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Dave: There's only one simple rule for dating my teenage daughter - she sees your penis, I'll cut it off.
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Dave: I'm gonna miss that Jew-hating country club.
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Mike: [yells] My penis is on fire!
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Dave: [after Hillary has announced she's getting a wax and Dave thinks it's her genitals] No, you don't prune the hedges unless you're expecting company in the front yard.
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Kenny: [watching TV with Dave]
[sighs]
Kenny: , I love figure skating.
Dave: It's hockey...
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Dave: When I was a kid growing up, my father's philosophy was "Do as I say, not as I do." Well, when I became a parent, I swore I would do better with my kids. So my philosophy is, "Do as I say - not as I hope you don't know I do."
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Dave: It's true. Parents that use drugs have kids that use drugs. So there's an important lesson here; don't have kids!
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Dave: What happened to our stash?
Vicky: *Our stash*? Since when do we have a stash?
Dave: You know...
Vicky: No. I thought we decided to be more responsible, and you were gonna get rid of the pot.
Dave: I am getting rid of it. Little by little.
-
Vicky: Hillary came to me and wanted to know how you know when the time is right.
Dave: Please tell me she's still confused about daylight savings.
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Vicky: You know, maybe we shouldn't drink while the kids live here.
Dave: Come on, Vicky, we drink *because* the kids live here.
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Larry: I don't like you when you're drunk.
Hillary: [slurred] I don't like you when I'm sober.
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Vicky: What was that?
Dave: Oh, that must be Mike playing with his BB gun.
Vicky: His what?
Dave: Ah, you know, he's been begging me for one, so I finally got it for him.
Vicky: Dave! Why didn't you ask me first?
[in his personal space]
Dave: Same reason I never asked her for a three-way. She would've just said no.
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Dave: When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was sneak into "R" rated movies. In my mind, "R" stood for "really good." Nowadays, there's warnings and ratings on everything; video games, music, booze, cigarettes. You think these warnings would keep kids away from all these things. When, actually, it's sending up a flare saying, "Hey, look. Good stuff over here."
[disclaimer appears on screen: "Due to the mature subject matter, the following episode may not be suitable for all family members."]
Dave: [glances down at disclaimer] See? Makes you wanna watch even more, doesn't it?
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Dave: [sees Hillary looking at his Penthouse magazine] What the hell are you doing? That's a men's magazine for men. Oh, God, don't tell me you're going Rosie O'Donnell on me.
Hillary: Relax, I'm just looking at the boobs.
Dave: Not making me feel better.
-
Dave: Look, I think we might need to take him to a professional.
Vicky: What? I thought you didn't believe in therapy.
Dave: What therapy? I meant a hooker.
-
Dave: Where you been?
Vicky: Oh, I was just talking to Hillary.
Dave: All this time?
Vicky: Yeah.
Dave: How long does it take her to roll her eyes and tell you to get the hell out of her room?
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Dave: I can just imagine the line of crap that Kyle kid is feeding her. "I love you so much, baby. Why should we wait if it's the right time, baby? Come on, baby, let's do it right now, baby."
Vicky: Come on, she's not an idiot.
Dave: *You* fell for it!
-
Dave: You know, when I was young, I would say anything to a girl to get her to... well, to get her to. I would tell fat girls they were hot. I would tell ugly girls they were pretty. I would tell stupid girls they were... Well, I really didn't have to tell them much. They were pretty much good to go.
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Vicky: I never had sex with a guy who pressured me. At least not until I got married.
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Dave: They say necessity is the mother of invention. When I first got a computer, it seemed so complicated. I thought; "I'll never figure this thing out!". Then I found out there was free pornography out there. I figured it out.
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Mike: Hey, Dad, I need you to sign this math test.
Dave: You failed?
Mike: No, my teacher just wants your autograph. He's a big fan of mid-level insurance salesmen.
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Keith: Don't worry, I'll give Hillary the respect she deserves.
Dave: Oh, you better give her more than that!
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Dave: [beginning of the show, fourth wall] You know, don't you sometimes wish that having kids was like eating out at a restaurant, that if you didn't like the food, or for that matter kids, you could send it back? "Uh yea excuse me, I never ordered this daughter so spicy, and where's the dressing she's suppose to come with, and oh, yea, I didn't order this kid flaming, and I don't even *remember* ordering this kid at all."
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Dave: Oh come on, Larry, you wouldn't even know how I met your mother.
Vicky: [breaking the fourth wall] Two bottles of beer and some questionable, "Ass-Pur-Inn".
-
Dave: All right! All right! All right! All right! That is it! Okay? Okay? Apparently, you kids have forgotten that we are the parents! Okay? So, to remind you of this, we are instituting a zero-tolerence policy, effective immediately! If anybody misses their curfew, or doesn't do their homework, or talks back, or just looks at us wrong, they're gettin' a spanking!
[all the kids laugh]
Hillary: Oh my God!
Mike: Are you serious?
Dave: You think this is some kinda joke? Do you? Just try me and see what happens!
[silence]
Dave: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Now, who wants to mess with me first?
[silence]
Dave: Yeah, that's right! That's what I thought! Remember, I'm the stallion! All right? You're nothing but ponies!
The War at Home Quotes
Extended Reading
