The Pink Panther Quotes

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Intermittently, and without warning, I will attack you whenever and wherever it is least inspected. In this way, I will keep you vigilant and alert. Agreed?

Ponton: Yes.

[attacks Ponton, but Ponton hits Clouseau]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Good one.

Ponton: Thank you.

[repeated line]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Good one.

Ponton: You continue to surprise me, inspector.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Get used to it, Ponton. With me, surprises are rarely unexpected.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to take a closer look at your bowls.

Larocque: My what?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Your bowls. I would like to take a look at your big, brass bowls.

Larocque: Okay.

[starts to unzip pants]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Thank you.

[Picks up brass bowl on table and examines it]

Nigel Boswell/Agent 006: Boswell. Nigel Boswell. 006. Know what that means?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Of course I do. You are one short of the big time.

French journalist: Inspector, do you know if the killer was a man or woman?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, of course I know that. What else is there? A kitten?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What?

Ponton: Nothing.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You didn't say: Stop the car. Dear God, I beg of you, stop the car?

Ponton: No.

[first lines]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Ah. Clouseau. Yes, well, the first time I ever heard that name... Clouseau was just a little nobody. A police officer in some little village far outside of Paris. He was the village idiot as far as I could tell.

Ponton: [after Xania has invited him to dinner] It might be a trap.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Who cares?

Ponton: He was just found dead in the training facility locker room. Shot in the head.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Was it fatal?

Ponton: Yes.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: How fatal?

Ponton: Um, completely.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I want to talk to him now.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Is there anyone with you?

Yuri: No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Do you have a pair of high heels in that bag?

Yuri: No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Not even a small pair of pumps?

Yuri: No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Who are you?

Yuri: I am Yuri, the trainer.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And what is it you do here, Yuri the trainer?

Yuri: I train.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: So you are Yuri the trainer who trains.

[repeated line]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You are Yuri the trainer who trains.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [asking Ponton about his wife] Tell me about her.

Ponton: I consider her the most beautiful woman in the world.

[pauses]

Ponton: What about yourself?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: No, I don't consider myself a beautiful woman.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The good-cop/bad-cop routine is working perfectly.

Ponton: You know, usually two different cops do that.

Nicole: Would you like me to stay behind and help you?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: That is a generous offer, Nicole, but I am quite sensitive to office gender politics. And in today's world, the slightest gesture can be misinterpreted as harrasment. And it is late, and I would prefer not to put you or me into that delicate situation. Agreed?

Nicole: Yes, I agree.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [gives her a quick kiss on her lips] Well, lets seal it with a kiss. And I'll get back to work.

[slaps her on her butt as she goes out]

[accidentally drops a pill of Viagra into the sink]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: My miracle pill for the middle-aged man.

[footsteps are heard in the background]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Shhhh! Footsteps. It's a young woman... 30 to 35 years old... 5'2" ,5'4", brunette. And she is wearing high heels. Perhaps a bit too formal for the afternoon. And she has on... Chanel N°5.

[a male in his forties walks in]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Is anyone with you?

Yuri: No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Do you have a pair of high heels in that bag?

Yuri: No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Not even a small pair of pumps?

Yuri: No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You there. Halt. You are Yuri the trainer who trains.

Yuri: Yeah, that's right.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I am looking for a dead body. Perhaps you can tell me where it is.

Yuri: Oh, yeah. I heard it was in the locker room. You go down the hall, make a right and two lefts.

[seeing that Clouseau has almost burst into laughter and is trying to control it]

Yuri: You are finding something amusing here?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I'll be honest with you. I - I find your accent quite funny. Where are you from?

Yuri: From Russia. Gluant recruited me from the Russian military gym.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [mocking him] do-do-do-ba-ba-lo. You need to work on your accent.

Yuri: What?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What?

Yuri: What? What?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What?

Yuri: What?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I don't have time for this. I have to solve a murder.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Someone had words with Gluant... the night before he was killed.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [points his hand to a guard all of a sudden, releasing a vase stuck in his left hand, and Ponton, who was standing next to the guard catches it in time] Didn't you?

Larocque's Guard: No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You didn't threaten to brek his legs and then crush him into powder?

Larocque's Guard: [confused] No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Perhaps I saw that on TV.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Monsieur Larocque.

Larocque: Yes.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [talking about the vase stuck on his right hand] Is this vase of great value?

Larocque: It is a worthless imitation.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Good.

[slams the vase on the nearby desk in order to break it, but ends up breaking both the vase and the table in the process]

Larocque: But that desk was... priceless.

Ponton: Have you ever had a hamburger?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, of course not. It's a disgusting American food.

[starts eating the hamburger he was holding and enjoys it]

[trying to teach Clouseau an English accent]

Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a "damburgen".

Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a ham-bur-ger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a "damburgen".

Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a "damburgen"!

Nicole: Do you live by yourself, Inspector?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes, I do.

Nicole: Do you get lonely?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: No, not really. Not since the Internet.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Clouseau! Arrest him.

[Clouseau is running after Ponton]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Which one is he?

[Clouseau falls off banister]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: That would be him.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [walking around the room] It is lovely weather we are having. I hope the weather continues.

[chops curtain, table, etc., usually breaking something]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The area is secure.

Bizu: [referring to Gluant] I'm glad he's pushing up daisies.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: He is not pushing up the daisies. He is dead.

Bizu: [glares] It's an idiom.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You, sir, are the idiom.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Do not leave Europe.

Yuri: But I have to go to Asia.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Okay. Do not leave Europe or Asia.

Yuri: We have one match in Brazil.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: All right. Do not leave Europe, Asia, or the Americas.

[repeated line]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Newspapers!

[places newspaper over his face]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes, politics. Where greed wears the mask of morality.

Nicole: That's good. Did you say that?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [looks around] Yes, I did.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ponton, go to your databases. I want to interrogate every person in Paris with the name "You". And Ponton...

[about Bizu - dead]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: ... don't you find it a bit of a coincidence that the body fell perfectly within the chalk outline on the floor?

Ponton: I think they drew the chalk outline later

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ah! We are dealing with some kind of mastermind.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Did you say that booth was soundproof?

Roland Saint-Germain: Yes.

[walks into the booth and farts, everyone can hear him by the "turned on" microphone]

Nigel Boswell/Agent 006: Now, it's very important that you remain calm and do not turn around.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Remain calm. Do not turn around.

Nigel Boswell/Agent 006: Behind you in the casino are the Gas Mask Bandits.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [turning around and not remaining calm] Oh, my God! The Gas Mask Bandits!

Female Reporter: Inspector.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes?

Female Reporter: Yes, what is your initial premise?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: That Gluant did not want to be killed. Everthing else follows like liquid mercury flowing down a-- A-- A sloping thing.

Female Reporter: How long do you think it will take to find the killer?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Right now the killer is being surrounded by a web of deduction, forensic science and the latest in technology such as two-way radios and e-mail.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And you are?

Ponton: Gilbert Ponton. Detective, second class. I've been assigned to work with you.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And what qualifications do you have for police work?

Ponton: My family's done police work in Paris for nine generations.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And before that?

Ponton: We were policemen in the surrounding areas for 200 years.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And before that?

Ponton: Immigrants from various countries in Europe. All involving police work.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And before that?

Ponton: Farmers.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Hmm. So you are a little lamb who has come to Clouseau for to learn.

[last lines]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ooh... that breeze feels good.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Now, a few hours before the murder, six witnesses saw you repeatedly striking the deceased and screaming-- What was it, Ponton?

Ponton: 'I am going to kill you. 'I am going to kill you.'

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Monsieur Dumont, you must move your vehicle immediately.

Old man in wheelchair: Oh. I am so so sorry, Officer Clouseau. My chair, it won't move.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Here's your problem.

[investigates the wheel chair]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Your battery cable has come undone. Let me help. Let's see. The positive to the negative.

[puts the positive charge in the negative plug]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The negative to the positive.

[puts the negative charge into the positive plug]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: There. All right, you are ready to go.

[the old man reverses backwards into a market stall]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: All clear, keep it moving.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I've got Bizu in the interrogation room.

Ponton: What's the plan?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I'm going to give him the good-cop/bad-cop routine.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You are the soccer player known as Bizu?

Bizu: Yes.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You were acquainted with Yves Gluant?

Bizu: I'm glad he is pushing up daisies.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: He is not pushing up daisies. He is dead.

Bizu: It's an idiom.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You, sir, are the idiom. Now, unless you want to spend the rest of your life in prison, you will answer the next question. Did you kill him?

Bizu: I would have loved to have killed him. But some lucky bastard beat me to it.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You disgust me. I'll be right back!.

[leaves room]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You disgust me. I'll be right back!.

[leaves room]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [re-enters room] Cigarette?

Bizu: No. Thanks.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Good for you. Bizu... I knew you didn't do it. Someone else did, and they are trying to set you up.

Bizu: You'll help me?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Of course I'll help you. Now, do you have any idea who might have done this terrible thing?

Bizu: His partner in those stupid restaurants, Larocque.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Raymond Larocque, the casino owner.

Bizu: Gluant would steal money from the restaurants and use it to gamble. My guess is Larocque got fed up... and had him killed.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Bizu, I like you. I'm going to help you. You and I are going to make a great team.

[leaves room and shuts door]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The good cop / bad cop routine is working perfectly.

Ponton: You know, usually two different cops do that.

TSA Agent: What's in your pocket, sir?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Nothing.

TSA Agent: Sir, I'll say again, what's in your pocket?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Nothing.

TSA Agent: I'm gonna ask you again, what's in your pocket, sir?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau proceeds to mumble the word 'hamburger' in an unintelligible manner throughout his interrogation] All right. I have, in my pocket... a couple of 'hambworstforts'.

TSA Agent: What?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I have in my pocket... a couple of 'dolvargars'.

TSA Agent: Sir?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau continues to mumble the word 'Hamburger'] 'Handbirders'.

TSA Agent: Sir, in your pocket, you have...?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: All right, I have four... 'Hanholders'.

TSA Agent: I'm sorry. Once more?.

[Clouseau mumbles something unintelligible that sounds like'hamburger', but the TSA agent cannot understand Clouseau's thick French accent]

TSA Agent: Again!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: 'Damburrs'!

TSA Agent: Sir?

[a man in the crowd says "Hey, what's that"?]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: 'Damburger'!

TSA Agent: Sir-- sir, I'm losing my patience.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Oh, you are? You are losing your patience?

TSA Agent: Yes.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I'm simply telling you I have a couple of 'tamburthers'.

TSA Agent: I've got an End darter down on six, I've got an End darter down on six!

National Guard: Locked and loaded, sir!

Security Agent: Show me your hands, sir!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: All right, I'll just show you.

[Clouseau attempts to take the hamburgers out of his pocket, and Ponton tries to keep Clouseau from making a fool of himself]

Security Guard: No, no, no! Stay here, sir!

[repeated lines]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [after Ponton blocks one of Clouseau's surprise attacks with a counter-attack of his own] Good one.

Ponton: Thank you.

Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy your hamber.

Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [slowly] I would like to buy a am... berger.

Dialect Instructor: [She attempts to help him pronounce each individual word] No, no, no, let's break it down. I...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [misunderstanding] Eh?

Dialect Instructor: I.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ah.

Dialect Instructor: Would.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [doesn't understand, saying other words that sound like "would"] Wood.

Dialect Instructor: Would.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [tries to pronouce the word] Woo-od.

Dialect Instructor: Would.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Weird.

Dialect Instructor: [the dialect teacher stretches the pronunciation of "would"] Would...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [improves a bit] Would...

Dialect Instructor: Like.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Like...

Dialect Instructor: Like.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Like.

Dialect Instructor: To

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [mistakes the word "to" for the number 2] , Trois?

Dialect Instructor: To

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Toi?

Dialect Instructor: To

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Twa?

Dialect Instructor: Buy.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: By...

Dialect Instructor: Buy.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Bee...

Dialect Instructor: Buy.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Bye-bye.

Dialect Instructor: [pronounced with a schwa sound] A.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [pronounced like a long "a"] A...

Dialect Instructor: To?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Toi.

Dialect Instructor: Buy...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Bay.

Dialect Instructor: Buy...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Bee.

Dialect Instructor: Buy.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Bye-bye.

Dialect Instructor: A...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Eh.

Dialect Instructor: Hamburger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Amburgar.

[Clouseau tries to pronounce "hamburger"]

Dialect Instructor: Hamburger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ehamber.

Dialect Instructor: Hambugrer.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ambebber.

Dialect Instructor: Ham...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Em.

Dialect Instructor: Bur...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ber.

Dialect Instructor: Ger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Gar.

Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a damburger.

Dialect Instructor: It's not "damburger", "hamburger".

Dialect Instructor: [teaching Clouseau how to say "I would like to buy a hamburger" with an American accent] I would like to buy a hamburger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a damburger.

Dialect Instructor: It's not "damburger"; "hamburger".

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I'm not saying "dim burger"; I said "I would like to buy a damburger".

Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy the hambedder.

Dialect Instructor: Ham - burger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a amdurger!

Dialect Instructor: Maybe we should stop.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: We don't quit! We do not quit! Again, again!

Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a hambaa!

Dialect Instructor: [more insistently] I would like to buy a hamburger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to bite daberger!

Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a amburgar!

Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy ambargar!

Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Daburger!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [the telephone rings] That may be one of your mysterious clients now.

[Clouseau answers the phone]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Hello? Yes, I am the person in charge of the phone bill. Well, I'm somewhat happy with my service. Twelve months with that many minutes? Plus free minutes per month? Well, yes, sign me up.

[Clouseau recites his credit card number in French]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes, Jacques Clouseau, credit card number: quatre, zero, zero, zero, deux, trois, quatorze, quatre, cinq, onze, douze, umph, umph, umph, cinq, huit, neuf, huit, neuf, deux-bi-deux-bi-deux. Yes? Yes, you may have my e-mail address. "DoctorKnockers@aol.com". Merci.

[Xania giggles]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, I think I just got myself a pretty good deal.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: As Chief Inspector of the Police Nationale, I hear many stories of our officers in the field; Clouseau generated many, many stories.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau forces a door open, to find a dog lying in a basket; the dog whimpers] You are under arrest for the murder of Pierre Fuquette!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau forces a door open, to discover a baby in a playpen; the baby coos] You are under arrest for the murder of Pierre Fuquette!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau forces a door open, to discover that Pierre Fuquette is alive and well] You are under arrest for the murder of Pierre Fuquette!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau does a double-take] Pierre Fuquette? The case is closed!

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [sarcastically] Well, this is a glorious day for France.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: How so, chief inspector?

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Because a stupid idiot named Clouseau is going to be stripped of his rank while I take over his case.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You have a second man named Clouseau?

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [mutters softly] My God. Leave us alone for a moment. You, out. Go, go. Go. I must have a private word with Inspector Clouseau.

[Everyone, except for Renard and Ponton leaves the room]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Understand something, Clouseau. When I made you an inspector, it was not because I thought you had any value as a detective. It was because I thought you were the stupidest policeman in all of France. A hopeless, deluded idiot.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Then I was not promoted for my merits?

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: I only made you inspector because I needed someone who would quietly get nowhere until I was ready to take over the case myself.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I was trying to catch a killer.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: You were trying-- You were trying to become a hero. Well, you will be stripped of your rank, ridiculed by the media, and I will be done with you. And now if you will excuse me, ex-Inspector, I must go and prepare for the arrest which will win me the Medal of Honor, catapult me to the National Assembly, and after that, who knows? Goodbye, Clouseau.

Deputy Chief Renard: Shall we lock him up?

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Look at him. He is finished. Let him go home to obscurity.

[He and Renard leave the room]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [He looks at Ponton with disappointment] You knew?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ah. The Internet. Hello, old friend.

[reading from the Internet]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: "To download your new cell-phone ringtone, press the button that says 'download'. "

[mispronounces "mouse" as "moose"]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I take the moose, and I click, but do not drag, the button that says "download".

[His computer monitor displays a virus warning message that says "Fatal System Error"; the entire apartment building and city of Paris experiences a power blackout from the virus]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Gentlemen, and lady, good morning. Meet Dr. Li How Pang.

[points at surveillance photos of Dr. Pang and Yves Gluant]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: He was, of course, in the VIP box when Gluant was killed. Coincidentally, Dr. Pang would send Gluant large sums of money. Presumably, Gluant was to invest these sums on Pang's behalf. But being a compulsive gambler, Gluant took the money and gambled it all away. So Pang had the the motive. He had the opportunity. Pang is in France for the president's ball tonight. We will arrest him for the murder of Yves Gluant.

Justice Minister Clochard: Bravo, chief inspector.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [heard on television from Clouseau's apartment] I am pleased to announce that I am personally taking over the Pink Panther investigation and that an arrest is imminent. Thank you.

Palais Reporter: Chief Inspector, the coroner has announced that Bizu was killed with a perfect shot to the occipital lobe. Any comments?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The occipital lobe?

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: It's irrelevant.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The occipital lobe.

[he sits down at his desktop computer,and observes his arrest at the airport, remarking with a sarcastic tone]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Oh, well that makes me feel good.

[notices something on his computer screen]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Zoom.

[gasps in surprise]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Of course.

[calls Ponton on his cell phone]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ponton, I need you over here immediately. We are back on the case.

[calls Nicole on his cell phone]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Nicole, I believe Bizu and Gluant were both killed by the same person. And that the killer will strike again tonight. I want you to meet me at the presidential palace. And bring me my vinyl bag marked "presidential palace." And hurry! Xania is in grave danger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Clouseau.

Ticket Checker: I'm sorry, but your name is not on the list.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Not on the list?

Ponton: Dreyfus must have made sure you cannot get in.

[Nicole makes a bird call, motioning for Clouseau and Ponton to meet her]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ponton.

[he hums as he and Ponton stroll away from the main gate to meet Nicole]

Nicole: Inspector, here is your bag.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Good work, Nicole.

Ponton: What is that?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Camouflage. Let's go. Nicole.

Nicole: Yes?

Nicole: One last thing.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes?

[Clouseau removes her glasses]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: It's evening, and you look beautiful without your glasses.

Nicole: Thank you, inspector.

[she squints, and bumps into a tree]

Nicole: Oh, ow!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [wearing wallpaper pattern disguises] Good work, Ponton. We're in. Look! It's the killer! After him! Change outfits.

[They take off their masks. The palace guard arrives]

Palace Guard: Stop! Turn around. Who are you? What are you doing here?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: We are-- We are, we are two-- We are-- I'll tell you exactly who we are.

Ponton: Yes.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: We are -

[Nicole arrives]

Nicole: I have been looking for you two everywhere. Where the hell have you been?

Palace Guard: You know these two?

Nicole: [slightly annoyed] Of course I know them. They are Xania's back-up dancers. They go on in the third act with the Komodo dragon and the snow machine. Why do you think they are dressed like that, for fun?

Palace Guard: Prove it.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I don't have to prove -

[the palace guard cocks his gun; Clouseau starts to dance and Ponton joins in the dance number while Xania continues singing]

Nicole: [Clouseau and Ponton pant for breath after they've finished dancing] Can't you see these dancers are exhausted? Go and fetch them some water.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [the palace guard leaves] That was fantastic.

Nicole: [giggles] You think so?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You are... an amazing woman.

[He approaches Nicole to kiss her, only to be interrupted by Ponton]

Ponton: Inspector, the killer.

[Clouseau returns and kisses Nicole]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Now I am ready to catch a killer.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: In the name of the statutes and laws of the great nation of France, I arrest you for the murder of Yves Gluant. Yuri, the trainer who trains.

[Clouseau unmasks Yuri; the guests gasp]

Palais Reporter: And who are you?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau unmasks himself] I am Inspector Jacques Clouseau.

Yuri: Gluant was nothing! I drew up the plays. He takes credit for brilliant French defense which I gave him and treats me like I'm dead. Okay, fine. Now he is dead from Chinese poison.

[the crowd gasps in shock]

Ponton: Inspector, what made you think it was him?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: But, Ponton, think back. You were there.

[Flashback to Ms. Yu's interrogation]

Yu: [in subtitled Chinese] Why do you bother me? Why did you bring me down here? I'm busy. The soccer coach was killed with Chinese poison. You should look for soccer trainers. They are required to have a knowledge of Chinese herbs.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: She was right, of course. According to Statute 87223, every trainer of the National soccer team must have a knowledge of Chinese herbs.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Flashback to Yves Gluant's murder] This made it easy for him to murder Gluant.

Palais Reporter: And Bizu?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Simple. Bizu had often heard Yuri's rants against Gluant. So Bizu blackmailed Yuri and got himself killed.

Bizu: [Flashback to Bizu's murder] Oh, it's you.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: A stunning shot to the head burrowing deeply into the occipital lobe.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: But Yuri is a soccer trainer. That shot was made by an expert marksman.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: But Chief Inspector, I'm sure you're familiar with Russian Army statute 611.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Well, of course.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau, Chief Inspector Dreyfus: All members must be expert marksmen...

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Expert marksmen.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau, Chief Inspector Dreyfus: ...and understand the location of the occipital...

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Occipital lobe, of course.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Very true.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes, Yuri. Xania is still alive. But you hated her. And that's why you are trying to kill her. You hated her because she went with Bizu and then Gluant and treated you like you were nothing. But you forgot a fundamental truth about women. A woman is like a... s like a... artichoke. You have to do a bit of work before you get to her heart.

[Nicole faints]

Palais Reporter: What about the diamond? What about the Pink Panther?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes, Uh, thank you, Inspector Clouseau for carrying out my orders. Hand over the diamond, Yuri.

Yuri: What do I care about your stinking diamond?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: He does not have the diamond.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [skeptically] The murderer does not have the diamond?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: No.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [mockingly] Well, then, where is it, Inspector Clouseau?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: It is there! In her purse!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Let me see.

[He searches Xania's purse but finds nothing]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Sorry, Clouseau, no diamond.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [He takes out a Swiss Army knife, and opens the miniature scissors] The purse, please.

[He uses the mini-scissors to cut into the purse's inner lining]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Could you hold that, please?

[He hands the Swiss Army knife to Dreyfus, and takes the Pink Panther ring out of Xania's purse]

Xania: After Gluant came to me, he said he decided to stop cheating on me. Then he asked me to marry him... and put the ring in my hands. After he was killed, I thought if I came forward with the ring, everyone would think I did it.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: If Gluant gave you the ring before he died, then according to Civil Statute 812-914B, you are the rightful owner. You may keep the Pink Panther.

Ponton: But Inspector, how did you know she had it?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: It was simple, Ponton. I was looking at a photo of myself at the checkpoint. Something caught my eye: Xania's purse passing through the X-ray machine. I enlarged the photo... and in it... the Pink Panther. The case is closed!

[the crowd cheers and applauds]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Chief Inspector, I can't thank you enough for giving me the opportunity to solve the Pink Panther murder. Without your decision to put me on the case, who knows, someone else might have won the Medal of Honor this year.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Yes, I know.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I owe it all to you, chief inspector. Without you, I would be nothing.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Perhaps you still are.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ah! Excellent verbal joust, Inspector.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [the corner of Dreyfus's coat gets caught in the car door as Clouseau closes it] You idiot!

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Oh, no.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Hit it, Ponton.

[Ponton drives away with Dreyfus being dragged on the road]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: No! Clouseau! Stop the car. Deer--

[the rest of Dreyfus's conversation goes unheard]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What?

Ponton: Nothing.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You didn't say: "Stop the car. Dear God, I beg of you, stop the car"?

Ponton: No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Hmm...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [His leg accidentally touches the bed's wheel lock, and it starts to roll away] You know, Ponton.

Ponton: Yes, Inspector.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: This is a very hard time for Inspector Dreyfus. It is important that we show compassion. And we must use the gentle healing power of laughter.

[Dreyfus groans as his bed rolls into the hospital corridor and down a staircase. The Pink Panther theme starts playing. Doctors, nurses, and medical staff start panicking and shrieking as Dreyfus's bed continues to roll away]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: This is going to hurt.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [Dreyfus and his bed fly through a window and into the River Seine] Clouseau!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ooh. That breeze feels good.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Why?

Xania: Why what?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Why were you being so elusive today?

Xania: I was afraid of Larocque. He might be following me.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Larocque? The casino owner?

Xania: He sent out word threatening to kill anyone in possession of the Pink Panther. He believes it belongs to him.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: But why would he follow you?

Xania: I was in New York to see a diamond cutter. He might draw the wrong conclusion.