Thor: Ragnarok Quotes

Grandmaster: [from trailer] It's main event time. And now, I give you your Incredible, Astonishingly Savage...

[the Hulk bursts through the stadium door]

Thor: YES!

[everyone in the stadium looks confused]

Thor: Hey, hey! We know each other! He's a friend from work! Where have you been? Everybody thought you were dead! So much has happened since I last saw you. I lost my hammer like, yesterday so that's still pretty fresh. Loki, he's alive! Can you believe it? He's up there. Hey Loki! Look who it is!

[first lines]

[Thor is thrown into Muspelheim in chains]

Thor: I know what you're thinking. "Oh, no. Thor's in a cage. How did this happen?" Well, sometimes you have to get captured just to get a straight answer out of something. It's a long story. Basically, I'm a bit of a hero. See, I've spent some time on Earth... for the record, I saved the planet a couple of times. Then I went searching through the cosmos for a couple of magic colorful Infinity Stone things... but didn't find any. That's when I came across a path of death, and destruction. Which led me all the way here to this cage... where I met you.

[looks at a skeleton]

Grandmaster: What have you brought today? Tell me.

Valkyrie: A contender.

Thor: [sees residents of Sakaar] Hi there...

[they put him in a net]

Hulk: Hulk always... always angry.

Thor: I know. We're the same, you and I. Just a couple of hot-headed fools.

Hulk: Yeah, same. Hulk like fire, Thor like water.

Thor: Well, we're kind of both like fire.

Hulk: But Hulk like real fire. Like... raging fire. Thor like smouldering fire.

Thor: Hela, the goddess of death, has invaded Asgard! And you and I had a fight.

Bruce Banner: Did I win?

Thor: No, I won! Easily!

Bruce Banner: That doesn't sound right...

Thor: Well, it's true!

[Thor meets Loki, who is tied up]

Loki: Surprise!

[Thor throws something at him, to see if he's a mirage]

Loki: OW!

Thor: We have to stop her here and now, and prevent Ragnarok, the end of everything! So I'm putting together a team.

Loki: Like the old days.

[wielding blasters]

Thor: Hello!

Loki: Hi.

[open fire]

Thor: How did you end up here?

Korg: Well, I tried to start a revolution, but didn't print enough pamphlets so hardly anyone turned up. Except for my mum and her boyfriend, who I hate. As punishment, I was forced to be in here and become a gladiator. Bit of a promotional disaster that one, but I'm actually organizing another revolution. I don't know if you'd be interested in something like that? Do you reckon you'd be interested?

Dr. Stephen Strange: Thor, I sense a great change in your future. Destiny has dire plans for you, my friend.

Thor: I have dire plans for destiny.

Loki: Hello, Bruce.

Bruce Banner: Last time we saw you, you were trying to kill everyone. What are you up to these days?

Loki: It varies from moment to moment.

Valkyrie: This team of yours, it got a name?

Thor: Yeah, it's called the... uh... Revengers!

[the Hulk appears in the arena]

Loki: [horrorstruck] I have to get off this planet!

[Hela approaches Thor, seated on the throne of Asgard]

Hela: You're in my seat!

Thor: She's too strong. Without my hammer, I can't...

Odin: Are you Thor, the god of hammers?

Thor: Quite unique. It was made from this special metal from the heart of a dying star. And when i spun it really, really fast it gave me the ability to fly.

Korg: You rode a hammer?

Thor: No, I didn't ride the hammer

Korg: The hammer ride you on your back?

Thor: No, I would spin it really fast and it would pull me off the...

Korg: Oh my god, the hammer pulled you off?

Thor: The ground! It would pull me off the ground, into the air and I would fly.

[after knocking down Hulk, Thor approaches him]

Thor: [copies Black Widow] Hey, big guy. Sun's getting real low. I don't want to hurt you anymore.

[Hulk grabs Thor and flattens him with repeated smashes into the floor]

Loki: [cheers] YES! That's what it feels like!

Loki: [to the Grandmaster] I'm just a big fan of the sport.

Thor: I am Thor, son of Odin!

Hela: Really? You don't look like him.

Loki: Perhaps we can come to an arrangement...

Hela: YOU sound like him.

Hela: Kneel.

Loki: I'm sorry?

Hela: [draws a sword] Kneel, before your queen.

Thor: I don't think so.

[Thor throws Mjolnir at Hela, she catches it]

Thor: It's not possible.

Hela: Darling, you have no idea what's possible.

[Hela crushes the hammer]

Grandmaster: Hey Sparkles, here's the deal: you want to get back to ass-place, ass-berg...

Thor: ASGARD!

Grandmaster: Any contender who defeats my champion, their freedom they shall win.

Thor: Fine. Then point me in the direction of whoever's ass I have to kick!

Bruce Banner: [points at his brain] Biggest muscle in the body.

Thor: I've got more muscle, so technically more brains!

Thor: Loki, I thought the world of you. I thought we were going to fight side-by-side forever, but at the end of the day you're you and I'm me and... oh, maybe there's still good in you but... let's be honest, our paths diverged a long time ago.

Loki: [emotional] Yeah... it's probably for the best that we'll never see each other again.

Thor: That's what you always wanted.

[pats Loki on the back]

Thor: [about Mjolnir] Every time I threw it, it would always come back to me.

Korg: It sounds like you had a pretty special and intimate relationship with this hammer and that losing it was almost comparable to losing a loved one.

Thor: [pauses] That's a nice way of putting it.

Thor: [aboard the Commodore] Where are the weapons?

Valkyrie: There aren't any! It's a leisure vessel.

Bruce Banner: What?

Valkyrie: The Grandmaster uses it for his good times: orgies and stuff.

Bruce Banner: Did she just say the Grandmaster uses it for orgies?

Thor: Yeah. Don't touch anything.

Hela: Tell me about yourself, Skurge.

Skurge: Well, my dad was a stone mason and...

Hela: Yeah. Right. Ok. I'll just... I'll stop you there. What I meant was what's your ambition?

Skurge: I just want a chance to prove myself.

Hela: Recognition. Every great king had an executioner. Not just to execute people but to also execute their vision. But mainly to execute people. Still, it was a great honor. I was Odin's executioner. And now you shall be mine.

Valkyrie: The lord of thunder sends his regards!

Korg: The revolution has begun!

[a barber approaches Thor with blades]

Barber: Now don't you move. My hands ain't as steady as they used to be!

Thor: [tough] By Odin's beard, you shall not cut my hair, lest you feel the wrath of the mighty Thor!

[pause]

Thor: [terrified] Please, kind sir, do not cut my hair. NO! NOOO!

Dr. Stephen Strange: [gives up Loki to Thor] I think you can handle things from here.

Loki: [pulls out blades] Handle me? Who are you? You think you're some kind of sorcerer? Don't think for one minute, you second-rate...

Dr. Stephen Strange: Bye bye.

[sends Thor and Loki through a portal]

Thor: How do I escape?

Heimdall: You're on a planet surrounded by doorways. Go through one.

Thor: Which one?

Heimdall: The big one!

Hela: [sees a mural of Odin's work] Look at these lies! Goblets and garden parties? Peace treaties? Odin. Proud to have it... shame of how he got it!

[tears down the mural to reveal a dark mural underneath]

Thor: You know, Father once told me that a wise man never seeks out war...

Hela: ...but he must always be ready for it!

Surtur: You cannot stop Ragnarok. Why fight it?

Thor: Because that's what heroes do!

[entering the Vault of Asgard]

Skurge: [awestruck] Asgard's treasures...

Hela: [knocks over the Infinity Gauntlet] Fake! Most of this stuff is fake anyway.

Hela: [looks at the Casket of Ancient Winters] Weak!

Hela: [looks at the Crown of Surtur] That's smaller than I expected.

Hela: [looks at the Tesseract] That's actually... not bad.

Hela: [approaches the Eternal Flame] Now this... this is truly special.

[Thor turns on the Quinjet's computer and places his hand on the handprint scanner]

Quinjet Computer: Welcome. Voice activation required.

Thor: Thor.

Quinjet Computer: Access denied.

Thor: Thor, God of Thunder.

Quinjet Computer: Access denied.

Thor: Son of Odin.

Quinjet Computer: Access denied.

Thor: Strongest Avenger.

Quinjet Computer: Access denied.

Thor: Strongest Avenger!

Quinjet Computer: Access denied.

[pause]

Thor: Damn you, Stark. Point Break.

Quinjet Computer: Welcome, Point Break.

[Banner places his hand on the Quinjet's handprint scanner]

Quinjet Computer: Voice activation required.

Bruce Banner: Banner.

Quinjet Computer: Welcome, Strongest Avenger.

[a chained Thor is dropped from his cage to face Surtur in his throne]

Surtur: Thor, son of Odin.

Thor: Surtur! Son of... a bitch! You're still alive! I thought my father killed you like, half a million years ago.

Surtur: I cannot die. Not until I fulfill my destiny, and lay waste to your home.

Thor: You know, it's funny you should mention that. Because I've been having these terrible dreams of late! Asgard up in flames. Falling to ruins. And you, Surtur. The center of all of it.

Surtur: Then you have seen Ragnarok, the fall of Asgard, the great prophecy...

Thor: [rotates away from Surtur briefly] Hang on! Hang on. I'll be... back around shortly, you know, I really feel like we were connecting there. Now... okay, so, Ragnarök, tell me about that. Walk me through it.

Surtur: My time has come when my crown is reunited with the Eternal Flame! I shall be restored to my full might, and will tower over the mountains to bury my sword deep into Asgard!

Thor: [rotates again] Hang on! Give it a second... I swear, I'm not even moving! It's doing this on its own!

Thor: Hey, let's do 'Get Help'.

Loki: What?

Thor: 'Get Help'.

Loki: No.

Thor: Come on. You love it.

Loki: I hate it.

Thor: It's great. It works every time.

Loki: It's humiliating.

Thor: Do you have a better plan?

Loki: No.

Thor: We're doing it.

Loki: We are not doing 'Get Help'.

[Thor carries Loki out of the elevator in front of the guards]

Thor: Get help! Please! My brother is dying! Get help! Help him!

[as the guard approach them, Thor throws Loki at them, knocking them down]

Thor: A classic.

Loki: [gets up] I still hate it. It's humiliating.

Thor: Not for me, it's not.

Thor: Asgard's not a place, it's a people. This was never about stopping Ragnarok... it was about causing Ragnarok.

Thor: [to Loki] Go to the vault. Surtur's crown. It's the only way.

Loki: Bold move, brother. Even for me.

[runs off]

Bruce Banner: [on Loki] I was just talking to him just a couple minutes ago and he was totally ready to kill any of us.

Valkyrie: He did try to kill me.

Thor: Yes, me too. On many, many occasions. There was one time when we were children, he transformed himself into a snake, and he knows that I love snakes. So, I went to pick up the snake to admire it and he transformed back into himself and he was like, "Blergh, it's me!". And he stabbed me. We were eight at the time.

Grandmaster: Time works real different around these parts. On any other world I would be millions of years old but here on Sakaar...

[leers at Loki, unnerving him]

[last words]

Odin: [points in the sky] Look at that. Remember this place... home.

Thor: I'm not as strong as you.

Odin: No... you're stronger.

[Grandmaster is announcing the Hulk into the Sakaaran Arena]

Grandmaster: ...The champion! The Defending! I give you, your Incredible...

[Hulk enters the arena, roars]

Loki: [to himself] I have to get off this planet.

Grandmaster: [Runs into Loki as he is trying to run away] Whoa, whoa, where are you going? Sit down.

Hulk: HULK! HULK! HULK!

Thor: [to the Grandmaster] Hey! Hey! We know each other, he's a friend from work!

Thor: [to Hulk] Where have you been? Everyone thought you were dead! There's so much that's happened since I last saw you! I lost my hammer, like yesterday so that's still pretty fresh. Loki, Lok - Loki's alive, can you believe it? He's up there!

[Hulk glances at Loki]

Thor: Hey, Loki! Look who it is!

[Loki is horrorstruck]

Hela: It's come to my attention that you don't know who I am. I am Hela. Odin's firstborn. Commander of the legions of Asgard. The rightful heir to the throne and the Goddess of Death. My father is dead. As are the princes. You're welcome. We were once the seat of absolute power in the cosmos. Our supremacy was unchallenged. Yet Odin stopped at nine realms. Our destiny is to rule over all others. And I am here to restore that power. Kneel before me and rise into the ranks of my great conquest.

Hogun: Whoever you were, whatever you've done, surrender now or we will show you no mercy.

Hela: Whoever I am? Did you not listen to a word I said?

Grandmaster: I love when you come to visit, 142. You keep bringing me just the best stuff. Whenever we get to talk to Topaz about Scrapper-142, what do I always say? She is, and it starts with a B.

Topaz: Trash.

Grandmaster: No. Not trash. Were you waiting to just call her that? It doesn't start with a B!

Thor: If you knew where he was, why didn't you call me?

Dr. Stephen Strange: I had to tell you. He did not want to be disturbed. Your father. He had chosen to remain in exile. And you don't have a phone.

Thor: No, I don't have a phone but you could have sent me an electronic letter. It's called an email.

Dr. Stephen Strange: Yeah. Do you have a computer?

Thor: No. What for?

Thor: Where's Odin?

Loki: You just couldn't stay away, could you? Everything was fine without you. Asgard was prospering. You ruined everything! Ask them!

Thor: Where's Father? Did you kill him?

Loki: You have what you wanted. You have the independence you asked for. Ah!

[Thor puts Mjolnir on his chest]

Loki: ouch, ok! I know exactly where he is.

Loki: [Thor & Loki transport to NYC via Bifrost. Arrived at Shady Acres Care Home that's being demolished to ruins] I swear I left him right here.

Thor: Right here on the sidewalk or right here where the building's being demolished? Great planning!

Loki: How was I supposed to know? I can't the see the future. I'm not a witch.

Thor: No? Then why are you dressed like one?

Loki: [Annoyed] Hey!

Thor: I can't believe you're alive! I saw you die. I mourned you. I cried for you.

Loki: I'm... honored?

Thor: Banner! Hey, Banner!

Hulk: No Banner, only Hulk!

[the Hulk takes on Surtur]

Thor: Hulk, no! Just for once in your life, don't smash!

Hulk: But big monster!

Valkyrie: Hulk, let's go!

[Hulk looks at Valkyrie and Thor]

Hulk: Friends.

[goes with Thor and Valkyrie, leaving Surtur behind]

[at a retirement home]

Loki: [in a dark suit] I left him right here.

Thor: [in casual wear] You mean on the pavement outside, or actually in the building currently being demolished?

Loki: How was I supposed to know? I can't see into the future, I'm not a witch!

Thor: Well, you're dressed like one.

Valkyrie: I've spent years, in a haze, trying to forget my past. Sakaar seemed like the best place to drink, and to forget... and to die, one day.

Thor: Well, I was thinking that you drink too much and it was probably gonna kill you.

Valkyrie: I don't plan to stop drinking. But... I don't wanna forget. I can't turn away anymore. So, if I'm gonna die, well, it might as well be driving my sword through the heart of that murderous hag.

Hela: I don't know your game, but you can not stop me!

Thor: No.

[Surtur appears]

Thor: But he can.

Bruce Banner: You're just using me to get to the Hulk. That's low. You're not my friend.

Thor: No, no, no. I don't even like Hulk. He's always like, grr... smash, smash, smash. I prefer you.

Hela: I'm Hela.

Skurge: I'm just a janitor.

Hela: You're still alive.

Thor: I love what you've done with the place. Redecorated and everything.

Hela: It would seem our father's solution to every problem was to cover it up.

Thor: Or cast it out. He told you you were worthy. He said the same thing to me.

Hela: You see, you never knew him, not at his best. Odin and I drowned entire civilizations in blood and tears. Where do you think all this gold came from? And then one day he decided to become a benevolent king. To foster peace, to protect life. To have you.

Thor: I understand why you're angry. And you are my sister, and technically have a claim to the throne. And believe me, I would love for someone else to rule. But it can't be you. You're just the worst.

Hela: Okay. Get up. You're in my seat.

Korg: [Asgard is now in ruins] The damage is not too bad. As long as the foundations are still strong, we can rebuild this place. It will become a haven for all peoples and aliens of the universe.

[Asgard explodes]

Korg: Oof. Now those foundations are gone. Sorry.

[after defeating the Einherjar]

Hela: Oh, I've missed this! Still, it's a shame. Good soldiers dying for nothing all because they couldn't see the future. Oh, look. Still alive.

[Hogun weakly stands up]

Hela: Change of heart?

Hogun: Go back to whatever chamber you crept out of, you evil demoness!

[Hela stabs Hogun]

Thor: Has anyone here fought the Grandmaster's champion?

Korg: Yeah. Doug has. Hey, Doug. Could you come over here? Oh, yeah, I forgot, Doug's dead. Anyone who fights the Grandmaster's champion perished. You're not actually thinking about fighting him, are you?

Thor: Yes, I am. I'm gonna fight him, win, and get the hell off this planet!

Korg: That's exactly what Doug used to say! See you later, New Doug!

Loki: Do you really think it's a good idea to go back to earth?

Thor: Yes, of course. People on earth love me, I'm very popular.

Loki: Let me rephrase that: Do you really think it's a good idea to bring ME back to earth?

Thor: Probably not, to be honest. I wouldn't worry, Brother. I feel like everything's gonna work out fine.

[Thanos's ship appears]

Thor: I think we should disband the Revengers.

Loki: Hit her with a lightning blast.

Thor: I just hit her with the biggest lightning blast in the history of lightning. It did nothing.

Valkyrie: We just need to hold her off until everyone's on board.

Thor: It won't end there. The longer Hela's on Asgard, the more powerful she grows. She'll hunt us down. We need to stop her here and now.

Valkyrie: So what do we do?

Loki: I'm not doing 'get help'.

Bruce Banner: I don't know how to fly this thing!

Thor: You're a doctor, you have PhDs. You should figure it out.

Bruce Banner: None of them for flying alien spaceships!

Topaz: [to Grandmaster] We've located your cousin.

Grandmaster: Huh?... Oh good!...

[to Thor]

Grandmaster: You're going to love this!

[to Carlo]

Grandmaster: Hey cuz... We couldn't find you! What, have you been hiding?

Cousin Carlo: [Begging and whimpering] No!... I'm sorry!

Grandmaster: [Nodding sympathetically] Mmhmm.

[Makes hand gesture like Nazi from Schindler's List]

Grandmaster: Carlo, I pardon you.

Cousin Carlo: [Nodding with clear relief] Oh, thank you!

Grandmaster: You're officially pardoned... from life!

[Melts Carlo into bubbling blue mess and haze. The Grandmaster looks away in disgust]

Cousin Carlo: Aaauugh!

[to Thor]

Cousin Carlo: Help me!

Thor: [Watching this in wide-eyed horror] Oh... my... GOD!

Grandmaster: [Scrambling backwards] I'm stepping it. I'm stepping in it! Look! Wow!

Thor: Oh, the-the smell!

Grandmaster: What does it smell like?

Topaz: Burnt toast.

Korg: Hey, man. We're just about to jump on that ginormous spaceship. Wanna come?

Loki: You do seem like you're in desperate need of leadership.

Korg: Why, thank you!

[Fenris charges at the Asgardians]

Valkyrie: This stupid dog won't die!

Bruce Banner: [makes up his mind] Everything's going to be okay. I got this. You want to know who I am?

Valkyrie: What the hell are you talking about?

Bruce Banner: You'll see!

[jumps off the ship]

Surtur: [wields his sword] Tremble before me Asgard, for I am your reckoning!

Valkyrie: The people are safe. That's all it matters.

Thor: We're fulfilling the prophecy.

Valkyrie: I hate this prophecy.

Thor: So do I. But we have no choice.

Thor: Perhaps you're not so bad after all, brother.

Loki: Maybe not.

Thor: Thank you, Loki.

Thor: Let me get this straight. You're going to put your crown into the Eternal Flame, and you suddenly grow big as a house?

Surtur: A MOUNTAIN!

Thor: The Eternal Flame that Odin keeps locked away in Asgard?

Surtur: Odin is not on Asgard. And your absence has left the throne defenseless.

Thor: Okay. So, where is this crown?

Surtur: [points at the crown] This is my crown. The source of my power!

Thor: Oh, that's your crown? I thought it was a big eyebrow.

Surtur: It's a crown!

Thor: Anyway, it sounds like all I have to do to stop Ragnarok is rip that thing off your head.

Surtur: But Ragnarok has already begun! You cannot stop it! I am Asgard's doom, and so are you! All will suffer, all will burn!

Thor: Oh, that's intense. You know to be honest, seeing you grow really big and set fire to a planet would be quite the spectacle. But it looks like I'll have to choose Option B, where I bust out of these chains, knock that tiara off your head, and stash you away in Asgard's vault.

Heimdall: Where to?

Thor: I'm not sure. Any suggestions? Miek? Where are you from?

Korg: Oh, Miek's dead.

Thor: Oh.

Korg: Yeah, I accidentally stomped on him on the bridge. I still felt so guilty I've been carrying him around all day.

[Miek moves]

Korg: Oh Miek you're alive! He's alive, guys! What was your question again, brov?

Thor: ...Earth it is.

Thor: So Earth has... wizards now, huh?

[accidentally destroys a relic]

Dr. Stephen Strange: The preferred term is Master of The Mystic Arts. You can leave that now.

Thor: If you were here, I might even give you a hug.

Loki: ...I am here...

Thor: I've been having terrible dreams as of late. Every night I see Asgard falling to ruins.

Odin: That's just a silly dream, signs of an overactive imagination.

Thor: Possibly. But then I decide to go out there and investigate, and what do I find but the Nine Realms completely in chaos? Enemies of Asgard assembling, plotting our demise, all while you, Odin, the protector of those Nine Realms are sitting here, in your bathrobe, eating *grapes.*

Odin: Yes, well, it is best to respect our neighbors' freedom.

Thor: Yes, of course. The freedom to be *massacred*.

[he threateningly tosses Mjolnir at Odin before catching it]

Odin: Well, I've been rather busy myself.

Thor: [sarcastically] Watching theatre?

Odin: Well... Board meetings and security council meetings...

Thor: You're really gonna make me do it?

Odin: Do what?

Thor: [Thor throws Mjolnir as far as he can, then stand behind Odin with a hand on his neck] You know that nothing will stop Mjolnir as it returns to my hand. Not even your face!

Odin: [stammers] You've gone quite mad, you... You'll be executed for this!

Thor: Then I'll see you on the other side, *brother!*

Loki: [as Mjolnir streaks towards him, "Odin" reveals himself as a disguised Loki] Alright, I yield!

[Thor shoves Loki aside just in time, catching the hammer in his hand]

Loki: You know, I feel it won't make much of a difference...

Thor: [sighs] Loki...

Loki: ...but this time, it's truly nothing personal. The reward for your capture

[he sounds the alarm]

Loki: will set me up nicely.

Thor: Never one for sentiment, were you?

Loki: Easier to let it burn.

Thor: [grins] I agree.

[Loki's eyes widen as Thor holds up the remote taser. He hits the button, electrocuting Loki, who falls to the ground. Thor walks over to him]

Thor: That looks painful. Dear brother, you're becoming predictable. I trust you, you betray me, round and round in circles we go. See Loki, life is about... It's about growth, it's about change, but you seem to just want to stay the same. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you'll always be the god of mischief, but you could be more. I'll just put this over here for you.

[he tosses the remote aside]

[Thor arrives at the Asgardian Palace to see a giant statue of Loki and the crowd watching a play re-enactment of Loki's death]

Loki Actor: Oh, brother. This is it. I take my leave.

Actor Thor: You fool, you didn't listen!

Loki Actor: I'm sorry.

Actor Thor: Lady Sif, get help!

Actor Sif: [runs] Somebody, help!

Loki Actor: Sorry for all I've done.

Actor Thor: Shh. It's all right. Hold on.

Loki Actor: I'm sorry I tried to rule Earth.

Actor Thor: They'd be lucky to have you.

Loki Actor: I'm sorry about that thing with the Tesseract. I just couldn't help myself.

Actor Thor: I know.

Loki Actor: I'm a trickster.

Actor Thor: Yes. So mischievous.

Loki Actor: Sorry about that time I turned you into a frog.

Actor Thor: It was a wonderful joke.

Odin: [watching the play] 'Twas indeed hilarious.

Actor Thor: You are the savior of Asgard.

Loki Actor: Tell my story.

Actor Thor: I will.

Loki Actor: Build a statue for me.

Actor Thor: We will build a big statue for you.

Loki Actor: With my helmet on, with the big bendy horns.

Actor Thor: I will tell Father what you did here today.

Odin: [whispering] I didn't do it for him.

Loki Actor: I didn't do it... for him.

[Loki Actor 'dies' as the choir sings chorus]

Actor Thor: NOOOOOOOOOO!

Actor Odin: And so, Loki died of his wounds, giving his life for ours. He fought back those disgusting elves, he brought peace to the realm.

[a blue boy appears on stage]

Actor Odin: Loki, my boy. 'Twas many moons ago I found you on that frostbitten battlefield. On that day, I did not yet see in you, Asgard's savior. No. You were merely a little blue baby icicle... that melted this old fool's heart.

Grandmaster: [broadcast] It's bad news, bad news today. Sakaar, hear ye. Attention, please. I have some bad news. My beloved, exalted Champion has turned up missing. Take to the streets. Celebrate my champion. It seems that that criminally seductive Lord of Thunder has stolen him away.

Thor: Seductive GOD of Thunder!

Grandmaster: What happened to my manners? I haven't properly introduced myself. Come on. Follow me. My name is Grandmaster. I preside over a little harlequinade called the Contest of Champions. People come from far and wide to unwillingly participate in it. And you, my friend, might just be part of the new cast. What do you say to that?

Thor: We're not friends, and I don't give a shit about your games!

Grandmaster: I'm upset! I'm very upset. You know what I like about being upset? Blame. Right now, that's the mindset that I'm in. And you know who I'm blaming?

Loki: Grandmaster, I...

Grandmaster: Hey! Don't interrupt me!

Topaz: [holds up a Melting Stick] Here you go!

Grandmaster: Why are you handing me the Melt Stick? He was interrupting. That's not a capital violation. My precious champion has come up missing and its all because of that Lord of Thunder. It's all because of him, YOUR brother - whatever the story is, adopted, or complicated, I'm sure there's a big history - and YOUR contender!

Loki: My dear friend, if you were to give me twelve hours I could bring them both back to you.

Valkyrie: I can do it in two.

Loki: I could do it in one.

Grandmaster: You know what? I woke up this morning thinking about a public execution. But for now, I'll settle for this sweet little "who's gonna get him first?" So you're on the clock!

Grandmaster: Revolution? How did this happen?

Topaz: Don't know. But the Arena's mainframe for the Obedience Disks have been deactivated and the slaves have armed themselves.

Grandmaster: Ohhh! I don't like that word!

Topaz: Mainframe?

Grandmaster: No. Why would I not like "mainframe?" No, the "S" word!

Topaz: Sorry, the "prisoners with jobs" have armed themselves.

Grandmaster: Okay, that's better.

Loki: It hurts, doesn't it? Being lied to. Being told you're one thing and then learning it's all a fiction.

[Thor throws an object at Loki, revealing him to be an illusion]

Loki: You didn't think I'd really come and see you, did you? This place is disgusting. Does this mean you don't want my help? Look, I couldn't jeopardize my position with Grandmaster, it took me time to win his trust. He's a lunatic, but he can be amenable. What I'm telling you is, you could join me at the Grandmaster's side. Perhaps, in time, an accident befalls the Grandmaster, and then...

[makes a gesture of takeover]

Loki: What have you done?

Valkyrie: I don't answer to you, lackey.

Loki: It's Loki! And you will answer to the Grandmaster!

[the two fight]

Loki: Why would you help my brother escape with that green fool?

Valkyrie: I don't help anyone!

Loki: [sees her tattoo] You're a Valkyrie... I thought the Valkyrie all died gruesome deaths?

Valkyrie: Choose your next words wisely!

Loki: Terribly sorry. Must be a very painful memory...

Loki: Here's the thing. I'm probably better off staying here on Sakaar.

Thor: That's exactly what I was thinking.

Loki: ...Did you just agree with me?

Thor: This place is perfect for you. It's savage, chaotic, lawless. Brother, you're going to do GREAT here.

Loki: Do you truly think so little of me?

Thor: Loki, I thought the world of you. I thought we were going to fight side-by-side forever, but at the end of the day you're you and I'm me and... oh, maybe there's still good in you but... let's be honest, our paths diverged a long time ago.

Loki: [emotional] Yeah... it's probably for the best that we'll never see each other again.

Thor: That's what you always wanted.

[pats Loki on the back]

Thor: What have I done?

Heimdall: You saved us from extinction. Asgard is not a place, it's a people.

[deleted scene]

[Dr Strange puts Loki in a port-a-potty]

Loki: [rescued by Thor] Took you long enough!

Thor: I couldn't find the key.

Loki: Everyone has a key!

Surtur: You have made a grave mistake, Odinson.

Thor: I make grave mistakes all the time. Everything seems to work out...

Grandmaster: Here's what I wanna know. Who are you?

Thor: I - am - the God of Thunder!

[raises his arms as energy flows over his hands]

Grandmaster: [amused] I didn't hear any thunder, but out of your fingers - was that sparkles?

Valkyrie: Hey, big guy.

Hulk: Angry girl...

Valkyrie: What have you been up to?

Hulk: Winning.

Thor: Hela! Enough! You want Asgard? It's yours.

Hela: Whatever game you're playing, it won't work. You can't defeat me.

Thor: No, I know... But he can.

[gestures behind him]

Thor: [Surtur appears in his true form, wielding his flaming sword]

Hela: NO!

Heimdall: Where to?

Thor: I'm not sure. Any suggestions? Miek? Where are you from?

Korg: Oh, Miek's dead.

Thor: Oh.

Korg: Yeah, I accidentally stomped on him on the bridge. I still felt so guilty I've been carrying him around all day.

Korg: Oh Miek you're alive! He's alive guys! What was your question again, brov?

Thor: Earth it is.

Loki: I don't mean to impose...

[Valkyrie throws a bottle and it smashes on the wall behind Loki]

Loki: But, uh, the Grandmaster has a great many ships. I may even have stolen the access codes to his security system.

Valkyrie: And suddenly you're overcome with an urge to do the right thing.

Loki: Heavens, no. I've run out of favor with the Grandmaster, and in exchange for codes and access to a ship, I'm asking for safe passage... through the Anus.

Skurge: Behold... my stuff.

[hefts up two M-16 assualt rifles]

Skurge: I'm particularly fond of these. I pulled 'em out of a place on Midgard called Texas. I even named them. Des and Troy. You see, when you put them together... they destroy.

Thor: If you help me get back to Asgard, I can help you get back to Earth.

Hulk: Earth hate Hulk.

Thor: Earth loves Hulk. They love you. You're one of the Avengers. One of the team, one of our friends. This is what friends do. They support each other.

Hulk: You're Banner's friend.

Thor: I'm not Banner's friend. I prefer you.

Hulk: Banner's friend.

Thor: I don't even like Banner.

[Imitating Banner]

Thor: "I'm into numbers and science and stuff."

Hulk: Thor go. Hulk stay.

Thor: Fine. Stay here. Stupid place. It's hideous, by the way. The red, the white. Just pick a color. Ridiculous.

Valkyrie: [Thor, Banner and Valkyrie arrive in Asgard] I never thought I'd be back here.

Bruce Banner: I thought it'd be nicer. I mean, not that it's not nice. It's just, it's on fire.

Loki: Fine. I guess I'll just have to go it alone. Like I've always done. Would you say something? Say something!

Thor: What would you like me to say? You faked your own death, you stole the throne, stripped Odin of his power, stranded him on Earth... to die, releasing the Goddess of Death. Have I said enough, or do you do you want me to go further back than the past two days?

Loki: [sees Thor examining his eye patch] It suits you.

Thor: Well, maybe you're not so bad after all, brother.

Loki: [smiles] Maybe not.

Thor: Thank you. If you were here, I might even give you a hug.

[tosses decanter top at Loki]

Loki: [catches it] I'm here.

Hulk: Thor sad.

Thor: Shut up.

Hulk: [shoves him] Thor sad.

Thor: I'm not sad, idiot. I'm pissed off!

[Hulk groans]

Thor: Angrier! I lost my father!

[kicks the stuff]

Thor: I lost my hammer!

[Hulk scoffs and turns away]

Hulk: Whining and crying, cry like baby!

Thor: You're not even listening!

[kicks the weapons at Hulk]

Hulk: Don't kick stuff!

[picks up the stuff and throws at him]

Thor: You're being a really bad friend!

Hulk: You bad friend!

Thor: You know what we call you?

Hulk: No!

Thor: We call you a stupid Avenger.

Hulk: YOU TINY AVENGER!

[throws the axe shield at him]

Thor: What are you, crazy?

Hulk: Yes!

Thor: You know what? Earth does hate you.

[Hela arrives in Asgard via the Bifrost]

Volstagg: Who are you? What have you done with Thor?

Hela: [effortlessly slaughters Volstagg and Fandral after they draw their weapons] I'm Hela.

Bruce Banner: Why did you dress me up like Tony?

Thor: Because you were naked.

Bruce Banner: Okay, I'll give you that.