-
[Healy meets March in the bathroom after previously breaking his arm]
Jackson Healy: March. Jack Healy. Don't get upset. I'm not here to hurt you. I just wanna ask you a question.
[March opens the bathroom stall door and brandishes a gun]
Holland March: How stupid do you think I am? I got a license to carry, motherfucker. Ever since your little visit the other day, this little baby's gonna stay right here.
[as March gestures with his gun to his to shirt pocket, the stall door begins to close. March slams it open and drops the cigarette he had in his mouth into his pants]
Holland March: Shit! Fuck!
[March reaches down to grab the cigarette and the stall door closes again. He repeatedly slams it open with his foot. Healy is quietly amused]
Holland March: Don't move.
-
[In the midst of being shot at, Healy jumps through a window]
Jackson Healy: March! Gun! Gun!
[March tosses Healy a gun, which careens through the window next to the one Healy just jumped through]
Jackson Healy: Fuck!
Holland March: Shit!
-
[March has just survived a massive fall by landing in a pool]
Holland March: I'M ALIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
-
Holland March: Look on the bright side. Nobody got hurt.
Jackson Healy: People got hurt.
Holland March: I'm saying, I think they died quickly. So I don't think they got hurt.
-
Holland March: I think I'm invincible. It's the only thing that makes sense. I don't think I can die.
-
Holland March: Got a cool ad though. I made your head small because I know you're sensitive about how big it is.
-
Holland March: So you're telling me you made a porno where the plot is the point?
-
Holland March: Munich.
Jackson Healy: What?
Holland March: Guy without his balls. A Munich.
Jackson Healy: Munich, is a city in Germany, Munich. München.
Holland March: You sure?
Jackson Healy: My dad was stationed there.
Holland March: Right. Hitler only had one ball.
-
Kid on Bike: You guys wanna see my dick?
Holland March: Nobody wants to see your dick, dude.
Kid on Bike: 20 bucks?
Holland March: We already paid you 20... what am I saying?
-
Fred's Widow: It's my husband, he's gone missing.
Holland March: Missing?
Fred's Widow: I'm terribly worried, it's just Fred's never gone this long before.
[March casually looking around room when he notice ash urn with Fred's name on it]
Holland March: How long has he been missing?
Fred's Widow: Since the funeral.
Holland March: Well, I can start right away.
-
Holly March: You beat people up and charge money?
Jackson Healy: Yeah.
Holland March: Sad, isn't it?
Holly March: How much would you charge to beat up my friend Janet?
Holland March: What?
Jackson Healy: How much you got?
Holly March: Thirty bucks.
Holland March: That's good, this conversation is over.
-
Holland March: Have you seen this girl ? She's got dark hair, her name is Amelia.
Flight Deck Bartender: What's in it for me?
[March points on Healy]
Holland March: He'll stop doing it.
Flight Deck Bartender: Doing what ?
[Healy quickly grabs the bartender and smack his head on the bar desk]
Flight Deck Bartender: Ow, fuck!
Holland March: That.
-
Holland March: You know who else was just following orders? Adolf Hitler.
-
[Repeated line]
Holland March: Fucking Chet.
-
Holland March: It's fucking over man, that's what my daughter's got to deal with, the Chets of the world, and that fucking kid.
-
Holland March: Jesus Christ! One at a time!
Janet: [stunned] You took the Lord's name in vain.
Holland March: No I didn't, Janet. I found it very useful actually. Ok, Janet?
-
Holland March: All right, which one of you cock-and-balls wants to make twenty bucks?
-
Mrs. Glenn: So does this mean my niece is dead?
Holland March: [impatient/annoyed] YES!
[the room is stunned as Mrs. Glenn clasps her mouth in horror]
Holland March: I mean, uh, yes I'm so sorry.
-
Holland March: What are you doing?
Holly March: I was giving you a rimjob.
Holland March: [horrified] Rimshot!... Rimshot.
-
Holland March: Holy fucking shit!
Mrs. Glenn: [horrified at the cursing] OOOHHH!
-
Holland March: [after smashing a window with his hand, he notices a deep cut] That's... that's a lot of blood... that's a lot of blood, there's... that's a lot of blood.
-
[repeated line]
Holland March: Jesus!
-
[last lines]
Holland March: To the birds?
Jackson Healy: Hallelujah!
-
Holland March: [walks up to the bar, clearly intoxicated] Hi everyone, I'm Amelia. She's about...
[makes height gesture with his hand]
Holland March: dark hair. Answers to...
[sees topless mermaid swimming in pool]
Holland March: the call of the wild. Just kidding. I forgot her name, but you know, if you see you, just... if you see, let me know, and tell me... tell me my name.
-
Holly March: You're the world's worst detective.
Holland March: I'm the worst?
Holly March: Yeah!
Holland March: The "world's" worst?
-
[first lines]
Misty Mountains: How do you like my car, Big Boy?
-
Jackson Healy: So, you know the old lady, right? Did you believe her?
Holland March: What about?
Jackson Healy: When she said she saw Misty alive that night, did you believe her?
Holland March: God, no. She's blind as a bat.
Jackson Healy: Uh-huh.
Holland March: She has actual coke bottles for glasses. You paint a mustache on a Volkswagen, she says, "Boy, that Omar Sharif sure runs fast."
-
Holly March: Do you by any chance know a girl named Amelia? I think she did a film with Sid Shattuck.
Young Porn Queen: Don't know her, but Sid's gross. He told me this one chick was his sister, right, and then a few days later I walk in on them and they're all doing anal and stuff.
Holly March: [sighs] Don't say, "and stuff." Just say, "They're doing anal."
-
Jackson Healy: All right, so then your solution was you make a porn film?
Amelia Kuttner: [Yelling] It's not a porno!
Holland March: You know, I have neighbors.
-
Holly March: You're the guy who beat up my dad.
Jackson Healy: Hey.
Holland March: No. Sucker-punched your dad. Big difference.
-
Holland March: [a guest arrives at a lavish party in medieval costume and hands over the reins of his white horse dressed as a unicorn to a valet] Jesus tap-dancing Christ!
-
Party Girl #1: [talking to another party girl] All I told him was that if you want me to do that, then don't eat the asparagus.
-
Healy's ex-wife: [in the middle of a romantic dinner with Healy at a restaurant] Jack, I'm fucking your dad.
Jackson Healy: [spits water] What?
-
Judith Kuttner: My name is Judith Kuttner. I work for the Department of Justice.
Holland March: Okay. Well, that explains basically nothing.
-
Flight Deck Bartender: Guys, listen. You don't go up there, all right? Trust me. These New York guys are up there. Uh, business guys. They got fucking bodyguards. Kind of had their balls removed. What's that called? Huh?
Jackson Healy: Marriage?
-
Holland March: You seen Chet, the projectionist?
Buddy: Yeah, he just left like 10 minutes ago, went for a drink. And you are?
Holland March: In a hurry. Thanks, buddy.
Buddy: How'd you know my name was Buddy?
-
Jackson Healy: Marriage is buying a house for someone you hate.
-
Jackson Healy: Hey, that's where I know you from, right? The TV. You're prosecuting that car company thing.
Judith Kuttner: The lawsuit for the catalytic converter. Yes. That's half my day. The other half I spend on pornography.
Jackson Healy: Hmm.
Holland March: What kind? Like which films? What's your favourite?
Jackson Healy: No, no. Uh, anti. Anti-porn.
Holland March: Right.
Jackson Healy: Like a crusader.
-
Jackson Healy: [Healy and March are carrying a dead body] You didn't fall down the fucking hill, did you? Did you fall down the hill?
Holland March: I had, like, two, three drinks, tops.
Jackson Healy: Yeah, that's why you can't walk straight.
Holland March: Oh, excuse me. I'm carrying a dead body and I have his schwantz in my face. So, I'm sorry I'm not Bakishnarov.
Jackson Healy: You can't even say Baryshnikov.
-
Holland March: I was in the pool.
Jackson Healy: You were in the pool?
Holland March: Yeah.
Jackson Healy: Why?
Holland March: I had to question the mermaids. What were you doing while I was working?
-
Jackson Healy: [at a porn producer's lavish party] Whoa. Well, we know Mary Jane turned up.
Holland March: Who's that?
Jackson Healy: Mary Jane. Marijuana. Pot.
-
Holly March: [Holly and March are inside their house while Healy is waiting outside] Why don't we invite him in?
Holland March: No animals in the house, sweetheart.
-
Pornookio: [laughing] It's not my nose that grows.
-
Jackson Healy: The place reeks of marijuana. They're smoking it.
Holland March: I can't smell.
Jackson Healy: What?
Holland March: I got hit in the head a while back. I lost my sense of smell.
Jackson Healy: You can't smell?
Holland March: Yeah.
Jackson Healy: You're a detective, and you can't smell?
Holland March: Yeah.
Jackson Healy: Aw, this just keeps getting better and better.
Holland March: Wow, that's really insensitive.
-
Holland March: [to Holly] You're supposed to be at Jessica's.
Jessica: Yeah, sorry, Mr. March. My sister kicked us out. She's having a guy over.
Holland March: Your sister's such a slut.
Jessica: Yeah, I know.
-
Holland March: I work in a cesspool. Sex, more sex. My wife, she used to say I make a living off rumpy-pumpy. Whatever. She was English. I don't know what the fuck it means either.
-
Holly March: Dad, there's like whores here and stuff.
Holland March: Sweetheart, how many times have I told you? Don't say "and stuff". Just say "dad, there are whores here".
Holly March: Well, there's like a ton.
-
Jackson Healy: What do you think?
Holly March: I like her
Jessica: I like her dress
Holland March: It's a nice dress, but she's a loon. According to her, her mother's single handedly gonna wipe out all of Western society
Jackson Healy: Well yeah. However there are people trying to kill her right, like John Boy
Holly March: Who's John Boy?
Jessica: He's on The Waltons
Jackson Healy: No a different John Boy
-
Chet: Dean was a filmmaker. Kinda, like, experimental kindsa films. That's actually, like, kinda how we, we met, 'cause I'm kind of in the, in the business myself.
Jackson Healy: What do you do?
Chet: Projectionalist.
-
Holland March: Hey, aren't you that diner guy? Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. I gotta know.
Jackson Healy: I don't wanna get into it right now.
Holland March: You gotta get into it. I gotta know. You're the diner guy.
Jackson Healy: [sighs] Alright...
Holland March: Yesss...
Jackson Healy: [in flashback] I was at a diner in Hollywood and this asshole with a shotgun started threatening people.
Holland March: [March is lying on his back on the diving board] I love it. It's the best story I've ever heard.
Jackson Healy: [In the flashback, Healy grabs the shotgun, and hits the guy in the face with it] So I did something about it. I acted. I didn't plan to, I didn't, you know. I just did it. I took that guy out. I didn't even get paid for it. So I ended up with a bullet in the bicep and 500 bucks of hospital bills. It was stupid, really. When I think about it, it was the best day of my life.
Holland March: [March is asleep on the diving board, snoring] ...
-
Bourbon Bartender: Just chill here, you know. She's gotta come back down. Have a couple of cold ones on me?
Jackson Healy: Oh, not for me.
Holland March: He makes a strong argument, though.
Bourbon Bartender: You see? Reasonable. Very reasonable. Now, your buddy, that was the problem, he wasn't reasonable.
Jackson Healy: Our buddy?
Holland March: Yeah, we don't have friends.
Bourbon Bartender: The other guy looking for Amelia, he wasn't with you?
Jackson Healy: Where'd he go?
Bourbon Bartender: Got in the elevator right before you guys came in.
Jackson Healy: Did you get a name?
Bourbon Bartender: John something.
Jackson Healy: Did you actually witness him getting into the elevator?
Bourbon Bartender: No, it was told to me by a wise old Indian. Of course I fucking witnessed it.
-
Holland March: Look, they got away with it. Big surprise, you know? People are stupid. But they're not that stupid. The point is five years tops, we're all driving electric cars from Japan, anyway. Mark my words.
-
Kid on Bike: No, his name was Sid... Sid Hatrack. Yeah.
Holland March: Nobody's name is Hatrack.
Kid on Bike: Whatever. Tried to get a job. I offered to show my dick. 'Cause I got a big dick.
-
[March and Healy are looking for Amelia at a demonstration where a bunch of people are lying motionless on the steps of the city hall wearing gas masks]
Die-In Protester: We can't talk to you. We're dead.
Holland March: No I- Yeah I get it. You know. I think it's very clever, I'm hip, but this is actually a really serious matter.
Die-In Protester: So is this! We've all been killed!
Holland March: No you haven't.
Die-In Protester: F*** you man, we're dead!
Smoker at Protest: They can't talk to you man, they're dead.
Jackson Healy: [to smoker guy] What's the protest about, do you know?
Smoker at Protest: [to the protesters] Any of you know why you're protesting?
Die-In Protester: The air!
Smoker at Protest: [to Healy] Air.
Holland March: You are protesting the air?
Die-In Protester: Pollution! The birds can't breathe!
Jackson Healy: So all of you died 'cause of the pollution?
Die-In Protester: [nodding] Right.
Jackson Healy: What about the gas masks? They didn't... save you?
Holland March: [when the guy can't answer Healy's question] That's f***ing... Alright!
[starts walking down and accidentally steps on a protester's hand]
Die-In Protester: [screams in pain and pulls her hand] F**ker!
Holland March: Sorry. I thought you were dead.
-
Holland March: Thanks, buddy.
Buddy: How'd you know my name was Buddy?
-
Jackson Healy: [narrating] Sometimes I feel okay about things. Not often.
-
Bourbon Bartender: Is that a shirt?
Holland March: [holding up a cute little origami shirt] Yeah.
Bourbon Bartender: It's very pretty.
Holland March: I made it myself.
Bourbon Bartender: Yeah? I made this.
[holds up a baseball bat]
-
Holland March: You know, the thing about keeping your mouth closed is it prevents you from speaking.
Jackson Healy: Sure. Unless, of course, you're a ventriloquist.
-
Holly March: [with air of superiority] I'm friends with a cop, you know.
Jackson Healy: Is that so?
Holly March: He likes my dad a lot, too.
Jackson Healy: Maybe they should get married.
-
Judith Kuttner: It sounds like you might have saved my daughter's life.
Jackson Healy: That was mostly Holly. His daughter.
Holland March: It's genetics.
-
Jackson Healy: The sun went up, the sun went down. Nothing changes, just like you said.
-
Holland March: [March walks up to the bar, clearly intoxicated] Hi everyone, I'm Amelia. She's about...
[Makes a height gesture with his hand]
Holland March: . Answers to...
[Looks up at topless mermaid, swimming in pool]
Holland March: the call of the wild. Just kidding. I forgot her name, but you know, if you see you, if you just see, and let me know, and, and tell me my name.
-
Holland March: Fine. I'm done. Put a fork in me... . Don't really put a fork in me.
-
Jackson Healy: Look, you beat up on me, you trash the place, I get it. It's part of the job. But what did you do? You did something different. You pissed me off. You made an enemy. Now, even if I knew something, I wouldn't tell you, kid.
The Nice Guys Quotes
Extended Reading
