Tower Heist Quotes

[from trailer]

Josh Kovacs: The average apartment in the Tower costs 5.6 million dollars. We have the best views, the most advanced security systems, but you know what these people are really buying?

Rick Malloy: White neighbors?

[from trailer]

Josh Kovacs: Several years ago, he was asked to manage all your pensions. Right now, they're saying that anyone who invested with Mr Shaw has been frauded.

Odessa Montero: Did he get your money too?

Josh Kovacs: ...Yeah. He did.

[from trailer]

Arthur Shaw: You people are working stiffs, clock-punchers. Easily replaced.

Josh Kovacs: I don't care what it takes. I will find a way to make it right.

[from trailer]

Cole Howard: We're not criminals. We don't know how to steal...

Josh Kovacs: Don't worry. I know someone who does.

[from trailer]

Slide: How come you bailed me out? Man, I don't even know your name!

Josh Kovacs: You don't remember Mrs Schaltzberg? We used to get dropped at her house every day for daycare! Heavy-set German woman, short goatee.

Slide: You the little seizure boy that's having seizures all the time!

Josh Kovacs: Asthma doesn't cause seizures!

[from trailer]

Slide: You know this was a bad idea, right?

Josh Kovacs: That's it, I don't want you talking to me for the rest of the robbery!

[from trailer]

Slide: A robbery can change very quickly. You have to be ready to adapt to the situation at any moment. Anything can happen. I was on a job a few days ago and my homie got shot in the face!

Josh Kovacs: If you get shot in the face, it's over.

Slide: If you get shot in your HEAD, it's over. If you get shot in your FACE, the bullet will go through your cheek and come out the other side! Then, what you gonna do?

Cole Howard: Die! We're all gonna die!

[from trailer]

Odessa Montero: First thing you gotta do, you gotta find the entry point. You gotta use your fingers, and you find the entry point.

[Slide looks at Odessa]

Odessa Montero: You married?

Slide: No, I ain't married. What's up?

[from trailer]

Cole Howard: If anybody needs me, I'll be living in this box...

[from trailer]

Cole Howard: I'm thinking of becoming a male prostitute...

Josh Kovacs: I think I might have a better idea.

[from trailer]

Rick Malloy: We're gonna go to jail! We're gonna die! Probably both!

Josh Kovacs: Yes! Yes! Yes! Join me!

[from trailer]

Slide: Today I teach you how to pick a lock with a bobby pin! Here's your bobby pin, here's your bobby pin, and here's your punk-ass bobby pin! You unlock the door, or you gonna freeze to death! I'm gonna be inside having sex with Rita!

Cole Howard: Who's Rita?

[from trailer]

[at a posh restaurant]

Slide: We can order whatever we like, lunch is on me...

[holds up a bag with a cockroach in it]

Odessa Montero: You mess with me, you're a dead man. NOW DROP IT!

Slide: Okay, alright, alright, alright. I'm putting it down right now. Take it easy.

[drops his gun]

[from trailer]

Slide: I will blow your face CLEAN OFF your face!

Special Agent Dansk: [stops Odessa at the entrance to Mr. Shaw's apartment] Sorry, no cleaning now.

Odessa Montero: It's okay. I'll come back. Do you want some cake?

[picks up the drug-laced slice of birthday cake off her cleaning cart]

Odessa Montero: We're celebrating a birthday downstairs.

Special Agent Dansk: No, thank you.

[goes back to his newspaper]

Odessa Montero: It's amazing cake. Are you sure?

Special Agent Dansk: I'm allergic to chocolate. I break out in hives. I can't touch it.

[Odessa smiles then turns away as her smile turns into a frown. She puts the cake back on her cart and walks behind it]

Odessa Montero: BUMBACLOT!

[rams her cart into Dansk, knocking him out. He falls out of his chair and onto the floor]

Odessa Montero: You should've tried the cake, man.

Cole Howard: [to Devro] Devro, will you please remind Mr. Shaw?

Rick Malloy: [to Shaw] I'm very sorry, Mr. Shaw, but we don't accept tips at the tower.

Rick Malloy: What are you doing?

Josh Kovacs: I'm sacrificing my Queen.

Josh Kovacs: To get in the building, we have to avoid seven exterior cameras and six doormen who work at two entrance points in rotating shifts. Once inside, we'll be faced with four security officers who monitor a bank of twelve internal cameras, as well as two security guards who vary the patrol route each day. If we make it through all that, we still have to get through this gauntlet of employees to get to the elevators. Questions?

Slide: Yeah! Who that girl in the red dress? She got the kind of titties I like to play with.

Cole Howard: That's Mary-Ann from sales; she's a lesbian.

Josh Kovacs: Okay, that's irrelevant.

Mr. Fitzhugh: Mary-Ann is a lesbian? She was married when she sold me my unit.

Cole Howard: She makes lesbian sex with Lynn Rutherford from accounting.

Josh Kovacs: Okay.

Cole Howard: Lynn is a lesbian?

Rick Malloy: Wait, I'm lost. How many lesbians total do we have to avoid?

Josh Kovacs: None; we're not avoiding lesbians.

Slide: I don't avoid lesbians at all; I seek lesbians out. Lesbians got the nicest titties. Straight women, they have guys pulling and yanking on them and sweating on them. Lesbians get touch delicately by other lesbians; It's nice.

Josh Kovacs: Did anyone just take in what I just said?

Cole Howard: Well, it seems like there's a gauntlet of lesbians.

Josh Kovacs: No. The... Alright, I'm just gonna keep going.

Josh Kovacs: Do you like working here?

Enrique Dev'Reaux: I cry at night.

Cole Howard: Manuel, do you think something strange is going on?

Manuel: They cut Miss Piggy from the parade... I think that's strange.