Davis: Yeah.

[after Woody has slapped a bull, Doug goes out to also slap it]

Earl Dooble: Yeah, and we never seen it done twice in a row.

Woody Stevens: What?

Earl Dooble: It'll be interesting to see how the bull takes being slapped now that he's alert.

Woody Stevens, Bobby Davis: Alert?

Bobby Davis: Hey, did y'all see my moves? I was shaking and baking just like the NFL, baby! You hear what I'm saying? I delivered it right to the end zone!

[bull charges and hits Bobby, knocking him into the air]

Jack: You're gonna pay a disobedience fee of $10,000, plus another $40,000 to rebuild the bar. If you don't, we're gonna break your friends legs here.

Dudley Frank: Don't bring the money! I'm a computer programmer! I don't need my legs!

Jack: Fine, we'll break his hands!

Dudley Frank: Oh dammit. Bring the money!

Jack: Those assholes got balls!

Red: That I'm going to put in my mouth and chew on.

Jack: You're gonna put WHAT in your mouth?

[Punches Red]

[Woody, Doug and Bobby are surrounded by mean-looking bikers. Woody takes off his shades and narrows his eyes, in a poor attempt to look intimidating. Doug and Bobby do not understand what he is doing, and the bikers are unimpressed]

Jack: Wh... what is that supposed to be? Is he blind?

Doug Madsen: He wasn't when he walked in here.