The Three Stooges Quotes

Moe: Hey, onion-head, go on back to the shed and grab the chainsaw.

Curly: Why doesn't Larry go?

Moe: 'Cause he's got a headache.

Larry: No, I don't.

Moe: [bonks Larry on the head with a hammer] How about now?

Larry: Yeah, it's comin' on.

Moe: Mind your P's and Q's.

Curly: Don't forget to dot the I's.

Moe: Certainly.

[Moe pokes Curly in the eyes]

Larry: Yeah, what's it gonna take to save this place?

Monsignor Ratliffe: A lot of of this.

[rubs fingers together, indicating money]

Larry: Oh. Well, that's doable. How many boogers we talking about?

Monsignor Ratliffe: Not boogers; dollars, you moron!

Teddy: So, you boys on Facebook? I'll poke you. Better yet, I'll tweet you.

Curly: Oh! Tweet us to dinner? Soitenly!

Moe: Hiya, Snook. I got you a present.

Snooki: Really?

Moe: Yeah. Go on, open it.

[Snooki opens the box and Moe pokes her in the eye]

Snooki: Ow!

Lydia: Those three idiots are here!

Mac: [looking around] The Kardashian girls? Where are they?

Head Nurse: Can't you read? Visiting hours are over.

Curly: Even for family?

Head Nurse: You're related?

Curly: Yeah.

Head Nurse: How?

Curly: His mother and my mother were both mothers.

Moe: What is that gadget?

Teddy: This is an iPhone.

Curly: An eye phone?

[Curly takes the phone and holds it up to his eye]

Curly: Hello? Hello?

[Curly hands the phone back]

Curly: There's nobody there.

Larry: [the orphanage's bell falls off the roof and hits a nun on the head below] Uh-oh. Is that Sister Mary-Mengele?

Curly: I don't know, but the face rings a bell.

Curly: Shame on you, Moe, you let your pride ruin everything for us and them kids.

Moe: How dare you accuse me of having pride?

Larry: $830,000. First taker gets a three-man working machine. It's all spelled out in this here contract, folks.

Moe: That's right. No job is too small. We'll press your pants, we'll shine your shoes.

Curly: We'll raid your fridge and drink your booze. Nyuk nyuk.

[Moe slaps Curly]

Moe: What's the matter with you? Quit givin' away the fine print.

Murph: Who won the poker game last night?

Moe: Eh, Peezer wiped us out.

Murph: Peezer? But he's 7.

Larry: Yeah but he wears those dark sunglasses, so you can't tell what he's thinking.

Young Moe: Anesthetic!

Young Larry: Anesthetic!

Young Curly: Anesthetic!

Young Moe: 15 milligrams. Give!

Young Curly: Right.

[counts off on a croquet mallet]

Young Curly: Five, ten, fifteen!

[conks Sister Mary Mengele out]

Larry: Hey, quit horsing around, you two. You're disturbing my coffee break.

Curly: Oh, boy, donuts! Where's mine?

Moe: They're small. Why don't you have two?

Curly: Okay.

[Moe sticks donuts in Curly's ears]

Curly: Oh, now look what you did, Moe! You got donut stuck in my ears!

Larry: Hey, you're in luck. They got a donut remover right here.

Moe: What's a donut remover?

Larry: It's one of these.

[reads the sign on the bell]

Larry: "Do-nut remove-uh."

Moe: Huh. What are the odds of that?

Curly: Oh, boy. Fosters. That's Australian for beer.

Moe: Would you like that in a bottle or a mug?

Curly: I'll take it in a mug.

Moe: You got it.

[Moe slaps him]

Mother Superior: Like Moses in the desert, I believe the Lord will guide them. Because they're pure of heart.

Sister Mary-Mengele: And dim of wit.

Larry: Hey, bub, your trousers are falling down. Let me help you.

[Larry yanks up Gangbanger's pants]

Gang Banger: Hey, man, you trying to get yourself capped?

Larry: Oh, no thanks. I don't wear hats. Why would I with a head of hair like this?

Lydia: My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.

Mac: Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more. The pain increasing daily till I lapse into an irreversible coma.

Curly: I had that. Only it was just in my feet. Yeah. It's called coma toes.

[Curly and Larry laugh]

Moe: [mock laughing] Oh, coma toes, huh?

Curly: Yeah.

[Moe stomps on Curly's foot]

Moe: Are they awake now?

Larry: Hey, little fella, want a peanut? Dolphin's love peanuts, you know. Here you go. Catch.

[Larry tosses peanut to dolphin and it falls into its blow hole, the dolphin chokes]

Curly: Oh, my God! I think he's snufficatin'!

Larry: Don't worry, pal, I know the Heineken maneuver.

Ronnie: What are you, crazy? That's assault!

Moe: Heres your pepper. Shut up.

[Moe slaps him]

The Situation: My man!

Ronnie: Who asked ya, muscle-head?

[Moe pokes him in the head]

JWoww: Moe! You can't just go around hitting people.

Moe: No? Well, can I do this?

[Moe plucks out her nose hair]

Moe: Hmm, rare bouquet.

Moe: What are you grubworms doing?

Curly: Getting seconds on lobster.

Moe: Seconds? I thought lobster upset your stomach.

Curly: I dipped it in pesto-bismol.

Moe: Oh, you like dipping, eh?

Curly: Yeah.

Moe: Come here.

[Moe dips Curly's head into the water, he pulls him out with a lobster attached to his face]

Larry: Hey, look, it's Santy Claws. Claws!

Moe: What did I tell you about puns?

[Moe stuffs the lobster down Larry's pants]

Larry: Hey. Who's this lady?

Ling: That's Teddo's wife, Lydia.

Larry: Teddy's wife?

Ling: Yep. Oh, she's one lucky girl.

Larry: Then who's the guy on the end?

Ling: Oh, that's Teddo's best friend, Mac.

Curly: Well, then who's Mr. Fancy-Pants in the top hot and scarf?

Ling: That's a snowman.

Larry: Yeah, but what's his name?

Mac: [furiously - while trapped in car submerged in water] Great! Great! How could this possibly get any worse?

Moe: [passes gas, everybody groans in disgust] I'm sorry! I guess the pesto-bismol didn't help with the lobster.

Moe: [grabs Curly by the ears and says furiously] Did you eat the shells again?

Curly: I don't know! It was on the plate and then it wasn't!

[Curly puts binoculars to his eyes the wrong way]

Curly: It's Attila the Nun! She's a hundred yards out and closin' fast!

[he removes the binoculars and realizes how close Sister Mary-Mengele is]

Curly: [he wails]

Mother Superior: [after Larry & Curly walk into Murph's room] I'm sorry, boys. Murph is very ill.

Larry: Why isn't she in a hospital?

Mother Superior: Well...

Sister Mary-Mengele: I'll tell you why. Because we don't have any medical insurance.

Larry: Well, you should get some. Just call that little green alligator guy.

Carbunkle: You blithering idiots! What do you think you're doing?

Moe: Out of the way, 3PO, we got to get Teddy.

Carbunkle: This is an invitation-only party!

[points the way out for them]

Carbunkle: Now, good day!

Curly: Hey, Moe! Hey, Larry! Fellas, do something!

Larry: [nervously] Moe, Moe!

Moe: What's the matter with y...

[gasps]

Curly: Call 411

[whimpers]

Moe: [to Larry] Quick, help me grab sister M and M before chowderhead crushes her!

[bonks to a water retainer, Curly falls on top of her, Mary-Mengele groans]

Moe: [to Curly] You, help out.

[to Larry]

Moe: You, grab that bucket, splash some water on her.

[metal from the bell hits Mary-Mengele thru the bucket]

Larry: See? I told you there's too much iron in the water.

Moe: Speak to me, sis. Say a few parables!

Sister Mary-Mengele: [dizzy and hallucinating] I saved 15% on my car insurance.

Larry: She seems fine to me.

Moe: Come on, let's go see what Mother Superior wants.

[Sister Mary-Mengele's head hits the water retainer]

Moe: [groans]

Young Moe: [looking into Mary-Mengele's mouth] Huh, I haven't seen a case like this in years.

Young Curly: And would you look at all that metal in her mouth?

Young Larry: Must be too much iron in the water.

Young Moe: Don't you worry, Sis, you're in good hands. We'll have that bum tooth out in no time.

Sister Mary-Mengele: [moans] No.

Young Moe: Anesthetic.

Young Larry: Anesthetic!

Young Curly: Anesthetic!

Young Moe: [Curly picks up a croquet mallet] 15 millgrams. Give!

Young Curly: Five, ten, fifteen! Nyuk, nyuk.

Mother Superior: [Curly hits Mary-Mengele on the head with the croquet mallet, she goes unconscious; Mother Superior knocks on the door] Boys?

Young Moe, Young Curly, Young Larry: Nyuh-uh-uh!

Mother Superior: Open up, please.

Young Moe: It's the head penguin, boxcar seven on three. Break; one, two, three.

Mother Superior: [the Stooges flip the rotating table, revealing a dinner table underneath] I said, open this door!

Mother Superior: [Mother Superior opens Mary-Mengele's office door; Larry plays the violin off-key, Curlypaints a picture, Moe reads a book] What are you three up to?

Young Larry: Just dabbling in the arts.

Young Curly: Indubitably.

Mother Superior: Oh. Well, lunch is ready.

Young Moe, Young Curly, Young Larry: Oh boy, eats! Woo-woo-woo-woo, woo-woo-woo-woo!

[Moe, Larry and Curly run down to the dining hall]

[first lines]

Sister Mary-Mengele: [an orphan says "We're not just orphans" as the orphans play a game of kick the can; Sister Mary-Mengele blows her whistle] Everybody inside! Come on, time for your chores!

Murph: But Sister Mary-Mengele, the game's tied! Can't we just play another couple of minutes? Please?

Sister Mary-Mengele: No, you can't. Now get inside! And pick up that soccer can and put it back in the equipment shed where it belongs!

Peezer: Wait a second, Sis, you gotta hear us out!

Murph: [sings] We didn't ask for this

Peezer: [sings] We didn't pray for this

Hipster Orphan: [sings] I may not have a sis, or know my mother's kiss

Orphan chorus: [the orphans sing and dance] But that doesn't matter, because... Everybody is special, we're not inconsequential...

Sister Mary-Mengele: [song ends] Shut up! What do you think this is, 'The Sound Of Music'? Get in there! Come on, enough with the singing! Come on, come on, move it! No wonder your parents didn't want youse.

Sister Mary-Mengele: [a car drives by and leaves a duffle bag on the doorstep; Mary-Mengele opens it, and one of the baby Stooges pokes her, knocking her over the stone railing] Aagh! Ohh!

Mother Superior: [sees the Stooges beating up Monsignor Ratliffe and chases them away] Get off of him! Off, off! Oh, I'm so sorry! Oopsie-daisy! Oh, oh, I'm so sorry! What are you doing?

Larry: We caught this lounge lizard getting all handsy with the nuns!

Mother Superior: This is no lounge lizard! He's here on official business.

Curly: Official business? Why didn't you say so?

Larry: [the Stooges take off their work uniforms, with boxer shorts, white shirts and bowties underneath; they clap and snap their fingers in rhythm] Pick me, I'll clip your hedges!

Moe: I'll hedge your clippers.

Curly: I'll fetch your slippers.

Moe: I'll scrub the stench right off them dentures!

Monsignor Ratliffe: You idiots!

[Msgr. Ratliffe slaps all three of them at once]

Monsignor Ratliffe: I'm not here to adopt!

Mother Superior: This is Monsignor Ratliffe from the diocese.

Moe: Oh, sorry about that, Señor Ratlips.

Larry: We'll climb mountains!

Moe: We'll forge rivers!

Curly: We'll forge checks, nyuk nyuk nyuk.

Moe: Boy, what a hothead.

Larry: Women!

Moe: Wait a second, with her hubby laid out in the hospital nursing them tire tracks, it'll be easy pickings to slide a pillow over the poor schlump's face and give him the surprise sendoff he wanted!

Larry: Good thinking! We'll be doing the guy a favor and making enough money to save the orphanage! It's like killing two birds with one pillow!

Moe: It's colossal!

Larry: It's stupendous!

Curly: It's even mediocre!

Curly: [Moe honks Curly's nose] Ow!

Moe: Say ah.

Curly: Ahh...

Larry, Curly: [Moe grabs Curly by the lip and Larry by the nose] Nyah-ah-ahh!

Moe: Come on!

Moe: Fellas, it's too high -

[Larry and Curly collide with Moe, nearly pushing him over the rooftop]

Moe: Aaah!

[Larry and Curly catch Moe by the legs and pull him back to the roof]

Moe: Why you lamebrains!

[Moe slaps Larry and Curly across their faces]

Larry: Hey, look, a fire hose! We can lower ourselves down to the ground.

Moe: The kid's right, it's foolproof! Come on.

[the Stooges unwind the fire hose and jump down to the ground below; the hose comes off its reel and the Stooges drop to the ground, landing on Teddy]

Moe, Curly, Larry: Aah-aah!

[the hose's reel hits Moe on the head as Teddy gets back on his feet]

Moe: Ow! Why don't you watch where you're going, bud?

Teddy: I'm sorry, 100 percent my fault. Sometimes I just get lost in my own head and I - Moe? Larry, Curly, is that you?

Moe: Depends who's asking.

Teddy: It's me, Teddo J. Harter.

Moe: Who?

Teddy: Teddy, from the orphanage, Teddy. You remember, Moe, I went home with your parents.

Moe: What're you trying to pull? The Teddy we knew was this tall and he only had one shoe.

Larry: Yeah, and he didn't sound like you.

Teddy: Here- here, look, I got a snapshot of me and the 'rents leaving the orphanage.

[the photo shows Teddy being adopted by his new parents and Moe being taken back by the nuns]

Larry: Hey, it is you.

[Larry looks at Teddy's photo]

Larry: I was wondering, how are Moe's folks doing? They seem like good eggs.

Teddy: Yeah, well Dad's doing great, I work with him at the law firm downtown; but Mother, she passed on several years ago, hunting accident.

Moe, Curly, Larry: Oh, sure, yeah.

Teddy: So, you boys on Facebook? I'll poke you.

[the Stooges recoil at the mention of "poke", being unaware that it's a different kind of "poke"]

Teddy: Better yet, I'll tweet you.

Curly: Oh, tweet us to dinner? Soitanly!

Teddy: Hey, wait a minute, where are you guys living?

Moe: You know the Ritz Carlton on Oak Street?

Teddy: Oh, sure.

Curly: Yeah, we're camped out in the dumpster out back.

Larry: But not the dirty, beat-up green one. It's the shiny blue one right next to it

Teddy: Oh... You know, I've got an idea: Why don't you guys come crash at my place, just until you get your feet back on the ground?

Larry: Oh boy, that sounds terrific!

Curly: Yeah, heh.

Moe: We're not going anywhere.

Larry: What are you talking about, Moe?

Moe: Thanks Teddy Bear, but we're gonna stay put. We got too many irons in the fire right now.

Teddy: Of course you do. Hey look, I gotta get going; I'm supposed to be visiting a friend. Wait, let's get a quick pic first.

Moe: What is that gadget?

Teddy: It's an iPhone.

Curly: [squints into Teddy's iPhone] Eye-phone? Hello? Hello! There's nobody there.

Teddy: Works better on your ear. Here, come on, everybody.

Moe: Where do you think you're going?

[Moe pulls Larry's hair]

Larry: Aah!

Moe: Here, let me get- Wait a minute, wait a second.

[Moe climbs on top of Curly and Larry as they pose for a quick photo]

Teddy: Smile!

[Teddy takes the Stooges' photo]

Teddy: [Teddy chuckles] Oh, that's great. It's so good to see you guys, really. You haven't changed a bit.

Larry: [after Moe has just refused Teddy's offer to stay at his place] Hey, what- Have you got rocks in your head? Teddy was trying to help us out, and you blew him off! What gives?

Moe: We'll help ourselves out.

Larry: Well, what about the orphanage? Teddy's dad has dough, maybe he would have given us the 800,000 bucks.

Moe: We don't need handouts from that chump; we told those kids we'd come up with the cash, and that's just what we are going to do.

Larry: Yeah, how?

Moe: Well... we still got that seed money, don't we?

Curly: Seed money?

Moe: The cash Mother Superior gave us.

[Moe reaches into his shoe and pulls out the seed money]

Moe: This 72 bucks is our ticket to riches.

Curly: Riches? Woo-woo, woo-woo. How do you figure?

Moe: Well, it's seed money, right? What do you do with seeds?

Larry: Spit 'em out.

[Moe slaps Larry]

Larry: Ow!

Moe: You plant them. We'll become farmers.

Larry: Farmers? I always wanted to be a farmer.To the farm!

Curly: To the farm!

Moe: To the farm!

Larry, Moe, Curly: [Larry plays the kazoo as the Stooges sing] A farming we will go! A farming we will go, a farming we will go

Curly: Woo-hoo!

Larry, Moe, Curly: A farming we will go!

Larry: ["Turkey in the Straw" plays in the background; a sign reads "Rolling Gills, The Kings of Farm Raised Sammin"] Here's a little drink for you, Elsie.

Larry: [Larry holds a watering can over the salmon] Jonesy, you gotta hold still in order to get a drink. Hello, Maritza, you're getting your color back.

Curly: [Curly steps on a salmon to shoo the flies away] Ralphie don't look so good.

Moe: Poor guy's drying out.

Curly: Oh, good for you, Ralphie. Realizing there's a problem is half the battle, heh-heh.

Larry: Hey look, our first customer.

Curly: Woo-woo-woo.

Golf Superintendent Dave Lamson: What are you doing?

Moe: Only selling the finest farm-raised salmon in the county, that's all.

Curly: Yeah, they're all free-range; no nets, no cages. They can go wherever they want.

Larry: Plus we have smoked salmon.

[Larry holds up a salmon with a cigar in its mouth]

Curly: Oh.

Golf Superintendent Dave Lamson: But this is a golf course!

Larry: So what? We let 'em play through.

Curly: What's your beef?

Moe: Yeah, we're trying to save an orphanage. Look, are you here to buy fish, or are you just kicking the tires?

Larry: [a police car pulls up] Hey, do your job. Cart path only.

Golf Superintendent Dave Lamson: I'll cart path you, you little -

[Moe pokes Lamson in the eyes]

Larry, Curly, Moe: Nyah-ah-ahh!

Curly: Woo-woo-woo, woo-woo!

[the Stooges run away]

Moe: It's the five-o, scram!

Officer Mycroft: You again!

Larry, Curly, Moe: Nyah-ah-ahh!

[the Stooges run off with a windmill, then throw it to the ground as they run away]

Larry: Oh, my back.

[the Stooges run through a hole in the hedge]

Moe: [riding on Curly's back and dangling a carrot in front of him] Yah! Yah mule! Yah!

Moe: [the Stooges run into an alley] Whoa, whoa!

Moe: [Curly snorts like a horse] Easy, Seabiscuit, easy!

Larry: [pulls repeatedly on a locked door] We're trapped like rats!

Moe: Speak for yourself, rodent.

[pushes Larry aside]

Moe: We're going to need a battering ram.

[Moe and Larry look at Curly]

Officer Mycroft: You go that way, I'll go this way!

[Officers Mycroft and Armstrong split up]

Officer Armstrong: Okay!

[Armstrong wheezes as he chases the Stooges on foot]

Moe, Larry: [Moe and Larry use Curly as a battering ram against the door] Heave-ho! Heave-ho!

Curly: Oh oh, fellas, ease up, you're squeezing my ankles too tight!

Moe: Quit your whining.

Moe, Larry: Ho!

[Curly groans from the pain as the Stooges break through the metal door]

Curly: [the Stooges have just entered a room] Oh, that was a close one.

Moe: What is that? What's with the light?

Larry: I got a better question: Why didn't we go live with Teddy when we had the chance? Now we got no Teddy, no seed money, no nothing.

Curly: Yeah, shame on you, Moe. You put your pride ahead of them kids.

Moe: How dare you accuse me of having pride?

Curly: Mm-mm.

Moe: Back off.

Curly: I won't.

Moe: Okay kid, you got me. You know, I'm proud of you for finally standing up for yourself. Let's shake on it.

[Moe shakes Curly's hand]

Curly: Oh.

Moe: There you go.

[Moe shoves Curly away]

Moe: Get out of here!

Moe: [to Larry] This is all your fault!

Larry: Me?

Curly: Oh, oh!

[Curly rebounds from hitting a steel pillar and knocks Moe over from behind]

Moe: You start with a - Oh, sneaking up on me, eh?

[Moe slaps Larry and Curly]

Moe: And you! Get over here!

[Moe pulls Larry's hair, then hits Curly in the gut and then over the head with his two fists]

Curly: Ohh, ohh!

Moe: What's the matter with you? Whoa, whoa!

[Larry pokes Moe in the eyes,knocking him backwards over Curly and into a steel pillar]

Moe: Why you - !

[Moe picks up a block-and tackle cargo hook and aims for Curly's head]

Curly: Moe, not that! Anything but that! Nyah-ahh-ahh!

[the hook misses Curly and hits Larry in the head]

Larry: Stop it! Stop in, Moe! I've had it with you! You're the cause of all our problems since day one.

Moe: How do you figure?

Larry: You should have gone and lived with Teddy's folks back when they wanted to adopt you!

Curly: Yeah, that way you could have come back and and helped us all out.

Larry: But no, the great and powerful Moe is too lazy to squeegee the pool.

Moe: Ah, you don't know what you're talking about.

Larry: Oh no? Why do you think we never got another shot at getting adopted again? Because when you messed it up that day, you messed it up for all of us!

Moe: Look, if you two got ants in your pants, then why don't you just leave? I'm getting sick and tired of looking at your monkey faces anyhow! Being with you two is like dragging around a couple of boat anchors!

[Larry and Curly quietly gasp to themselves]

Curly: Well, fine. Then... Good-bye, Moe.

Larry: Yeah... good-bye.

Moe: Well, what are you waitin' for? Go on, scram! I bet you two earthworms won't last a day without me!

[Curly grunts in annoyance, Larry picks up a clump of hair, and they both walk out]

Moe's Hip Executive: [the audience says "Bravo!" as the stage lights reveal the audience portion of the studio, with Moe unaware that he was taking part in an audition after Larry and Curly have just left] Brilliant, just brilliant! What an original way to showcase your personality by putting on a skit!

Executive: Very smart!

Moe: Huh?

Moe's Hip Executive: That is exactly what we're looking for! Someone who's not afraid of confrontation, who's passionate about his opinions, right or wrong.

Executive: That's what America craves!

Moe: What are you flappin' about?

Executive: Oh, he's beautiful!

Moe's Hip Executive: Congratulations, sir; You are the newest cast member of the world's number-one rated reality show!

[the audience applauds, Moe gasps with surprise]

Curly: [Curly and Larry are standing next to an ice-cream cooler cart] Ninety percent off all our treats, folks!

Larry: We got chocolate, vanilla, strawberry! No reasonable offer will be refused!

Curly: It's remarkable! It's refreshing!

Curly: [Larry lifts the cooler lid] Nyah-ah! It's repulsive!

Curly: [Larry slaps Curly] Grr! What was that for?

Larry: I told you we'd need more ice. Hey look, a zoo! What do you say we go in and chisel a lunch?

Curly: All right.

Larry: We'll climb mountains!

Moe: We'll forge rivers!

Curly: We'll forge checks, nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.

Larry: Need some help, folks, looking for our missing friend. $3.50 reward. dead or alive.

Curly: Here you are, pal; we're missing our pal.

Larry: Thank you, so - Hey, get over there and staple up the rest of those flyers on the pronto.

Curly: [Curly hums as he staples a couple of posters to some trees, then accidentally staples a poster into the back of a young man's head] Oh, oh.

Staple in Hat Guy: Thanks a lot, buddy! Now I got a hole in my head.

Larry: Hey, quit screwing with the public!

[Larry slaps Curly]

Curly: Grr! Cut it out! Who do you think you are, huh?

Larry: Oh, I get it: when Moe slugs you, it's okay, but when Larry does it, it's not good enough!

Curly: No no no Larry, it's good enough. It's just that... you're not doing it right. When Moe hits me, it's just... I don't know better, you know?

Larry: Aah, you've got rocks in your head! i'm hitting you just the same.

Curly: No you're not, you do this:

[Curly hits Larry on the chest and hits Larry's forehead]

Curly: And Moe does this,

[Curly punches Larry in the stomach and bonks Larry on the nose]

Curly: And Moe doesn't do this,

[Curly hits Larry's nose]

Curly: He does this.

[Curly hits Larry's nose, making a honking sound]

Curly: Nose honk, see/

Larry: Ah, you're right Come on, think! Where would we go if we was Moe?

Curly: Home!

Larry: Home.

Larry: Need some help, folks, looking for our missing friend. $3.50 reward, dead or alive.

Curly: Here you are, pal, we're missing our pal. Thank you, sir.

Larry: Hey, get over there and staple up the rest of these flyers on the pronto.

Staple in Hat Guy: [Curly hums as he staples posters to a couple of trees, then accidentally nails one on the back of a man's head] Ow!

Curly: Oh, oh...

Staple in Hat Guy: Thanks a lot, buddy, now I got a hole in my head.

Larry: Hey, quit screwing with the public.

[Larry slaps Curly]

Curly: Grr, cut it out! Who do you think you are, huh?

Larry: Oh, I see: When Moe slugs you, it's okay, but when Larry does it, it's not good enough!

Curly: No, no, no Larry, it's good enough, it's just that... you're not doing it right. When Moe hits me, it's just... I don't know, better, you know?

Larry: Ah, you got rocks in your head, I'm hitting you just the same.

Curly: No, you're not: you do this,

[Curly punches Larry in the ribs and hits Larry's face with a light uppercut]

Curly: And Moe does this.

[Curly hits Larry in the stomach with a thud, and gives Larry a harder uppercut punch to the face with a bonk]

Curly: And Moe doesn't do this,

[Curly hits Larry on the nose with a fist]

Curly: He does this.

[Curly hits Larry's nose again a little harder, with a honking sound effect]

Curly: You see?

Larry: Ah, you're right. Come on, think. Where would we go if we was Moe?

[Final Jeopardy think music plays in the background]

Curly: Home!

Larry: Home, yeah.

[Larry and Curly walk off in separate directions; Larry whistles and Curly turns around, following Larry]

Larry: [Larry and Curly enter the orphanage] Hello?

Curly: Anybody home?

[a TV commercial voice can be heard: "Hi, I'm Al Cerrone. Four-wheel drive SUVs just like this, with a gas saving, six-cylinder engine, only $19,995; and pickups, automatic and air, only $16,000. My promise is you'll be..."]

Larry: Sister Ricarda.

Sister Ricarda: Boys, what are you doing here?

Curly: We've been looking everywhere for Moe. Have you seen him?

Sister Ricarda: Yeah, I - I see him almost every night on TV. He's on that Jersey... beach people show.

Sister Ricarda: [Larry and Curly look at each other with surprise] You didn't know? Moe's a big celebrity now.

Curly: Oh... good for him.

Larry: Yeah... looks like he didn't need us after all... So, what happened here? Where are all the kids?

Sister Ricarda: Well, they're closing us down on Monday, so... we had to start moving everyone out.

Larry: But we told you to wait! We were gonna get the money!

Sister Ricarda: You got the money?

Curly: We got the money?

Larry: Well... no... but we're working on it.

Curly, Sister Ricarda: Oh. Oh.

Peezer: Well, at least you tried.

Larry, Curly: Peez!

[Larry and Curly chuckle, Larry gives Peezer a high five]

Larry: Thank God you're still here!

Peezer: They tried to shoo me out, but I told them I wasn't leaving without her.

Curly: Without who?

[Larry, Curly, and Peezer go into the next room where Mother Superior is praying at Murph's bedside]

Curly: Murph?

Mother Superior: I'm sorry, boys, Murph is very ill.

Larry: Why isn't she in a hospital?

Mother Superior: Well...

Sister Mary-Mengele: [Mary-Mengele interrupts Mother Superior] I'll tell you why... Because we don't have any medical insurance.

Larry: 830,000 bucks. We prefer it in hundreds, folks.

[sees archery bows on sidewalk outside of a sporting goods store, picks one up, repeatedly stretches its bowstring to test it, shoots an arrow high up into the air, then looks around confusingly trying to see where it went]

Larry: Wow, in the wrong hands this thing could be dangerous.

Larry: Guys, we've been at this for days now, and all I got is a hole in my shoe.

Moe: [Larry lifts his foot to reveal a hole in his shoe's sole, which is worn out] Aw, the kid's right, there must be a better way to make a living. Come on, think!

Curly: [Final Jeopardy think music plays in the background as the Stooges pace around while Curly hums, then gasps] No, no...

Curly: [Curly resumes humming, then snaps his fingers; then he goes to the sidewalk and starts spinning about on his side as if he was break-dancing] Woo! Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo! Woo-woo-woo, woo-woo, woo-woo!

Larry: Look, he's on to something!

Moe: Spit it out, tiger!

Curly: [Curly rubs his butt on the sidewalk] I can't, it's stuck! Jar it loose, Moe!

Curly: [Moe hits Curly on the back of his neck] What about a job where you could sleep all day, meet beautiful babes at night, and make millions for doing absolutely nothing?

Moe: Oh boy, that's genius! So, what's the job?

Curly: That is the job!

Moe: Oh that - And who's going to pay you?

Curly: The boss!

Larry: You know, it's just crazy enough to work!

Moe: Why you...!

[Moe pokes Curly in the eyes]

Curly: Ohh!

Moe: And you! Ow!

[Moe tries to poke Larry, but he ends up hitting Larry's sandwich board sign, Larry laughs]

Moe: Come on in here!

[Moe knocks Larry's and Curly's heads together]

Curly: Oh, oh, oh! Oh look, Moe, I think we got a customer!

Curly: Oh, oh look Moe, I think we got a customer!

[the theme from "Perry Mason" plays in the background]

Larry: Whoa, would you look at those getaway sticks!

Curly: Rowf, rowf, rowf!

[Curly pants like a dog]

Moe: Spread out!

Moe: [Lydia approaches] I'm the foreman here, what can we do for you?

Lydia: I'll pay you $830,000 for a job that won't take you more than 10 minutes.

Curly: Oh, we'll take it. Who do we have to murder?

Lydia: [the Stooges chuckle] My husband.

Larry, Curly, Moe: Nyah-aah-aah!

[Curly's teeth chatter nervously]

Moe: Sorry lady, you came to the wrong place; we're working stiffs, not common crooks!

Lydia: But you don't understand, you will be doing him a great service.

Larry: Says who?

Mac: [Mac gets out of the car] Says me.

Moe: Who are you?

Mac: I'm her husband.

[Mac kisses Lydia]

Larry: Wait a minute, you mean to tell me she's planning your funeral, and you're okay with it?

Mac: Well, I know it all sounds a bit peculiar...

Curly: No no no, that doesn't sound peculiar, this sounds peculiar.

[Curly puts his hands to his head and shakes it around, chuckles]

Mac: [Mac groans as if he's in pain] Ow!

Lydia: My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.

Mac: Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more. Pain increasing daily... till I lapse into an irreversible coma.

Curly: I had that, only it was just in my feet, yeah. It's called "coma-toes".

[Larry and Curly laugh]

Moe: [Moe laughs sarcastically] Oh, coma-toes, huh?

Curly: Yeah.

Curly: [Moe stomps on Curly's toes] Ohh!

Mac: Ohh!

Lydia: My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.

Mac: Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more, pain increasing daily until I lapse into an irreversible coma.

Curly: I had that, only it was just in my feet, yeah. It's called coma-toes.

[Larry and Curly laugh]

Moe: [Moe laughs sarcastically] Oh, coma-toes, huh?

Curly: Yeah.

Curly: [Moe stomps on Curly's toes] Ohh!

Moe: Are they awake now?

[Curly growls]

Mac: Gentlemen.

[the Stooges look behind them, unaware that Mac is referring to them]

Mac: [losing patience] Gentlemen!

Curly, Moe, Larry: Oh.

Mac: I'm sure you can understand why I... prefer to leave this world on my own terms, rather than spend the rest of my life a vegetable.

Moe: I don't know, it sounds illegal.

Larry: Wait a minute, legs. Did you say $830,000 bucks?

Lydia: I did.

Larry: [Larry whistles Whew] That's a good day's pay.

Curly: Hey, wait a minute, fellas. That's exactly the amount of money we' re looking for.

Moe: You're right. This must be fate, time-bomb. You can count us in!

Mac: [the Stooges shake Mac's hand] Ah, that's swell.

Mac: [after the Stooges have just agreed to Lydia's shady business proposal for $830,000] Thank you! Now, here's what we were thinking.

Moe, Larry, Curly: Yes?

Mac: I'd like you to sneak into our bedroom in the middle of the night and smother me while I'm sleeping.

Moe, Larry, Curly: Yes, yes?

Mac: But, do not turn on the lights.

Moe, Larry, Curly: No, no, no.

Moe: Wait a minute, why don't you want the lights on?

Mac: Well, I want it to be a surprise.

Moe: Oh, I get it. You don't want to see it coming, eh?

Mac: Bingo.

Larry: Hey look, it's the guy from that thing all the kids are talking about!

Larry: [Curly belly-bumps Mac into the path of a city bus; Mac gets knocked several blocks ahead where a street sweeper runs over him] Whoa, whoa! Help, help, help, help, help, help! Help, help, help...!

Moe: [a kid jumps on Mac with his pogo stick, bouncing on his stomach, then the arrow Larry shot from the bow lands in Mac's right thigh; Mac faints] That settles that.

Moe, Larry, Curly: [the Stooges take turns shaking each other's hands] Success, success, success. Success, success, suceess. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Lydia: [furiously] What did you do? That was not the plan!

Moe: What are you yakking about? He just said he didn't want to see it coming!

Larry: Hey, hey, you look like you could use a grief massage.

Lydia: Huh?

Larry: Let it go, let it go, try to live in the now.

Lydia: [Lydia frustrately pushes Larry away] Get off me!

Larry: [Lydia gets into her car and drives away] Too soon?

Curly: [Curly, Larry, and Peezer enter a room, where Murph is on a sick bed, and Mother Superior is praying at her bedside] Murph?

Mother Superior: I'm sorry, boys, Murph is very ill.

Larry: Why isn't she in a hospital?

Mother Superior: [Peezer hops on Murph's bed] Well...

Sister Mary-Mengele: I'll tell you why: because we don't have any medical insurance.

Larry: Well, you should get some. Just call that little green alligator guy.

Curly: Yeah.

Sister Mary-Mengele: Okay, that's it. I've had it with you! Do you want to know why we have no medical insurance? It's because you wombats have caused so many accidents over the years, there's not a company on this earth who'll cover us until we pay the $830,000 we owe for previous claims, and that's why we're being closed down!

Mother Superior: That's enough, Sister.

Curly: Wait, wh - You mean the orphanage is closing... because of us?

Sister Mary-Mengele: [Mother Superior nods sadly] Check it out: Larry, Curly, you're responsible for that!

Sister Mary-Mengele: [Larry and Curly look at Murph lying on her sickbed, with Peezer at her side] You are, and that other moron!

Sister Mary-Mengele: [a beep is heard, Larry and Curly think it's a flatline monitor] Oh, sorry, excuse me.

Sister Mary-Mengele: [the beep is revealed to be Mary-Mengele's cell phone, which she answers] Yes? No, no, I want it with custard, not whipped cream. I ordered an éclair, not a Twinkie!

Mr. Harter: [in the Harters' car] Hey Moe, do you know what day today is?

Young Moe: No clue.

Mr. Harter: It's your birthday.

Young Moe: Really?

Mrs. Harter: Well, to us it is, because today is the day that you came into our lives. So... what would you like as a birthday present?

Young Moe: Aw, I'm good. This - this lollipop's really hitting the spot.

Mr. Harter: [Mrs. Harter gasps, and Mr. Harter chuckles] Oh now, come on. come on, there's gotta be something that would make your birthday complete. Just go crazy, champ, anything your heart desires.

Young Moe: Well, when you put it that way...

[Moe whispers into Mrs. Harter's ear]

Mr. Harter: Well, what is it?

Mrs. Harter: He, uh... he wants us to go back and get his two friends.

Mr. Harter: Oh, Moe, heh, three youngsters are an awful lot to take on, like, all at once.

Young Moe: Oh, don't you see, Pop? That's the beauty of it. It's not gonna cost you a dime extra. Them two termites can bunk with me. I'll even split my meals with them.

Mr. Harter: Yeah, I don't know, Moe, it's just...

Young Moe: And you don't have to worry about sending them to fancy schools, 'cause they're not interested in reading or numbers. Heavy lifting and ditch digging, that's their dream.

Mr. Harter: Wow, those guys really mean a lot to you, don't they?

Young Moe: They're all I've ever had.

Mrs. Harter: Moe's right, honey. We can't possibly separate these three boys.

Young Moe: There we go! That's my mom talking.

Young Moe: [Mr. and Mrs. Harter drop Moe off back at the orphanage, deciding to adopt Young Teddy instead] Forget it! It was a bad idea! I don't want nothing! Mommy! Daddy! Please!

Young Moe: [sadly] Don;t go.

Young Moe: If you fellas are ever out in horse country, shopping for a polo pony, you'll, uh, look me up, right?

Young Larry: Sure, Moe.

[Curly sniffles]

Young Larry: We'll... you know, keep in touch.

Young Moe: Aw, quit your blubbering! What are you trying to do, rain on my parade?

Young Curly: No Moe, these are tears of joy, honest!

Young Moe: [softly] Sorry.

Young Moe: You fellas mind if I have something to remember you by?

Young Larry: You name it, Moe.

Young Larry: [Moe pulls a tuft of Larry's hair] Oooh!

Young Moe: Come here, ground hog.

[Moe pulls some nasal hairs from Curly's nostrils, since Curly is bald]

Young Curly: Oh!

Young Moe: Thanks, fellas.

Young Moe: [Moe musically chants barbershop-quartet style] Hello,

Young Moe, Young Larry: [Larry joins Moe in chanting] Hello,

Young Moe, Young Larry, Young Curly: [Curly joins Larry and Moe as they chant together] Hello.

Young Moe, Young Larry, Young Curly: [spoken] Hello!

Mrs. Harter: [Mrs. Harter giggles; the young Stooges accidentally bump their heads together] How precious!

Sister Rosemary: Yes, I certainly don't envy you having to choose between such amazing children.

Young Larry: The choice is easy! I'm your guy!

[Larry starts tap dancing]

Mrs. Harter: That is so cute!

Mr. Harter: Absolutely adorable.

Mr. Harter: [to Mother Superior] How long's he got?

Mother Superior: Hmm?

Mr. Harter: He's taking chemo, right?

Mother Superior: No no no, he's healthy as a mule.

Sister Rosemary: And almost as smart.

Young Moe: Recede, Bojangles.

[Moe pulls Larry back by his hair]

Young Moe: Pick me, I make the best potato peel and eggshell smoothies in town.

[Mr. Harter chuckles nervously]

Young Curly: If you choose me, I'll let you play with my pet rat, Nippy! I even taught him a few tricks!

Mother Superior: Oh, boys and their rodents.

[Mother Superior chuckles]

Young Teddy: [Teddy enters the room] Mother Superior, may I have a glass of milk, please?

Mrs. Harter: Oh, who's this?

Young Teddy: Hi, my name's Teddy, and someday, I'm gonna have a puppy.

Mrs. Harter: Oh my God, he's wonderful.

Mr. Harter: I thought you said there were only the three.

Sister Rosemary: I never said that, I said "about three".

Mrs. Harter: I hope you'll forgive us for coming early; we just couldn't stand to wait another day.

Mother Superior: Oh, we understand, Mrs. Harter. This is a great surprise. We have three delightful youngsters for you to meet.

Mr. Harter: Three? 'Cause we were under the impression there were more than that.

Sister Rosemary: Nope, that's it, just the three. Children, get on in here, Mr. and Mrs. Harter don't have all day.

Young Moe: [Moe musically chants barbershop-quartet style] Hello,

Young Moe, Young Larry: [Larry joins Moe in chanting] Hello,

Young Moe, Young Larry, Young Curly: [Curly joins Larry and Moe as they chant together] Hello.

Young Moe, Young Larry, Young Curly: [spoken] Hello!

Peezer: Here you go, Murph. Look what I brought ya.

Murph: Oh boy, cheese! Where'd you snag this from?

Peezer: Mousetraps up in the attic.

Murph: [spits out cheese into Kleenex in disgust] Ohh, Uhh, ughh!

Peezer: Oh, come on, Murph. You got to keep up your cheese molecules so you can get your strength back.

Murph: Enough with the melodrama.

Peezer: I'm sorry, Murph. It's just, ever since my brother Weezer got shipped to that foster home, you're all I got.

Murph: Oh Peez, come on. Don't start feeling sorry for yourself again. You think you're the only kid in the world who ever watched his parents drown, then got sent to an orphanage, then a couple weeks later had his only brother dragged away kicking and screaming? Dude, it happens.

Peezer: Yeah, I know I'm being a wuss again.

Murph: Look Peez, I'm not goin' anywhere. You and me, we're family now, we're BFFs forever... just like Moe, Larry, and Curly.

[Foster the People's "Waste" plays throughout the montage; Larry and Curly watch Moe on "Jersey Shore" on a TV in an electronics store window]

Moe: [on "Jersey Shore"] Is that what you think? Shut up!

[Moe slaps Ronnie]

The Situation: Hey, yo!

[Moe slaps The Situation]

Moe: You, too! Here's another one!

[Moe slaps Ronnie]

Moe: [Moe sits down next to Snooki, who is reading a book] Hiya, Snook, I got you a present.

Snooki: Really? For me?

Moe: Yeah, go on, open it.

Snooki: [Snooki opens the box, and then Moe delivers a finger poke to her eyes when she discovers the box is empty] Ow!

Moe: [Moe laughs, with Curly and Larry chuckling at Moe's antics; the scene changes to Larry and Curly sleeping in a dumpster, with Curly dreaming about dancing around in a field of bubbles with Moe and Larry; the scene shifts back to Moe on the set of "Jersey Shore"] Why, you...!

Moe: [Moe slaps the side of Ronnie's face and his forehead, then he slaps The Situation's face] There you go!

Moe: [the "Jersey Shore" producers watch with delight, as Larry and Curly laugh at Moe's antics; Moe waves his hand up and down in front of JWoww's face] Why, you...

[Moe lowers his hand to the table, and quickly waves his hand up and down in JWoww's face, making a rhythmic bonking sound; Larry and Curly continue to watch Moe]

Moe: [Moe holds his fist in front of Ronnie; he hits Moe's fist, which curves upward and hits Ronnie on the head] You see that?

The Situation: [Ronnie tries to imitate Moe, only for Moe to knock Ronnie's fist back into his own face] You see that?

Moe: [Moe breaks a pool cue stick on The Situation] Business!

The Situation: Oh!

JWoww: [Moe laughs while he holds a hot curling iron on JWoww's tongue] Umph! Umph!

Moe: [Moe hits The Situation on the nose, then slaps him on the chin] Why, you...!

Moe: [Larry and Curly continue laughing at Moe's antics as Moe breaks a microwave oven over Ronnie's head, and sets the timer; Ronnie's eyes bulge out of their sockets as the electricity flows] Why, you...!

Ling: [Larry and Curly enter the office building where Teddy works; one sign reads "Ditcher, Quick & Hyde: Divorce Lawyers", another sign reads "Proba, Keester & Wintz: Proctologists"] Kickham, Harter, and Indagroyne, may I help you?

Ling: [on the phone] Yes, I'll connect you now.

Ling: [Ling hangs the phone up] Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but the clown college is on the ninth floor.

Larry: Oh, no, I'm here to see Teddy Harter. Tell him it's his old pal, Larry, from the orphanage.

Ling: Oh, Teddo's not here. He's out making arrangements for his anniversary party.

Larry: All right, then, can I speak to his old man?

Ling: Mr. Harter is at lunch, but he should be back soon.

Larry: Nice glasses.

Ling: Thank you.

Larry: You got a little spot there, let me help you out.

[Larry takes Ling's glasses, licking them the with his tongue, followed by a spit-shine, wiping them clean]

Larry: [Larry hands Ling's glasses back to her] There you are, good as new. By the way, do not lick those, I'm just getting over pink-eye.

Larry: Mr. Harter! Just the guy I wanted to see.

Mr. Harter: I'll take the case. Please tell me it was Supercuts who did this to you.

Larry: No, it's me, Larry... Moe, Larry, Curly, remember? From the orphanage.

[Curly rhythmically claps his hands and barks]

Mr. Harter: Oh, my... goodness! Well, congratulations, you're still in remission. So... what brings you here?

Curly: Look, I'll cut to the chase, moneybags: we're in a jam. The orphanage needs 830 grand, or it's going belly-up.

Larry: Plus we got a sick kid getting fitted for angel wings.

Mr. Harter: Terrific! So, who do we sue?

Larry: Oh no, there's no one to sue; we need you to give us the money.

Curly: Yeah.

[Curly chuckles]

Larry: But we're not looking for a handout, mind ya. We'll work off every last penny right here in these halls.

Mr. Harter: [sighs] Look, I'm sorry, but, uh... I'm... committed to several other charities, and besides, I don't have that kind of money just laying around. But if you decide to sue the orphanage, I'm in.

Curly: Uh, Mr. H., please, I know what you're thinking: that we're both lazy bums like Moe, but - but we're not. Uh, some of us aren't afraid to get our hands dirty.

Mr. Harter: What? No, I never thought of Moe as lazy.

Larry: It's all right, that slug told us the whole story about why you dropped him back off.

Mr. Harter: Well, I can assure you it had nothing to do with his work ethic; he was ten. No, what - what happened was he wanted us to go back for you two, and frankly, it was... too much for us.

[Larry and Curly look at each other in amazement]

Curly: You mean... he wouldn't go without us?

Mr. Harter: No, he wouldn't. He was very adamant about wanting us to adopt all three of you, and... it was just out of the question, you understand. Anywho, got to skedaddle, late for a meeting. But if you ever do want to sue anyone for anything - a slip in the tub, a bone in the fish - I'm your guy.

Moe: [Moe and Curly have just come from a hospital dressing room disguised as nurses; Larry is wearing a doctor's lab coat] That the best you can do? You're scaring the customers.

Curly: I'm sorry, I didn't bring my false eyelashes.

Larry: [Moe tears part of Larry's eyebrows from his forehead] Owww! Hey! What's the big idea?

Moe: Mind your business.

Curly: [Moe applies the eyebrows he tore off Larry's forehead to Curly's eyes] No, Moe - what are you - Ooh, ooh!

Moe: [Curly grunts as Moe affixes the eyebrows] Hold still. There you go, there.

Curly: Oh...

[Curly chuckles]

Curly: Hmm, hmm.

Moe: Now go on over to that information desk and find out where the hubby's room is, hurry.

Larry: [Larry imitates a crooner by singing into the stethoscope] Buh-ba-ba-boo, buh-ba-ba-boo, buh-ba-ba-boo, ba-ba-ba...

Moe: Let me see that, ohh...

[Moe hits the part of the stethoscope used for listening to heartbeats with a rubber doctor's mallet, Larry hears a loud, reverberating thud in the stethoscope's earpieces]

Larry: Owww!

Curly: [disguised as a nurse] Excuse me, dreamsicle, that patient that got hit with a bus, what room is he in?

Orderly: That would be 386.

Curly: Okay, thank you.

Orderly: [the orderly takes Curly's wrist] Say, I haven't noticed you around here before. I like curvy woman.

Curly: [Curly giggles, holding a hand fan] Oh, I bet you say that to all the gals.

Orderly: What do you say, me and you go out Saturday night, grab some falafel and couple of pops? Huh?

Curly: [Curly giggles] Why wait, when you can have a pop right now?

[Curly slaps the orderly, leaving him with an amorous, love-smitten smile on his face]

Terrified Nun: It's not my turn, get somebody else.

Mother Superior: Sister Ricarda, how about you? Will you please go tell the boys to come down for lunch?

Sister Ricarda: Uh, I would, Mother Superior, I swear I would, but the doctor told me to steer clear of them for a couple of weeks. on account of my nerves.

Mother Superior: How about you, Sister Rosemary?

Sister Rosemary: Oh yeah, just like the army? Put the black folks on the front line? Uh-uh. What about Sister Mary-Mengele? She knows how to handle them.

Mother Superior: Oh, poor thing, she has a toothache, so she went to lie down.

Sister Rosemary: You mean she's asleep? Where are the boys?

Sammi: Now look: either you kick Moe off the show, or we're suing him!

Snooki: Like, with a lawyer!

Moe's Hip Executive: Court sounds okay to me.

Moe's Hip Executive: [to his assistant] You know, we could probably do a cross-promotion with Lockup.

Snooki: Great, just great. So basically, what you're saying is this whole show is about the ratings?

Moe's Hip Executive: Uh, yeah.

Ronnie, The Situation: Ohhh!

[Ronnie, The Situation and the other cast members groan in annoyance]

Sammi: Unbelievable.

Moe: [pointing to Snooki's "Guinness" hat] Look, just 'cause she's wearing a "genius" hat, doesn't mean she is one.

Larry: Look, Moe, we owe you an apology.

Moe: No, fellas, I'm the one who owes you the apology. I know sometimes I tend to fly off the handle and...

Larry: No, you don't.

Moe: Yes, I do.

Curly: No, it's just that you get a little upset and...

Moe: [Moe flicks Larry and Curly on their noses, and then he slaps Larry and Curly] Shut up when I'm apologizing!

Larry: We don't have time for that! Teddy's in a jam!

Curly: Yeah, you know that woman who wanted us to take out her husband?

[Curly gasps and hisses]

Curly: She's married to Teddy!

Moe: No wonder she wanted us to smother him in his sleep!

Curly: Yeah.

Moe: I knew I smelled a...

Snooki, JWoww, Sammi: A rat! A rat! Eek!

Moe: [Moe picks up Nippy, Curly's pet rat] That's no rat, it's Nippy! How you doing, buddy? Aw, I missed you too, Nips.

Larry: Come on, we got work to do. We got to get to Teddy before his wife does.

Moe: Come on.

Curly: [Curly chuckles, and rhythmically snaps his fingers] Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. Rrowff!

Moe: Come on, Romeo!

[Moe pulls Curly out of the studio by his ear]

Moe's Hip Executive: Are you kidding me? There's three of them?

Ronnie: How's that Whynatte?

The Situation: This is, like, my fourth or fifth.

Sammi: What happened last night?

The Situation: What kind of flavor? I like coffee, too.

Moe: Hey, I'm heading out to 7-Eleven, anyone up for some gummy worms?

JWoww: Yeah, maybe if they were soaked in vodka. By the way, why are you even on our show? You look like a stretched-out meatball.

The Situation: [laughter] Did not Moe tell you that he's using our little program as a launching pad to make a lot of paper to save homeless orphan babies?

Ronnie: Good luck, this guy can't even buy the right kind of grated cheese. I asked for Romano, not Parmesan, you mook.

Moe: Oh, you don't like that cheese.

Ronnie: No.

Moe: Well, let's see what we can do about that.

[Moe picks up the cheese grater]

Ronnie: What are you doing?

Teddy: [watching "Jersey Shore" from his bedroom with Lydia] Oh boy, here we go.

Moe: [Moe rubs the cheese grater on Ronnie's foot] How about some aged cheddar, tough guy? Come on!

Ronnie: Ow! What, are you crazy? That's assault!

Moe: Here's your pepper. Shut up!

[Moe slaps Ronnie]

The Situation: My man!

Moe: Who asked you, muscle-head!

[Moe quickly finger-pokes The Situation's eyes]

Sammi: Moe, you just can't go around hitting people!

Moe: Oh, no? Well, can I do this?

[Moe plucks Sammi's nasal hairs out of her nostril]

Sammi: Hmm, rare bouquet.

JWoww: Are you kidding me? Who does this?

Moe: [the Stooges hitch a ride by hanging on to the rear bumper of Lydia's car, then they get off as they arrive at Teddy's mansion] Hey, do you smell garbage burning?

Moe, Curly, Larry: [the Stooges look down and see that their shoe soles have been worn down and smoking from dragging on the ground; they start rapidly stamping to put out the fumes] Nyah-ah-aah!

Lydia: [gasps] What are you doing here?

Moe: We want the dough-re-mi you owe us, lady.

Curly: Yeah, 830,000 bucks.

Larry: Plus meals.

Carbunkle: May I have a moment, ma'am?

Lydia: Excuse me, gentlemen.

[Lydia goes aside to talk with Carbuncle]

Moe: Mind your P's and Q's.

Curly: But don't forget to dot the I's.

Moe: Certainly.

[Moe finger-pokes Curly in the eyes; Larry chuckles, and puts his hand up sideways to block Moe's eye poke attempt]

Larry: Nyahhh.

[Larry sticks his tongue out at Moe, who hits him on the forehead with his fist]

Larry: Ugh, ooh!

Carbunkle: [to Lydia] I'm afraid I have unfortunate news: I've just received word that Mr. Miosky was struck by a bus.

Lydia: Oh no, so Mac is dead?

Carbunkle: No.

Lydia: No? Are you sure?

Carbunkle: Oh, yes. He's still alive, but he's in bad shape. Your husband is in contact with the hospital. He said he'd call with any news.

Lydia: Thank you, Carbunkle.

[Carbunkle goes back inside]

Larry: Come on blondie, pay up. A deal's a deal!

[Lydia slaps all three Stooges with one stroke]

Lydia: Our deal was that you would get paid when my husband died, and on that count, you have failed miserably.

Moe: You mean he's still kicking?

Lydia: That's right, you idiots. You have ruined my life, now get out of here!

[Lydia knocks all three Stooges over the wall and onto the outside lawn]

Mac: [Mac has a scratched face from his disastrous encounter with the zoo's lion] I don't get you, Lydia. Why would you throw a big anniversary party for Teddo? I thought we were trying to kill the guy!

Lydia: We are, I just want lots of witnesses for when that dope accidentally falls head first from that balcony.

Mac: Ohhh.

Mr. Harter: Well... you two are certainly looking rather cozy.

[Mac and Lydia laugh]

Mr. Harter: Good lord Mac, what- what happened to your face?

Mac: New kitty.

Mr. Harter: Ah.

Mac: I'm gonna go freshen up my drink.

Carbunkle: [checking the guest list] Madam... madam... Sir, madam.

Moe, Larry, Curly: [the Stooges ride up to Teddy's mansion on a skateboard towed by a pack of large, white poodles, the tow rope slips out Moe's hand, and they knock Carbuncle into a flower bed] Nyah-ah-aah!

Carbunkle: Oh no, whoa!

Curly: Ohh, ohh.

Moe: What happened? Now we got to...

Moe: [the Stooges dust themselves off by slapping the dirt off each other's backs; Moe turns around, and Larry accidentally slaps him in the face, Moe grunts] Urgh-urgh-urgh! What's the matter with you? You had the rudder, don't you know how to drive?

Larry: It just went out of control. What kind of poodles are those anyway?

Moe: Standard.

Larry: Well, there's your problem, I can't drive a standard.

[Moe groans at the "standard drive" pun]

Carbunkle: You blithering idiots! What do you think you're doing?

Moe: Out of the way, Threepio, we got to get Teddy.

Carbunkle: [Carbunkle pushes the Stooges, who happen to be in a single-file line, back like dominoes] This is an invitation-only party! Now, good day!

Curly: Great, now what are we gonna do?

Maid: [to the party security guard] Here, send those balloon men in as soon as they get here.

Party Security: Will do.

Moe: [Moe snaps his fingers] That's our cue, boys. Come on!

Moe: [the Stooges carry several bunches of balloons] Balloon men coming through.

Larry: Out of our way, these things are heavy.

Moe: [the guard opens the gate; Moe hands him a balloon] There you go, crusher.

Ronnie: How's that Whynatte?

The Situation: This is, like, my fourth or fifth.

Sammi: What happened last night?

The Situation: What kind of flavor? I like coffee, too.

Moe: Hey, I'm heading out to 7-Eleven, anyone up for some gummy worms?

JWoww: Yeah, maybe if they were soaked in vodka. By the way, why are you even on our show? You look like a stretched-out meatball.

[laughter]

The Situation: Did not Moe tell you that he's using our little program as a launching pad to make a lot of paper to save homeless orphan babies?

Ronnie: Good luck, this guy can't even buy the right kind of grated cheese. I asked for Romano, not Parmesan, you mook.

Moe: Oh, you don't like that cheese.

Ronnie: No.

Moe: Well, let's see what we can do about that.

[Moe picks up the cheese grater]

Ronnie: What are you doing?

Teddy: [watching "Jersey Shore" from his bedroom with Lydia] Oh boy, here we go.

Moe: [Moe rubs the cheese grater on Ronnie's foot] How about some aged cheddar, tough guy? Come on!

Ronnie: Ow! What, are you crazy? That's assault!

Moe: Here's your pepper, shut up!

[Moe slaps Ronnie]

The Situation: My man!

Moe: [Moe finger-pokes The Situation in the eyes] Who asked you, muscle-head!

Sammi: Moe, you just can't go around hitting people!

Moe: Oh, no? Well, can I do this?

[Moe plucks Sammi's nasal hairs out of her nostril]

Sammi: Ow!

Moe: Hmm, rare bouquet.

JWoww: Are you kidding me? Who does this?

Larry: [Larry drinks from the fountain as if it were a dog dish] Ahh. You're up, pal.

Party Guest: No thanks... My, that's an interesting... haircut.

Larry: Ah, thanks, but it's not without some help. I have a great deal of product in there.

Larry: [Larry turns to Curly, who is drinking punch directly from the bowl] Hey! Where are your manners?

Larry: [Curly extends his pinky fingers and drinks from the punch bowl] Atta boy.

Larry: [Larry samples the dip with his finger] Hmm...

Curly: Ah, how's the dip?

Larry: Here, try it for yourself.

[Larry feeds Curly some of the dip from his fingers]

Curly: Mmm-mm!

Lydia: [with clenched teeth] Those three idiots are here.

Mac: The Kardashian girls? Where are they?

Lydia: No, the three bums! They crashed the party!

Mac: Oh God, we got to get them out of here before they ruin everything.

Balloon Girl: [hanging on to the balloons which have risen to the sunroof] Mommy!

Moe, Larry, Curly: Nyah-ah-aah!

[one of the guests cries out "Oh!"]

Moe: Think of something, lamebrains!

Larry: [Larry points to a rifle on the wall] Hey look, a balloon popper.

Curly: Oh, heh-heh-heh.

[Larry gets the rifle from above the fireplace]

Larry: I'll get it!

[Larry starts to aim the rifle]

Moe: What's the matter with you? That's a kid up there! Where's your gun safety?

[Moe takes the rifle from Larry's hands, and hits him on the forehead with the rifle's butt end; the rifle fires, popping one of the balloons as the little girl falls on the cake below]

Balloon Girl: [laughing] That was awesome!

French Chef: Nooo-oh-oh-oh-ohhhh, oh-oh-ohhh! Mon gateau!

Moe: Come on, fellas.

Moe: [in Teddy's bedroom] Teddy! Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, what's the matter? Come on boy, speak to me.

Teddy: [barely awake] Who are you?

Moe: It's us, it's Moe...

Larry: Larry...

Curly: And Curly.

Teddy: [Teddy is still half-awake] Guys, what are you doing here?

Moe: All right buddy, we got you now.

Moe, Curly, Larry: [Lydia and Mac enter Teddy's bedroom] Nyah-ah-aah!

Teddy: [drowsily] Oh, honey, thanks so much for inviting the boys behind my back.

Moe: That ain't the only thing she's doing behind your back.

Curly: Yeah, she wanted us to smother you in your sleep.

Larry: And now it looks like she slipped you some knockout juice.

Teddy: [still drowsy] Lydia, what are they talking about?

Lydia: [feigning innocence] Honey, I am as confused as you are. All I know is that these men crashed our party, and when we tried to remove them, they start acting crazy.

Moe: Teddy, you've known us since you were a baby. Why, we were the ones who taught you how to play with matches. We treated you like a little brother. Why would we lie to you now?

Teddy: [still drowsy] Wait, Lydia, why am I still in bed if- if the party's going on?

Mac: [Lydia looks at Mac while trying to come up with an answer] I'll tell you why.

Teddy: [Mac reveals his left hand, which has a gun in it] Oh, Mac.

Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-ah-aah!

Mr. Harter: [Mr. Harter enters the room, with a gun in his right hand] Don't even think about it, Mac.

Mr. Harter: [the Stooges sigh and chuckle with relief] Real slow, now. Drop it to the floor.

Mac: Not a problem.

[Mac slowly puts the gun on the floor]

Teddy: Good work, Dad. You know, I had a feeling something was going on, but you, Mac? I mean, you were my best pal. Why would you do that?

Mac: It wasn't my idea; she was calling the shots, I swear.

Mr. Harter: No, Mac, I was calling the shots.

[Lydia walks up next to Mr. Harter, and kisses him, indicating Mr. Harter's and Lydia's treacherous partnership to get rid of Teddy]

Teddy: [the Stooges, Teddy, Mac, Mr. Harter and Lydia are all passengers in Mr. Harter's car] I don't get it. Why did it have to come to this, Dad?

Mr. Harter: Well, son, I didn't get rich... simply by... lawyering. I married into it. Unfortunately, when your mom passed away, she left everything to you.

Mac: So you were just using me to do your dirty work?

Lydia: Oh, heh, you cracked the code.

Mac: [Curly giggles and laughs ticklishly] What's so funny, butter-bean?

Curly: Nothing, Nippy's whiskers are tickling me.

Lydia: Who's Nippy?

Curly: Him.

[Curly takes Nippy, the Stooges' pet rat, out of his coat; Mr. Harter and Lydia scream with terror]

Lydia: [Nippy gets stuck in Lydia's cleavage] Take it out!

Mac: [Mac makes a hard left turn; the Harters' car falls into a nearby lake, Lydia screams] Open the door! Shoot the window out!

Mr. Harter: [Mr. Harter pulls the gun out] No, it's wet!

Lydia: Why would you let the gun get wet?

[the car's computerized navigation system says: "When possible, make a legal U-turn."]

Lydia: [Everyone gasps for air] How long will the air last?

Mr. Harter: Maybe... five minutes, if we stay calm.

Larry: Oh, we got to break a window.

Teddy: It's impossible: There's a thousand pounds of water pressing against that glass.

Mac: Great! Great! How could this possibly get any worse?

[Bubbles occur near Curly as a result of indigestion; everyone groans at the stench]

Curly: I'm sorry, I guess the "pesto-bismol" didn't help with the lobster.

Moe: [angrily] Did you eat the shells again?

Curly: I don't know; it was on the plate, and then it wasn't.

Moe: Wait a minute! Does anyone have a lighter?

Larry: No... All I got are these stupid, easy-light, waterproof safety matches.

Moe: Why you...

[Moe bonks Larry on the head]

Larry: Ow!

Moe: Gimme that! Everybody close your eyes!

[Moe strikes a match on Curly's face]

Curly: Maybe that's not such a -

[the explosion blows the car up, and everyone escapes to the lake's surface]

Mac: [as he and Lydia are being arrested] Come on, come on, what's it gonna take, huh? Come on, come on, let's make a deal, I- I...

Lydia: [screaming at Mac] Shut up!

Mac: You shut up!

Policeman #3: Just get in there.

Mac: [to the police officer] I'll sing like a canary. You know, you name 'em, I'll blame 'em.

Policeman #3: I don't care.

Teddy: It's ironic, isn't it? Here I am, the so-called "lucky one" who got adopted, and yet I never could find the one thing that you three have always had. You know, you're happy with yourselves, and with each other. That's a real blessing. So what can I do to pay you guys back for saving my life?

Lydia: Funny you should ask: Can you give us 830,000 bucks to save the orphanage?

Teddy: Uh... no.

[the Stooges gasp in shock]

Teddy: That guy that adopted me, he shipped me off to military school when I was seven. And he just... he just tried to murder me, and run off with my wife, and- and you expect me to just give money to the women who handed me over to that monster? I'm sorry, guys, I'd do anything for those kids and- and you guys, but... I can't do that, uh... sorry.

Policeman #3: Excuse me, Mr. Harter? Could you come over here and give us a statement? Right this way.

Moe: [Moe slaps Larry] "Donut remover."

Moe: [looking at the boarded-up orphanage] Well, we sure botched this one pretty good.

Larry: [with tears in his eyes] What else is new? I wonder what happened to Murph and Peeze and the rest of the gang.

Curly: [sniffles] I sure do miss those guys.

Curly: [distant laughter] Why, it's almost like I can hear the sweet childhood sounds of laughter and swimming and tennis.

Moe: [with tears] I know what you mean.

Moe: [Moe does a double-take reaction] Wait a minute! We didn't have swimming and tennis!

Curly: And we didn't have laughter!

Larry: Hey fellas, look!

[One orphan boy releases a clay pigeon skeet-shooting target and says "Pull!" the other shoots it and says "Yes!"; the Stooges go off to investigate]

Curly: [Curly sees Sister Bernice in a swimsuit on lifeguard duty] Sister Bernice?

Moe: Nyah-aah!

Sister Mary-Mengele: [Two orphans are diving off the board into the pool; Sister Mary-Mengele blows her whistle] That's it! I told you one at a time on that board! You all just lost your diving privileges for the rest of the day! The party's over, you little water weasels!

Moe: What's going on here?

Sister Mary-Mengele: [Mary-Mengele sees the Stooges] Oh, crud.

Moe: Hiya, Sister.

Sister Mary-Mengele: [annoyed] Oh, hello, morons.

Murph: Hey!

[Murph runs up to the Stooges with her fellow orphans]

Murph: Moe, Larry, Curly!

Moe: Hey, guys!

Moe, Curly, Larry: How are you guys? Hey, what's going on? Oh boy, did we miss you guys!

Murph: Welcome home, guys!

Larry: You look great, Murph!

Peezer: That's 'cause she's not sick any more!

Murph: Turns out I just had some form of metal poisoning.

Larry: Nobody listens to me; I told you there's too much iron in the water.

Mother Superior: Boys, where have you been? We've been looking for you everywhere.

Moe: Well, I guess we just didn't have the nerve to come back and tell you... we failed.

Mother Superior: Oh, you didn't fail. Look at our new home.

Moe: [surprisedly] New home? Who paid for all this?

Peezer: You did!

Moe: Huh?

Moe's Hip Executive: The kid's right. The money's coming out of your pocket.

Moe: Sorry slick, but we don't have that kind of dough!

Moe's Hip Executive: Oh, you will. See, the network has taken the liberty of paying off the orphanage's debts and building the new complex. Think of it as an advance. All you got to do is sign right here, boys, and you three will be the stars of our next big reality show: "Nuns vs. Nitwits". What do you say?

Moe: Oh, gee!

Curly: I always wanted to be a nun! Mmm...

Mother Superior: Oh, and by the way, the Jersey Shore kids pitched in for the down payment.

Teddy: [Teddy walks in with Ling] Hey everybody!

Moe: Oh, hey Teddy!

Larry: Hi, Teddy!

Mother Superior: Gather round, everyone! I have an announcement to make. Teddy and his fianceé, Ling, have just discovered that our Lord and Savior has left her barren, so they have decided to adopt!

Moe, Curly, Larry: [the Stooges tear off their suits, with shorts, white shirts, and bowties underneath; they snap their fingers in rhythm] Hoi! Hoi! Hoi, hoi, hoi, hoi!

Moe: Spread out, pick me! I promise I'll go this time without any fuss!

Mother Superior: Oh, I'm sorry, boys, but they've already decided who they're adopting.

Teddy: [approaches Murph and Peezer] So how about it, Murph? Will you be a part of our family?

Murph: Are you serious, dude? Me? And you're not even getting paid?

[Murph looks over at a sad Peezer]

Murph: Oh... I'm sorry, mister, your offer is very nice and all, but... I think you better pick someone else.

Peezer: It's okay, Murph... you should go. This is your big break.

Murph: [Murph hugs Peezer] Not a chance, kid, not without you.

Teddy: Well, I guess we'll just have to take all three of you.

Murph: What three? I was just talking about me and Peez.

Teddy: Well, yeah, of course, but there's also the kid that we just sprang from the foster home across town.

Weezer: [Sister Rosemary and Weezer appear] Peezer!

Peezer: Weezer!

[the Stooges and orphans laugh joyfully, followed by the orphans screaming "Yay!"]

Mother Superior: Pack your bags, you three, it's time to go home. Three cheers for the boys. Hip-hip, hooray!

[the orphans join in the cheer]

Sister Mary-Mengele: [mutters to herself] Oh, please.

Mother Superior: [with the orphans] Hip-hip, hooray! Hip-hip, hooray!

Moe: Gee, it sure feels good to not louse things up for once!

Curly: Oh, you said it, mm-hmm.

[Curly leans on the diving board with Sister Mary-Mengele standing underneath it; it hits her on the head and knocks her into the pool]

Curly: Ooh-hoo, oh, oh, oh!

Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-aah-aah!

Sister Mary-Mengele: [gasping] I'm going to mash your heads, like potatoes!

Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-aah-aah, nyah-aah-aah!

[the Stooges run away, jumping on three trampolines near the hedge, each landing on a horse and riding away]

Curly: Woo-woo, woo-woo-woo-woo!

Bobby Farrelly: [epilogue] Hello everyone, I'm Bob Farrelly.

Pete Farrelly: And I'm Pete Farrelly, and we're the guys that made the movie you just watched.

Bobby Farrelly: We want you know that all the stunts that were performed in our film, they were done by professionals. And all the tools are not real, they're rubber. Watch this:

[Bobby picks up a hammer made of rubber, and bends the plastic head; he hits Pete on the head]

Bobby Farrelly: Now let's watch that with sound effects.

[Bobby hits Pete with a hammer, and this time a "clank" sound effect is heard]

Bobby Farrelly: Pretty cool.

Pete Farrelly: Remember that sledgehammer scene? That, too, is made out of rubber. Fake, isn't that right, Bobby?

[Pete bends the rubber head of a sledgehammer prop]

Bobby Farrelly: That's right, Pete.

[Pete hits Bobby with the rubber sledgehammer prop, a "clank" sound effect is heard]

Pete Farrelly: See? he didn't get hurt.

Bobby Farrelly: Remember the eye poke?

[Bobby jabs two fingers against Pete's forehead, making a "poke" sound effect]

Bobby Farrelly: Now let's look at that again in slow motion.

[the instant replay shows Bobby's fingers only making contact with the forehead just above the eyebrows, but not in the eyes, making a "poke" sound effect]

Bobby Farrelly: Kids, do not poke anyone in the eye. It's very dangerous.

Pete Farrelly: The point is, this movie's all about fun and games, so please play safe at home. Thank you.

[last lines]

Moe: Gee, it sure feels good to not louse things up for once.

Curly: Oh, you said it.

[Curly leans on the diving board, knocking Sister Mary-Mengele into the swimming pool]

Sister Mary-Mengele: Aaah!

Curly: Oh, oh, oh oh!

Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-aah-aah!

Sister Mary-Mengele: I'm going to mash your heads... like potatoes!

Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-aah-aah!

Curly: Woo-woo, woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!

[the Stooges jump on trampolines and over the hedge, landing on horses and riding away]

Moe, Curly, Larry: Whoa!

Larry: Hey fellas, wait! Wait up! Whoa, whoa! How do you steer this thing? Oh, boy...

Curly: I got the saw, Moe.

Moe: Yeah? Well, you're too late.

[turning around, he finds Curly revving the chainsaw an inch from his face]

Moe: Nyahh!

[taking it away]

Moe: What's the matter with you? You trying to hurt someone? Why, you...!

Curly: [Moe uses the saw on his head] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, look!

Moe: [seeing the teeth are chewed up] Nyah! Now look what you did.

Curly: It's not my fault. There was a chain reaction on the saw, see? Saw.

Moe: Oh, a punster, eh?

[looking around for the sledgehammer]

Moe: Where's that hammer?

Sister Mary-Mengele: [walks into room] That's it. I quit.

Mother Superior: What?

Sister Mary-Mengele: It's too dangerous living around here with those three boys. I need a safer working environment.

Mother Superior: But, where would you go?

Sister Mary-Mengele: Don't worry about me. I got a cousin who hauls traps on one of those Alaskan crab boats. One of the crew fell off and got eaten by sharks. He's gonna slide me right into that slot.

Sister Ricarda: You think they got room for one more?

Larry: How are we gonna get at the bell? It's hidin' in that box.

Moe: Why don't you go buy a toupee with some brains in it. We'll cut it open.