The O.C. Quotes

Ryan: [Seth has been smoking pot due to stress of going to college] It's almost 3:30. Isn't your interview at 4?

Seth: [high] What are you talking about?

[looks at clock]

Ryan: Are you ready?

Seth: Am I ready? Do me a favor.

[pulls up shirt sleeve and feels bicep]

Seth: Go ahead and feel that. Feel that puppy right there.

Ryan: No.

Seth: Okay. You don't want to touch another man, I get it. You find my slender swimmer's body, um, intimidating.

Ryan: [confused] Something smells.

Seth: No it doesn't. No it doesn't. But they, uh, they say that the first sign of a, um, brain tumor, is, uh, phantom smells so you should lie down.

[Ryan finds can of air freshener]

Seth: Hey. Hey, you solved it. You're a mystery solver. You're like - you're like Encyclopedia Brown. Remember when Encyclopedia Brown went on down to Texas...

[Ryan raises his eyebrows]

Seth: -and solved the mystery of the great shootout? Hey - how about this for a change. A cage match - Encyclopedia Brown versus the Great Brain - to the death.

Ryan: [pause] Are you high?

Seth: [tries to look innocent, then laughs uncontrollably] Am I high? No. No! Come on, man, I love it when you go for the comedy but I would not - I would not quit your day job beating up people. I would.

Seth: [Ryan finds ashtray with joints] I don't know how that got there.

Taylor Townsend: You know, it is so great that you guys have each other.

Summer: [confused] Thanks.

Taylor Townsend: 'Cause everyone knows that Marissa was the popular one, and Seth, no judgment, but it's not like you got any cooler in the last two years. I mean, everyone just acted that way because they were afraid of Ryan Atwood. I mean, even as a senior, you're still pretty much the biggest geek in Newport.

Summer: [cuts Taylor off] Oh-ho, no. All right, listen to me, skank, just because you're saying really mean things in, like, a really nice voice, doesn't mean that we don't realize that you're just some stupid little skank!

Summer: [after Summer and Seth have tricked Taylor into revealing her affair with Dean Hess] Hey, skank.

Seth: You were expecting someone taller? Blonder, with a pageboy haircut?

Summer: Welcome to the Terradome, Townsend. You're busted.

Taylor Townsend: [smugly] For what, exactly?

Summer: Hmm. A little extracurricular activity with Dean Hess? Yeah. I saw you two making out at the dance.

Taylor Townsend: [smugly] So what if we did?

Seth: [stumped, to Summer] She makes one hell of a poker player. I mean, she's pretty good.

Summer: Yeah, well, unless you and the Dean want this little thingamajig...

Seth: [corrects Summer] Indiscretion.

Summer: - to go public, we have a few demands. Don't we?

Seth: Yeah.

Summer: Starting with the lifting of the ban of Ryan Atwood from Harbor.

Taylor Townsend: [indifferent] You can go ahead and tell anyone you want. No-one's going to believe you.

Seth: [frustrated] She's like a block of ice.

Summer: You willing to bet your squeaky little reputation on that, Taylor trash? 'Cause I've got a *huge* mouth and an even bigger buddy list. Mmm-hmm.

[whips out Sidekick]

Summer: See this right here? Sidekick. Walkie-talkie of the twenty-first century. Who should we radio first?

Seth: How about my dad?

Summer: Yeah. 10-4, good buddy. So what's it going to be? You can either tell Seth's dad the perverted truth and save your sorry ass, or you can roll the dice. Over and out.

Seth: [holds up My Little Pony] Who is this?

Summer: [looks embarrassed] No-one.

Seth: [imitating pony's voice] I'm not no-one.

Summer: Princess Sparkle, what do you want?

Marissa: So, I'll make you a deal. Whatever song comes on the radio next will be our song.

Ryan: Okay.

[Marissa turns on the radio, a loud rap song comes on]

Ryan: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah. That's definitely us.

Julie: [when Luke hits on her in the hall] Luke, you're a student at this school. I'm Marissa's mother.

Luke: [incredulous] You mean it's over?

Julie: No, of course not. I meant in the hall. I'll see you tonight.

Summer: [after Taylor has tricked Summer into giving up Social Chair position] Just so you know, you and your friend the Dean may have won this round, but the war is not over.

Taylor Townsend: Well, unless you have an exit strategy, don't even get out of the boat. I am a human quagmire.

[leaves]

Summer: [tries to look unruffled, then stops random passing student] What's a quagmire?

[student ignores her and walks away]

Summer: Hello?

[to entire hallway]

Summer: What's a quagmire?

Caleb Nichol: It's always cause'a Kirsten. When you railroaded my dinner, was that cause'a her too?

Sandy: No. That one was for you.

Sandy: Hey, how are ya?

[waves]

Sandy: I'm Sandy.

Danny: Why don't you take a shower?

Sandy: Pardon me?

Danny: Jus- just kiddin. I-I like ya dirty.

[whispers]

Danny: Sandy, dirty. Sandy, dirty.

Sandy: [speaking to Julie about the guy blackmailing her over her role in an '80s porn movie] You handle Marisa and I'll handle the Colonel.

Julie: That's a Boogie Nights reference.

Sandy: Expect a lot of them.

Summer: What do you want from me Cohen?

Seth: I just want you.

Ryan: Sometimes I think you talk just to make sounds.

Seth: Well, sometimes I do.

[Ryan turns out the light Marissa moves closer]

Ryan: Thought you wanted to sleep?

Marissa: Suddenly not so tired.

Seth: Mom, on the other hand, Waspy McWasp.

Sandy: We're so proud.

Kirsten: I am not a Wasp!

Seth: Sure you're not.

Jimmy: Well, we've basically blown through our entire budget.

Sandy: Well you're really not so good at managing the money are you Coop?

Jimmy: No, I'm... really not.

Kirsten: Julie, are you okay?

Julie: Duh! I don't need any steak knives! Do you want some coffee cake?

Marissa: It *will* be fun!

Summer: What's more fun than watching a neurotic freak bat his eyes at perfect pixie chick?

Marissa: I was being sarcastic.

Summer: So was I. Which neither one of us was before Cohen came along and taught us all irony... Jackass!

Summer: Suddenly, my family not looking so dysfunctional.

Marissa: You do realize that this is my family too?

Ryan: I appreciate you driving me down to Chino, but I can take care of this myself. This shouldn't have to be your problem.

Sandy: Hey. If it's a Ryan problem, it's a Cohen problem.

Seth: You guys really wouldn't hurt me, because that would be so clichéd.

[they pick him up]

Seth: I guess you're fans of the cliché.

Sandy: There's no need for sarcasm.

Seth: I'm not being sarcastic.

Sandy: Well, it's hard to tell sometimes.

Seth: You know what I mean?

Ryan: Hardly ever.

Marissa: I love you.

Ryan: Uh... Thank you?

Sandy: We suck.

Kirsten: That was not very smooth.

Sandy: I told you this was a bad idea.

Kirsten: No, you didn't!

Seth: I don't wanna know. Don't care.

Zach: [on Seth and Summer] Even when you're not a couple you'll always be a couple. You're Joanie and Chachi, Luke and Leia.

Seth: Um, Luke and Leia were brother and sister.

Zach: Yeah, well, may the force be with you.

[leaves]

Kirsten: [frowns] Why is that ninja smoking a cigarette?

Sandy: Honey honey, I don't actually think that's a ninja, ninjas usually wear capes, right?

Kirsten: oooh so a ninja is like a super hero

Seth: [had enough] mom, dad, you two enjoy

[gets up]

Seth: Ryan

[steps over Sandy's legs]

Seth: give me five minutes

Sandy: Where you goin?

[Ryan smiles]

Sandy: come on back

Ryan: Nice work

[Kirsten smiles, pleased]

Sandy: Never underestimate a parent's ability to mortify his child

Jimmy: Don't you remember when we were kids? No one could keep us apart.

Julie: Ok, first of all: it is not the same thing. Second of all: am I the gardener in this scenario? I think not.

Jimmy: My parents threatened to cut me off if I didn't break up with you.

Julie: You never told me that.

Jimmy: Why hurt your feelings?

Julie: What did you tell them?

Jimmy: I told them to go to hell. I told them I was in love with you. I was.

Julie: Well, I was easy to love back then. I was beautiful and much nicer.

Jimmy: Jules, come on, you're still beautiful. And we both know you were never nice.

Marissa: [speaking loudly] Uh, what's that, Seth? Did you say you need a ride to a Star Wars convention?

[She walks into the hallway with Seth and closes the door]

Seth: The Star Wars convention? I'm sorry. Her top was off. You couldn't have at least said X-Men for me?

Summer: Lost my mind there, didn't I?

Marissa: Little bit.

Ryan: What are you doing for dinner?

Theresa: Nothing.

Ryan: Don't say you're not hungry, I know you.

Theresa: I didn't say I wasn't hungry. I'm starving. Why do you think I'm being such a bitch?

Luke: You know you're a little far from 8 mile

[pulls down Ryan's hood]

Tom Willington: Sandy Cohen, working on the weekend.

Sandy: Tom Willington, as I live and breathe.

Marissa: Hey, how come you're the brains? I'm the one who talked us back into that club.

Seth: I'm sorry. I'm the brains.

Ryan: You can be the beauty.

Marissa: Okay, thanks.

Summer: Great, and what am I, Cohen?

Seth: Uh, the boobs?

[Summer hits him]

Seth: Uh, the bitch?

Summer: Okay, I'll take the boobs.

Seth: Hey. So will I.

[Summer laughs]

Seth: [later]

Marissa: See, I think I should be the brains.

Ryan: No, Seth's the brains.

Marissa: Well, you're clearly not the beauty.

Ryan: Ooooh, and now someone's the bitch.

[smiles]

Seth: So what's the GP, RA?

Ryan: I have no idea what you just said.

Seth: Game plan, Ryan Atwood.

Ryan: You're just using initials now?

Seth: Yeah, it saves time.

Ryan: Well, not if you have to translate.

Seth: GP.

Ryan: Game plan?

Seth: Good point.

Kirsten: Oh, someone, please stop him before he starts singing "Greased Lightning."

Seth: Do it, dad. Travolta's your bitch.

Sandy: Oh, thank you, son.

Kirsten: [on the phone with wedding planner] Colored lights, no way. White lights only because colored lights remind my father of a carnival. And he hates carnies.

Sandy: Note to self: hang with carnies.

Seth: Damn it! I'm being sarcastic.

Ryan: So, sarcasm's like breathing for you.

Seth: Yeah, Summer's dad thinks sarcasm is a sign of weakness.

Ryan: Sounds like a smart man.

Summer: Are you making fun of me?

Anna: Most of the time, Summer, you do my job for me.

Summer: Again... not tracking.

Julie: Can I ask you a question?

Kirsten: Mmhmm.

Julie: Do you like that he calls you Kiki?

Kirsten: Hate it.

Julie: 'Cause he kept calling me Juju, like that candy that gets stuck in your teeth. I begged him to stop.

Seth: Well, if you need anything, I'll take the graveyard shift.

Ryan: I think we'll manage.

Seth: I was afraid you'd say that.

Sandy: It's great that you hung in there after all the foreplay.

Seth: Fore-what now?

Anna: So I guess you and Mrs. Cohen have a lot in common...

Sandy: Sure sure, we both love, uhh... Seth.

Kirsten: He's a consultant.

Sandy: Could you be please be a little more vague?

Kirsten: He knows people.

Sandy: You did it! That was more vague.

Kirsten: Sometimes you make it hard to hate you.

Sandy: I know, it's part of my charm.

Kirsten: And sometimes you make it easy.

Sandy: What are we fighting about?

Kirsten: I don't know, but it's serious!

Kirsten: It would be nice if Uncle Sean could be here.

Sandy: Not if we have to pay for the bar tab.

Kirsten: My dad is marrying Julie Cooper. Julie Cooper... is my step-mom.

Jimmy: Maybe we'll get you another bottle.

Sandy: Yeah, drink up.

Kirsten: This is an unholy alliance. This is two storm fronts colliding. This is the apocalypse for us all.

Sandy: And you know, they do find foster home for kids your age.

Seth: Yeah, because everyone wants a brand new teenager.

[everyone stares at him]

Seth: I'm sorry if I'm the only one here that will state the obvious...

Kirsten: Seth.

Seth: - But we have all this extra room, right? We have a pool house. Yet, you guys are going to ship him off to a group home. Am I the only one who gets how much that sucks?

Seth: Yeah, it's too bad you're leaving. We never eat like this.

Kirsten: That's not true. I cook all the time.

Seth: [scoffs] Dad...

Sandy: I'm sorry, honey.

[starts laughing]

Kirsten: Let's just eat.

Sandy: We're not saying we want you to cook more.

Seth: Oh...

[blows raspberry]

Seth: Hell, no. You remember the meat loaf incident of '98?

Kirsten: That was brisket.

Seth: Yeah, that's my point exactly.

Anna: Wait. Are you the kid from Chino who steals cars and sets people's houses on fire?

[pauses]

Anna: So you're saying I'm making my debut into society with Newport's most wanted?

Ryan: Is that going to be a problem?

Anna: I can't wait!

Seth: [rubs his boat, Summer Breeze, lovingly] Ohhh, I've missed you. It's been too long.

Ryan: You're talking to a boat, Seth.

Seth: Yeah, I talk to a plastic horse too but that never worries anyone.

Ryan: It worries me.

Kirsten: Is everything okay?

Seth: Hmm? Yeah, it's fine.

Theresa: I'm pregnant.

Seth: Well, except for that.

Summer: We're not having sex, by the way.

Seth: Excellent. There's not enough pain and suffering around us already.

Marissa: [on why she won't hook up with D.J] He's the yard guy.

Summer: Well, he can park his truck in my driveway anytime.

Caleb Nichol: What the hell is that?

Sandy: It's my mother's meat loaf.

Caleb Nichol: [looks around] Oh God, your mother's here?

Sandy: Her recipe is. I'm trying out a chef. You want some?

Caleb Nichol: Actually, I think the sight of your mother's meat loaf has turned me into a vegetarian.

Caleb Nichol: I've come to ask a favor.

Sandy: I'm sorry, what did you say?

Caleb Nichol: You didn't hear me?

Sandy: No, I heard you, I... I just want to make you say it again.

Marissa: So, my mum's trying to drag me to cardio bar again. It's her idea of mother-daughter bonding.

Summer: Cardio bar, Coop?

Marissa: Well, she says it's the new Taibo. So maybe I can learn to kick her ass.

Summer: I don't think you need to do any more cardio.

Marissa: What's that supposed to mean?

Summer: Nothing. It's just that - well and I mean this in the least scandalous way but you're looking a little thin.

Marissa: I eat!

Summer: Ugh, this bikini is so uncomfortable. I need to go get a new one. You want to go to South Coast?

Marissa: Totally. There's a Paul Frank sale there on Wednesday.

Summer: Wednesday? I can't. I have plans with Zach.

Marissa: Oh, more plans with Zach, huh?

Summer: Yes. The more time I spend with Zach, the less time I have to think about - God, what's his face? Built like a beanpole, curly hair, runs away like a little bitch on a sailboat leaving nothing but a note for his girlfriend who cried and cried over him till the Fourth of July when she decided she doesn't cry over bitches on boats.

Marissa: Seth. His name. It's Seth.

Summer: I know. I'm just doing that thing where I pretend I don't and I have to use a lot of descriptive insults to give voice to my inner pain.

Caleb: What is that flower truck doing in our driveway? I get the feeling that it's been there every week.

Julie: Because it has.

Caleb: We get flowers delivered every week?

Julie: Yes, Cal. They're living things. They die.

Caleb: Do you hear a clicking on the phone? Every time I try to dial and I swear, I hear a clicking.

Julie: Okay, Nixon. Paranoid, much?

Summer: Ryan. I'm sorry, I thought you were the evil step-monster.

Ryan: She let me in. She seems nice.

Summer: Yeah, well she just switched anti-depressants. Give it a day.

Caleb: Thank you for letting me spend the night in jail. It was the most vile, most inhuman night of my life.

Sandy: Well, coming from the guy who married Julie Cooper, that's saying something.

Marissa: [about Ryan] I think he hates me.

Summer: He doesn't hate you!

Marissa: He turned down sex!

Summer: He might be onto something...

D.J.: Guess I'd better prepare myself for some drama, huh?

Marissa: You have no idea.

Seth: Not now, Mom, I'm studying naked.

Summer: Ew!

Seth: Summer? Come in!

Summer: No way!

Summer: Go away, I'm studying... naked!

Seth: That's supposed to keep me away?

Seth: Yeah... yeah, I should apologize. It's just my pride.

Ryan: What pride?

Seth: Yeah, I guess there's nothin' standin' in my way.

Sandy: Hey, Cal. Always a pleasure, although if I may, why are we meeting in a parking garage?

Caleb: Because my office might be bugged. My home, your home, who knows what the Feds are up to?

Sandy: Wow, you've really flipped your noodle haven't, you?

Seth: Wait. Hang on. I'm not goin' anywhere until somebody tells me what happened last night. Mom, would you please fill me in?

[Kirsten leaves]

Seth: Mom! I- Oh, I get it. I'm just here for the comic relief.

Summer: You know, Cohen, with your two hands on the wheel and the wind blowing through your hair

[looks at Seth, nods]

Summer: you actually looked kinda hot.

Seth: Let me guess, Summer, you have a

[shrugs, amused]

Seth: weakness for seamen.

[smiles]

Summer: [screws up her face] Ewww Cohen, and then there's that.

Seth: Nah, aww.

Summer: You know, Cohen... your two hands on the wheel, and the wind blowing through your hair... you actually looked kinda hot.

Seth: Let me guess, Summer. You have a weakness for semen?

Summer: Ew, Cohen! And then there's that.

Ryan: Okay, I screwed up yet again. So now what? You're going to kick me out?

Sandy: You think you can mess up so bad we'll just give up on you? You can't. You are part of this family now and you're going to feel the full weight of that. You're going to wish we threw you out.

Rebecca: It's kind of hard to meet people when you can't let anybody know who you really are and can't stay in one place too long.

Sandy: I can see how that might "salt your game".

Rebecca: "Salt your game". Is that how they talk in Orange county?

Sandy: Stick around. You'll be saying "Rad" in no time.

Summer: You've got to admit, Coop.

[Marissa looks at her]

Summer: Whatever happens, Ryan facing off with Trey to avenge your honour - God, that is so *freaking* hot!

[Marissa doesn't say anything]

Summer: In a mythic, biblical, Samurai Western kind of way.

Summer: Thanks for almost getting my bathing suit wet, Cohen.

Seth: My pleasure.

Ryan: [mocking Summer, nasal tone] Cohen, I can't believe that you did that, Cohen.

[smirks]

Seth: Amazing. This whole time, I thought you were a nice guy.

Zach: Wake up! I'm a water polo player. We're never nice guys.

Zach: Look Seth, I've always liked you but if I have to sacrifice our friendship to be with Summer, I'll do it.

Seth: Amazing, all this time I thought you were a nice guy.

Zach: Wake up, I'm a waterpolo player, we're never nice guys.

Seth: Well looks like I won't need to worry about adding you to Atomic County, you're already there - the demon Water Polo player, the ironicists nemesis.

Zach: And its gonna take a little bit more than quick-quips and pop-culture laden bromides to win little Miss Vixen.

Seth: So its war.

Zach: Its war.

Seth: Its kinda hard to apologise if I don't know what it is I'm apologising for.

Summer: Well its kinda hard to forgive you if you don't know what you're supposed to be apologising for.

Seth: [Graduation is that day] When they announce my name, uh, could you *not* do that cheer you did for me when I won Capture the Flag at parents' weekend?

Sandy: W-which cheer was that? Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Check out my boy Cohen! Can you believe how he's growin? The competition away he's blowin!

Seth: That's the one. Please don't do that. Ever.

[They smile and laugh]

Sandy: So you and Summer seemed pretty chummy yesterday.

Seth: Dad, chummy?

Sandy: It's okay. You can tell me.

Seth: No, really, I can't.

Sandy: If you can't tell your dad, who can you tell?

Seth: Gee, I don't know, ugh Ryan... Mom... that tree over there.

Ryan: Lindsay wants to hang out with the sister she never knew she had. I can't stand in the way, or make it all about me, right?

Seth: No, that's something I would do.

Marissa: I think we should spend the entire summer just being normal.

Ryan: We're not holding Seth to that?

Marissa: No, no. That'd be impossible.

Sandy: If all we're gunna do is send them to their room and make them do homework, what are they going to learn?

Kirsten: Their homework.

Kirsten: Is it over?

Sandy: I promise you, it never started.

Sandy: Well, you've been tryin'a get him to come to Thanksgiving for years.

Kirsten: The only reason why he is here is because his food didn't show up and the game is on.

[drinks]

Sandy: You know, you might wanna slow down with that. You're drinkin on an empty stomach.

Kirsten: Don't you tell me to slow down. Tell him to hit the bricks!

Sandy: Hit the bricks? Who talks like that?

Kirsten: Don't you judge me. I have a family that won't let me cook for Thanksgiving dinner, I have a father who is using me for my candied yams, and we are out of Merlot!

Anna: Do you want some... privacy?

Sandy: Oh...

Sandy: Don't ever get married!

Ryan: I've heard that from you before.

Sandy: Oh, you'll hear it again. I'll be at the bar.

Seth: I'm not self-absorbed, am I, Ryan?

[Ryan looks away]

Seth: Me? Me? Me?

Seth: So you guys will be in here and I'll be on the other side of this soundproof wall.

Summer: Are you OK?

Seth: Yeah, just an allergic reaction to the universe.

Trey Atwood: Ryan said you talk a lot.

Seth: Yeah, its kind of a problem but hopefully one you'll come to find endearing.

Seth: Maybe if you paid attention to anything other then that stupid hospital, you'd notice mom's been passing out before dinner.

Sandy: Don't talk to your father like that.

Seth: That would require you to act like my father.

Julie: [Gus is peeing outside near her trailer] Real classy, Gus.

Gus: It's them big gulps. They go right through me. Sneak up on me too.

Julie: That's a *nice* final image.

Sandy: Nobody needs to know, we can say you're taking a trip.

Kirsten: In this town a trip is always rehab.

Seth: So what you're saying is that when you two go to Italy you'll achieve this... harmony.

Summer: Look I just wanna be straightforward with you so you can plan your freekout accordingly.

Marissa: What happens in the mall stays in the mall.

Ryan: You go in the tent, I'll stay out here and look out for bears and store-guards.

Seth: [Seth is dressed like a pirate] Summer and I are at war.

Sandy: A pirate war?

Ryan: Kaitlin's back.

Summer: Mini Cooper?

Seth: NOT so mini.

[Taylor prances into Summer's room]

Summer: Who let you in?

Taylor Townsend: I speak fluent housekeeper.

Sadie Campbell: [referring to Ryan's facial bruising] So what are you gonna tell your folks about your face?

Ryan: Sandy and Kirsten are used to it.

Summer: Do you remember that movie we saw about the two gay guys on the mountain?

Marissa: Lord of the Rings?

Seth: Name me ONE thing about Newport that isn't evil.

Ryan: [Summer and Marissa are walking up behind Seth] I will name you two.