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Stuart: How did we get on the ceiling?
Eddie: Did you pay the gravity bill this morning?
Stuart: I forgot!
-
Alex: If you eat my yogurt again, I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna fucking kill you.
Stuart: You make murder sound so sexual, Alex.
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Stuart: Sex is kinda like pizza. When it's bad, it's still pretty good.
-
Stuart: Straight sex is better than gay sex, it's written in the Bible.
Alex: Is that in the King James or the New World Edition?
-
Alex: You have the hots for me, I have the hots for him, and sooner or later he's gonna have the hots for you.
Eddie: Sounds pretty hot to me.
-
Alex: If you're so hot on the idea, why don't you have sex with him?
Stuart: Taste of semen makes me gag.
Alex: How would you know? Whose semen were you eating?
Stuart: My own.
-
Alex: Oh, I am so sick of this shit, it's not NORMAL! It's not NORMAL the three of us LIVING TOGETHER! I am so sick of falling for guys who don't give a fuck about me! I need help! I need a facial! I need to go on a diet! I need money! I need new shoes! Oh, God, just do something!
-
Stuart: Why didn't you just fuck her?
Eddie: Yeah, right!
Stuart: Eddy, the girl was ripping your pants off with her teeth. She's in the perfect position, at least get a blowjob!
-
Stuart: I'm telling you. If you don't have sex soon, you dick is going to shrivel up and go inside your body. Then what do you have? A vagina.
-
Alex: What are you doing in here?
Eddie: Our room has a foul and mysterious odor.
Alex: So clean it, you used to be a clean person.
Eddie: That was before I moved in with him. I used to make hospital corners, now I don't even change the sheets
-
[On Catcher In The Rye]
Stuart: It's a great book, you're going to love it.
Alex: I've read it four times.
Stuart: I've often felt like the main character, Holden Caulfield...
Eddie: No, no, he's Stradlater, the obnoxious room-mate who thinks he's it.
-
Eddie: Pandora's proverbial box had been opened, and what's more, none of us were sure that we wanted it closed again.
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Eddie: If Alex and Stuart were genetically merged into one person, he or she would've been the love of my life.
-
Alex: I find libraries very erotic.
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Eddie: I wonder how some people could be such a necessary part of one's life one day and simply vanish the next. Isn't it supposed to last?
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Eddie: Solitude brought out the worst in me. It gave me time to brood over the nature of things. I wondered how some people could be such a necessary part of one's life one day, and simply vanish the next. Isn't it supposed to last? We ran into each other at graduation. We had lunch about a year after that. It was nice to see them, but it wasn't like the old days. My college experience wasn't what I had planned. It bore no resemblance to the pictures in the brochure. But I'm not unhappy; I don't think any of us are. We got what we needed out of it. It's kind of like going on a vacation - you plan everything out but one day you make a wrong turn or take a detour, and you end up in some crazy place you can never find on the map, doing something you never thought you'd do. Maybe you feel a little lost while it's happening. But, later, you realize it was the best part of the whole trip
-
[after the guys meet Alex, she storms out, slamming the door]
Stuart: Wow, she's amazing. Truly amazing.
[sings]
Stuart: Amaaaaazing grace...
Eddie: It's not Grace, it's Alex.
Stuart: [sings] Amaaaaazing Alex...
[Eddie hits Stuart in the face with a football]
-
Eddie: Gay sex, by definition, is better than straight sex.
Stuart: Get the fuck outta here! I would love to hear this.
Eddie: If you have male genitalia and you're sleeping with someone who also has male genitalia, then you have first-hand knowledge of how their equipment works. You know all the pressure-sensitive points. You know what buttons to push. If you're a man having sex with a woman or vice-versa, you never really know how they feel. You don't know if they really feel great or if they're just faking it.
-
Eddie: - We think that Larry... is very scary.
Stuart: - And hairy.
Eddie: - Very hairy.
Stuart: - So be wary... of very scary hairy Larry.
Threesome Quotes
Extended Reading
