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Tucker: [whiping blood out of his eyes] Are you okay?
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Tucker: He's heavy for half a guy.
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Dale: That's a PBR, buddy.
Tucker: That-that's a thing of beauty.
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Tucker: [Unsure of what to say to the sheriff] Oh hidy-ho officer, we've had a doozy of a day. There we were minding our own business, just doing chores around the house, when kids started killing themselves all over my property.
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Jason: You shouldn't be smoking anyway, Chloe. It's not good for you.
Chloe: Yeah, well, fucking dying isn't good for you either, but that doesn't seem to be stopping anybody!
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Dale: You thought I looked like some kind of freak?
Allison: We misjudged you Dale. I'm... I'm really sorry.
Dale: Don't be sorry, it's my fault. I should have known if a guy like me talked to a girl like you, somebody would end up dead.
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Tucker: When you see a college girl prancin' around in front of you half naked, you do not call out my name!
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Tucker: All right... I know what this is.
Dale: What?
Tucker: This is a suicide pact.
Dale: It's a what?
Tucker: These kids are coming out here, and killing themselves all over the woods.
Dale: My God, that makes so much sense.
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Tucker: Holy shit. We have go to hide all of the sharp objects!
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Dale: [the sheriff is stumbling around with a board nailed to his skull] How is he even walking right now, Tuck?
Tucker: He looks like he's gonna walk it off, he's gonna be fine!
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Dale: [after a spear lands between his legs] I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad I'm not hung like a bear.
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Dale: [Allison is terrified of him when he first comes into her room] Uh-oh-oh, it's the pancakes! You don't like pancakes, I will get you sumpin' else!
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Tucker: [hands him a nail gun] Cover me.
Dale: I ain't never shot at nobody before.
Tucker: If it helps, think of 'em like moving two-by-fours.
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Dale: Do some of your friends take medication?
Allison: Why?
Dale: Because I think they forgot to take it.
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Dale: You want a killer hillbilly? I'll show you a killer hillbilly.
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Allison: What was that?
Dale: Anthemis nobilis
Allison: Huh?
Dale: It's the ingredient in camomile tea that causes allergic reactions in rare cases... Like I said, I remember weird stuff.
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Allison: Wait, wait! Everyone just stop for a second and let's talk this out, okay? Nobody wants to hurt anyone.
Tucker: [as he favors the hand with the fingers that Chad cut off] You could've fooled me!
Chad: Fuck off, hillbilly!
Tucker: Eat shit, body perm!
Allison: Wait! Wait! How 'bout I make some tea and we all sit and talk this out.
Tucker: S-s-sounds like a good idea. I'll provide the finger sandwiches!
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Dale: [after seeing Tucker's fingers wrapped in his shirt] Oh my God, they cut off his bowling fingers!
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Tucker: [Dale is attracted to one of the college co-eds at the gas station, but hesitates to try to go talk to her] She's just human. Why don't you go over and talk to her?
Dale: Talk to her? What... What in the world would I say?
Tucker: I don't know... Tell her that you got a vacation home. That'll probably impress her.
Dale: Are you out of your mind, Tucker? They're college girls, and they grew up with vacation homes and guys like me fixing their toilets!
Tucker: You've gotta' have some faith in yourself, man. Girls can *smell* fear. Now, come on! You are a good lookin' man... more or less. You got a damned good heart. I mean, that's two things right there. Now go on, get over there! What... what's the worst that could happen?
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Sheriff: [Talking to Tucker and Dale, after he's pulled them over] Where are you two headed?
Tucker: We're headed to our vacation home up by Morris Lake. I sank every penny I had into it... me and Dale here, we're gonna' go fix her up, then do a little fishin'. He's been strikin' out by the ladies, I figure a little *man* time might do him some good.
Sheriff: [Gives them a hard look] There ain't nothin' up there but pain and suffering on a scale you can't even imagine.
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Chad: [Comes up to Tucker, who is hanging upside down] I've never stood so close to pure evil before.
Chad: [Sniffs close to Tucker's face] It kinda' stinks.
Tucker: It said it was 24-hour protection!
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Chad: It's time for you to feel *my* pain!
Dale: I'm ready, frat bitch!
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Allison: It's true, Chad. You're half hillbilly.
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Chad: There is no truth! Everything is a lie!
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Tucker: What am I supposed to say, Dale? "Oh hidy-ho officer! We've had a doozy of a day. There we were minding our own business, just doing chores around the house when kids started killing themselves all over my property."
Dale: Yeah, yeah, just like that.
Tucker: They're never gonna believe that.
Dale: But that's exactly what happened!
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Allison: I have this stupid dream...
Dale: Dreams are not stupid.
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Dale: I told you, Tucker. I'm a zero with the ladies... they hate my face!
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Tucker: This vacation sucks.
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Dale: [when going for the last beer] That's okay Tuck. You take that. It's yours.
Tucker: See that's why you're never gonna get ahead in life. It's cause you don't stick up for yourself.
Dale: [Dale reaching for last beer, Tucker smacks Dale's hand] "OW!"
Tucker: Do not even think about it.
Dale: But you just said...
Tucker: Are you kidding me?
Dale: [Tucker smacks Dale's hand] "OW!"
Tucker: Are you serious?
[snaps open beer top]
Tucker: What'd I just say?
Dale: You said I gotta stick up for myself.
Tucker: I said "don't even think about it, though" That was the last thing I said.
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Dale: How you feelin'?
Tucker: I am feeling high on prescription medication.
Tucker and Dale vs Evil Quotes
Extended Reading
