Judd Altman: It's hard to see people from your past when your present is so cataclysmically screwed up, you know.

Horry Callen: Welcome to my world.
Penny Moore: You used to laugh at my jokes.

Judd Altman: No, I didn't.

Penny Moore: Yes, you did.

Judd Altman: Yes, I did, but your jokes used to be funnier.
Hillary Altman: You can't leave this house; we're sitting shiva.

Wendy Altman: Mom, you're sitting in the exact same spot we put our Christmas tree.
Phillip Altman: Sometimes I think you're too good for me.

Tracy Sullivan: Don't be silly, I'm definitely too good for you.
Paul Altman: Dad always had a soft spot for him.

Judd Altman: I think he liked us because we're a lot like him; he liked Phillip because he's nothing like him.
Judd Altman: I don't understand the Shiva. Mom's not even Jewish, and dad was an atheist.

Wendy Altman: A Jewish atheist, and this is what he wanted.
Horry Callen: Brain injury. There are things I can't do.

Judd Altman: Like what?

Horry Callen: Like remember what the hell it is I can't do.
Wendy Altman: Don't worry about Chelsea. Philip's skanky ex-girlfriends are a dime a dozen.

Tracy Sullivan: Do they all have to look like Victoria's Secret models?

Wendy Altman: She's not that hot.

Tracy Sullivan: Oh, come on! I would do her.

Wendy Altman: Yeah. I wouldn't say that in front of my brother.
Phillip Altman: Dad was a stoner?

Judd Altman: No, it was probably medicinal.

Phillip Altman: It always is.
Judd Altman: I'm gonna have to forgive her for the sake of that kid, aren't I?

Phillip Altman: Well, I'm no expert... but I think you're gonna have to make much larger sacrifices down the road.
Judd Altman: Three months ago I had a great job and a nice apartment and I was in love with my wife.

Wendy Altman: No, you weren't.

Judd Altman: No?

Wendy Altman: No. She was sleeping with somebody else for a year and you never noticed... How in love could you have been?

Judd Altman: Yep... That's fair.
Wade Beaufort: Stop chasing tens. Bang a four. Bang a five. Look at the gratitude in their face. You be the best part of their year.
Phillip Altman: Boner is a man of God now. I see Mom's new tits are present and accounted for
Wendy Altman: So, you are going to sleep with Penny, so you can forgive Quinn, and then get back on the road more traveled, and forget you ever got off.
Judd Altman: We've come apart there Mom. Could you please close that robe, please. Cover it!

Hillary Altman: They are just breasts, Judd. The same ones you suckled at.

Judd Altman: No Mother, those are not the same breasts you nursed us with. Those are... those are... you've got bionic breasts now.

Hillary Altman: Your Father didn't see it that way. He used to like to put his penis...

Judd Altman: Jesus Christ, Mother. Thank you
Wendy Altman: You need to put a baby in that woman, like yesterday.

Paul Altman: I'm working on it.

Wendy Altman: Have you had your man parts checked?

Paul Altman: Come on, not now Wendy.

Wendy Altman: You may have emptied them over the years... My room was next to yours... My room was next to yours.
Quinn Altman: Hi Phillip

Phillip Altman: Quinn. I always knew there was something of a cold hearted slut in you

Quinn Altman: It takes one to know one.

Phillip Altman: Touché, Pussycat.
Penny Moore: You coming in?

Judd Altman: Should I?

Penny Moore: I would.
Phillip Altman: Sorry I'm late

Judd Altman: You're a dick.

Phillip Altman: Yeah, tell me something I don't know.

Judd Altman: Your shirt is on inside out.

Phillip Altman: That, I did not know
Judd Altman: What's the matter with you. Do you ever think before you speak?

Phillip Altman: No, that would take all the fun out of it.
Judd Altman: You can't possibly know it' mine.

Quinn Altman: Trust me, it's yours.

Judd Altman: Well, strangely, trust is not the first impulse I have when it comes to you.
Linda Callen: It would be a terrible mistake to go through life thinking that people are the sum total of what you see.
Phillip Altman: I'm not selling you my shares. That's what I'm trying to tell you. I want to run the store with you.

Paul Altman: How exactly do you think you can add to the business?

Phillip Altman: I can help you grow it. New locations, and, and expanded lines. What?

Paul Altman: The only thing you've ever grown is weed.

Hillary Altman: And he was very good at it.
Paul Altman: [On phone to Annie] Calm down... Calm down... CALM DOWN. I'm coming home, I'm coming home.

[to everyone]

Paul Altman: I have to go have sex.

Judd Altman: Oh.

Wendy Altman: You know, in some cultures, people actually enjoy sex.

Paul Altman: Well, not when it's on a schedule.
Paul Altman: Judd dated Annie for 6 months, I've been married to her for 6 years. At what point are you going to stop being an asshole about it.

Phillip Altman: I don't know, maybe at the point it stops bugging the shit out of you.
Phillip Altman: Ah, well, we would be partners actually, after I bought Judd's shares.

Paul Altman: Buy? Little brother, you can't even buy a suit.
Paul Altman: Dad would have hated this funeral. It's just one of the things I loved about him. He would have been counting the minuets, so that he could go down the hill, turn on the game, and he would have talked about how full of shit everyone was, and didn't really miss him. He would have been wrong. I do miss him.
Judd Altman: It's not a good time, Wendy.

Wendy Altman: Dad's dead.

Judd Altman: [Taken aback] What?

Wendy Altman: [Crying] He died about an hour ago.

Judd Altman: They said he had more time.

Wendy Altman: Yeah, well apparently, he didn't.

Judd Altman: Shit. How's Mom?

Wendy Altman: She's Mom. You know, she asked me how much to tip the nurses. Listen, there's something else. Dad wants us to sit Shiva.

Judd Altman: Dad's dead.

Wendy Altman: Yeah, apparently that's the optimal time to do it.
Wade Beaufort: Now, I understand you are telling me that you think it's gay to groom your privates. Now, are you having one of your buddies help you run the razor? Is that what's making it gay?
Hillary Altman: God, the passion, the-the creativity, the - the angles.

Judd Altman: Jesus Christ!

Wendy Altman: Angles!

Hillary Altman: Mort knew his way around a woman's body.

Judd Altman: Mother!

Hillary Altman: And the sheer size of him. Circumference.

Judd Altman: Mom!

Hillary Altman: I don't mind telling you, the man was hung.

Wendy Altman: That should've been the headstone.
Phillip Altman: This is one of those tricky situations where, you either need someone to talk to or wanna be left alone. It'd be a great help if maybe you can let me know which one of these...

Judd Altman: Go away, please.

Phillip Altman: Okay.
Judd Altman: My marriage is over. I don't have a job.

Hillary Altman: That's why you didn't come see him these last few weeks? You thought he'd think less of you?

Judd Altman: I think less of me. I've got nothing. Look at me. Way too old to have this much nothing.
Judd Altman: Well, maybe she does care.

Barry Weissman: [laughs] I'm an asshole, Judd. I'm not stupid.
Wendy Altman: Sleeping with your shrink does not technically make you a relationship expert.

Phillip Altman: Yeah, but I am an expert in you.

Wendy Altman: Yeah? No, you're not.

Phillip Altman: Yes, I am. You raised me.
Wendy Altman: Love causes cancer like everything else, but it's still love. It has its moments.
Judd Altman: [to Wendy] Starting to do complicated. You proud of me?
[Annie is having loud sex and everybody is listening though baby monitor]

Judd Altman: Save money, everybody. Free of charge. Enjoy.
Judd Altman: Thanks!

Wade Beaufort: For what?

Judd Altman: Up until just now, I thought I was the most pathetic guy I knew. Wade: You're welcome.

[Judd shakes his head]
Judd Altman: You grabbed my dick, okay. That's why I've been avoiding you.

Annie Altman: I didn't mean to.

Judd Altman: Oh please, you didn't mean to. What-what'd you think you were gonna find down there, Annie?
Paul Altman: Phillip...

Judd Altman: ...needs a job.

Paul Altman: You need a job.

Judd Altman: I'll be okay.

Paul Altman: Do you really believe that?

Judd Altman: I'm getting there.
Phillip Altman: [about shiney red Jaguar] Is that Wade's car?

Judd Altman: That's one of his cars. He's got a few.

Phillip Altman: He has a few? Think he's compensating for something?

Judd Altman: Yeah. For having too much money.
Quinn Altman: Hi, Phillip.

Phillip Altman: Quinn! I always knew there was something of a cold-hearted slut in you!

Quinn Altman: Takes one to know one.

Phillip Altman: Touché, pussycat! So. What are you guys talking about?

Judd Altman: [at once] Nothing.

Quinn Altman: [at once] I'm pregnant.

Phillip Altman: Mazeltov?

This Is Where I Leave You Quotes

Extended Reading

This Is Where I Leave You short comments

Baylee 2022-04-23 07:02:23

Faz put it well: when u feel ur family is messy, because they are honest with each other, when it looks good, it means every body is lying.
Dylan 2022-03-25 09:01:09

Routine plot, but the actor is not bad.