The Wizard of Lies Quotes

Bernie Madoff: The advisory is a fraud. There are no investments.

Mark Madoff: What are you talking about? Of course there are invesments.

Bernie Madoff: I've made them up.

Mark Madoff: And our every statement?

Bernie Madoff: I've made them up.

Andrew Madoff: I've seen the trades.

Bernie Madoff: They're fake. All fake. Basically, just a big Ponzi scheme.

Ruth Madoff: What's a Ponzi scheme?

Bernie Madoff: I took money from some people, I gave it to others and I'll never... now there's nothing left. There's supposed to be 50 Billion, there's absolutely nothing, it's all gone.

Mark Madoff: How could you do this?

Bernie Madoff: I just couldn't stop it...

Mark Madoff: Bullshit.

Bernie Madoff: It got bigger and bigger and i just wouldn't stop it.

Mark Madoff: Bullshit.

Mark Madoff: I don't understand!

Bernie Madoff: Are you a fucking idiot? Are you a fucking idiot? Answer me.

Mark Madoff: I don't understand!

Bernie Madoff: No, you don't understand! You don't have to fucking understand! You're asking me about taking advisory but couldn't follow a simple instruction and shut the fuck up! You don't understand, you don't understand so leave it alone.

Mark Madoff: Okay. Sorry.

Mark Madoff: I wanna know why you're acting this way.

Bernie Madoff: Fucking market is a bloodbath.

Mark Madoff: Up until December 10th of 2008, I spent the entirity of my life in awe of my father. I juged every accomplishment, every failure, professionally and personally against the life he lived. He's a proven man in everything and maybe, too much as long as I could remember I worked as hard I could to make him proud. And then one day, I found out that my father was not the man that I thought. He's a criminal, a man I didn't respect. And yet, this man, my father is the same man who taught me right from wrong, taught me to be fair and decent and honest, taught me about the importance of character, what it means to be a husband... and most importantly, how to be a father. I am the son of Bernie Madoff. I used to think I could never escape that. Now I'm certain I won't. Why is it so hard to believe that those closest to him didn't see him as a criminal? Why is it so hard to believe that his son would think his father could do no wrong? When I look at my youngest son, Nick, I fear the day when he's old enough to ask what's his grandfather was like. What kind of man was he? If I tell him he's evil, how can I explain...

[mumbles incoherently and cries]

Mark Madoff: You should trust me in helping with advisory. I can handle this kind of thing for you.

Bernie Madoff: That's my business, not yours.

Mark Madoff: Ahd what happens when you're gone?

Bernie Madoff: I'm not having this discussion with you.

Mark Madoff: I'm just asking you...

Bernie Madoff: I'm not having this discussion with you.

Mark Madoff: What is it, dad? Tell me. What is it? Is it that I'm not cut out?

Bernie Madoff: Are you not listening me?

Mark Madoff: Just be honest with me. Just tell me.

Bernie Madoff: Do you not see what I have to deal with, the shit I have to go through on a day on daily basis?

Mark Madoff: No, that's why...

Bernie Madoff: The fucking shit that they put me through and fuck me all the time? Steal from me? Do you think you can do that? Do you think you can deal with that?

Mark Madoff: Yes, I can.

Bernie Madoff: I don't think you can deal with that. Bullshit, I don't think so. You can't stomach that stuff, that's not in you. Andy maybe, but not you.

Mark Madoff: What? What are you saying... are you saying that Andy is... What are saying... that Andy is better at his job than I am?

Bernie Madoff: Mark...

Mark Madoff: I go to that fucking office every single day, I do the same thing that he does.

Bernie Madoff: I gave you a fucking business to run, are you not happy with that? Wasn't that good enough for you?

Mark Madoff: It is definitely good enough for me. I...

Bernie Madoff: Then just shut the fuck up and give me a little of fucking grattitude and say "Thanks, dad". Can't you do that? What do you think, the whole fucking world owes you something? The whole fucking world owes you nothing! You gotta work for it! And I always said this to your mother. This is the problem with having money and education. Nothing is earned. You want something, you gotta fucking work for it!

Mark Madoff: And you don't think I have?

[the Madoffs watch TV as they attempt suicide by Ambien overdose]

Ruth Madoff: Can't we just have quiet?

Bernie Madoff: I can't fall asleep unless I watch something.

Ruth Madoff: You just took a whole fucking bottle of Ambien, Bernie. Sleep's not gonna be your problem.

Bernie Madoff: My mind races.

Ruth Madoff: Fine. Our last night on Earth will be you, me and Judy Garland. How romantic.

Bernie Madoff: Let's not get started, Ruth.

[Bernie takes Ruth's hand]

Bernie Madoff: We had a good life, didn't we?

Ruth Madoff: Hmm. Yeah. Until you ruined it.

Frank DiPascali: In my expierience, and I mean this, there's only four different types of pussy. Okay? I'm dead serious. You got your... Let me show you. I just saw one. All right, right there. See there? That's your Honda Civic pussy. Gets you where you wanna go. No shame in this pussy at all. Reliable. You just, you know, you're not gonna be proud to be seen riding around town in it, am I right? Nothing against her.

Andrew Madoff: What's going on?

BLM Employee: It's the world according to Frankie over there.

Frank DiPascali: Right there. You see that there? That's your Buick Regal pussy. A step up from the Honda. Uh, generally, they're cleaner, okay? Roomier, you fit more passengers in there. I guess there's pros and cons to that in a pussy. You know, lovely pussy. Nobody's gonna mistake it for a Benz, though, am I right? Am I right, Robert? Okay, thank you. God bless you.

Frank DiPascali: [continues] Next up, my personal favourite. I just saw one. There. Now, don't make it obvious. Right there. That is you Lincoln Continental pussy. Beautiful. Just... It's just right. You know what I mean? Like Goldilocks, just right. It's not too fancy, it's not too plain. It just... It's just comfortable. It just fits. No, no, it's like an old pair of slippers except instead of your foot, you put your cock in it. Am I wrong?

Frank DiPascali: [continues] No, no, stay with me and hold all questions till the end. Okay. Right tere, you see that? Ugh. There it... Read it and weep. It's your Mercedes-Benz pussy. Right? Look at it. I mean, it's beautiful. It's just a feat of vaginal engineerig. No, it handles just great. It's sleek, it's tight, it looks good, it feels good, it smells good. But a lot of upkeep. Yeah? Payments are murder and you gotta wax it, you gotta polish it, you gotta talk to it, you gotta listen to it. And, most importantly, you gotta remain ever-vigilant that nobody fucking jacks it, right? You don't have to worry about that, 'cause you'll never get near anything like that. So don't worry about it.

[last lines]

Bernie Madoff: Let me ask you a question. Do you think I'm a sociopath?