Top Secret! Quotes

Hillary Flammond: My uncle was born in America.

Nick Rivers: Oh, really?

Hillary Flammond: But he was one of the lucky ones. He managed to escape in a balloon during the Jimmy Carter presidency.

[Doctor Flamond is being rescued. He is scooping dirt with a tablespoon]

Doctor Flamond: How ironic. Another day and I would have completed my tunnel.

Nick Rivers: [Bends down to a hole in the wall to see a stock photo of the Lincoln tunnel to New Jersey] Nice work!

Deja Vu: Nigel, what are you saying?

Nigel: How do we know he's NOT Mel Torme?

Nick Rivers: Is this the potato farm?

Albert Potato, Resistance Member: Yes, I'm Albert Potato.

Nick Rivers: Listen to me, Hillary. I'm not the first guy who fell in love with a woman that he met at a restaurant who turned out to be the daughter of a kidnapped scientist, only to lose her to her childhood lover who she last saw on a deserted island, who then turned out fifteen years later to be the leader of the French underground.

Hillary Flammond: I know. It all sounds like some bad movie.

[Long pause. Both very slowly turn to the camera]

[last lines]

Hillary Flammond: And I'll miss you most of all scarecrow.

[the East German national anthem]

All: Hail, hail East Germany / Land of fruit and grape / Land where you'll regret / If you try to escape / No matter if you tunnel under or take a running jump at the wall / Forget it, the guards will kill you, if the electrified fence doesn't first.

Nick Rivers: Hillary. That's an unusual name.

Hillary Flammond: It's a German name. It means 'she whose bosoms defy gravity'.

Nick Rivers: I'm pleased to meet you. My name's Nick.

Hillary Flammond: Nick? What does that mean?

Nick Rivers: Oh, nothing. My dad thought of it while he was shaving.

[Introducing his men]

Du Quois: This is Chevalier, Montage, Detente, Avant Garde, and Deja Vu.

Deja Vu: Haven't we met before monsieur ?

Nick Rivers: I don't think so.

[Deja Vu continues to eye him suspiciously]

Du Quois: Over there, Croissant, Souffle, Escargot, and Chocolate Mousse.

[Chocolate Mousse unblinking puts his lit cigar in his mouth and eats it]

Hillary Flammond: Who do you favor in the Virginia Slims tournament?

Blindman: In women's tennis, I always root against the heterosexual.

Agent Cedric: Wait. You dropped your phony dog poo.

Blindman: What phony dog poo?

[on train at checkpoint]

Nick Rivers: Where are they taking him?

Colonel von Horst: They are not taking him anywhere.

[gunshot is heard off screen]

Nick Rivers: Do you mind if I have a swig of this?

[picks up bottle]

Chocolate Mousse, Resistance Member: Go right ahead.

Nick Rivers: [takes a mouthful, spits in disgust] What the hell is this stuff?

Chocolate Mousse, Resistance Member: Gasoline.

[laughs and takes a swig himself]

Latrine, Resistance Member: [throws dead carrier pigeon on table]

Latrine, Resistance Member: We have a traitor in our midst.

Deja Vu: Well done, Latrine. I see that you have taken care of him appropriately.

Du Quois: [looks at Deja Vu] Not the bird, you fool! This is a carrier pigeon on its way to the German Headquarters.

[Nick and Hillary arrive at the Potato Farm. Shetland pony is coughing]

Nick Rivers: What's wrong with him?

Wagon Driver: Oh, he caught a cold last week and he's just a little hoarse.

Horse: [singing as they leave] It's been a hard day's night, and I've been working like a dog...

Colonel von Horst: [reporting on Nick's interrogation] They're still working on him. He won't break. We've tried everything! Do you want me to bring out the Leroy Nieman paintings?

General Streck, German High Command: No. We cannot risk violating the Geneva Convention!

General Streck, German High Command: [talking on the phone] What is the condition of Sergeant Kruger?

[pause]

General Streck, German High Command: Very well, let me know if there is any change in his condition.

[Hangs up]

General Streck, German High Command: He's dead.

Du Quois: Nigel made me go back to the meter shed. He ordered me to set off the alarms.

Deja Vu: And what does he want us to do now?

Du Quois: Nothing you numbskull, Nigel's the traitor!

Deja Vu: Don't take it so hard Nick, life is filled with it's little miseries, each of us in his own way must learn to deal with adversity in a mature and adult fashion.

[Sneezes into hands screams, and jumps out a window]

Doctor Flamond: You see, a year ago, I was close to perfecting the first magnetic desalinization process so revolutionary, it was capable of removing the salt from over 500 million gallons of seawater a day. Do you realize what that could mean to the starving nations of the earth?

Nick Rivers: Wow. They'd have enough salt to last forever.

Nigel: Good work, Chocolate Mousse.

Resistance Member: [High fiving him]

[the only time another black person appears in their crew]

Resistance Member: My man!

Agent Cedric: [sidling up to Blindman] Know any good white basketball players?

Blindman: There are no good white basketball players.

Du Quois: Nick, whether you make it back or not, that plane must take off with Dr. Flammond at 1800 hours.

Deja Vu: That's why we recommend you be there at least 45 minutes before departure, especially at this time of year.

Hillary Flammond: [in German] What do you recommend?

Waiter: [in German] I recommend the pork bellies marinated in diced pig entrails or the roast swine knuckles poached with flaming hog balls.

Nick Rivers: Anything's fine.

Nick Rivers: Are you in some kind of trouble with the police?

Hillary Flammond: Some things are much better left unsaid.

Nick Rivers: Like what?

Hillary Flammond: Well, you know... sometimes when you blow your nose into a tissue and you put it in your purse, then a little while later you have to reach in there for your lipstick or something, and your hand gushes into it, and it goes all over...

Nick Rivers: Okay, okay, you're right, you're right. Some things are better left unsaid.

General Streck, German High Command: I'm afraid you leave me no alternative but to introduce you to two of my associates.

[a bald henchman comes forward]

General Streck, German High Command: Bruno is almost blind, has to operate wholly by touch.

[Cut to a blank-faced second man]

General Streck, German High Command: Klaus is a moron who knows only what he reads in the New York Post.

[Klaus is shown holding a copy of New York Post with the headline 'Maniac stalks Olivia Newton-John']

[a wounded Latrine stumbles into the Resistance hideout]

Nigel: What did you find out, Latrine?

Du Quois: Where are the others?

Latrine, Resistance Member: Oh, we never had a chance. It was a slaughter.

Deja Vu: We must put a stop to these afternoon football games.

Der Pizzahaus Girl: Excuse me but aren't you Nick Rivers, the American rock 'n' roll star?

Nick Rivers: No. No I'm not.

Der Pizzahaus Girl: Oh, but you must be. If you could sing just one song...

Nick Rivers: I'm sorry but you must have me confused with someone else. I'm, uh... Mel Torme.

Du Quois: Well, Mr. Rivers, it seems that you have become- How do you say indispensable?

Nick Rivers: Indispensable.

Du Quois: That's what I thought.

Chocolate Mousse, Resistance Member: Something's wrong here. Where's the truck?

Nick Rivers: Where's Hillary?

Deja Vu: I'm hungry.

Nigel: [Du Quois gives the cow head part of the disguise to Nigel] No, you take the head. I'm taking the back.

Du Quois: But the plan was...

Nigel: Forget the plan. I'm giving the orders here. Now, shut up and give me the back part.

Du Quois: Alright, be an asshole.

Nick Rivers: Martin, I've been practicing. How this?

Nick Rivers: Ist Ihr Tochter achtzehn, bitte?

Martin: What does that mean?

Nick Rivers: Is your daughter eighteen?

Hillary Flammond: Come on. We've got to get out of here.

Nick Rivers: Don't you think we ought to wait for the police?

Hillary Flammond: That was the police!

Doctor Flamond: Well, young one, I had the secret police break into my house, they tore me from my family, ransacked my laboratory and... brought me to this dungeon.

Nick Rivers: That sucks!