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Capt. Wiles: Blessed are they who expect nothing, for they shall not be disappointed.
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Miss Graveley: How old do you think I am young man?
Sam Marlowe: Hmm... fifty. How old do you think you are?
Miss Graveley: Forty-two! I can show you my birth certificate.
Sam Marlowe: I'm afraid you're going to have to show more than your birth certificate to convince a man of that.
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[Upon finding the Captain dragging a body along the ground]
Miss Graveley: What seems to be the trouble, Captain?
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[the Captain and Miss Graveley have afternoon tea together]
Capt. Wiles: A real handsome man's cup.
Miss Graveley: It's been in the family for years. My father always used it... until he died.
Capt. Wiles: I trust he died peacefully. Slipped away in the night?
Miss Graveley: He was caught in a threshing machine.
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Sam Marlowe: When I saw him, he was dead.
Jennifer Rogers: He looked exactly the same when he was alive, only he was vertical.
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Capt. Wiles: Marriage is a good way to spend the winter.
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[Discussing Jennifer's recently deceased husband Harry]
Jennifer Rogers: You can stuff him, for all I care. Stuff him and put him in a glass case, only I'd suggest frosted glass.
Sam Marlowe: What did he do to you? Besides marry you.
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Sam Marlowe: Perharps I'll come back tomorrow.
Arnie: When's that?
Sam Marlowe: The day after today.
Arnie: That's yesterday. Today's tomorrow.
Sam Marlowe: It was.
Arnie: When was tomorrow yesterday?
Sam Marlowe: Today.
Arnie: Oh, sure. Yesterday.
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Miss Graveley: [to Capt. Wiles] I'm grateful to you for burying my body.
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Capt. Wiles: [after Dr. Greenbow trips over the body] Couldn't have had more people here if I'd sold tickets.
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Capt. Wiles: [as he sees Sam Marlowe coming] Next thing you know they'll be televising the whole thing.
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Sam Marlowe: Let's get Harry and pop him in.
Capt. Wiles: With hasty reverence.
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Jennifer Rogers: I've never been to a home-made funeral before.
Capt. Wiles: I have... it's my third. All in one day...
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Sam Marlowe: You're not supposed to bury bodies whenever you find them. It makes people suspicious.
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Jennifer Rogers: [Sam is kissing her] Lightly, Sam. I have a very short fuse.
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Capt. Wiles: Coming home from Madagascar once we had a fireman on board who hit his head on a brick wall and died two days later.
Sam Marlowe: Where did he find a brick wall on board a ship?
Capt. Wiles: Mmmm... that's what we always wondered.
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Sam Marlowe: I think, Captain Wiles, we're tangled up in a murder.
Capt. Wiles: Murder. If it's murder who dunnit?
Sam Marlowe: Who did it?
Capt. Wiles: That's what I say, whodunnit?
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Arnie: How do rabbits get born?
Sam Marlowe: Same way elephants do.
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Capt. Wiles: I fired three bullets. Three! One for the hunting sign, one for the tin can...
Sam Marlowe: ...and one for the little man who's lying in the grave.
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Miss Graveley: [Arnie puts a dead rabbit on the table while the Captain and Miss Graveley are having tea] What do you call him?
Arnie: Dead.
Capt. Wiles: Where did you get him?
Arnie: I found him.
Miss Graveley: Where did you find him?
Arnie: [Looking at the tea table] In the blueberry muffins.
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Sam Marlowe: Didn't know you had such a pretty mother, Arnie.
Arnie: You think she's pretty, you should see my slingshot.
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Arnie: How come you never came over to visit me before?
Sam Marlowe: I didn't know you had such a pretty mother, Arnie.
Arnie: You think she's pretty, you should see my slingshot.
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Sam Marlowe: All right. If I had my choice, I'd rather be thought a murderer than proved one.
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Jennifer Rogers: It's too late to say prayers. Besides, wherever he's going, he's there now. Bye, Harry. I forgive you.
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Capt. Wiles: Fewer things in life give a man more pleasure than hunting. It satisfies his primitive nature, striding through the woods, picking up his kill.
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Capt. Wiles: [about Miss Gravely] She's a well-preserved woman.
Sam Marlowe: I envy you.
Capt. Wiles: Yes, very well preserved. And preserves have to be opened, some day.
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Capt. Wiles: What in Hades were you doing here anyway? I can't say that I've seen you around here before. No. If you're going to get yourself shot, do it where you're known!
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Miss Graveley: What seems to be the trouble, Captain?
Capt. Wiles: Well, it's what you might call an unavoidable accident. He's dead.
Miss Graveley: Yes. I would say that he was. Of course, that's an unprofessional opinion.
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Capt. Wiles: Do you know him, Miss Gravely?
Miss Graveley: No. Doesn't live around here.
Capt. Wiles: Well, he died around here. That's what counts now.
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Miss Graveley: I'm certainly glad if I helped you, Captain. Perhaps you would care to come over for some blueberry muffins and coffee later on. High-bush blueberries!
Capt. Wiles: Oh, this is certainly something of an interesting surprise.
Miss Graveley: And perhaps a touch of elderberry wine. After all, we've been neighbors for nearly three years now and we've never exchanged social calls.
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Sam Marlowe: You think we'd do any better on Fifth Avenue?
Mrs. Wiggs: If there's more people there.
Sam Marlowe: Oh, lots of people. Hundreds and thousands and billions of people.
Mrs. Wiggs: Well, might be better then.
Sam Marlowe: But what sort of people, Wiggy? What breed? I'll tell you. They're little people. Little people - with hats on.
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Mrs. Wiggs: Oh. Mr. Marlow, it's wonderful.
Sam Marlowe: [turns his abstract painting, that Mrs. Wiggs is holding, downside up] I've been in a tortured mood lately.
Mrs. Wiggs: What is it?
Sam Marlowe: Good old Wiggy, my sternest critic.
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Mrs. Wiggs: I don't understand your work. I think it's beautiful. So does Mrs. Rogers.
Sam Marlowe: Oh! You talk about me? She's the pretty woman with the little boy, isn't she?
Mrs. Wiggs: Mmm-hmm. I only brought up your name once when we were talking about strange people.
Sam Marlowe: Huh?
Mrs. Wiggs: That is, strangers. People she hadn't met yet.
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Deputy Sheriff Calvin Wiggs: Bullets and guns are dangerous. They kill things.
Sam Marlowe: No one around here could hit a freight car with a cannon.
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Miss Graveley: Wiggy. What a perfectly ridiculous little nickname. Do you mind if I call you "Wiggy," Mrs. Wiggs?
Mrs. Wiggs: Not if you pay all your bills on time.
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Capt. Wiles: First thing I seen when I rolled out this morning was a double-breasted robin, drunk as a hoot owl from eating fermented chokecherries. Right away I knew somebody was in trouble. What I didn't know was - that it was me.
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Sam Marlowe: Stands to reason they can't touch you for it.
Capt. Wiles: Nothing these days stands to reason.
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Sam Marlowe: Your conscience is quite clear. You got nothing to worry about.
Capt. Wiles: Sammy, I haven't got a conscience and it's not heaven that's worrying me 'cause I don't expect I'll ever have to face it. And it's none of those noble things you were talking about, no. Nothing like that.
Sam Marlowe: Then what is it?
Capt. Wiles: It's me. It's me that's worrying me. Me and my future life.
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Capt. Wiles: She was downright hysterical with delight.
Sam Marlowe: What was she like?
Capt. Wiles: Pretty as a rainbow. Wish I was two years younger.
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Sam Marlowe: You're beautiful. Wonderful! You're the most wonderful, beautiful thing I've ever seen. I'd like to paint you.
Jennifer Rogers: Was there something else you wanted, Mr. - Marlow, isn't it?
Sam Marlowe: You certainly are a lovely woman. I'd like to paint you nude.
Jennifer Rogers: Some other time, Mr. Marlow. I was about to make Arnie some lemonade.
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Sam Marlowe: Perhaps I've come at an awkward moment.
Jennifer Rogers: If you want to undress me, you have.
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Jennifer Rogers: He was too good to live.
Sam Marlowe: From his looks, he didn't appear to be the kind that was "too good."
Jennifer Rogers: Well, he was. Horribly good.
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Jennifer Rogers: You've got an artistic mind. You can see the finer things.
Sam Marlowe: When I'm lucky.
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Jennifer Rogers: Harry the handsome hero. Harry the saint. Harry the good.
Sam Marlowe: I didn't catch his last name.
Jennifer Rogers: Harry Worp.
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Jennifer Rogers: This is what happened. I was in the hotel room alone. I put on my best nightie. You understand?
Sam Marlowe: Perfectly.
Jennifer Rogers: Although I had no true feeling for Harry, I had worked myself into a certain enthusiasm because I thought he loved me.
Sam Marlowe: Must have been hard work.
Jennifer Rogers: There was a full moon, and I sat by the window because I thought it would show off my new nightie to advantage.
Sam Marlowe: Naturally.
Jennifer Rogers: I don't know why I'm telling you all this.
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Jennifer Rogers: This was a terrible truth. The truth about Harry.
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Miss Graveley: Let's get back to our little problem. Harry. What's going to become of him?
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Capt. Wiles: I don't want to talk about your affairs. I've got affairs of my own.
Sam Marlowe: You mean my protégée?
Capt. Wiles: Come again?
Sam Marlowe: Miss Gravely. The lady that I renovated down at Mrs. Wiggs' this afternoon. A most remarkable reversion to femininity.
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Capt. Wiles: She's a very nice lady, Sam. Very nice.
Sam Marlowe: We're all nice! I don't see how anyone could help but like us.
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Capt. Wiles: There's nothing like finding yourself in love. No, it adds zest to your work. Zest. Zest.
Sam Marlowe: I think I've had enough zest for a while. Let's sit down and rest, huh?
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Sam Marlowe: Whether you killed him or not, you've incriminated yourself. You'll have much more of a job explaining a body you didn't kill and buried than a body that you killed accidentally and buried.
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Sam Marlowe: You're not supposed to bury bodies whenever you find them. It makes people suspicious. Supposed to tell the police or advertise or something.
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Capt. Wiles: What are you thinking, Sammy?
Sam Marlowe: I think, Captain Wiles, we're tangled up in a murder.
Capt. Wiles: Murder? If it's murder, who done it?
Sam Marlowe: Who "did" it?
Capt. Wiles: That's what I say, who done it?
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Miss Graveley: He very definitely pulled me into the bushes.
Capt. Wiles: Yes?
Miss Graveley: I came out again.
Capt. Wiles: Go on.
Miss Graveley: He pulled me back.
Capt. Wiles: Twice.
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Miss Graveley: He swore at me. Horrible, masculine sounds. I didn't understand them, of course.
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Jennifer Rogers: It's funny, but, I feel awful comfortable with you, Sam.
Sam Marlowe: You know, I feel the same way, too. It's a good feeling, feeling comfortable with someone who feels that way, too.
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[first lines]
Harry Worp: Okay, I know how to handle your type!
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[last lines]
Miss Graveley: What was it?
Capt. Wiles: A double bed.
The Trouble with Harry Quotes
Extended Reading
