Van Wilder Quotes

Van Wilder: [while standing pantless next to the freshman] But you know what I've learned in my seven years here at Coolidge... Timmy? I've learned that you can't treat every situation as a life-and-death matter because you'll die a lot of times. Write that down.

Suicidal Freshman: I don't have a pen.

Van Wilder: Well remember that then. And you know something, Timmy? I think you've got the balls to make it here. Call me nuts, but I believe in you.

Gwen: [Mouths] What are you doing here?

Van Wilder: [Mouths] I don't know!

Van Wilder: Sometimes you gotta let your heart lead you... even if you know its someplace you know you're not suppossed to be.

Gwen: And how many times has your heart led you into the women's locker room?

Van Wilder: This would be a first.

Gwen: Why do I find that hard to believe?

Van Wilder: I'm not saying this is the first time I've been in here, just usually it is another part of my anatomy that does the leading.

[repeated line, after giving advice]

Van Wilder: Write that down.

Van Wilder: All you need is scented candles, massage oil, and Barry White. Write that down. Look at me. No cock pump.

Taj: No cock pump. Barry White.

Van Wilder: What is wrong with people today?

Hutch: [taking a hit from a bong] It's the internet dude, it fries their brain cells.

Taj: I would like very much to spend my remaining days here as your assistant.

Van Wilder: Okay, we're just going do a little word association. Say the first thing that comes to your mind. Milk.

Taj: Tit! Oh, mommy. Most Indians would say "cow" because they are sacred, but I hear "milk," I think giant jugs. You see, I cannot go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. Air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder.

Vance Wilder, Sr.: Van is still in school?

Assistant: For the better part of a decade.

Van Wilder: Take your clothes off.

Gwen: I'm not taking off my clothes.

Van Wilder: Well it is the naked mile run, everybody else is in their birthday suit.

[a hairy naked guy runs by]

Van Wilder: Except that guy.

[after a stripper farts in their face]

Van Wilder: Congratulations Taj, your first blow job!

Hutch: I've got a plan. Let's go get fucked up.

Van Wilder: Sounds good.

Panos Patakos: Nobody even knows we're here.

Van Wilder: Au contraire, mon freres.

Richard: You're going to miss the biggest party of the year!

[Crickets chirp]

Jeannie: This party so rocks, Richard!

Richard: This party sucks rectum, Jeannie!

Panos Patakos: How do you put a price on dignity?

Friend: How do you put a price on poonani?

Van Wilder: Whoa, trick or treat. What's going on?

Richard: This vaginal discharge won't let us partake in the party.

Van Wilder: Graphic.

Richard: Gwen, what are you doing here?

Van Wilder: You two know each other?

Richard: That's my girlfriend, gluteus erecti.

Richard: Oh, Gwen! Your labia feels so good around my swollen phallus! Oh! Oh! Oh, I'm fairly confident I'm going to ejaculate. I'm releasing some of my seminal fluids inside of you now!

[grunts and giggles]

Gwen: Are you okay?

Richard: Yeah. Why? Well, didn't you?

Gwen: Well, it's kind of hard in 15 seconds.

Richard: Damn it, Gwen! You know the kind of pressure I'm under with my exams.

Gwen: I'm sorry.

Richard: Look, I'm sorry. This semester's marks could determine in the next 10 years of our lives together. Do you realize that?

Gwen: You know... you shouldn't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive.

Richard: [laughs] What the hell is that supposed to mean? I'm late for my study group.

Van Wilder: Blue - it brings out your eyes. The kid has killer eyes, not unlike yourself - anyone ever tell you that?

Gwen: Yes, my boyfriend.

Van Wilder: Your boyfriend? What's his name?

Gwen: I don't think that's any of your business.

Van Wilder: [Puts on sunglasses and turns away] You're right

Van Wilder: Richard, you rascal, you never told me you were a DIK!

[under his breath]

Van Wilder: Not that you had to.

Van Wilder: Well just take a look at this... ya... doodles... I attended class today just about stayed the whole time too!

Gwen: I'm glad you went to all your classes today.

Van Wilder: And a few that weren't mine, I stepped in the wrong room, liked what I heard... stayed.

Gwen: That's great!

Gwen: I'm doing a human interest piece... on you.

Van Wilder: I'm flattered, I'd love for your piece to be on me.

[looks up at the ceiling and sighs]

Van Wilder: ... But sadly I don't do interviews, never have, never will. Do lunch though.

Richard: Mr. Wilder here is quite the collegian. He's in his, what? sixth year?

Van Wilder: Actually, its lucky number seven.

Taj: [Jumps up] WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT?

Hutch: In your room a few days ago. I'm trying to spark this bong, but the damn thing won't light.

Taj: That's no bong... It's for my shlong.

[Hutch starts coughing and gagging]

Hutch: Hold up, I just put my mouth on your cock-pump?

[Taj nods his head]

Hutch: Oh damn!

Gwen: Well I think it takes a lot more then the kind of underwear one wears to define them as a person.

[Van looks shocked]

Van Wilder: Like what?

[ink blot test]

Stoner Freshman: I see a rabbi, and he's performing a circumcision... on himself though.

Van Wilder: It's a date.

Gwen: It's an interview, not a date.

Van Wilder: Gwen, first dates are interviews.

Taj: Doesn't she have a boyfriend?

Van Wilder: Details. Only details.

McDoogle: Ok, Wilder. Let's dance.

Van Wilder: It's a good day to die, McDoogle.

[while having sex with Jeannie]

Richard: P.S. Shut the fuck up!

[after tasting Jager]

Kid: This tastes like shit! You got any scotch?

[after the dog farted in the tub & his testicles floated to the top]

Van: These things could raise the Titanic!

Vance Wilder, Sr.: Where can I find Van Wilder?

Wasted Guy: In the Guinness Book of World-fucking-Records, man... under "Raddest Fucking Dude Alive"!

Vance Wilder, Sr.: Ok. Thanks.

Wasted Guy: In any one of these three rooms, Gramps.

Van Wilder: What's that intoxicating scent you're wearing Doris?

Ms. Doris Haver: I have cats.

Van Wilder: Meow!

Sally: [straddling Van and kissing him, turns around and sees Gwen walk into Van's room] You must be Gwen, the truck driver

Van Wilder: Gwen?

[chases her outside]

Gwen: What were you doing up there?

Van Wilder: As smashed as I am, I'm pretty sure that was my room...

Van Wilder: [looking back]

Van Wilder: Wasn't it?

Gwen: What was that girl, a freshman?

Van Wilder: She reads at a sophomore level.

[Ms. Haver takes a long swig on some liquor]

Ms. Doris Haver: Oh yeah... that's the shit!

Van Wilder: You know... I think I'm getting a little coldsore come on... so maybe we shouldn't do this for 3 to 6 weeks?

Ms. Doris Haver: Shut up, bitch and give me some sugar!

McDoogle: I've been waiting all these years for you to realize your potential.

Van Wilder: That's why you and I had friction? God, I always thought it was 'cause, 'cause I fooled around with your daughter freshman year.

McDoogle: Why, what... You fooled around with my daughter?

Van Wilder: What?

[Stripper farts, blowing white powder over Van, Hutch and Taj. There is a pause before Van whoops and claps in applause]

Van Wilder: Taj, your first blow job!

Taj: In my country, a woman's mastery of her gastronomical releases is considered the ultimate aphrodisiac!

Van Wilder: I'm all out of love. I'm so lost without you. I know you were right. Believing for so long.

Sally: Dope song. What's it called?

Van Wilder: Gwen Used Me For Her Story, Then Married an Ass Wipe... and Ran Over My Heart With a Big Metaphorical Truck. Originally performed by Air Supply.

Sally: Who's Air Supply?

Van Wilder: How old are you Sally?

Gwen: Is it true this is your seventh year at Coolidge?

Van Wilder: Carry the two, yes that's correct.

Law Club Member: It's ridicoulous, it's preposterous, it's ludicrous... By God it's impetuous!

Hutch: So does that mean you gonna help us?

Law Club Member: Oh it's on!

Gwen: Is Van here?

Hutch: He don't want to see you.

Gwen: Excuse me?

Hutch: Look. Why don't you just leave him alone?

Sick Boy: Home-wrecker.

Van Wilder: [speaking about Gwen's boyfriend Richard] I'll bet he's a tighty whitey guy.

Gwen: Excuse me?

Van Wilder: White, elastic band, constricting. You can tell a lot about a person by the kind of drawers they wear. Like you - granny panties I bet.

Gwen: Does that allude to me being the plain, boring type?

Van Wilder: Mmmm, no.

Van Wilder: [sighs]

Van Wilder: I just wanted the visual.

Van Wilder: Was that a...

[looks away and points]

Van Wilder: Judges ruling? Uh huh. Yeah.

[looks back]

Van Wilder: I do believe that was a joke.

Van Wilder: You guys have had the best GPS the last 50 years.

Panos Patakos: Indeed. But believe it or not, best GPA doesn't get you laid.

Van Wilder: Damn well should.

Van Wilder: I'm sorry, Taj. I'm gonna have to let you go. I don't have the resources to pay for your services anymore.

Taj: A good soldier does not leave his commander just because he lies wounded, arms torn off at the sockets, intestines spilling out onto the mud, picked at by the birds. I will stay on at no charge.

Jeannie: Oh my god! We make such a fab team! Last Night, I was so like Bonnie, and you were so like Clyde. And now this.

Richard: Would you shut up? I'm trying to pleasure you.

Jeannie: Sorry, Richard. Plesure away. PS, this is an awesome room.

Richard: PS, shut the fuck up!

Gwen Pearson: [reading the title of a newspaper article] Light Beer Vs. Dark Beer- The Showdown by Darius Greyson. Is that the same...

Elliot Grebb: Nobel Prize winner Darius Greyson. He's an alumni of our journalism staff. He wrote his best stuff during Detox and still does. I have got a very challenging assignment for you, a story that no one has been able to get.

Gwen Pearson: About what?

Elliot Grebb: No, no. It's about whom.

Elliot Grebb: Brilliant Pearson! I have been excited about how many people enjoy reading about this guy. They want more, and so do I. I want you to do a follow up.

Gwen Pearson: I did your story, Elliot, and I'm not doing another one.

Elliot Grebb: Even if I tell you it's going to be on the front page of the Graduation Issue in two months?

Van Wilder: How old are you, Sally?

Sally: I'm old enough to be jealous of that Gwen girl.

Richard: North Western, I am the shit.

Gwen: [under her breath] You certainly will be.