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[from trailer]
Pirate Captain: Avast! I'm a pirate captain, and I'm here for your gold!
Sailor: Gold? Afraid we don't have any gold, old man. This is a leper boat.
[his arm falls off]
Sailor: See?
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[from trailer]
Pirate Captain: Behind every captain, there's a crew. Sure, some of you are as ugly as a sea cucumber, some of you are closer to being a chair or coat rack than a pirate, and some of you are fish I've just dressed up in a hat...
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[from trailer]
Queen Victoria: I HATE PIRATES!
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[from trailer]
Pirate with Scarf: Can we get there?
Pirate Captain: Yes, but unfortunately there's this dirty great sea monster in the way.
Charles Darwin: I think they just add those on the maps for decoration.
Pirate Captain: Is that a fact?
[they go that way, and the monster appears and eats the ship]
Pirate with Scarf: See? I told you!
-
[from trailer]
Peg Leg Hastings: The Pirate of the Year Awards...
Pirate Captain: Every time I've entered, I've failed to win. So, I must have a really good chance this time!
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[from trailer]
Cutlass Liz: That trophy has got MY name on it.
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Pirate Captain: Fire the long things that go bang!
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[from trailer]
Pirate Captain: What pirates? Nobody here but us girl scouts!
[the crew is disguised in scout uniforms]
Bobo: Yeah. Right.
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[from trailer]
Black Bellamy: You want to be Pirate of the Year? Do they just give it to the guy with the fattest parrot?
Pirate Captain: She's not fat, she's just big-boned!
Black Bellamy: She's fat, dude!
[the Dodo vomits on Bellamy]
Black Bellamy: Dude, come on!
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[from trailer]
Pirate Captain: You're the best crew a captain could wish for!
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[from trailer]
Pirate Captain: [looks at Darwin's house] You don't get many girls, do you?
Bobo: No. He. Doesn't.
-
Pirate Captain: And that's why, in a straight fight, a shark would probably beat a Dracula.
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Pirate Captain: Now listen Charles, we've all done something unforgivable. I've betrayed my pirate honor, you've betrayed science, and Mr. Bobo's betrayed the animal kingdom.
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Charles Darwin: Yeah, I had this theory. I thought that if you took a monkey, gave him a monocle and covered up his gigantic unsightly ass, then he'd cease to be a monkey and become more of a "manpanzee," if you will.
-
Black Bellamy: Excuse me? Listen, this is all very moving, I'm welling up here. But...
The Pirate King: Bellamy, this is most irregular!
Black Bellamy: So is this!
[shows everyone the newspaper says "PARDONED!", the crowd of pirates gasping in horror]
Black Bellamy: It seems Queen Victoria has pardoned the Pirate Captain.
[the crowd of pirates yelling]
Pirate Captain: So, what if she did?
Black Bellamy: If you've been pardoned, Then, technically: you're no longer a pirate. And if you're no longer a pirate, you really can't be Pirate of the Year. Now, can you?
[the crowd yelling continues]
The Pirate King: [turns to Pirate Captain] Is this true?
Pirate Captain: Well, that's... That's one, frankly, rather negative way of looking at it.
The Pirate King: Ohh! Villainous treachery! Treachery villainy!
[turns back to Pirate Captain]
The Pirate King: You've betrayed the pirating fraternity!
Pirate Captain: But, Pirate King!
The Pirate King: Your pirate hat and coat!
[Pirate Captain gives him the pirate, necklace and hat]
The Pirate King: Your pirate badge with googly eyes.
[He gives him the pirate badge]
The Pirate King: And your World of Hooks discount card.
[He gives his World of Hooks card]
The Pirate King: Confiscate his treasure! Every last bit of it.
[Pirate Captain looks at them, Two pirates closes the treasure box]
The Pirate King: BEGONE! May your lubber shame bear down upon you! You are hereby banished from Blood Island!
[Black Bellamy snickers]
The Pirate King: You are a pirate NO MORE!
-
Pirate Captain: Hell's barnacles!
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[first lines]
servant: Admiral Collingwood!
Queen Victoria: Well, Admiral
Admiral Collingwood: Great news, Your Majesty! The French are defeated at last. Also the Russians, the Portuguese, the Chinese, and the Welsh.
-
Pirate Captain: By Neptune's lips!
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Pirate Captain: Avast! I'm a pirate captain, and I'm here for your gold!
Sailor: Gold? This is a plague boat, old man. I'd give my right arm for some gold.
[his left arm falls off]
Sailor: Or my left.
-
Pirate Captain: Oh, sweet Neptune's briny pants!
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Queen Victoria: Pity you can't eat pirates, really. But you'd probably taste of barnacles.
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Queen Victoria: Do you know why I really hate pirates?
Pirate Captain: Childhood trauma, was it? Bitten by a pirate when you were a baby? Beard envy?
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Pirate Captain: Sweet Neptune on a bike!
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[last lines]
Pirate with Scarf: Welcome back, Captain!
-
Pirate Captain: Of course, a lot of people would put MY success down to my luxuriant beard. But! Do you know what I put my BEARD'S success down to?
The Pirate King: [In a booming, concussive voice offscreen] SHOUTING?
Pirate Captain: Good guess, but actually no... Actually, it's all thanks... to this!
[Holds up a brown jug labeled "Pirate Captain's Beard Gel For Luxuriant Beards"]
Pirate Captain: Yes! Made with real bear grease, it's my famous Pirate Captain's Beard Gel!
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Receptionist: If you're a scientist, name three elements.
Pirate Captain: Elements. Well, let's see... there's gold... ham... and the tears of a mermaid.
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Pirate Captain: "Added on for decoration", my foot.
-
Scientist: He's not a scientist! He's a girl guide!
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Charles Darwin: [writing in his diary] I discovered a new species of barnacle today. I will never get a girlfriend. I am so unhappy.
The Pirates! Band of Misfits Quotes
Extended Reading
