Vacation Quotes

Debbie Griswold: James, you are not going to fight.

James Griswold: I am not going to stand here like a little bitch.

Rusty Griswold: We're going to Walley World.

Debbie Griswold: What?

Kevin Griswold: This is some bullshit right here!

James Griswold: I've never even heard of the original vacation.

Rusty Griswold: Doesn't matter. The new vacation will stand on its own.

Rusty Griswold: [on ATVs] Are there helmets?

Stone Crandall: Yeah, I keep 'em with the tampons.

[drives off]

Rusty Griswold: It's just basic safety.

Debbie Griswold: Hey, you know, you never told us why you keep that teddy bear on the front of your truck.

Trucker: Oh, it makes the kids feel more comfortable.

Rusty Griswold: Oh yeah? You have kids?

Trucker: No.

Kevin Griswold: There was a hole in the side of my stall.

Rusty Griswold: Sounds like you found yourself a glory hole.

Rusty Griswold: Well, I thought it'd be fun for the kids to see where you went to college.

Debbie Griswold: Oh, God. Why would that be fun for them, honey?

Rusty Griswold: You can give us a tour. Maybe one of them could study there one day.

James Griswold: Oh, no. No way, man. I've got my sights on something a little more Ivy League.

Debbie Griswold: [under her breath] Huh. Little fucker.

James Griswold: What, Ma?

Debbie Griswold: I love you. That's what I said.

James Griswold: Mom, do you think Uncle Stone will let me ride his horse?

Debbie Griswold: I don't see why not.

Kevin Griswold: Do think I can shoot his guns?

Debbie Griswold: No, you cannot.

Kevin Griswold: Too bad.

Kevin Griswold: [to James] I would've shot you right off that fuckin' horse.

Rusty Griswold: Maybe for lunch we can find a burger place. You know, like a... Like a drive-through burger place.

James Griswold: I don't know, Dad. I think we should steer clear of that.

Rusty Griswold: Good one, James.

Debbie Griswold: All right, enough, you guys. Dad hit a cow, okay? Let's just moo-ve on.

Kevin Griswold: Oh, I got one.

Rusty Griswold: Yeah, let's hear it.

Kevin Griswold: James is a piece of shit.

Rusty Griswold: Kinda missed the point there, buddy.

Adena: So, what do you feel like doing?

James Griswold: Heh. I don't know. Can I give you a rim job?

Adena: [surprised] Whoa... No. What?

James Griswold: I don't know.

Adena: What's wrong with you?

James Griswold: I don't know. I'm sorry. What did you wanna do?

Adena: I don't know. I thought maybe we could... kiss or something?

James Griswold: Well, yeah, that's what I thought...

Rusty Griswold: It's no big deal. We'll just tell Stone and Audrey what happened. Kids, remember what happened?

James Griswold: We pulled over to rescue a baby from a burning car... and somebody stole all of our stuff while we were distracted.

Rusty Griswold: And why are we naked and covered in feces?

James Griswold: ...I don't remember.

James Griswold: That's right. We don't remember.

Debbie Griswold: He doesn't save anybody's life.

Stone Crandall: Doesn't he? Well, every time he flies that little plane of his, he's saving lives by not crashing. That makes him a hero.

Stone Crandall: If you're up for it I can always use an extra set of hands.

Rusty Griswold: Well, I was born with an extra set of hands.

Stone Crandall: That's an odd thing to say, heh. But I reckon this'll be the highlight of your trip.

Harry Co-Pilot: I wanna thank you for going to bat for me last week.

Rusty Griswold: I was happy to do it. Just because corporate says you're too old to fly doesn't make it true. You're more qualified than us younger guys.

Harry Co-Pilot: Means a lot to me

Rusty Griswold: Sure thing.

Harry Co-Pilot: [after a pause] Oh, and Rusty?.. I wanna thank you for going to bat for me last week.

Rusty Griswold: [to himself] Yeah... you bet.

Adena: Hey, what happened with that perv who was hitting on you in Arkansas?

James Griswold: That was actually my dad. He was trying to be my wingman.

Colorado Cop: These people are clearly in the state of Colorado. That's my jurisdiction.

Arizona Cop: Juris-dick in my ass, Kyle. Look at her left foot. Smack-dab in Arizona. You weed-legalizing, Mile-High piece of shit.

Utah Cop: Hey, there's no reason for that language.

Arizona Cop: Sorry, Officer Mormon. You don't like that? I have an idea. Why don't you plug up your ears with Mitt Romney's dick?

Debbie Griswold: Honey, is that a swastika on there?

Rusty Griswold: Yeah. We won't use that.

Kevin Griswold: You have such a vagina.

Rusty Griswold: Okay, enough, enough. Now, young man, we talked about the bullying of your older brother. That's right. We don't make fun of someone just because they're different.

James Griswold: I don't have a vagina.

Rusty Griswold: I'm just saying, if you did it wouldn't be okay for Kevin to tease you about your vagina.

James Griswold: Why are you making it sound like I have a vagina?

Rusty Griswold: I know you don't have a vagina. I'm not doing that.

Rusty Griswold: That's a 2015 Tartan Prancer.

Debbie Griswold: Did you say "Tartan," honey'!

Rusty Griswold: Yeah. Tartan's the Honda of Albania.

James Griswold: Why'd you get an Albanian car, Dad?

Rusty Griswold: Renting a family car on Memorial Day weekend doesn't leave you with a lot of options. But this baby is pretty sweet. It's got all the latest Albanian technology.

Debbie Griswold: I was a Tri-Pi a long time ago, so... In fact, the Chug Run was my idea.

Heather: It was?

Debbie Griswold: Yeah.

Heather: Wait, are you Debbie Fletcher?

Debbie Griswold: Yeah

Heather: Oh, my shit. Oh, my shit! I can't believe it's you! Guys, come here! Bring over the book! It's Debbie fucking Fletcher.

Debbie Griswold: How do you know who I am?

Heather: Oh, my God, are you kidding me? You're like a legend at Tri-Pi. You're Debbie Do-Anything!

Rusty Griswold: [astonished] Debbie Do-Anything?

Rusty Griswold: I think I know my wife pretty well, and she wouldn't have done any of those things.

Debbie Griswold: But you know what? What's important is not whether I did them or I didn't do them. What's important is that you guys are idolizing very bad behavior here.

Heather: Uh, ew, you don't sound like Debbie Do-Anything...

Rusty Griswold: Never heard that laugh before. I don't like it.

Debbie Griswold: Hold my bag.

Rusty Griswold: Why? You're not actually going on this thing.

Debbie Griswold: Yes, I am. This Chug Run raised thousands of dollars for charity, all right? I might not have gotten good grades while I was here, but at least I did something.

Rusty Griswold: It sounds like you did a lot. You stuck your finger in the dean's penis.

Debbie Griswold: It's not important what I stuck my finger in and what I burnt down. What is important... is that these bitches are disrespecting me.

Rusty Griswold: Bitches?...

James Griswold: [surprised] What's Mom doing?

Rusty Griswold: She's, uh, teaching these bitches a lesson.

Kevin Griswold: [in awe] This is the best thing I've ever seen.

James Griswold: Why is she puking so much?

Rusty Griswold: It's for ass burgers.

Adena: I have a penis.

James Griswold: What?

Adena: It's on your guitar.