Three's Company Quotes

  • Chrissy: Eat your salad before it gets cold.

  • Chrissy: You know, if women ran the world there'd be none of these stupid wars!

    Janet Wood Dawson: Yeah!

    Stanley Roper: Yeah, all the countries would nag each other to death!

  • Stanley Roper: I came up to shampoo your rug.

    Chrissy: Why? Does it have dandruff?

  • Stanley Roper: Not in my building!

    Jack Tripper: I swear, it will be completely platonic.

    Stanley Roper: I don't care what it - What does that mean?

    Helen Roper: Like you and me, Stanley.

  • Jack Tripper: [a woman comes to the door and mistakenly tells the girls that Jack got her pregnant. Through miscommunication, Jack believes his girlfriend is pregnant] Good news girls! We're getting married!

    Chrissy: You rotten rat!

    Jack Tripper: [bewildered] Rotten rat? Janet, why did she call me a rat?

    Janet Wood Dawson: Because you're a pig!

  • Stanley Roper: What's the cake for?

    Helen Roper: We're celebrating.

    Stanley Roper: Celebrating what?

    Helen Roper: The tenth anniversary of my new spring outfit.

  • Cindy Snow: If my man was cheating on me I'd break every bone in his body!

    Jack Tripper: You'll do that on your wedding night.

  • Jack Tripper: Is something burning?

    Janet Wood Dawson: Oh NO! I left my underwear in the oven.

    Chrissy: Too bad hot pants are not in style.

  • Stanley Roper: I bet this cot told some great stories.

    Mrs. Roper: I wish ours could.

  • Mrs. Roper: I need a new stove

    Stanley Roper: There's nothing wrong with the stove you have, it works just fine.

    Mrs. Roper: Well, I better not break up the set.

    Stanley Roper: What set?

    Mrs. Roper: An old stove, and old husband, and they both take too long to heat up!

  • Jack Tripper: I have a surprise for you girls!

    Chrissy: Oh, I love surprises. It's funny that you never suspect them!

  • Janet Wood Dawson: Chrissy, your dad is a minister, what does he usually say to couples in trouble?

    Chrissy: He tells them to keep the baby.

  • Stanley Roper: [after the kids make a lot door slamming noises, Mr. Roper knocks on the door]

    Chrissy: [opens the door]

    Stanley Roper: I just want to tell you that it's three o'clock in the morning!...

    [is about to complain further]

    Chrissy: Thank you!

    [closes door]

  • [about lying to his boss about having a wife]

    Jack Tripper: Mr. Angelino saw me talking to his daughter and now I have to be married.

    Terri: Boy, those Italians sure are strict!

  • Jack Tripper: Larry, haven't you ever thought of telling a girl the truth?

    Larry: Well, I figure, anyone who gets up an hour early to put on eyeliner, fake eyelashes, and plastic nails isn't someone who wants to hear the truth.

  • Chrissy: Men are so unsympathetic.

    Jack Tripper: Baloney.

    Chrissy: Oh yeah? Then how come there are more women nurses than men?

    Jack Tripper: [pause] Because there are more men who get sick because of women.

  • Stanley Roper: Helen, I just wanted to prove to you that other woman found me attractive. And I proved it.

    Mrs. Roper: Well, fine, go to her. See if I care. I hope you're happy.

    Stanley Roper: I don't want to be happy; I want to be with you.

  • Chrissy: Jack, that smells good.

    Jack Tripper: Chrissy, I haven't even started cooking yet.

    Chrissy: Well, you better hurry up and start cooking so you can catch up with the smell.

  • Jack Tripper: And speaking of current events, did you read the *big* news in the paper this morning?

    Chrissy: The May Company is having a huge sale on pantyhose.

    Jack Tripper: Excuse me, Chrissy, that's not exactly a current event.

    Chrissy: It is so, it's going on right now.

  • Ralph Furley: [after hearing Terry play the Violin very badly] Who's *killing* a cat up here?

  • Helen Roper: Oh, why don't you go see your dentist!

    Stanley Roper: What for?

    Helen Roper: Because your toothache is giving me a pain.

    Stanley Roper: Then you go see the dentist.

    Helen Roper: The place I got a pain you don't see a dentist.

  • Stanley Roper: Will you put some clothes on? My wife's here!

    Helen Roper: Mind your own business, Stanley.

    Stanley Roper: What if the towel slips?

    Helen Roper: Mind your own business, Stanley.

    Chrissy: Jack, you have some shaving cream on your face.

    Jack Tripper: Oh, thank you.

    Chrissy: [shouts] No, Jack!

    Helen Roper: Mind your own business, Chrissy!

  • Jack Tripper: It's time to toast the bride and groom. To Gloria and Larry, happy days!

    Janet Wood Dawson: Good times!

    Chrissy: Little House on the Prairie!

  • Larry: What the heck am I gonna do without a friend like you?

    [he breaks down crying]

    Jack Tripper: Well, Larry, I'm only moving about a mile away.

    Larry: You shoulda told me that before I made a fool of myself!

  • Janet Wood Dawson: Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't tell anybody you're a chef, okay?

    Jack Tripper: Okay, mum's the word.

    Janet Wood Dawson: Well, it's not that there's anything wrong with what you do, Jack. It's just that... everybody here looks so important and we want to make a good impression. Well, you understand, don't you?

    Jack Tripper: *Of course*, pumpkin.

    Janet Wood Dawson: Oh, thanks.

    Jack Tripper: You're ashamed of me!

  • Ralph Furley: Ohhhh, I'm through with women.

    Jack Tripper: Aww.

    Ralph Furley: Don't you get any ideas!

  • Terri: I just felt sorry for you!

    Jack Tripper: Sorry for me? Why would anybody feel sorry for me?

    Janet Wood Dawson: Oh, lots of reasons.

  • Larry: I just wanted to know if you wanted to spend an evening with a beautiful, young lady.

    Jack Tripper: No thanks, pal. I'd rather spend an evening with Janet.

  • Ralph Furley: This is a respectable building. NO ROMAN ORGIES!

  • Ralph Furley: You can't follow The Brady Bunch if you miss the beginning!

  • [Stanley has been caught eavesdropping]

    Helen Roper: Now, you should say you're sorry.

    Stanley Roper: All right, all right. Listen kids, I'm really very sorry.

    Helen Roper: And you'll never do it again.

    Stanley Roper: And I'll never do it again.

    Helen Roper: And you'll take fifty dollars off this month's rent.

    Stanley Roper: And I'll never do it again.

  • Stanley Roper: I want my rent!

    Helen Roper: Stanley, where are your manners? You're supposed to say hello when you walk into a room.

    Stanley Roper: Hello, I want my rent!

  • Diane McMillan: Janet, do you know what I do for a living?

    Janet Wood Dawson: Of course I do! It's right here on your card in black and white. Diane McMillan, The Rapist!

    Jack Tripper: That's therapist.

    Janet's Father: She always did have trouble with her reading.

  • Cindy Snow: She's wrong, Jack. You're NOT a bad liar.

    Jack Tripper: [indignantly] Thank you, Cindy!

    Cindy Snow: You're about the best darn liar I've ever met!