The Replacements Quotes

Shane Falco: I wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn't be our style.

[pause while everybody is in the huddle]

Shane Falco: Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory... lasts forever.

Shane Falco: I want the ball.

Jimmy McGinty: Winners always do.

Jimmy McGinty: Falco! If I had wanted Cochran to have the ball I would've called it that way!

Shane Falco: I read blitz.

Jimmy McGinty: Bullshit! I put the game in your hands... you got scared.

Shane Falco: I READ BLITZ.

Jimmy McGinty: [walks over and looks at Falco with disgust] Winners always want the ball... when the game is on the line.

Eddie Martel: Nobody can beat Dallas with these losers!

Shane Falco: [walks in] I can.

Jimmy McGinty: You know what seperates the winners from the losers?

Shane Falco: The score.

Jimmy McGinty: No, getting back on the horse after getting kicked in the teeth.

Edward O'Neil: Give me a cigarette.

Jimmy McGinty: I quit.

Edward O'Neil: Nobody likes a quitter, Jimmy.

Jimmy McGinty: These are people I've been keeping my eye on over the years. They all played football somewhere, not all of them in the pros, but they all have something unique to bring to the game. We're going to try to get these people together and try to put together a winning team. If nothing else, they should be fun to watch.

[shows first picture]

Jimmy McGinty: Daniel Bateman, SWAT team officer. Awarded the Purple Heart for losing a kidney during the Gulf War

[cuts to Bateman raiding a drug lab]

Jimmy McGinty: He was a walk-on at Michigan State before he gave up football to sneak back into the service for one more tour of duty.

[goes to next picture]

Jimmy McGinty: Clifford Franklin. Great attitude, great desire, and *the* fastest son of a bitch I've ever seen.

[cuts to a grocery store and a teen stealing a Twinkie and running away]

Korean Store Owner: Hey! Clifford, Twinkie!

[Clifford dashes past. He easily catches up to the kid, jogging alongside while the kid's dashing at full sprint]

Clifford Franklin: What's up man?

Kid in Liquor Store: What's up?

Clifford Franklin: Got any Twinkies?

Pilachowski: But can he catch?

[the theif tosses the Twinkies into the air. Clifford stands under it, ready to catch it, when the package bounces off his head and lands under his foot, where he steps down on the Twinkies, squishing them]

Jimmy McGinty: That's why I have you, Leo

Nigel 'The Leg' Gruff: Hey Shane Falco. I lost a ton of money on that Sugar Bowl disaster of yours. What a bloody shambles that was. You could smell the stink all the way back in bloody Wales.

Shane Falco: Nice meeting you.

Jimmy McGinty: A real man admits his fears. That's what I'm asking you to do here tonight. Fears... lets talk about them.

Clifford Franklin: [Clears throat] I'm scared of spiders, Coach.

John Madden: I love to see a fat guy score.

Pat Summerall: Why?

John Madden: Because first you get a fat guy spike, then you get the fat guy dance.

Jimmy McGinty: You're looking at a 65-yard field goal here.

Nigel 'The Leg' Gruff: You just hold the ball, Shane, and I'll kick the bloody piss out of it.

[Danny has tackled Shane during practice]

Jimmy McGinty: Good hit. Danny, in practice we don't hit the guys in the red shirts.

Daniel Bateman: I know, Coach, but I see that red and I just wanna go after it, like a bull, you know?

Shane Falco: You, ah, wanna come on board for a beer?

Annabelle Farrell: Nothing personal, Shane, but I don't date football players.

Shane Falco: I don't blame you. Not even quaterbacks?

Annabelle Farrell: Especially not quarterbacks. You guys are the biggest babies of all.

Shane Falco: Hey coach, can I ask you a question?

Jimmy McGinty: Yeah, shoot.

Shane Falco: Why me?

Jimmy McGinty: I look at you and I see two men: the man you are, and the man you ought to be. Someday those two will meet. Should make for a hell of a football player.

Dawn: Oh my God. I forgot to tell you something.

[long pause, during which Dawn stares into space]

Heather: Oh, she always does that.

Shane Falco: I think I'm just going to lie here for a moment and collect my thoughts.

Daniel Bateman: Work shit out, right?

Nigel 'The Leg' Gruff: That'll do, pig. That'll do.

Jumbo: Screw you, Cockroach.

Nigel 'The Leg' Gruff: I'll have to find your dick first.

Shane Falco: [Shane parks his truck at the stadium and sees several of the former Sentinels approaching his truck] You gotta be kidding me. Come on Martel, I didn't park in your space.

Eddie Martel: No, no. But unfortunately, you did park in La Mont's space. And he's not nearly as lenient as I am.

Malcolm La Mont: On three fellas. One, two, three!

[the former Sentinels tip over Shane's truck. Shane begins to walk away until Jamal and Andre step up]

Andre Jackson: We got this, we got this.

Jamal Jackson: Y'all wanna put the car back?

Eddie Martel: Gentlemen, this is none of your business.

Andre Jackson: Shane's our business. We're the guards.

Jamal Jackson: And we protect our quarterback.

[the former Sentinels all crack up laughing]

Jamal Jackson: Oh, you got jokes. You got jokes. That's your ride right there, ain't it?

[Jamal nods at a very expensive looking car]

Eddie Martel: Yeah.

[Jamal whips out a pistol and shoots at the car, leaving six bullet holes in the windshield]

Eddie Martel: That's my windshield, you crazy mother...

Jamal Jackson: Put the car back!

Malcolm La Mont: Son of a bitch!

Jamal Jackson: Son of a bitch? Oh, son of a bitch. Son of a bitch? Son of a bitch?

[Jamal shoots the driver side window, shattering it]

Eddie Martel: Stop, stop, stop! Come on goddamn it, help me!

[Sentinels shove Shane's truck back over]

Malcolm La Mont: You're gonna pay for that.

Jamal Jackson: No I'm not. Stop messing with my man, and that includes his ride. Matter of fact, wax that muthafucka. Give it a tune up.

[as if nothing has happened]

Jamal Jackson: Ya ready to go to practice Shane?

Shane Falco: Yeah. Let's do that.

Andre Jackson: What's that smell?

Shane Falco: Wild yam.

Andre Jackson: That's nice. That's nice.

[discussing fears]

Shane Falco: Quicksand

Clifford Franklin: Aw, shit yeah. Quicksand's a scary motha, man. I mean, first of all, it suck you right in, and even if you scream, you get all that muck in your mouth...

Jamal Jackson: The Mick's right.

Nigel 'The Leg' Gruff: I'm not a Mick. I'm bloody WELSH.

Jamal Jackson: [Jamal, Nigel, Andre, and Jumbo are eating at the same table, eating] What the hell is this?

Nigel 'The Leg' Gruff: Chinese spareribs.

Jumbo: You don't want 'em, get the fuck outta here.

Jamal Jackson: What I'm trying to figure out, is how did the Chinaman over here, get 700 pounds off of eating this shit?

Jumbo: I'm Japanese, not Chinese.

Jamal Jackson: It's the same difference.

Jumbo: What?

Jamal Jackson: It's the same difference. All that big...

[mimicks Japanese]

Jumbo: Nigga, please. You know Japan and China are two different countries, right?

Jamal Jackson: You know, I got an atlas, bitch.

Jumbo: You wanna be a gansta?

Jamal Jackson: Yeah!

[Nigel and Andre laugh, Jamal does some kungfu shouts and shoves Jumbo, the two start to scrap]

Nigel 'The Leg' Gruff: [Separating the two] Hey, hey, we're on the same team! We're on the same team, now chill out!

Andre Jackson: You know, the Mick's right.

Nigel 'The Leg' Gruff: I'm not a Mick. I'm bloody Welsh!

Andre Jackson: [Grabs Nigel's head] Whatever.

Jamal Jackson: [Taking his food] Man, I'm going to go sit with the deaf kid.

Nigel 'The Leg' Gruff: [Leaving as well] Jesus Christ!

Walter Cochran: [From the next table] Praise his glory, Nigel! You praise his glory!

Pat Summerall: That's the second time tonight a Washington player's been knocked out by his own teammate!

John Madden: You know, there's a rule in sports, "Don't do anything great if you can't handle the congratulations."

Pat Summerall: There is?

John Madden: Yep.

Jimmy McGinty: Hell of a game, that Sugar Bowl. What'd you lose that by, forty points?

Shane Falco: That would be forty-five.

Jimmy McGinty: Sometimes a game like that really sticks with you. You never shake it off.

Shane Falco: Got three concussions to prove it.

Jimmy McGinty: [chuckling] That's why girls don't play the game.

John Madden: I think that guy's smoking on the field.

Pat Summerall: Smoking? I'm sure you're just imagining that, John.

John Madden: No, no, I saw it. I saw the smoke and everything.

Eddie Martel: This doesn't change anything Falco! I'm still an All-Pro quarterback with two Superbowl rings. You'll never be anything more than a replacement player.

Shane Falco: Yeah. Yeah, I can live with that.

[repeated line]

Jumbo: Nan desu ka!

[Pronounced "nan des' ka" and roughly translated from Japanese, means: "What's up with this?"]

Pat Summerall: Players are not supposed to to be fraternizing with the cheerleaders.

John Madden: Yeah, but what are they gonna do, fire him?

Clifford Franklin: [Jimmy's putting stick-um on his hands] Coach, ain't that stuff illegal?

Jimmy McGinty: What are they going to do? Put you in football jail?

Banes: [prison guards are unshackling Ray Smith] Well I'm sure that you've briefed as to your situation here. Coach McGinty has requested that you be turned over to us for the next five weeks, and the governor has been kind enough to comply. You know...

Earl Wilkinson: Nice watch.

Banes: What? Oh this. Uh... It's a... It's a fake.

[shakes watch, lifts watch to ear]

Banes: Damn thing is always broken. It's only right twice a day.

[nervous laugh]

Banes: Well, why don't we go ahead and join the others, shall we? No sense staying here, now, by ourselves... out of screaming distance.

Annabelle Farrell: [while Annabelle's driving Falco home recklessly. Falco is slightly distracted by this] So why were you staying in the pocket in practice today? Normally, I wouldn't comment to a quarterback about his style, but you need to keep scrambling against Detroit, especially with Prescott back in the lineup.

Shane Falco: Prescott hasn't crossed.

Annabelle Farrell: He's going to on Sunday. They're keeping it quiet so you don't have time to prepare.

Shane Falco: How do you know that?

Annabelle Farrell: One of my friend's a cheerleader for Detroit, she tipped me off. Since Prescott's a left-sided linebacker; shotgun formation and roll right.

Shane Falco: Van Gundy's on the right.

Annabelle Farrell: I know, he's been All-Pro two years in a row. But, one of my cheerleaders is friends with a girl whose sister just broke up with Van Gundy, said he's been on a drinking binge ever since she left him.

Shane Falco: Yeah?

Annabelle Farrell: He's hung over! A good second slower off the snap than usual.

Shane Falco: So I should stick to the right side.

Annabelle Farrell: Unless what they say about Martinez is true.

Pilachowski: Hey Jimmy, my tight end is... deaf.

Jimmy McGinty: Yeah, I know.

Pilachowski: Well Jimmy, how am I gonna coach a deaf man?

Jimmy McGinty: Oh, you don't need to. Brian Murphy would've gone in the first round 5 years ago if he hadn't been born deaf. Played his college ball right here in D.C., Gallaudet.

Pilachowski: But Jimmy, I need to communicate with him and how...?

Jimmy McGinty: Learn to sign, you know...

[does some sign language]

Pilachowski: Oh, horseshit!

Jimmy McGinty: Look at it this way; he'll never be called offsides on an audible.

Clifford Franklin: [after the replacement players lose their first game] We did the best we could do, that's all we could do.

Nigel 'The Leg' Gruff: You don't get points for trying. Let's face it boys, we screwed the pooch today.

Daniel Bateman: Hey!

Shane Falco: Danny! Remember what I said about red shirts in practice?

Daniel Bateman: Yeah.

Shane Falco: Forget about it!

Daniel Bateman: Ok.

Shane Falco: Martel!

[Falco punches Martel. Then Danny tackles Martel]

Jimmy McGinty: I want you to know that if anything like this bar fight happens again, there'll be no place on the football team for any of you!... Do I make myself perfectly clear?

Washington Sentinels: Yes coach.

Jimmy McGinty: And just for the record, I would've loved to have been there to see Martel get his ass kicked!

Jimmy McGinty: Falco, it's nasty out there.

Shane Falco: That's why girls don't play the game, coach.

Jimmy McGinty: [stopping Danny before he runs on the field] Danny, I need the ball.

Daniel Bateman: You need the ball.

Jimmy McGinty: I need you to get me the ball.

Daniel Bateman: I'm going to get you the ball.

Jimmy McGinty: [starts shouting repeatedly to rev Danny up] Are you gonna get me the ball!

Daniel Bateman: [shouting back repeatedly] I wanna get you the ball!

[then runs on the field]

Jimmy McGinty: I hope he doesn't kill someone.

Jimmy McGinty: [Danny returns to him with the ball he got in the last play] You got me the ball.

Daniel Bateman: I got you the ball.

Jimmy McGinty: You got me the ball.

Daniel Bateman: I got you the ball.

Jimmy McGinty: [shouts repeatedly] You got me the ball!

Daniel Bateman: [shouts repeatedly] I got you the ball!

[then whistle blows]

Jimmy McGinty: [speaking calmly] Go sit down now, Danny.

Daniel Bateman: Okay.

[McGuinty then lets out a relieving sigh]

Jimmy McGinty: Falco! If I had wanted Cochran to have the ball I would've called it that way!

Shane Falco: I read blitz.

Jimmy McGinty: Bullshit! I put the game in your hands... you got scared.

Shane Falco: I READ BLITZ.

Jimmy McGinty: [walks over and looks at Falco with disgust] Winners always want the ball... when the game is on the line.