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[repeated line]
Alice Klieg: I would like to read from a prepared statement.
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Alice Klieg: I was a summer baby born in 1971 in Simi Valley, California, and I've been using masturbation as a sedative since 1991.
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Alice Klieg: I love your facial expressions.
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Alice Klieg: This morning I woke up and there was a pubic hair on my pillow shaped like a question mark. And it really got me thinking of unanswered questions, like all the times in my life when I was supposed to feel something but I felt nothing and all the other times in my life where i wasn't supposed to feel anything but I felt too much and the people around me weren't really ready for all of my feelings.
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Alice Klieg: Ladies and gentlemen, meatloaf cake, with mashed sweet potato icing, with only 433 calories, 52 grams of protein, and only five caibo-hydrants. I think I'm going to have a slice.
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Alice Klieg: Come with me. Into another time that happened to me.
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Alice Klieg: You docked in my port.
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Rich Ruskin: What did you have in mind?
Alice Klieg: Something big.
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Title Card: I study myself more than any other subject. That is my physics. That is my metaphysics. -Michel de Montaigne
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Dr. Daryl Moffet: [during therapy session] I thought I asked you not to eat.
Alice Klieg: It's a banana. It's in its own container.
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Alice Klieg: Colors help me keep my emotions separate.
Gabe Ruskin: Yeah, I can never keep my emotions separate.
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Alice Klieg: The reckless copulation of our animal kingdom leaves us with a "tis-nammi" of puppies and kitties. Over the next few weeks, I plan to neuter my *own* pets, and any pets any viewers would like to bring by the studio.
Rich Ruskin: [to Dawn in the control room] It's a public service.
Alice Klieg: [now masked with a dog on the table] As you can see, Godzilla is receiving a mixture of oxygen and isoflurane gas. It's really important, as you know, to remove all the hair from the penis and walnuts before we begin. Let's castrate. First cut is the deepest.
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Alice Klieg: [to her dogs on her show] Hey, guys. You want your balls back, I know. There are a lot of things I wish I could change, too. I almost burnt my tits off.
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Gabe Ruskin: You left the TV on.
Alice Klieg: It's been on for 11 years.
Welcome to Me Quotes
Extended Reading
