Twister Quotes

[Spotting a tornado]

Beltzer: That's no moon, that's a space station!

[about Bill's new fiancée, while in his truck]

Bill: She's a... a therapist.

Jo: Oh... Yours?

Bill: Christ, you couldn't resist, could you?

Jo: What? I'm not saying you *need* therapy.

Bill: What? Wait, wait, wait, I need therapy?

Jo: I didn't say that. I didn't *say* that.

Bill: What could I possibly need a therapist for? Huh? You're the doctor, tell me!

Jo: I don't know... inability to finish things?

Bill: "Inability to finish things"?

Jo: Maybe rushing into things you can't quite commit to.

Bill: Commitment?

Jo: You asked!

Jo: [in her truck] Can I drive?

Bill: No!

Jo: Then would you?

Bill: [noticing truck has drifted off the road and is about to run into a parked vehicle] Whoa!

Dusty: [after a pair of tornadoes spun Bill's truck around a few times] Red meat. We crave sustenance.

Jo: No, guys. We are not invading my aunt.

Dusty: Food.

Dusty, Rabbit: [others join in] Food.

Dusty, Rabbit, Beltzer: [the rest join in] FOOOOOOOOD!

Jo: Hey! We are absolutely not going.

Dr. Jonas Miller: [explaining what his own version of Dorothy can do when Bill uppercuts him in the face] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Bill: You son of a bitch. What'd you think, I wouldn't find out?

[grabs Jonas by his shirt and begins to fight]

Dr. Jonas Miller: What is the matter with you?

Bill: You stole my design, you son of a bitch.

[continues to fight with Jonas then Bill's team and Jonas' team breaks them up]

Dr. Jonas Miller: The hell are you talking about?

Bill: Dorothy. You took her, you damn thief.

Dr. Jonas Miller: [realizes what Bill is talking about] Oh, I get it. You want to take credit for MY design.

Bill: She was OUR idea and you know it.

Dr. Jonas Miller: Unrealized idea... unrealized.

Bill: Jo. Things go wrong. You can't explain it, you can't predict it. Killing yourself wo'nt bring your dad back. I'm sorry that he died, but that was a long time ago. You gotta move on. Stop living in the past, and look what you got right in front of you.

Jo: What are you talking about?

Bill: Me, Jo.

[Bill needs Jo's signature on divorce papers]

Jo: So you want the papers?

Bill: I did drive all the way out here for 'em.

Jo: They're signed and ready.

Bill: Good, good. Let's see 'em.

Jo: Do you need them right this second?

Bill: Well, it'd be nice.

Jo: What's the urgent urgency? You act like you're getting married.

Bill: I am.

Jo: [after a shocked pause] Wow.

Bill: Yeah.

Jo: [while talking to her truck as Bill follows her] Is it Melinda?

Bill: Melissa.

Jo: Wasn't there a Melinda in there somewhere?

Bill: No, there's only been Melissa since you.

Jo: Boy, not much for browsing are you?

[talking to a psychiatric patient on the phone]

Melissa: She did not marry your penis... Okay, alright, she didn't only marry your penis.

[crying with fright after a pair of tornadoes spun their truck around a few times]

Melissa: When you used to tell me that you chase tornadoes, deep down I always just thought it was a metaphor.

[after spotting Jonas being interviewed by a reporter on TV in the living room of Meg's home]

Jo: He really is in love with himself. I thought it was just a summer thing.

Jo: [crawling up a ditch with Bill] Where's my truck...?

[the truck crashes back to earth, right in the middle of the road, in front of the truck Melissa is driving]

Jo: There it is.

Aunt Meg: [referring to Bill] He didn't keep his part of the bargain, did he?

Jo: [while getting dressed after taking a shower] Which part?

Aunt Meg: To spend his life pining for you, and die miserable and alone.

Jo: Is that too much to ask?

Jo: [cow flies by in the storm while in Bill's truck] Cow.

[cow flies by in the storm]

Jo: another cow.

Bill: Actually I think that was the same one.

Jo: [referring to Mellissa, while in her truck] She's nice.

Bill: Ha!

Jo: Uh oh. She's not nice?

Dusty: [seeing Bill for the first time in a long time] The extreme! IT'S THE EXTREME!

Bill: Oh, man. Don't start that shit.

Beltzer: [over the radio, referring to Jo and Bill arguing] Hey, you guys want to wrap this up pretty soon?

Bill: [over the radio] What?

Beltzer: Oh, nothing. I was just wondering if you wanted to chase this tornado, or if you just wanted to catch the next one.

Bill: Shit!

Jo: Have you lost your nerve?

Bill: Tighten your seatbelt.

Rabbit: [at her home at the dining table, eating steak and eggs] God, Meg, you've got a lot of beef. Where did you get all this beef?

Meg Greene: Did you see my cows out front?

Rabbit: No.

Meg Greene: Oh!

Dusty: You slaughter your own cows, Meg, nice.

Dusty: [to Mellissa, at Meg's home at her dining table, eating steak and eggs while pouring gravy onto her mashed]

[potatoes]

Dusty: ] Meg's gravy is famous. It's practically a food group.

[to a terrified Melissa]

Dusty: Did you just miss that truck? That's awesome! That's AWESOME!

Dusty: Jo, Bill, it's coming! It's headed right for us!

Bill: It's already here!

[Aunt Meg is being loaded into an ambulance]

Jo: Is she OK?

Paramedic: We'll probably keep her overnight just to be safe.

Aunt Meg: Overnight, forget it, I'm all right.

Jo: You're going to the hospital.

Aunt Meg: OK, I'll go, but I'm gonna drive myself.

Rabbit: [standing next to her] Honey, your car is in a tree around the corner.

Aunt Meg: OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

[Jonas is watching the doppler]

Dr. Jonas Miller: Looking good. Looking real good. Okay, about 4 miles down hang a right, deploy and we'll be done.

Eddie: Uh, Dr. Miller?

[Jonas looks up in time to see the twister change direction]

Dr. Jonas Miller: Shit... shit! It's moving away! God!

Eddie: Looks like they're going to intercept.

[Jonas spots Bill's team moving in]

Dr. Jonas Miller: [Over radio] Dammit, Tony, I thought you said this thing was gonna stay on the same heading!

[Watching Jo and Bill approaching a tornado on a video camera]

Dusty: They're in the bear cage!

[Seeing Jonas's team arriving after the first tornado wrecks Jo's truck]

Rabbit: Hey, the auto club's here.

[Jo is salvaging belongings from her crashed truck and looking at Bill's new truck]

Jo: You got full coverage on that truck?

Bill: Liability only.

Jo: [thoughtfully] Liability only...

Jo: It's a very pretty truck.

Melissa: [smiling] Thank you.

Bill: Don't even think about it.

[Jo keeps cleaning out her truck]

Bill: No way.

[Jo and Bill are trying to hide from the F5 in a barn but see it's full of sharp metal farming implements]

Jo: My god, who are these people?

Bill: I don't think so!

[Bill and Jo are in the shed hiding from the F5 tornado and bill sees water pipes coming out of the floor]

Bill: Here! These pipes go down at least thirty feet, if we anchor to them we might have a chance!

Melissa: [before they shake hands] Uh... it was nice meeting you.

Aunt Meg: Likewise. You better run.

Dusty: [holding onto the drivers side window] Fashionably late again, eh Jonas? Fashionably late. Gimme kiss baby!

[kisses Eddies cheek]

Eddie: Get outta here!

Dusty: [laughing; points at Eddie as they drive by] Loser! Move on!

Dusty: [to Melissa] Jo's gonna flip when she sees he's back!

Bill: [while walking away to find Jo] I'm not back!

Joey: [Computer beeps] We've got a touchdown!

Laurence: [On radio] We have touchdown! Touchdown! Tornado is on the ground!

Haynes: [Hands radio to Beltzer] Listen to this!

Laurence: Looks like it's heading down Route 33.

Bill: Jo, we're on 33.

Jo: What's the path?

Laurence: Looks like it's going about 35 mph.

Rabbit: [Looking around] Can you see this?

Allan Sanders: I can not see this. Where is it? Hello? Which way you guys looking?

Bill: Where, where, where...

Jo: Direction, Rabbit.

Rabbit: North northeast!

Beltzer: Do you see it?

Haynes: No.

Rabbit: North northeast, you copy?

Bill: Shit, it's coming right at us!

Laurence: Axis has gone vertical, gone vertical. Sucker's really gaining up strength.

Jo: You see it?

Bill: No...

[Takes radio]

Bill: Beltzer! We do not have a visual. Repeat, we do not have a visual. Help us out here!

Jo: Where is it?

Beltzer: Yeah, I got it Billy. Best motion I've ever seen. Looks like the base of this sucker's at least a half mile wide.

Bill: Rabbit?

Rabbit: If you are going east on 7, it should be coming right over that hill in a matter of minutes!

Allan Sanders: This is the one man, I feel it.

Jo: [in the truck, discussing Bill's current life changes] Hey, as long as you're happy...

Bill: I AM. I AM happy. I'm a happy person. I'm happy with my life. I'm happy with the way things are going in my life. I'm happy with... with...

Jo: Melissa?

Bill: I know her name! YES. I'm happy... with... Melissa!

Beltzer: Hey there professor, I think I fixed it.

Jo: [dish sparks while standing on top of his van] Fuck me, this thing is useless!

Beltzer: Sorry, Jo.

Jo: [dish works] That's good!Thats Good! Beltzer get me a reading.

Beltzer: Hang on a second, boss lady, hold your horses. Which way you want it, Jo?

Jo: Looks like the dry line has stalled. A sector scan of West North-West look for rotation and increase the PRF.

Dusty: [after first tornado, Dusty walks over to Jo's crashed truck while she's grabbing things out of it, laughing and noticing DOROTHY I still strapped in the bed, damaged] Well there's some good news, it *did* fly. What was it like?

Jo: It was windy.

Dusty: Windy.

[snorts]

Dusty: That's intense.

Jo: [before breaking one of the windows in her truck by kicking it] All right, move it, Dusty!

Dusty: [jokingly, raises his arms defensively] That's intense!

Beltzer: [over the radio] Normal man spends his life avoiding tense situations.

Dusty: [over the radio] Repo Man spends his life getting into tense situations, Beltzer!

[after the twister has passed]

Bill: It's gone... it's gone.

Jo: [looking behind them] Where's my truck?

[cut to road; truck crashes to the ground in front of Melissa in Bill's truck]

Melissa: [screams]

Jo: There it is!

Dusty: Jo! Bill! Did you see that explosion?

Jo: [having just driven through the exploding petroleum truck with Bill] Yeah, we saw it.

[last lines]

Allan Sanders: Hey Jo and Bill, check out that sky!

Jo: You know what? I think we've seen enough.

[turns and kisses Bill]

Rabbit: Look, all I'm saying is don't fold the maps.

Allan Sanders: I didn't fold the maps.

Rabbit: Yeah, well Kansas is a mess, there's a big crease right through Wichita. ROLL the maps.

Dr. Jonas Miller: Today, we're gonna make history, so stick around. 'Cause the days of sniffing the dirt are over.

Laurence: Better than what *you* sniff.

Bill: We'll see who gets there first... "pal".

Dr. Jonas Miller: [to Bill] Oh, by the way. I really enjoy your weather reports.

[Jonas' crew laugh]

Bill: [runs at Jonas] You slime! I'm not through with you yet!

[Jo's crew break up the fight]

Laurence: [of Jonas] He's a corporate kiss-butt, man!

Dusty: [while watching Jonas on television at Meg's home at her dining table, eating steak and eggs] Oh God, he sucks.

Rabbit: Oh, shut up. Get him off.

[Bill turns off the televsion]

Jo: [about Jonas] He is so in love with himself. I thought it was just a summer thing.

Joey: [Discussing at Meg's on the tornadoes they have seen so far at Meg's home at her dining table, eating steak and eggs] No, that was a good size twister. What was it, an F3?

Bill: Solid F2.

Melissa: See, now you have lost me again.

Bill: It's the Fujita scale. It measures a tornado's intensity by how much it eats.

Melissa: Eats?

Bill: Destroys.

Laurence: That one we encountered back there was a strong F2, possibly an F3.

Beltzer: Maybe we'll see some 4's.

Haynes: That would be sweet!

Bill: 4 is good. 4 will relocate your house very efficiently.

Melissa: Is there an F5?

[Everyone goes dead silent]

Melissa: What would that be like?

Jason 'Preacher' Rowe: The Finger of God.

Melissa: None of you has ever seen an F5?

Bill: ...Just one of us.

[Looks upstairs, indicating Jo]

Jo: [in the middle of an argument chasing the first tornado, veering off the road] Do you want me to drive?

Bill: [while looking at Jo instead of road] No!

Jo: [Seeing they are heading for a large combine parked along the side of the road] Then would you?

[Bill swerves to avoid]

Bill: [after the tornado pass by them at the drive in movie theater] Honey, it's Meg. I gotta go.

Melissa: I'm going back.

Bill: Good, good, you'll be safe at the motel. I'll see you in the morning.

Melissa: I won't be there.

Bill: What? Why? What are you saying?

Melissa: I'm saying goodbye.

Bill: No...

Melissa: You know what? I can't compete with this. I don't even know where to start.

Bill: Wait, don't do this now, please.

Melissa: Sooner or later it would have ended, we both know that. The funny thing is... I'm not that upset. What does that mean?

Bill: I never meant for any of this to happen,

Melissa: Oh Billy, I know. It's okay. You go ahead. She needs you. I hope that Aunt Meg's okay.

Bill: What about you?

Melissa: Oh, don't worry about me. I know my way home.

Melissa: [at Meg's home at her dining table, eating steak and eggs] Why do you call Billy "The Extreme?"

Dusty: Because Billy *is* "The Extreme."

Jason 'Preacher' Rowe: Bill is the most outta control son of a bitch in the game!

Bill: [looking at Jo] No, I think I came in second.

Dusty: So we get this one near Daleton, right?

Rabbit: Oh, God.

Jo: You guys have got to get some new stories. I'm gonna go wash up.

Dusty: And we are way too close. And Jo's got the vid on it right, she's filming it. And all of the sudden outta nowhere, this shitty lookin' green Valiant comes pulling up right in the way.

Beltzer: [points to Bill] And this loser stumbles out of the car, he's got like a bottle of Jack Daniel's in his hand...

Dusty: He's naked!

Rabbit: He is *butt* naked!

Beltzer: Naked!

Bill: NOT naked! I was NOT naked!

Beltzer: [whispering & laughing in Melissa's ear] He was without apparel.

Bill: Half naked.

Dusty: Naked. Ok, so Jo's yelling at him to get out of the way, right?

[all laugh]

Dusty: And he just strolls up to the twister, says 'have a drink', and he chucks the bottle into the twister, and it NEVER hits the ground.

Jason 'Preacher' Rowe: The twister caught it, and sucked it right up!

Bill: [directing towards Melissa] Honey, this is a tissue of lies. See, there was another Bill, an evil Bill, and I killed him.

Bill: [Rabbit is leading them through a field as a short cut to get ahead of Jonas] This is a field, Rabbit.

Rabbit: I know, keep going beyond it, right through that brush. See that brush right in front of you?

Bill: Yeah we see the brush, what's beyond that?

Rabbit: Beyond what?

Jo: Beyond what? Beyond the brush!

Bill: The brush, a brick wall, a bearded lady, what?

Rabbit: Oh, um... it's the highway, it's the highway.

Jo: [the team seems to be heading into nothing but taller brush] Where's the road, Rabbit?

Allan Sanders: Yeah where's the road man?

Rabbit: It should be any moment.

Bill: Watch out!

[Without warning, Jo almost slams right into Jonas's van as they reach the highway. The rest of Jo's team also force much of Jonas's caravan off the road]

Jason 'Preacher' Rowe: [Sarcastically] Hello! Shit.

Bill: Melissa? Oh honey!

Melissa: I always thought you chased tornadoes! Deep down I thought it was just a metaphor!

Bill: Christ, I'm sorry! I didn't know!

Aunt Meg: You go stop it.

Jo: I don't know how.

Aunt Meg: Oh, I think you do.