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Nick Mercer: Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close... your... eyes. You're safe. You can relax. I'm not going to kiss you. He's gonna be so sorry he lost you, so stop worrying. Forget the past. Forget the pain. And remember what an incredible woman you are. You do that and he'll realize what he lost.
Kat Ellis: Holy crap. You're worth every penny.
-
[asked by her mother what is wrong]
Kat Ellis: Nothing that a bottle of Jack and a straight razor won't fix.
-
TJ: [after seeing Nick wink] I think I've just come.
-
TJ: [sees Kat with Jeffery] Oh my God! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! Top Kat! Ooooh! Where the bloody hell have you been? I have gynaecologists that call more often.
Kat Ellis: You have more than one gynaecologist?
TJ: You have to play them off. Otherwise they think your easy
TJ: [turns to Jeffery] Hello asshole. Listen, since you dumped my cousin brutally, and without cause, you won't mind if I just steal her away will you? Thanks
-
Jeffrey: Kat, could I have a word? It'll only take a moment.
Bunny: Well, let me think. You stole seven years of her life with your bullshit and your charm and now you'd like just a moment? Sure, go right ahead.
Kat Ellis: Thanks for the solidarity, Mom, but next time a little less information.
-
Nick Mercer: I'd rather fight with you than make love with anyone else.
-
Kat Ellis: You know what pisses me off? I've been spilling my guts all weekend and I don't know a thing about you.
Nick Mercer: [pause] I'm allergic to fabric softener. I majored in comparative literature at Brown. I hate anchovies. And I think I'd miss you even if we never met.
-
Airplane Passenger: Your first time flying?
Kat Ellis: My sister's getting married and the best man is my ex. In case I chicken out, I want to know where all the exits are.
-
Kat Ellis: [about her mother] Oh sweet Jesus, who gave that woman an amp?
-
Kat Ellis: An escort at a funeral? Somebody's dead.
Nick Mercer: Yeah, imagine facing that alone.
-
Jeffrey: [about Kat] I didn't deserve her back then.
Edward Fletcher-Wooten: And you do now?
-
Edward Fletcher-Wooten: Oh, come on. Who heard about dance lessons for a wedding?
Nick Mercer: Just about everybody.
-
Jeffrey: You hate sports.
Kat Ellis: I hate cricket.
Jeffrey: Right.
-
Edward Fletcher-Wooten: How do you know so much about so much?
Nick Mercer: *I'm* a hooker.
-
Kat Ellis: Mom, this is so not the time to be yourself.
-
Kat Ellis: [to Nick] You're like the Yoda of escorts. Getting you on the phone was harder than getting into college.
-
Nick Mercer: There's no such thing as "out of the blue".
-
Nick Mercer: [to Kat] Let me teach you a trick: if you look people in the eye, they won't notice what you're wearing.
-
Nick Mercer: This happened *to* you?
Kat Ellis: Happened in the sense that I picked up the phone, tracked you down, flew you here, and gave you $6,000 out of my 401K.
-
TJ: Darling, why spend anymore time on that horse's ass when Mr. Tie-Me-Up-Tie-Me-Down is standing right over there?
-
Nick Mercer: Is that an old habit from ballet class or from a lifetime of walking on eggshells?
Kat Ellis: I never took ballet.
[closes bathroom door]
-
TJ: [to Kat and Amy] The only thing that you two have in common is that you're both secretly attracted to me.
-
Bartender At Pub: [to Kat after she changes into the upteenth dress] Well I'd shag ya.
[turns to Nick]
Bartender At Pub: If that's all right with you.
-
Amy: You're my half sister but I whole love you.
Kat Ellis: [to Woody] Why don't you get my half sister her seventh hole?
Amy: Tequila!
-
Amy: I don't think that I can do this.
Kat Ellis: What? The seventh hole?
-
Jeffrey: [ready to pitch] Are you ready, TJ?
TJ: Bugger off, Jeffery.
-
Jeffrey: [to Edward about Nick] He's walking around all American, like he owns the place.
-
Victor Ellis: [to Kat] Make sure he stays on the right side of the road.
Nick Mercer: Which, of course, is the left.
Victor Ellis: That's right.
-
Nick Mercer: Well thank you for including me in this timeless feminine ritual. Here's to the husbands who've won you, the losers who've lost you, and the lucky bastards who've yet to meet you.
-
Bunny: They were inseperable. If Kat ate a banana, Amy threw it up.
TJ: And if Amy threw it up, Kat ate it.
Kat Ellis: So we were eating and throwing up in perfect harmony.
-
TJ: [to the rest of the bachelorette party guests] Ladies, that was a top night!*top* night!
-
Kat Ellis: Woody?
Woody: Not yet...
Kat Ellis, Woody: But it's getting there!
-
TJ: Can you believe Kat gets to shag this guy? No, really, you should send God a bottle of wine or a quiche or something.
-
TJ: Will someone buy my Hoo-Ha a drink?
-
Nick Mercer: Just so you know, you're 300 short.
Kat Ellis: Wait a minute! You're telling me that if something happened last night I would have to pay you $1700! That's a down payment on a Ford Focus!
Nick Mercer: Not dollars. Pounds.
-
Amy: [at her bachlorette party to Woody] Did she tell you she broke up with you because of your funky breath?
Kat Ellis: [to Woody] She's drunk.
-
Kat Ellis: Any second now my date is going to sit down in 3B and I need him to look really, really good today.
Male Flight Attendant: Hello, 3B.
[Kat turns around to see Nick]
-
Victor Ellis: Are you a boatsman, son?
Nick Mercer: I am now, sir.
Victor Ellis: Well, I'm glad to see that someone is making good use of her again. The boat I mean.
-
Victor Ellis: [Kat is coming out of the boat early in the morning and her father calls to her from inside the house] Ahoy there!
Kat Ellis: [embarrassed] Hi, Dad.
-
Edward Fletcher-Wooten: I've had her up on a pedestal ever since... since the day I put her up there.
-
Nick Mercer: A wedding is a sacrament... a joyous celebration of love and commitment. In Utopia. In the real world... it's an excuse to drink excessively and say things you shouldn't say.
-
Amy: Hey.
Kat Ellis: Hey.
Amy: I just...
[pauses]
Amy: I wanted to thank you for not outing me in front of Ed. I want to tell him just not the night before our wedding, you know... with these things, timing is everything.
Kat Ellis: You're right.
[pauses]
Kat Ellis: You should really time it right so that when he hears that you repeatedly screwed his best friend, he won't feel like the whole world is collapsing around him, and there's no escape because you tricked him into marrying you.
Amy: Kat...
Kat Ellis: [brightly] Oh, don't worry. Your wedding will be perfect tomorrow. I'll smile and say all the right things, and you'll deal with Ed when you're ready.
[harshly]
Kat Ellis: But right now, tonight, I'm not going to pretend it's okay.
-
Amy: [Edward is upset after being told that Amy slept with Jeffrey] I wanted to tell you but I was afraid you'd never forgive me and I just... I love you so much.
Edward Fletcher-Wooten: I knew you were seeing someone when we finally got together, but not Jeffrey. Does Kat know?
Amy: Jeffrey told her last night.
[she cowers when Edward advances]
Edward Fletcher-Wooten: Excuse me.
[he leaves]
-
Edward Fletcher-Wooten: [chasing Jeffery] I look like a total wanker, don't I?
Nick Mercer: Yeah, kind of. Get in the car, Ed. He's halfway to France by now.
-
Dance Instructor: The Wedding Dance is a timeless ritual. Surrounded by a group of family and friends. Watching, smiling, taking bets on how long it's going to last. All you'll have is each other and whatever skills you aquire today.
-
Nick Mercer: When I told you I've never done a wedding before, it wasn't because I've never been asked. I just never said yes.
Kat Ellis: Why'd you say yes to me?
Nick Mercer: There was something in your voice on the phone that day.
Kat Ellis: Desperation?
Nick Mercer: I think it was hope.
-
Kat Ellis: So sorry, I wasn't quite ready for you.
[holds out envelope]
Kat Ellis: It's a ticket. A plane ticket for a date. My date. To my sister's wedding.
Bike Messenger: [trying to pull envelope free] You're gonna have to let go.
Kat Ellis: I'm gonna need you to help me.
-
Nick Mercer: The hardest thing is loving someone and then having the courage to let them love you back. But if you know her shit and she knows yours, and at the end of the day if you still would rather give up than try, nothings ever going to be worth it. Maybe think about it this way... you go back, you get to spend the rest of your life having really great makeup sex.
-
Nick Mercer: Go ahead, Kat, hate me. I think you're running out of steam on this whole Jeffrey thing anyhow. Maybe now you'll be able to hold on to this long enough to ruin your next relationship.
-
Nick Mercer: [after hearing the "Tony Peepants" story] So is that when he peed in his pants?
Kat Ellis: Well, he cried a lot, but no. There was no peeing.
Nick Mercer: So what's with the nickname?
[long pause as everyone looks at one another]
Bunny: I have no idea.
-
Kat Ellis: [about Jeffrey] He seems more mature.
Jeffrey: Run you fat tart!
-
Jeffrey: You remember when we took the girls hiking in the Lake District?
Edward Fletcher-Wooten: No.
Jeffrey: Yeah, you do. Blistering heat in the morning. Pouring rain all afternoon.
Edward Fletcher-Wooten: No.
Jeffrey: You backed your car over that copper's bicycle.
Edward Fletcher-Wooten: No, sorry, no.
Jeffrey: The Rat and Gherkin.
Jeffrey, Edward Fletcher-Wooten: Mmm-hmm-hmm, splendid local scrumpy.
-
Jeffrey: [about Nick] There's something about him I don't like.
Edward Fletcher-Wooten: He's 9% body fat and shagging your ex-girlfriend.
-
Kat Ellis: Oh, I should warn you. You know those families where everyone's out of their minds, but at the end of the day they're you family, so you love them? Mine's not like that. I love my dad, but since he's my stepdad, he's technically not family. He's more like a hostage.
-
Nick Mercer: I think I'd miss you even if we'd never met.
The Wedding Date Quotes
Extended Reading
