The Pacifier Quotes

[from trailer]

Shane Wolfe: [to the kids he's watching] I'm never gonna be able to remember your names so you're Red One, Red Two, Red Three, Red Baby.

[from trailer]

Shane Wolfe: [while changing the baby's diaper] Ewwww, Red Baby!

[from trailer]

Seth Plummer: We're all gonna die.

Lulu Plummer: Do you know Kung Fu?

Shane Wolfe: Yes.

Lulu Plummer: Have you ever hit a guy so hard his head came off?

Shane Wolfe: No.

Lulu Plummer: Why are your boobs so big?

Shane Wolfe: [shocked] They are not... boobs.

Lulu Plummer: Do you have to wear a bra?

Shane Wolfe: What?

Lulu Plummer: Will mine be as big as yours one day?

Shane Wolfe: Isn't it about time you go nappy-poo in beddy-bye land?

Lulu Plummer: Do I look like I'm five?

Shane Wolfe: What did I say?

Lulu Plummer: Disrespectful. And to think I was interested in you.

Shane Wolfe: [after Seth has gone to his room] Where's the older male? There were five.

Helga: [fearfully] He walks like Dracula, silent as the dead.

Zoe Plummer: He's in his room.

Shane Wolfe: Mrs. Plummer, I will personally make sure your kids are...

[Gary the Duck bites him in the ear]

Shane Wolfe: Oh, my God!

Julie Plummer: [puts Gary down] Sorry, that's Gary. He was Howard's.

Shane Wolfe: He bit me!

Julie Plummer: I know. He thinks he's a guard dog.

Lulu Plummer: I think you're cute!

Shane Wolfe: [awkwardly] Thank you.

Shane Wolfe: Think of it as a Bradley Assault Vehicle.

Seth Plummer: Yeah, especially with Zoe driving.

Julie Plummer: I trusted you... Howard trusted you... you betrayed us... and you betrayed your country.

Capt. Bill Fawcett: Guess what? North Korea pays better.

Helga: [to Shane] Are you licensed to kill?

Shane Wolfe: No, why?

Helga: Too bad. It could have come in handy.

[after Shane just did the Peter Panda Dance for Peter]

Peter Plummer: Good night, Daddy!

Shane Wolfe: [to Zoe's boyfriend, Scott] Give me twenty!

[Scott pulls out his wallet]

Shane Wolfe: I mean push-ups!

[after seeing Woody Woodchuck's kiddie restaurant]

Shane Wolfe: And they say *war* is hell.

Shane Wolfe: [to Vice Principle Murney] I can't today, I'm on duty...

Vice Principal Murney: [to Shane] Oh yeah, you're babysitting. More like "doo-doo duty."

Seth Plummer: [Shane kicks in Seth's bedroom door - Seth exits the bathroom] Oh my god! What did you do?

Shane Wolfe: I was trying to protect you!

Seth Plummer: How? By pulling a shock-and-awe on my door?

Shane Wolfe: I can fix that.

Seth Plummer: No you can't! It's broken in half!

First Junior Grizzly: Hey Skeever, what do you put in a jar and shake till they're dead?

Second Junior Grizzly: Fireflies!

Lulu Plummer: I can cross my eyes, wanna see?

Shane Wolfe: No!

Lulu Plummer: [crosses her eyes, then baby Tyler cries] He hates it when I do that.

Shane Wolfe: I know the feeling.

Director: We open in a week, people! The set isn't finished. Mother Abbess just quit because she has shingles. And, every step-ball change would make Bob Fosse rise from the grave just so he could have a heart attack again!

Seth Plummer: I'll get it right.

Director: No, you won't. You and your... *mother* over here can't get it right. And, I know this because I am a professional. I directed Show Boat with Greg Brady. It wasn't union, but it was good. Good! Good! Good!

[puts hand up to rest up against prop, but crashes through it and falls down and then gets up and straightens himself out]

Director: Obviously, I quit!

Firefly Scout: Den mother, you frighten me.

Shane Wolfe: Good.

Shane Wolfe: When you're down and low, lower than the floor, And you feel like you ain't got a chance. Bom, bom, bom, Don't make a move till you're in the groove And do the Peter Panda Dance:

[Clap twice]

Shane Wolfe: 'Just hop three times like a kangaroo, Side-step twice just like those/the crabs do, Three steps forward, one step back. Quick like a turtle, lie on your back!

[Whispering]

Shane Wolfe: 'Roll like a log till you can't roll no more!' Better jump up quick like there ain't no floor, Hold your breath, and jump/step/slide to the left'; And that's the Peter, I swear that's the Peter, That's the Peter Panda Dance!

[And then he goes on and say]

Shane Wolfe: Goodnight, Peter Panda!

Shane Wolfe: They were after this.

[He loads the "GHOST" disc into laptop, the movie "Ghost" begins playing]

Lulu Plummer: They want our "Ghost" movie? Haven't they heard of Blockbuster?

Zoe Plummer: [about the people at the party] Who are all these people?

Scott: I don't know.

Zoe Plummer: We need to talk.

Scott: Don't hate the player, girl, hate the game.

Vice Principal Murney: You mess with the bull, you get the horns!

[puts two fingers on his head]

Shane Wolfe: [garage door opens, and the family van is revealed] What is it?

Seth Plummer: It's a "minivan".

Seth Plummer: [as they're being chased by the police] Zoey, you're going too fast! You're not gonna have enough time to stop!

Zoe Plummer: Who said anything about stopping? I'm parking!

Mr. Chun: [Seth sprays him in the face with a fire extinguisher] That stuff doesn't hurt.

[Seth hits him in the face with the extinguisher]

[when Lulu's tracker alarm beeps, Shane runs to her classroom, opens the door, and rolls in, ready for action - and sees the class staring at him, while Lulu is doing "show and tell."]

Lulu Plummer: See? But he usually breaks down the door.

[after Shane lets Zoe drive the family to school, Lulu tumbles out of the car]

Lulu Plummer: [kissing the ground] Land! Solid land!

[when Mr. Chun is distracted, the Plummer children escape the room, except Lulu]

Lulu Plummer: [strikes a karate pose...] AY-YA!

Mr. Chun: [sneers] That's cute.

[... and kicks him in the crotch, before fleeing with the others]

Lulu Plummer: [Lulu walks up to Shane] Hi. Zoe says you look like the Hulk; I think you're cute.

Shane Wolfe: [Uncomfortably] Thank you.

Lulu Plummer: Do you do Kung Fu?

Shane Wolfe: Yes.

Lulu Plummer: Did you ever punch someone so hard that their head came off?

Shane Wolfe: No.

Lulu Plummer: Why are your boobs so big?

Shane Wolfe: [Offended] They're NOT boobs.

Lulu Plummer: Do you have to wear a bra?

[Shane walks into the other room. Lulu follows him]

Lulu Plummer: So will my boobs get as big as yours someday?

Shane Wolfe: You know, little girl, I think it's time you went nappy-poo in beddy-bye land.

Lulu Plummer: Do I look like I'm five to you?

[Crossly walks away]

Shane Wolfe: What did I say?

Lulu Plummer: Disrespectful. And to think I was interested in you!

[Slams door]

Shane Wolfe: Give me twenty.

[Scott reaches for his wallet]

Shane Wolfe: I meant push-ups!

Scott: [uncomfortably] Zoe?

Shane Wolfe: Drop down! Do twenty!

[Scott drops down on the ground and begins doing push-ups. Shane begins to count]

Shane Wolfe: One...

Zoe Plummer: [Shane continues to count] OK, this is not the Army or the Navy!

[Later after Scott is gone, Zoe is going upstairs angrily]

Zoe Plummer: Real nice move, Lt. Smooth! Now he'll probably never want to see me again!

Shane Wolfe: Then I did you a favor.

Zoe Plummer: Whoa! Personal bubble invasion.

Shane Wolfe: [Lulu has talked Shane into leading her troop] Tonight, I'm your den mother. That means if you want to live to see tomorrow, you will do everything I say. Do we understand each other?

Firefly Girl Scout: Den mother, you frighten me.

Shane Wolfe: Good.