The Wizard of Oz Quotes

Miss Gulch: [stopping bicycle and getting off] Gale?

Uncle Henry: Well, howdy, Miss Gulch.

Miss Gulch: [comes into the Gale's yard] I want to see you and your wife right away about Dorothy.

Uncle Henry: Dorothy? Well, what has Dorothy done?

Miss Gulch: What she's done? I'm all but lame from the bite on my leg!

Uncle Henry: You mean she bit you?

Miss Gulch: No, her dog!

Uncle Henry: Oh, she bit her dog, eh?

[Uncle Henry lets go of the gate, it hits Miss Gulch on the backside]

Miss Gulch: [exasperated] No!

Dorothy: [sings] It really was no miracle. What happened was just this: the wind began to switch, the house, to pitch! And suddenly the hinges started to unhitch. Just then, the Witch, to satisfy an itch, went flying on her broomstick, thumbing for a hitch!

Munchkin: [singing] And ooh, what happened then was rich!

Munchkins: [singing] The house began to pitch, the kitchen took a slitch! It landed on the Wicked Witch in the middle of a ditch! Which, was not a happy si-tu-ation for the Wicked Witch!

Dorothy: Now which way do we go?

The Scarecrow: Pardon me, this way is a very nice way.

Dorothy: Who said that?

[Toto barks at scarecrow]

Dorothy: Don't be silly, Toto. Scarecrows don't talk.

The Scarecrow: [points other way] It's pleasant down that way, too.

Dorothy: That's funny. Wasn't he pointing the other way?

The Scarecrow: [points both ways] Of course, some people do go both ways.

Dorothy: Oh please, Professor, why can't we go with you and see all the Crowned Heads of Europe?

Professor Marvel: Do you know any? Oh, you mean the... thing. Yes.

The Scarecrow: Come along, Dorothy. You don't want any of those apples. Hmph!

Angry Apple Tree: Are you hinting my apples aren't what they ought to be?

The Scarecrow: Oh, no. It's just that she doesn't like little green worms!

Angry Apple Tree: Oh you!

[shakes his branches angrily at the Scarecrow]

The Scarecrow: [in Dorothy's ear] I'll show you how to get apples!

[makes a face taunting the trees; they throw apples at him, knocking him down]

Dorothy: [concerned] Oh!

[the trees continue tossing apples at them]

The Scarecrow: Hooray! I guess that did it! Help yourself!

[they begin picking up the thrown apples]

The Scarecrow: I've got a plan to get in there.

The Cowardly Lion: Great, he's got a plan.

The Scarecrow: And you're going to lead us.

The Cowardly Lion: Yeah!... me?

The Scarecrow: Yes, you.

The Cowardly Lion: I... I... I gotta get her out of *there*?

The Tin Man: That's right.

The Cowardly Lion: [determined] All right. I'll go in there for Dorothy. Wicked Witch or no Wicked Witch, guards or no guards, I'll tear them apart. I may not come out alive, but I'm going in there. There's only one thing I want you fellas to do.

The Scarecrow, The Tin Man: What's that?

The Cowardly Lion: Talk me out of it.

The Cowardly Lion: Courage! What makes a king out of a slave? Courage! What makes the flag on the mast to wave? Courage! What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist, or the dusky dusk? What makes the muskrat guard his musk? Courage! What makes the sphinx the seventh wonder? Courage! What makes the dawn come up like thunder? Courage! What makes the Hottentot so hot? What puts the "ape" in apricot? What have they got that I ain't got?

Dorothy, The Scarecrow, The Tin Man: Courage!

The Cowardly Lion: You can say that again!... Huh?

The Cowardly Lion: I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks. I do, I do, I do, I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks, I do, I do, I do, I do!

The Wicked Witch of the West: Ah! You'll believe in more than that before I'm finished with you.

Dorothy: Weren't you frightened?

The Wizard of Oz: Frightened? Child, you're talking to a man who's laughed in the face of death, sneered at doom, and chuckled at catastrophe... I was petrified.

Dorothy: Do you suppose we'll meet any wild animals?

The Tin Man: Mm, we might.

The Scarecrow: Animals that, that eat... s-straw?

The Tin Man: Ah, some, but mostly lions, and tigers, and bears.

Dorothy: Lions?

The Scarecrow: And tigers?

The Tin Man: And bears.

Dorothy: Your Majesty, if you were king, you wouldn't be afraid of anything?

The Cowardly Lion: Not nobody! Not nohow!

The Tin Man: Not even a rhinoceros?

The Cowardly Lion: Imposerous!

Dorothy: How about a hippopotamus?

The Cowardly Lion: Why, I'd thrash him from top to bottomus!

Dorothy: Supposing you met an elephant?

The Cowardly Lion: I'd wrap him up in cellophant!

The Scarecrow: What if it were a brontosaurus?

The Cowardly Lion: I'd show him who was king of the forest!

Munchkin Mayor: Then this is a day of independence for all the Munchkins and their descendants!

Munchkin: If any!

Munchkin Mayor: Yes - let the joyous news be spread! The Wicked Old Witch at last is dead!

The Gatekeeper: Who rang that bell?

Dorothy, The Scarecrow, The Cowardly Lion, The Tin Man: [all four together] We did!

The Gatekeeper: Can't you read?

The Scarecrow: Read what?

The Gatekeeper: The notice!

Dorothy, The Scarecrow, The Cowardly Lion, The Tin Man: What notice?

The Gatekeeper: It's on the door - as plain as the nose on my face! It... oh...

[does a tsking, expression, goes inside door for a moment. He hangs the notice and goes back inside]

Dorothy, The Scarecrow, The Cowardly Lion, The Tin Man: [Reading notice, all together] Bell out of order, please knock.

[Dorothy knocks the door and he opens the window]

The Gatekeeper: Well, that's more like it! Now, state your business!

Dorothy, The Scarecrow, The Cowardly Lion, The Tin Man: [all together] We want to see the Wizard!

The Gatekeeper: [gasps] The Wizard? But, nobody can see the Great Oz! Nobody's ever seen the Great Oz! Even, I've never seen him!

Dorothy: Well, then how do you know there is one?

The Gatekeeper: Because, he... I... Oh, you're wasting my time.

[starts to close the window]

Dorothy: Oh, please. Please, sir. I've got to see the Wizard. The Good Witch of the North sent me.

The Gatekeeper: Prove it.

The Scarecrow: She's wearing the ruby slippers, she gave her.

The Gatekeeper: Oh, so she is! Well, bust my buttons! Why didn't you say that in the first place? That's a horse of a different color! Come on in!

The Scarecrow: What about the heart that you promised Tin Man? Or the courage you promised Lion?

The Cowardly Lion, The Tin Man: And Scarecrow's brain?

The Cowardly Lion: I- I- I hope my strength holds out.

The Tin Man: [hanging by Lion's tail] I hope your tail holds out!

Dorothy: My goodness, what a fuss you're making! Well naturally, when you go around picking on things weaker than you are, why, you're nothing but a great big coward!

The Cowardly Lion: [crying] You're right, I am a coward! I haven't any courage at all. I even scare myself.

[sobs]

The Cowardly Lion: Look at the circles under my eyes, I haven't slept in weeks!

The Tin Man: Why don't you try counting sheep?

The Cowardly Lion: That doesn't do any good, I'm *afraid* of 'em!

The Scarecrow: Aw, that's too bad.

The Wizard of Oz: [speaking in a booming voice into microphone] I am the great and powerful...

[then, realizing that it is useless to continue his masquerade, moves away from microphone, speaks in a normal voice]

The Wizard of Oz: ... Wizard of Oz.

'Zeke': Listen, kid. Are you gonna let that old Gulch heifer try and buffalo ya? She ain't nothing to be afraid of. Have a little *courage*, that's all.

Dorothy: I'm not afraid of her.

'Zeke': Well then, next time she squawks, walk right up to her and spit in her eye. That's what I'd do.

[the Cowardly Lion has just received a Courage Medal from the Wizard of Oz]

The Cowardly Lion: Shucks, folks, I'm speechless. Ha Ha!

Dorothy: Did you say something?

[indiscernible sounds from the rusted Tin Man]

Dorothy: He said oil can!

The Scarecrow: Oil can what?

Dorothy: Oil can...? What... Oh! Here it is! Where do you want to be oiled first?

[Tin Man squeaks]

The Scarecrow: He said his mouth!

[they dab oil into the corners of Tin Man's mouth]

The Tin Man: [working his mouth loose] Muh... ma... me... mah... my, my goodness, I can talk again! Oh, oil my arms please! Oil my elbows!

[they do so, and help to wrench down the arm holding up the axe]

Dorothy: [concerned] Oh, did that hurt?

The Tin Man: No, it feels wonderful. I've held that axe up for ages.

Auntie Em: Now, you just help us out today and find yourself a place where you won't get into any trouble!

Dorothy: Someplace where there isn't any trouble. Do you suppose there is such a place, Toto? There must be. It's not a place you can get to by a boat or a train. It's far, far away. Behind the moon, beyond the rain...

[sings]

Dorothy: Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high, there's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby. Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue... and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true. Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me... where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me... Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow... why, then, oh why can't I? If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow... why oh why can't I?

Dorothy: [has just arrived in Oz, looking around and awed at the beauty and splendor] Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more.

Dorothy: [after a pause] We must be over the rainbow!

[a bubble appears in the sky and gets closer and closer. It finally lands, then turns into Glinda the Good Witch wearing a spectacular pink dress and crown, holding a wand]

Dorothy: [to Toto] Now I... I know we're not in Kansas!

The Tin Man: Where do we go now?

The Cowardly Lion: Yeah...

[Toto barks]

The Scarecrow: There!

[they follow Toto up the stairs, he scratches at the door to the room with Dorothy]

The Scarecrow: Wait, we better make sure. Dorothy, are you in there? It's us!

Dorothy: [running to the door] Yes! It's me! She locked me in!

The Cowardly Lion: Come on! We gotta get her out! Open the door!

Dorothy: Oh hurry, please, hurry! The hourglass is almost empty!

The Tin Man: Stand back!

[he takes his axe to the door; it swings open just as the last sand trickles away]

Dorothy: Oh! Oh Toto! Oh I knew you'd come! Oh Lion! Tin Man! You found my doggie!

The Scarecrow: Hurry! We've got no time to lose!

[they race down the stairs; the doors bang shut on them]

The Wicked Witch of the West: [cackling] Leaving so soon? I wouldn't hear of it! Why, my little party's just beginning!

The Cowardly Lion: I'll get you anyway, Peewee.

[Chases Toto]

Dorothy: [smacking him on the nose] Shame on you!

The Cowardly Lion: [sobbing] Why did you do that for? I didn't bite him!

Dorothy: No, but you tried to. It's bad enough picking on a straw man, but when you go around picking on poor little dogs!

The Cowardly Lion: Well, you didn't have hit me, didja?

[sobs]

The Cowardly Lion: Is my nose bleeding?

Dorothy: Well, of course not.

[he continues to sob]

Dorothy: My goodness, what a fuss you're making!

The Scarecrow: I haven't got a brain... only straw.

Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?

The Scarecrow: I don't know... But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking... don't they?

Dorothy: Yes, I guess you're right.

The Tin Man: Here, here. Go away and let us alone.

The Cowardly Lion: Oh, scared, huh? Afraid, huh? Ah, how long can you stay fresh in that can? Ha ha ha ha.

The Scarecrow: Help! Help! Help!

[Flying Monkeys leave; Tin Man and Lion find him]

The Tin Man: Well, what happened to you?

The Scarecrow: First they tore my legs off and they threw them over there! Then they took my chest out and they threw it over there...!

The Tin Man: Oh, that's you all over!

The Cowardly Lion: Sure knocked the stuffin' outta ya, didn't they?

The Scarecrow: Don't stand there talking! Put me together! We've got to find Dorothy!

[Tin Man and Lion start gathering up his straw]

[Dorothy watches the Wicked Witch melt]

The Wicked Witch of the West: [her final lines] You cursed brat! Look what you've done! I'm melting! melting! Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness? Oooooh, look out! I'm going! Oooooh! Ooooooh!

The Wizard of Oz: As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.

The Tin Man: But, I... I still want one.

The Scarecrow: The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side. Oh joy! Rapture! I got a brain! How can I ever thank you enough?

The Wizard of Oz: Well, you can't.

The Tin Man: What have you learned, Dorothy?

Dorothy: Well, I - I think that it - it wasn't enough to just want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em - and it's that - if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with! Is that right?

[last lines]

Dorothy: Oh, but anyway, Toto, we're home. Home! And this is my room, and you're all here. And I'm not gonna leave here ever, ever again, because I love you all, and - oh, Auntie Em - there's no place like home!

[Dorothy is brought to the Witch's castle]

The Wicked Witch of the West: What a nice little dog. And you, my dear, what an unexpected pleasure. It's so kind of you to want to visit me in my loneliness.

The Wicked Witch of the West: Who killed my sister? Who killed the Witch of the East? Was it you?

Dorothy: No. No, it was an accident! I didn't mean to kill anybody!

The Wicked Witch of the West: Well, my little pretty, I can cause accidents, too!

The Scarecrow: You're going to see a wizard?

Dorothy: Mm-hm!

The Scarecrow: Do you think if I went with you this wizard would give me some brains?

Dorothy: I couldn't say. But even if he didn't, you'd be no worse off than you are now.

The Scarecrow: Yes, that's true.

Dorothy: ...But, maybe you'd better not. I've got a witch mad at me and you might get into trouble.

The Scarecrow: A witch? I'm not afraid of a witch! I'm not afraid of anything!... Oh, ehm... Except a lighted match.

[fluffs his straw]

Dorothy: I don't blame you for that.

The Scarecrow: But I'd face a whole box full of 'em for the chance of getting some brains! Look, I won't be any trouble, because I don't need to think. And I won't try to manage things, because I can't think! Won't you take me with you?

Dorothy: Why, of course I will!

The Wicked Witch of the West: You stay out of this, Glinda! Or I'll fix you as well!

Glinda: Oh-ho-ho-ho, rubbish! You have no power here! Now begone, before somebody drops a house on YOU.

[Wicked Witch glances nervously at the sky]

Dorothy: Oh, Thank you so much! We've been gone such a long time and we feel so messy...

[she sees the horse is a brilliant purple]

Dorothy: What kind of a horse is that? I've never seen a horse like that before!

The Carriage Driver: And never will again, I fancy. There's only one of him and he's it. He's the Horse of a Different Color you've heard tell about!

Manicurist in Emerald City: We can make a dimpled smile out of a frown.

Dorothy: Can you even dye my eyes to match my gown?

Manicurist in Emerald City: Uh-huh.

Dorothy: Jolly old town!

[Dorothy, the Scarecrow, and the Tin Man watch as the Wicked Witch of the West vanishes into a fireball]

The Scarecrow: I'm not afraid of her! I'll see you get safely to the Wizard now, whether I get a brain or not. Stuff a mattress with me. Ha!

The Tin Man: I'll see you reach the Wizard, whether I get a heart or not. Beehive, bah! Let her try and make a beehive out of me!

[snaps his fingers with a clunking sound]

Dorothy: Oh, you're the best friends anybody ever had. And it's funny, but I feel as if I'd known you all the time, but I couldn't have, could I?

The Scarecrow: I don't see how. You weren't around when I was stuffed and sewn together, were you?

The Tin Man: And I was standing over there, rusting for the longest time.

Dorothy: Still, I wish I could remember... but I guess it doesn't matter anyway. We know each other now, don't we?

The Scarecrow: That's right.

The Tin Man: We do.

The Scarecrow: To Oz?

The Tin Man: To Oz.

Dorothy: Goodbye, Tin Man. Oh, don't cry! You'll rust so dreadfully. Here. Here's your oil can.

[kisses him]

Dorothy: Goodbye.

The Tin Man: Now I know I've got a heart, 'cause it's breaking...

Dorothy: Goodbye, Lion. You know, I know it isn't right, but I'm going to miss the way you used to holler for help before you found your courage.

The Cowardly Lion: [tearfully] I never would've found it, if it hadn't been for you...

Dorothy: [to Scarecrow] I think I'll miss you most of all.

Dorothy: You go away or I - I'll bite you myself!

Auntie Em: Dorothy!

'Hunk': Now look here, Dorothy, you ain't using your head about Miss Gulch. You'd think you didn't have any brains at all.

Dorothy: I have so got brains.

'Hunk': Well, why don't you use them? When you come home, don't go by Miss Gulch's place. Then Toto won't get in her garden, and you won't get in no trouble. See?

Dorothy: Oh Hunk, you just won't listen, that's all.

'Hunk': Well, your head ain't made of straw, you know.

Auntie Em: Here, here, what's all this jabber-wapping when there's work to be done? I know three shiftless farmhands that'll be out of a job before they know it.

'Hickory': Well, Dorothy was walking along...

Auntie Em: I saw you tinkering with that contraption, Hickory! Now you and Hunk get back to that wagon.

'Hickory': All right, Mrs. Gale. But someday, they're going to erect a statue to me in this town, and...

Auntie Em: Well, don't start posing for it now!

The Cowardly Lion: Come on, get up and fight, you shivering junkyard!

[goes over to the Scarecrow]

The Cowardly Lion: And put your hands up, you lopsided bag of hay!

The Scarecrow: Now that's getting personal, Lion.

The Tin Man: Yes. Get up and teach him a lesson.

The Scarecrow: Well, what's wrong with you teaching him?

The Tin Man: Well, I hardly know him.

The Cowardly Lion: [getting a panic attack walking into the Wizard's foyer] Wait a minute, fellas. I was just thinking. I really don't want to see the Wizard this much. I'd better wait for you outside.

The Scarecrow: What's the matter?

The Tin Man: Oh, he's just s-scared again.

Dorothy: Don't you know the Wizard's going to give you some courage?

The Cowardly Lion: I'd be too scared to ask him for it.

[sobs]

Dorothy: Well then, we'll ask him for you.

The Cowardly Lion: I'd sooner wait outside.

Dorothy: Why? Why?

The Cowardly Lion: Because I'm still *scared*.

[sobs]

The Wicked Witch of the West: Helping the little lady along are you, my fine gentlemen? Well stay away from her!

[points to Scarecrow]

The Wicked Witch of the West: Or I'll stuff a mattress with you!

[to Tin Man]

The Wicked Witch of the West: And you! I'll use you for a beehive. Here Scarecrow, wanna play ball?

[throws a ball of fire at Scarecrow who yelps and jumps back; Tin Man smothers it with his funnel hat]

Dorothy: [Reaches to pick an apple from the apple tree, the tree grabs the apple and slaps her hand] Ouch!

Angry Apple Tree: What do you think you're doing?

Dorothy: We've been walking a long ways and I was hungry and... did you say something?

Angry Apple Tree: She was hungry!

Apple Tree: [Repeating after The Angry Apple Tree] She was hungry!

Angry Apple Tree: Well, how would you like to have someone come along and pick something off of you?

Dorothy: Oh, dear! I keep forgetting I'm not in Kansas!

The Scarecrow: [disparagingly] Come along, Dorothy. You don't want any of *those* apples! Hmph!

Angry Apple Tree: Are you hinting my apples aren't what they ought to be?

The Scarecrow: [sarcastically] Oh no! It's just that she doesn't like little green worms!

Angry Apple Tree: Oh you!

[the trees start shaking their branches angrily]

The Scarecrow: [in Dorothy's ear] I'll show you how to get apples!

[taunts the trees by making a face; the first tree throws an apple that knocks him down]

Dorothy: [concerned] Oh!

[the trees continue throwing apples]

The Scarecrow: Hooray! I guess that did it! Help yourself!

Uncle Henry: Come on, everybody in the storm cellar!

Auntie Em: [panicked] Henry, help me, I can't find Dorothy, she's somewhere out in the storm!

Uncle Henry: Em, we can't look for her now! Come on, get in the cellar, hurry up!

Auntie Em: [screams] DOROTHYYYY!

Dorothy: [as the Wizard's balloon goes off without her] Oh! Come back! Come back! Don't go without me! Please come back!

The Wizard of Oz: I can't come back, I don't know how it works! Good-bye, folks!

[the people shout and wave goodbye]

Dorothy: Oh no, I'll never get home...

[she begins to cry]

The Cowardly Lion: [emotionally] Stay with us then, Dorothy. We all love ya. We don't... want you to go.

Dorothy: Oh, that's very kind of you. But this could never be like Kansas. Auntie Em must have stopped wondering what happened to me by now! Oh, Scarecrow, what am I gonna do?

The Scarecrow: [pointing] Look! Here's someone who can help you!

[Glinda's pink bubble descends]

The Wicked Witch of the West: How about a little fire, Scarecrow? Crow!

[she sets fire to his arm, Dorothy screams]

The Scarecrow: Help, I'm burning, I'm burning!

[Dorothy grabs a bucket]

The Wicked Witch of the West: Don't touch that water!

[Dorothy heaves the bucket at the fire, the water splashes the Witch]

The Wicked Witch of the West: Aaagh! You cursed brat! Look what you've done! I'm melting! Melting! Oh, what a world, what a world! Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness! Oh, look out! Look out! I'm going...! Ooooohhhhh, ooooooohhhhhhh...

The Cowardly Lion: [singing] I'd be brave as a blizzard...

The Tin Man: [singing] I'd be gentle as a lizard...

The Scarecrow: [singing] I'd be clever as a gizzard...

Dorothy: [singing] If the Wizard is a wizard who will serve.

The Scarecrow: [singing] Then I'm sure to get a brain...

The Tin Man: [singing] A heart...

Dorothy: [singing] A home...

The Cowardly Lion: [singing] The nerve!

The Scarecrow: Oh, oh, what's happening, what is it? I can't run anymore. Oh, I'm so sleepy...

The Scarecrow: Here, give us your hands and we'll pull you along!

Dorothy: Oh no no, please, I have to rest for just a minute. Toto, where's Toto?

[she falls down, asleep]

The Scarecrow: Oh you can't rest now, we're nearly there!

[Tin Man starts crying]

The Scarecrow: Don't cry! You'll rust yourself again!

The Cowardly Lion: Come to think of it, forty winks wouldn't be bad...

[he sags]

The Scarecrow: [trying to hold him up] Don't you start too!

The Tin Man: [grabbing him] No! We'd better try and carry Dorothy!

The Scarecrow: I don't think I could... but we could try!

The Tin Man: Let's!

The Scarecrow: Yes!

[the lion collapses]

The Tin Man: Oh, now look at him! This is terrible!

The Scarecrow: Here, Tin Man, help me!

[they tug at Dorothy]

The Scarecrow: Oh, this is terrible! Can't budge her an inch! This is a spell, this is!

The Tin Man: It's the Wicked Witch! What'll we do? Help! HELP!

The Scarecrow: It's no use screaming at a time like this! Nobody will hear you!... Help, HEEEEELLLLP!

The Wizard of Oz: They have one thing you haven't got: a diploma. Therefore, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Universitartus Committiartum E Pluribus Unum, I hereby confer upon you the honorary degree of ThD.

The Scarecrow: ThD?

The Wizard of Oz: That's... Doctor of Thinkology.

Glinda: Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?

Dorothy: Who me? I'm not a witch at all. I'm Dorothy Gale, from Kansas.

Glinda: Oh. Well, is that the witch?

[pointing to Toto]

Dorothy: Who, Toto? Toto's my dog!

Glinda: [laughs] Well, I'm a little muddled! The Munchkins called me because a new witch has just dropped a house on the Wicked Witch of the East. And there's the house, and here you are, and that's all that's left of the Wicked Witch of the East.

[she points to a pair of legs sticking out from under the house; Dorothy gasps]

Glinda: So, what the Munchkins want to know is, are you a good witch, or a bad witch?

Dorothy: But, I've already told you, I'm not a witch at all! Witches are old, and ugly!

[they hear giggles]

Dorothy: What was that?

Glinda: The Munchkins. They're laughing because, I *am* a Witch. I'm Glinda, the Witch of the North.

Dorothy: You are?

[she curtsies]

Dorothy: Oh, I beg your pardon! But, I've never heard of a beautiful witch before.

[first lines]

Dorothy: She isn't coming yet, Toto. Did she hurt you? She tried to, didn't she? Come on. We'll go tell Uncle Henry and Auntie Em.

The Wicked Witch of the West: And now, my beauties, something with poison in it, I think. With poison in it, but attractive to the eye, and soothing to the smell.

[cackles]

The Wicked Witch of the West: Poppies... Poppies. Poppies will put them to sleep. Sleeeeep. Now they'll sleeeeep!

Dorothy: I'm frightened, Auntie Em! I'm frightened!

[Auntie Em's image appears in the crystal ball]

Auntie Em: Dorothy? Dorothy? Where are you? It's me, Auntie Em! We're trying to find you! Where are you?

Dorothy: I'm here in Oz, Auntie Em! I'm locked in the witch's castle, and I'm trying to get home to you, Auntie Em!

[Auntie Em's image fades out]

Dorothy: Oh, Auntie Em, don't go away! I'm frightened! Come back! Come back!

[the Wicked Witch's image appears in the crystal ball]

The Wicked Witch of the West: Auntie Em! Auntie Em! Come back! I'll give you Auntie Em, my pretty!

[cackling, to the audience, cackling again and the Wicked Witch's image fades out]

Dorothy: [in the Wizard's Throne Room with the three others, having returned from the Witch's castle] Please, sir. We've done what you told us. We brought you the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West. We melted her!

The Wizard of Oz: Oh, you liquidated her, eh? Very resourceful!

Captain of the Winkie Guard: [after the Wicked Witch has melted] She's... She's dead. You killed her.

Dorothy: I didn't mean to kill her. Really, I didn't. It's just that he was on fire.

Captain of the Winkie Guard: Hail to Dorothy! The Wicked Witch is dead!

The Winkies: [all kneel before Dorothy] *Hail*! Hail to Dorothy! The Wicked Witch is dead!

Dorothy: The broom! May we have it?

Captain of the Winkie Guard: [hands Dorothy the broomstick] Please. And take it with you.

Dorothy: Oh, thank you so much! Now we can go back to the Wizard, and tell him the Wicked Witch is dead!

The Winkies: The Wicked Witch is dead!

Miss Gulch: If you don't hand over that dog, I'll bring a damage suit that'll take your whole farm! There's a law protecting folks against dogs that bite!

Auntie Em: How would it be if she keeps him tied up? He's really gentle... with gentle people, that is.

The Wizard of Oz: [in a booming voice] Step forward, Tin Man!

The Tin Man: [terrified, steps forward] Ohhhh!

The Wizard of Oz: [still in a booming voice] You DARE to come to me for a heart, do you? You clinking, clanking, clattering collection of caligenous junk!

The Tin Man: Yes, sir. Yes, your honor. You see... a while back, we were walking down the yellow brick road. And...

The Wizard of Oz: [booming voice] Quiet!

The Wizard of Oz: [booming voice] And you, Scarecrow, have the affrontery to ask for a brain, you billowing bale of bovine fodder!

The Scarecrow: Y-Yes... Yes, Your Honor... I mean, Your Excellency... I-I mean, Your Wizardry.

The Wizard of Oz: [booming voice] Enough!

Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?

The Scarecrow: I don't know! But some people without brains do an *awful* lot of talking, don't they?

Dorothy: Yes, I guess you're right.

Dorothy: [Toto is held hostage by the Witch and one of her monkeys] What are you gonna do to my dog? Give him back to me!

The Wicked Witch of the West: All in good time, my little pretty. All in good time.

Dorothy: Oh, please give me back my dog!

The Wicked Witch of the West: Certainly, certainly. When you give me those slippers.

Dorothy: But the Good Witch of the North told me not to!

The Wicked Witch of the West: Very well.

[to Flying Monkey]

The Wicked Witch of the West: Throw that basket in the river and drown him!

Dorothy: NO! No no, here... you can have your old slippers, but give me back Toto!

The Wicked Witch of the West: That's a good little girl. I knew you'd see reason.

[stooped to take the shoes but fire leaps out and burns her]

The Wicked Witch of the West: Aagh!

Dorothy: Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't do it! Can I still have my dog?

The Wicked Witch of the West: No! Fool that I am! I should have remembered; those slippers will never come off, as long as you're alive. But that's not what's worrying me. It's *how* to do it. These things must be done *delicately*, or you hurt the spell.

[Toto leaps from the basket and runs for it]

Dorothy: Run Toto, RUN!

The Wicked Witch of the West: Catch him!

[Guards throw spears at Toto]

Dorothy: Run, Toto, run! Run Toto, run! He got away! He got away!

The Wicked Witch of the West: Which is more than you will! Drat you and your dog! You've been more trouble to me than you're worth one way or another, but it'll soon be over now!

[grabs an hourglass and turns it over]

The Wicked Witch of the West: See that? That's how much longer you've got to be alive! And it isn't long, my pretty, it isn't long! I can't wait forever to get those shoes!

Dorothy: Oh will you help me? Can you help me?

Glinda: You don't need to be helped any longer. You've always had the power to go back to Kansas.

Dorothy: I have?

The Scarecrow: Then why didn't you tell her before?

Glinda: Because she wouldn't have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.

The Tin Man: What have you learned, Dorothy?

Dorothy: Well, I, I think that it, that it wasn't enough just to want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em. And it's that if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with. Is that right?

Glinda: That's all it is.

Dorothy: You ought to be ashamed of yourself, frightening him like that when he came for you to help!

The Wizard of Oz: [booming voice] Silence, whippersnapper! The beneficent Oz has every intention of granting your requests!

The Cowardly Lion: What's that? What'd he say?

Dorothy: Oh, come on.

[pulls the Lion up]

The Cowardly Lion: Huh, what'd he say?

The Wizard of Oz: [booming voice] But first, you must prove yourselves worthy by performing a very small task. Bring me the broomstick of the Witch of the West.

The Tin Man: But if we do that, We'll have to kill her to get it.

The Wizard of Oz: [booming voice] Bring me her broomstick, and I'll grant your requests. Now, go!

The Cowardly Lion: But... but, what if she kills us first?

The Wizard of Oz: [booming voice] I said GO!

[the Cowardly Lion jumps with fright and running of the Wizard's throne room, jumps out of the window]

The Wizard of Oz: Can I believe my eyes? Why have you come back?

Dorothy: Please, sir, we've done what you told us. We've brought you the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West. We melted her!

The Wizard of Oz: Ah, you liquidated her, eh? Very resourceful.

Dorothy: Yes, sir. So we'd like you to keep your promise to us, if you please, sir.

The Wizard of Oz: Not so fast, not so fast! I'll have to give the matter a little thought. Go away and come back tomorrow.

Dorothy: Tomorrow? Oh, but I want to go home now!

The Tin Man: You've had plenty of time already!

The Cowardly Lion: [snarls] Yeahhh...

The Wizard of Oz: Do not arouse the wrath of the Great and Powerful Oz! I said, come back tomorrow!

[Toto runs off behind a curtain]

Dorothy: If you were really great and powerful, you'd keep your promises!

The Wizard of Oz: Do you presume to criticize the Great Oz? You ungrateful creatures! Think yourselves lucky that I'm giving you audience tomorrow instead of twenty years from now!

[Toto pulls the curtain aside, revealing the real Wizard of Oz as a short, middle-aged man with blond hair]

The Wizard of Oz: Oh...!

[turns and speaks into the megaphone]

The Wizard of Oz: The Great Oz has spoken! Oh!

[he pulls the curtain again]

The Wizard of Oz: Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! The greatest... Oz... has... spoken!

Dorothy: [Yanking back the curtain] Who are you?

The Wizard of Oz: Who, ah, ah... I am the Great and Powerful...! Wizard, of Oz...

Dorothy: YOU are? I don't believe you!

The Wizard of Oz: Well, I'm afraid it's true, there's no other Wizard except me...

The Scarecrow: [angrily] You HUMBUG!

The Cowardly Lion: Yeah!

The Wizard of Oz: [ashamed] Yes, yes, exactly so, I'm a humbug.

Dorothy: Oh... You're a very bad man!

The Wizard of Oz: Oh, no, my dear! I, I'm a very good man! I'm... just a very bad wizard.

The Scarecrow: How can I ever thank you enough?

The Wizard of Oz: Well, you can't!

Glinda: Now those magic slippers will take you home in two seconds.

Dorothy: Toto too?

Glinda: Toto too.